Setting boundaries, phase I
So after reading everyone's response and suggestions to my post yesterday, I decided to have a talk with BF regarding ss3 and ss4.
BF and I dated for 6 months before I met the ssons. I wanted to make sure I want to be with him and feel good about our relationship before being introduced to his kids. Before I came into the pic, the boys sleep in the bed with bf, even though they have their own bed. The first night I stayed over, I felt so uncomfortable with sleeping the bed with him and his kids so I stared avoided going over to his house whenever ssons are there. BF noticed it, asked so I told him the truth. Off course he didn't understand, asking me if I would feel the same way if those two boys were OURS. I felt guitly and tried to get adjusted but I couldn't. After a while, I told him "I will not spend the night at your place until you train you boys to sleep in their own beds." BF though I was kiding but after not seing me for a week, he started training them to sleep in their own beds, in their rooms.
I thought the problem was solved. A little while later I moved in. At first the ss3 would sleep in his bed all night and only comes to our bed in the morning while ss4 would come over in the middle of the night. I didn't say much about it, waiting for BF to do something but he didn't. Fastforward to present where both ss won't sleep unless it's in the big bed with us.
Last night, I reminded BF that the boys should be sleeping in their bed, specially since when they're in ours, I get a one foot space to sleep in and most nights I can't sleep because I'm so uncomfortable due to ss3 moving so much in his sleep that I get punched in the stomach, the back,etc. I told BF last night that if the ssons come into our room at night, he should take them back to bed. At around 2 AM, ss4, came into our bed, I woke BF up, told him to take his son back to his room. ss4 refussed to go to his bed, started screaming, crying and slapping bf in the face. I felt so guilty, I almost gave in and told bf to let ss4 sleep in our bed, just one more night. Thank goodness I stood my ground. This morning, I guess ss4 is still upset about last night, he refused to get out of bed. He pied in the bed, it was soaked and BF told him to get up so that he can change the sheets and put him in dry clothes but ss4 refused, screamed, slapped BF again and said he wanted to go to his mom. This caused BF to feel so bad and guilty that he allowed ss4 to watch TV and do whatever he wanted without consequences.
I'm getting so fed up with all this to the point where I'm wondering if I'm cut out to be a sm. The ssons sleeing in our bed is just one of many, many, many issues. Even BF's mother thinks that BF should be setting stronger boundaries for the boys. BF feels like he has to make up the lack of love the boys receive from BM. I love and care about BF and for the most part, I adore ssons but I really need to work with BF to set appropriate boundaries. I can't continue to feel like I'm being held hostage in my own home!
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Comments
Oh, I fight with the
Oh, I fight with the co-sleeping people all the time, but I'm with you -- adults need their own bed, and children need to learn to sleep by themselves. Or together in a bed with each other. But not with you.
Yeah. The skids would never
Yeah. The skids would never dream of doing this. This is just MO of course, but adult things happen in adult beds and obviously you're not having sex with the kids in there, but it doesn't matter. It is what it is, and children should be in children beds. If they want to "snuggle" with their dad, do it on the couch. Maybe you could try that. Have your BF sleep on the couch and see if they come to bed or the couch...
I think letting them sleep in
I think letting them sleep in a bed together is a good idea. And they can have a snuggle time in the evening and maybe add one in the morning.
Try to encourage a positive aspect. Like, a sticker chart. Small reward for sleeping in your own bed each night, big reward for a long stretch.
I dealt with this too when I first met hubby. SS was 3.5 at the time and his bed time was dad's bedtime and dad's bed was his. If I was invited over on nights when SS was there, BF would sometimes not so politely tell me it was time to leave so he could have his alone time with his son. In some ways, it pissed me off. But in other ways, I tried to put myself in his shoes, only seeing my child 50% of the time and having to work and such during the day. We bought him a new bed when it was finally decided that I was going to move in (we had begun a ritual of just picking him up and moving him to his bed after he fell asleep) and it was a hard adjustment, but it got easier.
My biggest problem is that BF
My biggest problem is that BF doesn't think it's an issue for the boys to always sleep in our bed therefore I feel like I'm working hard to set boundaries for him and the SS. I don't want to feel like the bad guy who's always asking bf to set limits. Since the boys are still so young, I'm hoping they'll have an easier time adjusting their behaviors and give me and bf little problems.