My initial though about the DWs is OMG how entitled are they behaving.  

If you don't think its worth having fights with your DH over this you need to go but completely disengage.

First thing is get the SSs DW to communicate with you DH directly.  If he wants this to happen, then he gets to do everything. The SSs should be taking to their dad directly.

If you do go on the trip, do not do anything.  No cooking - that's on DH.  No cleaning - if he doesn't get people to pitch in he can get a cleaning service.  I know I'm contradicting myself but by this suggestion but is there anything on the market that resembles a catered skiing chalet but for summer that you could steer your DH towards.  (You have a staff member on site who does all the cooking and cleaning)  

Hill to die on.  Do not give in on this or it will be what you're expected to do every year.  And it will only get worse.

Oh my God, I would NOT be doing this.

Even without all the cleaning and cooking and paying, my Christmas trips to Skidville have been torture. I don't get much time off work and that's NOT how I want to spend vacation time. Add in everything you are expected to do, and that's big oh HELL no.

Your DH does all the communicating, all the planning, all the paying, all the associated chores. And he needs to make sure his skidults know that this isn't an annual thing. It's crazy that grownup, married children expect their dad to include them in his vacation.

I would have told the skids I had no plans for a vacation this year and not even asked my DH.  
 

since that is too late, stand strong and tell your DH he needs to plan it all.  If you choose to end up going, plan putting a for you and your kids to go sight see do fun things.  Stop trying to do everything all together.  Let DH deal with cooking, dinner and clean up. Or plan something you know they will all hate.   

I would go (havent been on vacay for YEARS) and enjoy MYSELF.

DH can cater to his spawn and their spawn.

Tell him in detail why. Use this and the other post as your "presentation notes".

Your meticulous planning skills and time, you can use for your own enjoyment planning.

I would suggest talking to a travel agent. Tell the kids this is what you are thinking (I love a cruise) and they need to contact the agent by X date to get their deposit and room booked. See what happens then!

Nope nope nope.  There is no way this would happen. 

But if you feel you just have to go on vaca with your DH...Plan it.  For you, your DH and your kids.  AT A HOTEL.  Then have him send the kids a text like the following...."Hi kids...DW and I are doing vacation at a hotel this year.  If yall would like to take vacation at the same time as us, we will be staying at Hotel blabla on these dates." 

Then leave it up to them if THEY want to break in on your vacation.  

I mean I go on vacation with my parents all the time and have for many years.  (cruises)  We figure out dates and then we separately book our cruise and pay for our own cruise.  So weird that all these adults are expecting free vacations and your DH is ok with it.  

Your H has some nerve being upset with you because you don't want to cater to HIS GROWN ASS SMOOCHING KIDS. Let him get upset and by all means allow him to book and entertain them. I would not spend my hard earned vacation time on ungrateful @ssholes. You need to have a voice in all this and put your foot down. Everyone wants to know when and where is vacation but their broke @sses have no money to fund it. 

Are you afraid of H getting upset? If so, why? You are being taken advantage of and abused here and he can care less. If anything you should be upset that he doesn't value YOUR time off. These are his kids and drama to deal with and you have been enabling and entertaining this for far too long.

I would not go on vacation with them if that was the case. Your H can get upset, and miss you with all that nonsense!

I understand its hard when your partner decides to pull the silence/pouting trick however last year you didnt want to go on the family vacation, you blogged about how stressful it was and how you it would not happen again. Yet here we are. 

Why did you even reply to the text enquiries?why are you allowing all these people (dh inc) to use you, to pay for a vacation you hate, to use&waste your precious time?!

Your DH has made clear to you that he knows they are using him, but he will never stop trying to buy their love because for him, that's better than no relationship at all.

You do not have to go along with that.  You will have to take a stand here - do you go at all? Do you go with the understanding that you will NOT be the one doing all the paying, cooking and cleaning up after this lot of ungrateful, entitled brats?  Do you go if it's a cruise or some other type of vacation where you can go do your own thing without being responsible for anything? 

Whatever your choice, take a stand and stick with it. 

This is what we do for family vacations. My parents book a place with our approval and tell us what it would be for our family to attend ($/night). We agree (but my parents usually cover this). Then we create a google doc with each day of the trip and everyone signs up for the meals. I would add a column for them to sign up for cleaning duties as well. We usually sign up to bring snacks and bottled water too.

