Almost too tired to post this.
I posted a while back about wanting to take a special vacation with my and DH's 2 DS's this year to celebrate my DS18's high school graduation, without oldest SS25, his wife and 2 DDs whom we've taken on vacation and paid for everything the past two years. I especially said I didn't want to rent a beach house due to all the work that falls on me. Because my DS18 wanted to take his girlfriend, we ended up booking the beach house anyway. To get one with enough bedrooms for SS25, his wife and two girls as well, we booked at 6 BR house, which cost $10K for the week going in. We returned last night from vacation and I wanted to talk about it here. I'm having conflicting feelings about it. There were moments when I saw my DH interacting with SS25 (who was estranged for 5-6 years as a teenager) and with SGDs 4 and 6 when I thought it was worth it. Most of the week, however, I spent resenting that DH and I had to basically be responsible for cleaning up after and feeding 9 people for the week, including 2 grown @ss adults.
Every night before I went to bed, I had to load the dishwasher from the dishes piled in the sink and those sitting around, including cereal bowls from SGDs 4 and 6 that were left on the counter all day, almost filled with milk that had to be poured out. Then each morning, I unloaded the dishwasher to start the day. Every evening, my DH and I were responsible either for COOKING for all 9 family members (and buying the groceries to do so) or taking the group out to dinner and paying for everyone. Someone here suggested going on vacation with my oldest SS was like taking a "blank check." That could not be more true. We spent $150 taking the whole group to a matinee plus snacks, following by $100 for dinner, so $250 for an afternoon out. After that outing, my DH decided to make hamburgers and hotdogs at home and failed to get enough buns for the group. I had patted out the burgers, cut up veggies for burgers and made sides while I watched SS25 and his wife relaxing on the couch. While I ran to get more buns, DH needed something from the kitchen and had to retrieve it himself, and the burgers caught on fire! We decided to salvage what we had rather than trash it all and then still pay for dinner out. DH was livid.
Then SS25 decided of all times, that picky eater SGDs should EACH try a hamburger in addition to the hot dog they said they wanted. So SS 25 proceeded to take 2 of the 8 non-charred hamburgers for the adults and make them for SGDs to "try." Both took one bite and said they hated them and they were thrown in the trash!! In the midst of all this, it turned out to be an awful week for me to take vacation. I'm a lawyer who handles very complex , stressful litigation, and it's hard to miss a day. I ended up working 2-3 hours every DAY. So in the midst of trying to relax, I had to take care of "adults" half my age. In some ways, I am disappointed in myself and wish I could be a better person who was just happy for DH and willing to do whatever it took to make him (and SS25) happy. In other ways, I'm tired, d@mnit! lol. It was my vacation, too, and I feel like it was anything but. I can't imagine not offering to help cook or clean up after someone made a meal for me. I don't know if that means they really are that lazy or they really don't care. BTW, prior to the vacation, I had suggested to SS25 and his wife, as well as, my DS18 and his girlfirend, that we should have one night night where each couple makes dinner for the group and cleans up.I even said we would buy the groceries. No one mentioned this during the trip, and I guess they were all happy just to let my DH and me take care of it all.
I can't discuss this with my DH. We discussed it briefly and he clearly agrees it was unfair. However, as it has been the past 20 years of our marriage, we've done whatever it took to not upset SS25. Now I'm going back to work tomorrow feeling like I didn't have a vacation. I told DH I WON'T do another beach house, and I really MEAN IT this time. He's talking about cruises now so it's a fixed price and no cooking involved. The whole thing just disgusts me. And the fact that I feel that way makes me feel like a terrible person. It's a vicious cycle that I feel has no answer. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Comments
Why on God’s green earth
Are you taking all these people on vacation! Just stop. Go without your DH as he seems half the problem! In fact book a hotel for you over the weekend, get a massage and treat yourself.
Stop being a doormat to everyone in this situation. Give the lazy ass adults jobs if you must interact with them again.
Just stop, drop and disengage.
Did you ask or tell anyone to help?
Did you ask or tell anyone to help? What about your DS and his girlfriend - if you didn't feel like you could ask SS to help, surely you could have told your own son and his girlfriend to help with things. I can't believe that you cooked and did dishes for all those grown adults!
You are under no obligation to pay for vacations for adults - whether they are your own children or your step children. Just stop doing it.
