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Week three

Smellissa's picture

Hey, guys. I'm feeling pretty broken down today, and just wanted to post. You know, I want a record of this, for "some day". Some day, what? I don't know?

Today is the beginning of week three, that Hubby has been gone. Or is it the first day of week four? I don't even know anymore, and I'm not sure that I care.

There is so much going on besides the whole ordeal with Hubby.

There is some drama with my "big family" (my mom and siblings) that is really tearing me down. It is one of those things that you just have to grieve over, until you are done grieving. Sad

SD15 and I started a group together last week. It is for survivors of childhood sexual abuse trauma. It's art-based but there is a workbook to use from home.

Wow! I had buried so much inside me. I didn't realize the weight of it, and I thought that I had dealt with it. I'm not discussing my work with SD15, but am available for her to discuss anything she wants to. I won't scar her with my drama, but damn! I wish there was someone to talk to.

Finally, and this is really gross, we have bed bugs! OMG! I cannot stand bugs of any kind (except spiders! I like spiders, because they eat other bugs!) so this is tearing me up.

Of course, I can't afford an exterminator. I am treating it homeopathic-ally, and believe it or not, it seems to be working. However, this is the most disgusting thing!

Today is one of those days, where if one more thing goes wrong, I might just BLOW! I just really don't need one more person to judge me, laugh at me (yes, the lady at the bank really laughed when I got upset that a check wasn't able to be cashed -written on that same bank!) or put me down in any way, shape or form. (So please, if you have anything to say that isn't gentle, use kid gloves on me today! Sad I may not read responses to this post until tomorrow, because I am overly sensitive today!)

Anyway, that's the bad for now. And I don't want to leave this post on a bad note. So, I am going to post some positives below. You know, trying to change the way I think so I can change the way I feel.

These are the things that I accomplished today!
-I went to the bank (a pretty big deal for an agoraphobic who didn't have it planned!).
-I called in 11 different prescriptions for three different people, and arranged to have them delivered tomorrow.
-I made twelve doctor's appointments for the different people in my family for this month.
- I scheduled 15 different bus trips for doctor's appointments this month, including one for Thursday that is a big deal, and they almost had to deny me for!

(Taking care of Health Care in my house is almost a full time job!) Since I was able to do all of these things, I am not a full-time looser. In fact, since these things are pretty hard for me, and I was able to do them all without whining, I actually did pretty awesome! Also, I will be in attendance for all of these doctor's appointments! (Full time job, I said!)

Who has figured out how to pay (almost) all of her bills this month, on her own, while still taking care of (and feeding) two teenagers? THIS GIRL! I am still in limbo about how to pay the cell phone bill ($160), but I think Hubby is going to do it without me having to ask him. We will see, but if the cell phones get cut off, I will just have to find a home phone service.

The sad news is, I don't know how I am going to buy SD12 a birthday present. I explained it to her already (of course) by saying that I may be late. If she has to wait two weeks for her present, she is fine with it. However, I am still having her a birthday party, where others will bring her gifts and celebrate her life! (My cousin wants to give me the money to buy the birthday present, but at this point, I can say "I did it all on my own!" I don't want to change that!)

By the way, guess what SD12 wants for her birthday present on her 13th birthday? A DAUGHTER'S RING! I asked her why, and she said because she wants to show the world that I am her mom. (Queue the waterworks!) Her second wish is a 10 inch tablet...

Anyway guys, pray for us. We aren't doing bad, but all three of us could sure use some relief!


tryingmom's picture

You are accomplishing a lot! Great job!

Prayers go with you.

ETA: If you have a steamer or know anyone that has one, that will get rid of bedbugs. You just have to get the steam on them for 20 - 30 seconds.

Smellissa's picture

tryingmom, thank you! Biggrin Especially for the prayers, because I need them so bad lately!

I used to have a steamer, but my sister in law barrowed it, over a year ago, and hasn't given it back! I think I will call her today and see if she still has it! Biggrin

Smellissa's picture

exhausted, thank you! I am doing my best to keep my head up, but it gets hard, some days. There is so much going on other than the drama with Hubby.. the drama with Hubby is actually the easiest thing so far! LOL

You know, the girls are the only reason I am able to do this. Things with Hubby have been a roller coaster ride for years, but I have stayed, because there wasn't a good enough reason not to. Hearing OSD say "I just need to get used to it." shattered me a little. I don't want these girls to get used to or take any kind of abuse, ever.

Thank you for the prayers. I need them more than I could tell you, lately!

Smellissa's picture

Aswang, thank you for using the kid gloves version.

Hubby and I are doing parenting classes together. Hubby starts his own therapy on the 22nd of this month. After that, we will do family therapy, I hope.

I don't feel like I am struggling anymore without Hubby than I would be WITH Hubby. My (religious) view on what is happening now is that my family must be about to come into some great things, because the devil sure is working hard on bringing us down, each and every one of us.

I actually have the food part figured out, and the bed bugs are under control. We will be doing a big treatment on Friday, and i believe that that will get rid of all of them. Even so, we will be doing preventative measures, because I never want these filthy things back!

I found SD the ring she wants for $40 (the tablet was $50). In November, after all the bills are paid (including cell phone and cable) I will have plenty of leftover money, with no help from anyone. The problem this month is that I am catching up on the bills that Hubby was supposed to pay and didn't. I will have them caught up this month, because I don't want to have to worry about it anymore!

I do know my worth, but there is obviously more to the story than I am sharing on here. I'm not ready to share it, but for me, it's enough to hold my ground and do what I think is right, for as long as I have to!

