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I hate being a step parent sometimes...making sacrifices out of guilt :(

smomof2's picture

SO and I have been planning a weekend getaway since February. Due to busy work schedule and having the ssons 50% or more, we keep postponing the weekend trip. Last weekend we finally sat down and sorted out the details of the weekend getaway. I was so looking forward to it until now. SO just called to say BM emailed him saying she has a function to attend next weekend and wants us to keep the boys those 3 nights. The way SO presented was "SM, you know I love those boys and would jump at the chance to spend more time with them but I just want to check with you before I say yes to BM". SO then asked if we could postpone our trip once more to last weekend in June when we won't have the ssons.

My inital reaction was to say "no, we've postponed this getaway too many times, no more! tell her no" but I felt guilty. I know SO really loves the boys and like he said he would much rather have them with us than have BM dragged them out late at night or have them stay with a babysitter. I hate the fact that sometimes I agree to things just so I wouldn't feel like the bad guy.


smomof2's picture

I brough this up as well and SO swears he's not accomodating her even though he seems like it. SO's other argument is that he's documenting the times BM demands we keep the boys during her court assigned time. In the last year we've had the boys an average of 77% even though the CO says 50%. SO is waiting until BM pulls up one of her stunts again and he'll go to court and ask that for more custody time since that's what he has anyway.

cant win for losin's picture

is it a possiblity to take the boys and then find a sitter for the weekend? Grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc... it could be a win win. You would get away and they would be able to spend time with family.

B22S22's picture

That's a tough situation to find yourself in.

As far as your DH stating he's not doing this to accomodate BM, well he's right AND wrong.

BM knows he will take any moments he can get to be with his kids. Therefore, if she has plans, she knows all that needs to be done is put a bug in his ear about it and he'll jump. So yes, he is accomodating her needs at the expense of yours.

I encountered this early on in our relationship, because my DH has his kids every weekend. Yes, EVERY WEEKEND. Which means there was ZERO opportunity for us to do anything. One time, the BM said she was keeping the SK's for the weekend to take them to see their grandmother (BM's mom). Great! DH and I made plans. The night before we were supposed to leave, BM calls and says she's decided they're not going, so told DH either 1) come get the kids, or 2) I'll tell them you don't want them around. She couldn't just keep them, because she had actually made other plans for herself already.

DH got off the phone, told me "We can't go now, I have to go get the kids." I asked him, "What's this 'WE' shit? I'M going, with or without you. I'm not allowing my life to be dictated by someone else, and neither should you."

I know it's difficult for my DH not to be with his kids all the time. But they're here every single weekend. Even DH's mom had a talk with him about how WE need time just for the two of us, which he consistently pushed on the back burner every single time BM throws him a bone.

You need to stick to your plans. It sounds like it has been postponed time and time again and all that is doing is allowing resentment to build up inside of you. You and your DH need time alone together and you need to let him know how it upsets you that it has continually taken 2nd place to everything else going on.