I completely agree with this.
I completely agree with this. I think you biggest issue is that you probably didn't speak up.
My family used to do annual beach houses. We would get like 10-12 bedroom places and we would all go. It was awesome! However, as soon as we were about 16 expectations were made clear to us. Those under 18 and not married got to go for free (paid by parents) but they had to cook and clean for one of the days. The rest of the adults split food costs and we each took turns for kitchen duty. My mom, being the awesome mom, usually did the cooking 2x, but we always cleaned for her.
We also split the cost of the house by the number of rooms. So, as an married adult with 2 kids, we got 2 rooms. If the house was 10K for the week we would pay 2K. Plus one full day of food, breakfast, lunch, dinner prepared by me and I had house cleaning on my day.
If you couldn't meet those expectations, you didn't go. Plain and simple. It was always a great time and we all just pitched in. Next time you decide to do something like that, plan it in advance and make those expectations clear.
PS- if you do go for a cruise, which I highly recommend just for the adults area sections to get away from the grands and their parents, give them an allowance of what you are willing to pay towards it. Say that 2 people in an interior room costs $1000 for the week. You and DH would be willing to pay $750 of that for them to come too. They can either come up with the rest for the room to include the kids or upgrade or whatever. But they have to contribute and they have to pay their own drinks and shore excursions. That way your DH can feel like he offered them something big but at the same time, they have to contribute too.
A couple weeks prior to the
A couple weeks prior to the trip, I did tell the entire group I had a "fun" idea for this year that each couple would do dinner for the group a night. I even took my crock pot so that someone could do an "easy" dinner of BBQ chicken in the crock pot. (And someone did--me! lol.) I did not ask about anyone cooking after we were there because they were fully aware of my request, and I think if they wanted to do it, they would have mentioned it. On the second night we were there (the first night I cooked) I DID tell both my DS18 and his girlfriend (17), as well as our DS11, in SS25 and SDIL's presence, to put their dirty dishes directly into the dish washer. Also, I told my DS18 to take one SGD's plate and empty it in the garbage and then put it in the dishwasher and asked DS18's GF to do the same with other SGD's plate, with both SS25 and SDIL sitting at the table beside their DDs' empty plates. I figure this was enough of a hint that adults can realize what is requested. I don't feel comfortable asking SS25 or SDIL directly to do anything.
You hinted, you suggested,
You hinted, you suggested, you didn't boycott and demand.
Next time- sit at the pool or beach, cocktail in hand and waive you hand like a grand monarch and say- who is bringing me dinner tonight? I will take it here, in this lovely view!
Why do it?
Why go on holiday with 4 other adults (I include your DS and his gf) - it was predictable you would end up having to do a lot of housework? As the previous poster said, you are under no obligation to either take them, pay or cook and clean up for them. I have never once been on a holiday with my steps as I know it would be no holiday for me.
Agreed
Agreed
I do it because I know my DH
I do it because I know my DH wants to spend time with SS25, SDIL and the 2 SGDs. Every single thing I did was so my DH would enjoy his vacation because, despite the way SS25 treats him, my DH loves him and wants a relationship with him, and we don't get to see them that often. They lived 2 hours away where SSs grew up, but last year, moved another hour and a half away, so they live 3 1/2 hours from us.
I agree with the others. You
I agree with the others. You shouldn’t have to ask them to help, but did you? Same goes for your DS18 & his GF. They’re plenty old enough to have pitched in with the cooking & cleaning, not using & taking advantage of you & your DH.
I wonder if they’d been more helpful if your DH would be more upset that his own son didn’t help.
Either way, next time your DH suggests a family vacation of any kind, simply refuse to go. Separate finances so none of your money is going towards SS25 & his family, and take your own (minor) kids on holiday.
As I said above, I told
As I said above, I told everyone prior to the trip that I thought it would be "fun" for each couple to cook a night. I was trying to keep it light-hearted and not sound like a nagging b*tch. lol. As we were in the car leaving to come home (SS25 & Family were not with us) I did say something about not enjoying having to cook and clean up for 9 people, and my DS18 and his girlfriend said they thought each couple was supposed to cook a night. I said to them no one mentioned it, so I wasn't going to force it. I told them I won't do a beach house again. I would never speak so freely to my SS25 and SDIL for fear of alienating them. I'm going to have to think long and hard about a future vacation.
