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BF's Toxic Son 3

Soniki's picture

Soooo not really sure how to get on with SS's GF. He always makes excuses for them not spending time with me and BF, her apparent anxiety with meeting new people (they've been together for 3 months now and she comes to stay over every weekend) they spend the whole time in his bedroom, even eat in there). Please read previous blog posts to understand my relationship with him.

But everytime I'm away seeing my family, him and his gf conveniently manage to spend time with my bf. I've barely said more than hi how are you to her.

My bf's son has some issue with me, he's always treated me poorly and with so much disrespect despite me doing so much for him, caring for him, looking after him etc. Any time he wanted his gf at the time to come over to the house for the first time he would make sure I'm away at my family's house first. Whenever they spend time with my bf its always without me.

Just some context I have a big age gap between me and Bf, im 28 and he is 52. We have been together for 6 years. I met his son when he was 10 and is now 16. He has always been naughty and cheeky but I passed it off when he was younger, though as he got older he became more rude and disrespectful. Since having a relationship he's been even worse with me. Saying I'm not his family, or that he's never listened to me and never will etc. Because of how he's been with me I have recently stopped caring or bothering about him. I barley speak to him unless I have to.

His gf and I haven't even had a normal conversation and I don't know what to talk to her about because I haven't spent even 2 minutes with them when she's here. But she's spoken to his alcoholic mother several times and has her number. His mum lives in another city and hasn't seen him physically in years, never cares for him or sends him birthday or christmas gifts. Over the last year they have been getting really close because she's starting to use him for her own benefits in the future, she wants to build a relationship with him now he's older and trying her best with his gf too. That was until she called them up drunk and was shouting at them, telling them off for no reason. 

Yet I'm the one who gets treated like a nobody after all the care and support I've given him. 

My question is, how do I deal with this situation and get to know his gf when I don't really talk to him anymore? My bf is kind of stuck in the middle of this and I don't want him to feel like he has to choose between them and me.


Sotheysay's picture

Honestly if I was the kid I would be emberresed to introduce you to anyone you are only 12 years his senior yikes that's a hard no for me you are not even old enough to be his mother 

tog redux's picture

What does that matter? She's still an adult and should be respected as his father's partner. His teacher might be 28 or younger - does that mean he can be rude to her?

notsurehowtodeal's picture

There is no need for you to have a relationship with the girlfriend as you barely have one with your SS. There is no doubt he has been telling her negative things about you, so she has no interest in developing a relationship with you. Just be polite when you see her. They are young, this is not going to be a forever relationship.

Read around this site and look into "disengagement." That is my advice on how to deal with his son -  disengage from him. It is pretty much what you said you were going to do in your last blog.

Winterglow's picture

He's only 16 but has his gf stay all weekend, every weekend? That would be a big fat NO for me. Tell me, how long have they been trying for a baby? 

Soniki's picture

I asked him if he would do the same if he had a daughter and he couldn't answer, just maybes. Its his house, his son, what say do I have? I already have enough issues with his son, if I pick on every single thing, we have no relationship other than me not getting on with his son and critiquing his parenting skills. Even though I disagree with him on how he has gone about everything, I need to pick my battles 

Winterglow's picture

He's not being a progressive parent, he's not being a parent at all.To start with, he should have been ensuring that his son shows at least basic respect towards you. It's just sheer laziness on his part. And he isn't stuck in the middle of anything - he is choosing to sit on the fence (laziness again).

Unfortunately, it seems that your bf has put you on the same level as his son and appears to treat you more like a teenager than a partner. I doubt I could live with that. The house may belong to him but you also live there and have a say in what goes on there. 

As for how to get on better/have a better relationship with the gf, I don't know if I'd bother. What would be the point? I think it's time you completely disengaged from both your SS and his gf. There's no gratitude or recognition of anything you do for him so stop doing anything for him at all. Be polite but distant with the gf. She's made it clear she doesn't want to be your friend so stop trying. Focus on you and your needs.


Soniki's picture

She seems nice and I can understand she might not be confident or comfortable talking to me, its a really different situation.

As for my bf, he always defends me but after the situation has occured not during. I believe he has done a lot wrong with his parenting but he has also done a lot of good. This is why children benefit from two different parents, one to provide structure and the other more loose. Unfortunately its all been loose and this is where we are now.

The house is always tense when his son is home and I don't know how to manage it. I always feel like I'm treading on eggshells when I discuss with my bf but in the same time he has been understanding and knows how his son is. He doesn't blame me for how I feel but just said we need to see how it goes without really changing anything. He told his son over long whatsapp messages how bad he's been with me and he should be ashamed after everything I've done for him. His sons replys were short and along the lines of, no I haven't, I feel singled out whenever I'm at home, its my fault but still not fair on me and I care but I just don't show it etc. 

Nothing has been said or done since then. My bf mentioned to me yesterday that his sons gf is talking more when she's here but she's still shy around me. I explained that is only because they never spend time with us, they wait for me to leave before they spend time with my bf. 

