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It's never enough

SM2004's picture

I have never posted on here before . . . actually just stumbled on the site because I have had a pit in my stomach for hours and don't know where else to vent my frustration.

A brief history: I am the SM of 4 children and have 2 biological. My SK range from 34-18 with two different mothers. I have had a fairly affectionate relationship with all 4. I am not the mothering type and have let me husband deal with most of the drama. The older 2 SK have families of their own and there has not been drama in a long time. It is the second set of SK that have been a constant thorn in my side. I have footed 1/2 of all of bills for all the things his ex decided her kids "needed" . . . cars, $50,000 in college tuition, a semester abroad, etc. On top of that we have also vacationed extensively with them -- Europe, Central America, Disney, etc. That being said, my family is significantly more financially comfortable than my husband's or his ex's or ourselves for that matter. My family has paid for trips for my family (me, husband, BKs) out of their pocket. This has been a constant source of contention with my 1 of my SK who is 23 years old and feels that she is entitled to come with us even though paying for her and her sister would be impossible and grossly unfair because if we pay for them shouldn't we pay for the older two SKs. She is constantly complaining that we never think of despite all we have done with her and her sister over the years.

The current drama:
My family booked a trip to visit youngest SK. We did not ask older SK23 because she had told me on a previous occasion that she was planning on going on the same trip with her boyfriend 2 months after our trip. She found out and is now not speaking to my husband because we did not invite her or check to see if she wanted to come.

Is she right? Are we thoughtless?

I would also like to bring up the fact that my husband is not the slightest bit concerned about all of this -- his answer "she'll get over it"

It is totally unfair that his family drama is tying my stomach into knots. Does anyone have any good suggestions for disconnecting?


lieutenant_dad's picture

"SD, you're an adult. If you want to go on a trip, no one can stop you. Additionally, no one should have to support your trips. I apologize if all you wanted was an invitation. Consider this your standing invitation to attend any family vacations that we have. However, it is YOUR responsibility to pay your share and decide if it fits into your schedule."

After I turned 18, I was invited to participate in family vacations but had to pay my own way. After my sister turned 18, there were no more family vacations because we were all adults. I'm floored that a 23 year old with a boyfriend is all upset that she can't go on a trip with her father - other than when she goes with him that she gets a free trip.

If your DH is taking the approach of "it'll blow over", then follow suit. Ultimately, the only reason you have a relationship with his kids is because of him, so let him sail the ship, so to speak. He's taking the right approach or leave her be. She's being whiny, and whiny children need to be ignored.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Just to add to this. I wasn't even invited on family trips after 18. I was told "this is when we're going if you need us call our cell phones." And that was that. Not that I could have paid for them even if invited. But once you're an adult, you shouldn't expect for parents to coddle you at all.

SM2004's picture

Thanks for your words of wisdom!! They were like a cool breeze that blew away all of the crazy in my head. I keep thinking that this going to get easier but it never seems to -- I guess its time to change my expectations!

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

My parents have not invited me on a vacation ever since I lived with them. Adults pay for their own trips.

Disneyfan's picture

But that is not the norm in all families.

My son just 26 this fall. My sister and I are paying for our parents to go on a cruise to Bermuda next summer. During the planning we decided to make it a family vacation. I am paying for my son to go on the trip.

Once he's married and has kuds of his own, I plan to include invite them to vacation with me (on my dime)once a year.

He knows darn well mot to demand/expect me to include/pay for him to do anything.

Focused_onourlife's picture

And he also knows you're going to pay his way through life because you are his BM and he's your only child. SP's are not obligated to pay for or do anything for their SK's, kids or adults, especially if they are rude and/or unappreciative. You are not a SP so you will never understand. Other then you, I don't know any adults who's parent/parents will pay for them and their family a vacation. Your situation is unique but not very rare.

SM2004's picture

I am fortunate to have parents that feel the same way you do and because of that my family has been lucky enough to go to some amazing places. However, their generosity does not extend to the my SKs especially because there are so many of them. I might have a different attitude if there was only one but there are 4. I want to know what make 23SK feel so special that she should be entitled to go with my family when the 3 SKs do not?

Acratopotes's picture

welcome and stop stressing about it, listen to your husband....

she's an adult and you are not responsible for paying for her, or inviting her along for that matter, she needs to have her own life.
You might be married to her father, but she's not your family... and your parents does not have to pay for anything she wants...

MoominMama's picture

Your husbands attitude is right. She is an adult and it sounds like she is having a tantrum and trying to cause trouble with you. She should talk to her father if she has a problem with it. Just ignore the drama seeker.

Focused_onourlife's picture

OP you can let your DH know that if he wants to pay for his adult daughter, he can pay with his OWN money but you will not. Then let him explain that, you owe your SD nothing but respect and mutual courtesy.

SM2004's picture

We have tried to split up the finances but could not get it work. We have been together for almost 17 years and married for 14 and have had a joint bank account for almost that entire time -- I wish some one had told me from the get that we should keep our money separate!