Refuse to go next time. My
Refuse to go next time. My mother pays for all of us to go to a cottage together, but we all pitch in and she does the least of everyone, as it should be.
Your skids are users and your DH is a wimp. I can't imagine not jumping up to help the people who paid for my vacation, and taking care of my own kids' mess. I'm sure there was no recognition, either, that you did everything.
I would be absolutely infuriated and it would be my last vacation. If DH is too ball-less to stand up to his kids, I'd have to bow out.
Definitely infuriated
Definitely infuriated
So much this.
So much this.
How do these people even sleep at night? There’s no way I could live with myself, with the thought of helping in any way not even being a blip on my radar.
I'm astounded more than
I'm astounded more than anything, although I shouldn't be I guess, since SS25 and SDIL have NEVER offered to clean up after meals at our house. They always sit and visit with DH while I do all the work. I just thought since I said something in advance this time they'd take a hint. My DH will never say anything negative to SS25 for fear of losing him.
Ugh. So sorry, SMto2.
Ugh. So sorry, SMto2.
The way it should have been to request everyone pitches in
Is you or hubby say “right who will be cooking dinner tonight as its only fair every couple takes turns since we did sponsor this trip, there is no freeloading here?”
I know this sounds passive aggressive but heck these people seem like sponges... me and hubby go on vacay’s with just our toddlers, no way will i spend it with any skid, especially sd’s... last year hubby at a moments notice after ss20 informing him he was free for hubby to take him on a holiday during our 4th wedding anniversary weekend then told me to book tickets and a hotel anywhere for us and 3 skids. NOOOOOOOOOOOO was what he got 2 times with a factual analysis of how this wedding anniversary trip would go like, your 3 kids act like leeches wanting breakfast lunch and dinner paid for by you, they ignore us and especially me unless they rant on about bio mum and stepdad. Remember this is our wedding anniversary weekend meaning your exwife and stepdad shouldn’t even be a topic of discussion.
Hubby got screenshots of tickets for me and our toddlers to fly back to my dads for holiday at a cost of over $6000 and hubby was told to enjoy the trip with his very extremely unpleasant disrespectful kids... hubby refused to go and said it was absolute torture spending time with those kids of his. I mean heck they can’t even talk when alone together thanks to bio mums pas
I am 46 & have vacationed
I am 46 & have vacationed with my parents and bio sons (now 24 & 23) many times over the years. I would never consider allowing my kids to be slobs and leave my parents to clean although they did pay for most of it because that is how my parents are.
The skids on the other hand, I do not vacation with them other than a quick overnight a couple times to a waterpark hotel(cheap and easy) and I would never consider taking them somewhere with my parents. My parents & I are going to a lake house today with bio son 23 and Im leaving the skids behind with their aunt, DH is working. Im going only for the day because of work. My parents and son are staying a couple days. I made sure that this happened during the week so that DH didnt try to tag along and bring the skids. They are appalling and we have friends at this lake as we've been going there for 40+ years.
This is my life...avoiding doing things with my husband to avoid the skids
Sad but that’s how I’m
Sad but that’s how I’m feeling, we have a lake house too and I avoid going because I don’t want to host every weekend
Momentum is a powerful thing.
Momentum is a powerful thing. Things will not change unless there is some forcing function.
Maybe the good that can come out of this exhausting family trip is that you will no longer entertain these fully funded vacations for adults. If you DH wants to because he is desperate for some kind of relationship with him, that's his choice. But you don't need to subject yourself to this.
Girl, go book yourself a massage! You deserve it.
You're right. Something does
You're right. Something does need to change. I don't know yet how I'm going to handle this. I told DH at one point I won't go next year and he can just go and cater to everyone. I feel like such a jerk after I say things like that because my DH looks pitiful. The SSs and his being the "Guilty Disney Dad" are the ONLY thing that' we've ever had a serious disagreement over in 20 years of marriage.
Why are you making yourself a
Why are you making yourself a martyr? Did you ask anyone for help? Did you have each set of adults sign up for a day to cook? Did you have everyone agree on chores and upkeep? Did you tell SS and his wife their kids dishes were left out? I understand you want everyone to just offer, but that's not always how life works, especially when so many adults are involved. SS and his wife may have assumed you enjoyed cooking/cleaning/paying for everything since you never said anything. I get being frustrated, but don't sit in silence and then be pissed off that no one read your mind.