Yosemite's picture

I second the suggestion of a steamer for the bed bugs. Also, peppermint oil drizzled on the mattress, pillows couches (bottoms of cushions and inside covers) , put on cotton balls in the drawers, etc will drive away any the steamer misses. You have to do it every couple of weeks but it does work. You can put some peppermint oil in plain, cheap dollar store shampoo/lotion and it helps keep them off of you (pets too). If you can't afford peppermint oil, strong smelling peppermint flavored gum works too (although not in shampoo/lotion). Put it all around the house in the same places still in the wrapper but open the ends of the wrappers so the smell gets out.
As for your SD, give her a coupon book of things she can use later, like get out of dishes/chores free, home mani/pedi, choice of what show to watch, coupon for her favorite dinner, home spa day, etc.

I hope things get better for you soon!

Smellissa's picture

Yosamite, where do you get peppermint oil from? I have been using diamatious earth, alcohol and teatree oil (three different treatments, in an almost constant rotation - except all laundry is washed constantly in teatrea oil!) I am thinking that peppermint oil would smell a whole lot better! I wonder if it could be added to the laundry, to?

Thanks for the idea of a coupon book! I think that SD would like that a lot! Biggrin

And thanks for your well-wishes! Biggrin I hope things get better real soon, to!

Yosemite's picture

I get peppermint oil at the local health food store but you can find it all over. I think it would be fine to mix in with cheap laundry soap, I wouldn't put directly on clothes without mixing first.
The bugs hate the smell. A little goes a long way when putting it on cotton balls or on pillows or couch cushions (unseen areas). Someone mentioned picture frames, you can put a little peppermint oil on a cotton ball then rub it along the back edge of the frame.
Also, really strong smelling peppermint gum works well too. You can't put it everywhere you can put the oil and you can't mix it into shampoo/lotion/laundry soap, but it's cheaper.

blueorblackink's picture

I worked in a hotel and had extensive bed bug training. You can order a bag from amazon to put your stuff into to kill the bed bugs. I cannot remember what it is called. Also wash every linen/fabric thing you own in HOT water. They don't just live in beds though. Treat all your upholstery with a steamer. But here is the kicker, they can live in picture frames as well so treat the items you have laying in that vicinity. If you live in a rental the land lord is required to fix the problem. If you rented furniture or bought new furniture then the store that sold them to you should be notified they have insurance to cover that stuff.

Bedbug rant over. Keep your chin up. You got way more accomplished than I did today.

Smellissa's picture

Justforthis, I know that they aren't my kids.. Even though we all want an adoption to happen, it hasn't happened yet, and wouldn't happen if someone came in for a home review and I still had the bedbugs. This situations SUCKS, but I don't know what else to do!

Smellissa's picture

blueorblack, we are constantly doing laundry in hot hot water. I am ordering bed bug mattress covers from ebay (they are so much cheaper on ebay!). We're treating picture frames, and everything else i can think of until I can get it all out to the shed. We are also considering pulling up all the carpeting.. the girls are working on cleaning their laundry now, and until this problem is taken care of, their clothes have to be stored in the shed (except for ten outfits apiece). This is a lot of work! LOL

I don't rent, though. I own my little trailer, which is a lot more cost effective, but leaves maintenance up to me! Sad

StepLady's picture

You are doing the best you can right now and you are doing more for kids that are not yours than anyone else would. With bed bugs being so prevelant in North America, I would look around for a program to help you get rid of them in your home, we have a few places that help with black mold etc, if kids live there. Look around for the basic needs and to find some more good support for yourself. There are so many free church programs for kids and adults try to get involved there if possible. Are you in USA?

Smellissa's picture

Steplady, I actually have a friend who works with the elderly. Her company spent hundreds of dollars on some powder to make into a spray to kill bedbugs, and she gave me enough for a gallon. Since my home is pretty small, that will help, and maybe do it all. The problem is getting all of the laundry done and out of the house, so that there aren't as many places for them to hide.

Yep, I'm in the USA!

Smellissa's picture

Sally, your words are so strong, and peaceful! I cannot wait to be at the three month mark, after all of this crap is over with. Some days, it feels like it will never end! Sad

Thank you for the kind thoughts! I need them so badly!

twoviewpoints's picture

That's an awful lot of scheduling and arranging going on there. Have you thought about perhaps doing it for an income? Some home health care businesses use at-home people to schedule and organize their aids and nurses for their clients.

I don't remember if your DH is still coming over and doing his laundry or not. But if so, put a stop to the laundry or any type of luggage or basket, backpack ect coming in. Your new little house guest may have been brought in by him. He spends his time these days who knows where and those little critters just may have sneaked in with his coming in and out. If he tossed his coat on a friends sofa or bed that had bedbugs and then came and sat on yours...there you go. The pest task may be a priority right now before a birthday gift for SD. It just must, Its not optional.

Your SDs have been pretty understanding and I'm sure this girl knows with all of her heart that you have a gift for her on her special day if you could...she's wise enough to know that taking care of just her daily needs right now is a special gift in itself. A birthday cake with a woman who is trying the woman's hardest and gives the girl a heart full of love is a special gift that no money can buy. The coupon suggested above by a poster is a good idea.

Smellissa's picture

Twoviewpoints, scheduling for clients seems like a job I would enjoy and be good at! It would also give more meaning to my life. I will google it, and see what I can find out about it, because I'd love to do it!

Hubby is actually a car hauler, which means he crawls in and out of strange peoples cars, countless times a week. I think that is probably where the bugs came from in the first place, but I'll probably never know.

Getting rid of the bedbugs is definitely a priority! Food, lot rent, basic utilities, then bed bugs, and finally, anything fun (including any bills that aren't a necessity).

SD12 DOES understand.. she tries to be a good girl, so I know that she will not be selfish over this. I am lucky she is SO understanding, actually! Biggrin