For the record, I would stick to my boundaries if I could, but this would be the alternative.

It almost made me feel ill reading your OP.  I remember well the holiday you described last year.  You can just say no, you know.  You don't HAVE to go on holiday with the SKIDs if you don't want.  Surely a couple's holidays are for them and usually their minor children to recharge in a way of the parents choosing, since they pay for it.  Recharging when you have a bunch of entitled freeloaders aboard is pretty impossible. Just saying. 

the enabled don't like it.

Change is messy and takes time, especially when you've been the one facilitating the dysfunction for a long time. You can expect pressure, disapproval, and scapegoating from all the parties who benefited from you doormatting for them

Your DH is deep, deep in the poo of delusion and fantasy, so of course he doesn't like the fact you're no longer propping up the facade. That's rather selfish, but my DH did the same thing when I resigned as Cruise Director.

I think you'd be within your rights to send a reply to SDIL saying you don't get much time off and you're not sure you want to do a beach house this year as it was a lot of work cooking and cleaning up after everyone. Truth is a commodity often in short supply in one sided relationships, but maybe your SSs' wives will have the grace to feel ashamed. See what result dropping a small truth bomb brings. The wives could play a huge part in creating change.

As for your DH, stand firm. He's used to you putting his wants first and being a partner in the dysfunction. Give him time to chew on what you've said. But if he starts pressuring in you to go back to drinking the Kool-Aid, ask him questions that force him to think:

• Why does he want you to do something you don't enjoy?
• Why is he okay with these adults mistreating you?
• What concessions is he willing to offer you in exchange for you going to the beach house?
• What contribution is he willing to require of the SSs for this vacation?

It comes down to you either not going, or negotiating boundaries and limits that will make your vacation enjoyable for YOU.

Exjuliemccoy~

So you are to plan and book a week away for a large group of people?  Wonderful!  Habitat for Humanity would greatly appreciate so many young healthy people in the middle of summer there to volunteer.  What a great way to spend a family vacation!  Everybody excited?????

OMG. Again!?!?! Just stop. Don't participate, attend, anything. Why are you putting yourself through this?

DH and I have not gone on a vacation in a couple of years due to funding issues (thanks in part due to his legal fees and extras that he insisted upon having for SSs), so I told DH that he was welcome to take SSs for a week or two over the summer (he is entitled to two weeks), but I wasn't going to plan any of it. I also told him that he'd have to figure out how he was going to pay for it and cover his other kid-related expenses (like child support), especially since he doesn't get paid time off. Needless to say, we have not "gone on vacation" with SSs, either. He took them to the family cabin for a week over the holiday break (without me), so that will have to count as their vacation this year, too.

I refuse to plan for people who a) will always complain even if I plan something really amazing for them to do; b) are never satisfied and always need to spend more, more, more; c) can't even contribute minimal things (like picking up their own trash). 

God bless you for doing that for a bunch of adults even once. Instead of being in a snit, your DH should be eternally grateful that you even tried and also that you were willing to pay for a bunch of adults. What a bunch of entitled brats!

All inclusive to Riviera Maya.

Meals and cleaning all included.

That's what you have your heart set on.  Nothing else will do.

I would not want to go if I was going to be treated like this and if I did not like my husband's kids. So personally I would leave my husband to sort it all himself and just stay home or do my own thing. 

But...if you do decide that to do something with them then I would make sure that a personal chef or caterer and a cleaner/housekeeper are included wherever it is that you all go. It seems like money is not a problem so adding these services to the cost should be ok and you can tell your husband that is the only way that you will agree to go, otherwise he is on his own...and he can book everything himself. If he does not have time or inclination to research it himself he can pay a personal assistant or better yet a travel agent to sort it all for him. Money really can solve a lot of problems if you are have it and are willing to spend it. 

"she's now texted me asking what "our" vacation plans are this Summer so she can plan"

"Oh how absolutely sweet of you to want to plan a vacation for us! Thank you SO much! DH will be delighted that you want to take us away somewhere!"

with his kids, their partners and kids etc. specifically tell him the issues, dishes not done, rude & disrespectful, made a mess at the accommodation, never chipped in but freeloaded off us and no thankyou and tell hubby he’s absolutely lost it if he thinks anyone wants to torture themselves with his precious 1st family who have no manners.

heck i actually told hubby to visualize how a trip with skids would be like. I told hubby to enjoy that trip alone being ignored and treated like shit and the precious so-called family holiday really will turn into a daily report of bio mum and stepdads life. I told hubby since he can’t stand hearing his daughters rant on about their mum but is too chicken shit to tell his daughters to stfu, then hubby can kill himself at having to spend a holiday with precious skids during our wedding anniversary weekend while i was overseas with my kids destressing.