Believe me, the last thing I
Believe me, the last thing I want to be is a "martyr." I just didn't want to have to deal with the tension that I think making the comments you suggest would have created.
This is not a vacation for you
I see you did try to ask. Now you need to matter of factly demand. If DS18 and his GF cannot cook, they can get extra cleaning assingments.
In retrospect, I'm sorry I
In retrospect, I'm sorry I didn't at least mention to my DS18 and his GF17 about cooking a night. When I told his GF about my idea prior to the trip, I mentioned that she is a whiz at omelettes and it would be fun to have "breakfast for dinner." She at least was nice enough to pretend that sounded fine to her. lol. When I said something as we were leaving in the car about no one cooking, she mentioned that she thought there was a plan for each couple to cook for a night, so she obviously hadn't forgotten about it. I think I should have mentioned it to her and my son and had them do it. I still don't think SS25 and DIL would have done it, however. When I mentioned it, there was no response indicating they thought it was a good idea. SS25 asked if I was ok with microwave meals, which we all laughed at at the time. Turns out the joke was on me. lol.
Why in the world would you
Why in the world would you want to go on a cruise with them? Or any vacation whatsoever? "No" is a valid response.
I spent resenting that DH and
I spent resenting that DH and I had to basically be responsible for cleaning up after and feeding 9 people for the week, including 2 grown @ss adults.
You went and signed up to be the one responsible for cleaning after grown ass people. You need to own this one because no one made you take that on.
Every evening, my DH and I were responsible either for COOKING for all 9 family members (and buying the groceries to do so) or taking the group out to dinner and paying for everyone.
Again why do YOU feel the need to also cater to these grown ass kids and feel responsible. For whatever reason you agree to pay their way and can't seem to find your voice in telling your H that you will no longer entertain this foolishness.
I am disappointed in myself and wish I could be a better person who was just happy for DH and willing to do whatever it took to make him (and SS25) happy.
What exactly are you trying to prove? Why are you sacrificing your happiness for that of your H and "afraid" to upset SS25? Why are you both walking on eggshells and so hell bent on making him happy? News flash but you can't make this grown @ss man happy, only he can do that but why would he when you and his father do EVERYTHING for him.
Where is your voice? Speak up and stop doing all this nonsense.
I don't disagree with
I don't disagree with anything you said. The problem is, I'm afraid to say or do anything that will jeopardize the relationship with SS25. He's always been very high maintenance, and all EOW visitations when he was little were ALL about him. Also, he is enmeshed with BM, which caused him to be PAS'd for many years. My DH is deathly afraid of saying or doing anything to upset him out of fear of losing the relationship. If that were not a factor, this would be super easy. I have no problem speaking my mind to people, and do it fairly well, but the stakes here are high.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments. I'll add I get a text from SDIL each Spring saying that SGDs have been saying they'd love to go to the beach, obviously hinting at whether we are making vacation plans. This year, as I mentioned, we really were thinking of NOT taking them on vacation (well, perhaps it was more me.) I don't know how to respond to this. I will say, the next time I'm thinking about this, I'm going to remember how SDIL went on and on during the trip about how AWESOME a grandmother BM is and how she just makes SUCH an effort to see them and is SUCH a fantastic grandmother!! Lol.
When you get the dreaded text
When you get the dreaded text, simply answer it with "How sweet. Where are you taking them?"
There you go - done!
I still don't understand why you didn't call out your own son
I still don't understand why you didn't call out your own son. You didn't say anything to SS because you were afraid if you did that he would leave the house if asked to do the dishes or cook. That doesn't explain why you didn't make your own son and his girlfriend do their share. You could have talked to your son in private and told him to help - not mention it to him - tell him.
And I am not at all impressed with his girlfriend. Anytime I was at a man's parents house for a meal, I offered to help put the meal on the table and was the first one to start helping with the dishes. What kind of a girl just sits around and doesn't offer to help?
Yes, I said above I wish I’d
Yes, I said above I wish I’d said something to my son and his girlfriend as well. My expectations are higher for people who are adults living on their own, but that doesn’t excuse my DS.