I have done absolutely nothing to deserve this. I am not a nasty person, I've cared for his son and bent over backwards more than most people my age would do. And now I feel like I need to double down on effort with his gf as to not put more strain on my relationship with my bf. I have disengaged from his son and feel like I'm stuck on the gf front. My bf is warming to her and she seems nice enough, he has said to me not to take my frustrations out on her which I haven't done since I've barely spoken to her but also don't feel good about the weird vibe and lack of communication.

tog redux's picture

You do get that this is on your BF, right? He allows these loosey-goosey boundaries with the girlfriend, and he allows them to ignore and avoid you. He allows his son to treat you like garbage. He doesn't set limits on it, instead he rewards his son with things like allowing his girlfriend to stay over ever weekend,  (Will he pay the child support when she gets pregnant, too?)

I know you are going to defend your BF and say he's a wonderful man who is great other than his refusal to parent his son - but that can't be separated from the whole picture.  You are so young - why are you staying in such a rotten situation?

Soniki's picture

He needs to make his son responsibile for his actions but nothing ever changes.

Its hard to leave someone you love. My Bf is a good man but he is also a product of his upbringing and childhood education. He and his siblings were left wild, no structure etc. So how would he be able to implement something he never was taught himself? 

Winterglow's picture

So how long do you think you can carry on living like this? Because this kid isn't going anywhere... 

tog redux's picture

That's another excuse you are making for him. Of course he could parent differently than he was raised, people do it all the time. He just wants to be "Fun Dad" and be his son's friend. As a result, he's created an entitled jerk. 

I couldn't stay with a man who allowed his son to run wild and treat me like dirt. 

Soniki's picture

You are right he doesn't deal with the situation as he should but I don't know how to tell him what he's doing is wrong without him getting offended or upset.

He should have done more than let his son talk to me the way he does. He just turns round after and says you shouldn't say or do this etc. He never says you will not or discipline him in anyway whether that's with me or anything his son does wrong

He's bought him up like a little prince always running around after him and doing whatever he wants. Its now ingrained in his son, how does that even get resolved at this age? His son comes out with things like we would be happier if he didn't live here or he feels singled out etc. My bf gets upset by this and then tries his best to tip toe around him to not upset him. Every time is son challenges him, he allows him to say and do what he wants with no consequence just a pointless argument that escalates and nothing ever gets resolved. Just ends up being an endless cycle everyday. How does that get corrected? I've tried implementing structure for it to just be broken by my bf or his son, I've tried telling my bf he needs to make his son responsibile and he doesn't. I don't know what to do.

Winterglow's picture

Have you considered moving into a place of your own and simply dating your bf? At least you wouldn't have to deal with the disrespect and passive-aggressive crap. 

tog redux's picture

It generally doesn't get corrected, it gets worse. The sad part is that he hasn't done his son any favors with his permissive, selfish parenting either. The kid will struggle to become a functional adult if he ever does. 

You start by saying that you will no longer tolerate being treated that way and you expect your BF to do something about it immediately. 

Soniki's picture

But then I'm going backwards in my relationship not forwards. I want move on and build my life. Right now I only see two options, he shows me he's trying to fix it or I split up. Obviously I want to stay with him but I don't want to waste my life for his crappy son 

Winterglow's picture

Seems to me that he's had 6 years to do that and hasn't done a thing. Glad you don't want to waste your life away. I suggest you set yourself a time limit though otherwise you might just wake up one day and realize that you're 40 and didn't see the years pass by... 

SteppedOut's picture

You want to move forward...but does he? Why haven't you married? Is your bf "unsure" of his commitment? Is he "waiting for you and son to get along"?

Eta: you are REALLY going to start feeling that age difference soon, if not yet. What protections are in place for you? Are you listed on the deed to the home? Does your bf have a will that lists you as a beneficiary? Do you work and have your own savings? 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Maybe if you had the ‘now it’s serious we need to speak to her parents talk, as one day you might get married’ talk - one of them might run a mile!

They are still kids. My step father had his first child at 16. It’s not to be recommended. Boys are daft if a girl says she in the pill they believe it. Just saying

invite her parents round for dinner even.... 

Winterglow's picture

I think inviting her parents to dinner might be a good idea. At least it'll give them the opportunity of seeing where their daughter spends her weekends (I wonder what story she told them?).

Soniki's picture

She can do whatever she likes. They know that she is here and she spends the evening here. My bf son spends alternate weekends at her familys house.

We don't intend to get married. I would like children at some point I think but I don't know, our age gap is big and seeing his lack of control with his son over the last 16 years I'm not sure its right to

Winterglow's picture

So maybe the solution is to pull the plug now, get your life back, lose the disrespect, and find someone that you could imagine having babies with, without cringing at the idea?

SteppedOut's picture

Ecactly this OP. If you want children this is not the relationship for you. You will regret not having them. Instead of raising a child(ren) you will be caring for your much older bf.

Peach's picture

If things have not been corrected within 6 years, then they never will be.  Part of the problem is your BF allowing a 16-year old to live with his girlfriend.  That is not normal - not progressive parenting.  It is definitely lazy parenting or not parenting at all.  Teenagers emotions are out of control as it is.  No need to throw living with someone and pretending to have an adult relationship into the mix.  Because it is all pretend, the are not even in college yet.  It will be a hard no from me until they were older.  They can get jobs and pay for their own place to live.