Don’t cave in, don’t do a list of rules for them to follow, I guarantee you they will not be looked at, followed or enforced so you just wasted money on that trip for nothing.

Just get into your car , pick a direction and start driving.  Always plenty of hotels that you can stay at 

If your husband wants to be used and treated like crap, and have a fake relationship with his kids, fine (as pathetic as that is), but he should not expect YOU to go along with it or to be so disrespected. I can't imagine my dad letting me act like that on a vacation that he and his wife pay for. Sitting on my ass while his wife did all the work? Oh my God, I cannot even imagine.

I just don't get being so worried about being estranged from assholes, offspring or not. Sad way to live. He'd rather keep these brats happy to get a few crumbs than to be concerned about his wife and her feelings.

You don't have to have vacations with skids. You can use your vacation time travelling with your friends, sister, kids, travel group, alone etc 

If the only way for him to have relationship with kids is to vacation with them, then he could that but without me. 

OP, what do you bios think about their half brothers? Have they ever expressed confusion or resentment about the way you and their dad prostrate yourselves for them? Can you tell us a bit about their relationship with the SSs?

I find your "all in" approach to the dysfunction interesting, because I was the same way with my DH for years. I didn't  even understand I had a choice, and was a good little wifey and team player. It really did a number on my self worth. Do you ever feel ridiculous catering to these users? Does your gut tell you it doesnt feel right when you act like the maid? When the SDIL waxed on about what a wonderful grandmother BM is, did you say anything? I'm not trying to be rude; I'm trying to understand you better. FWIW, I didn't speak up for years. I took the abuse, because I desperately wanted to be part of a family. Ultimately, demeaning myself didn't improve the father- skid relationship at all.

You have a generous income that offers many different vacation options, yet you and your sons participate in this skid farce. Do you get a chance to take your sons to places of interest? Why not plan a trip for the three of you to somewhere exciting this year? Let your H have "quality" time with his older sons, while you make memories with your boys. Make some fantastic memories and strengthen your bond with your sons. You don't have to be present to support your H.

This is nuts.

My SD24 keeps saying we need to do a "family trip" each year...and trying to get us to take all of them to Nappa Valley, or a cruise, or whatever. But they barely come home to visit...  Her and her brother always complain that they were never taken on family trips when they were growing up....From kids that went to Russia, Paris, and Europe.  Also that studied abroad in Ireland, etc.  She and her live-in BF both have nice jobs-they just want us to foot the bill for a vacation for them.  They don't appreicate that we take them skiing each winter and have a lake house that we go to and invite them...they always want more.  We have kayaks, paddle boards, canoes, swim island, etc.  What does she do when she gets there?  Tell us the collective "we" need to rent jetskis.  I said go ahead each time, and finally on the third time she says it gave her the local rental information.  She was taken back-she was totally expecting us to rent HER and her BF jetskis if she kept at it enough-it's what would have happened in the past with DH.  Im sorry, we are providing a lake front vacation home, meals (I cooked and my husband and I cleaned up after each one- no help from SD and BF), dining and drinks out on our tab and entertainment.  She can rent her own d@mn jetski.

In years past we totally would have done this and more. Want a ski boat?  Sure, we'll rent that too!  I'm over it.  It's never enough.  DH is finally seeing this a tiny bit for what it is.  When I told him that I didn't think we shoul rent their jetski for them he agreed and didn't cave.  It's a start.

Stay strong!  Don't let guilty feelings of obligation make you do stuff you don't want to do.  I put the shoe on the other foot and think if they feel obligated about anything towards us....Yeah, not so much.  They are adults, and thus these relationships go two ways...Are give and takes.  I'm done with one sided relationships with them.  It feels used and not good.  My kids come see me to come see me.  They don't "suggest" repeatedly that we eat out, rent stuff, go on fancy vacations, etc.  If we do, it is at MY suggestion, not theirs.  That is the way it should be.