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Vacation without stepkids?

SittingPretty's picture

Would you feel bad for not taking your step kids on vacation? I’ve always included them on every trip.

Aside from clinginess and not being able to occupy themselves for any time at all they’ve always been nice to have around and I wanted them to feel included and part of the family. But YSD was SUCH a nightmare on a trip this summer that I’m starting to feel like I would like to do some vacations without having to deal with her drama 100 percent of the time. The trip wasn’t cheap and I found myself resentful of forking out that much money to deal all of her BS. Her dad found her even more trying than I did, and tried to check her behaviour but nothing seemed to work. She was downright nasty to my daughter every time she thought she was out of earshot, cried to go home constantly and when activities weren’t geared towards her 100 percent of the time she made us all VERY aware of how unhappy she was.

She’s going through a real phase of scorekeeping right now, constantly comparing and complaining that my kids (who live here) have more stuff than her (they do, they live here, she doesn’t). So I feel like this could backfire. But I just want some nice family memories with my kids and not to have to deal with her crap.

For the most part we have done a pretty good job of the blended family thing but it’s never been this hard because she wasn’t such an asshole before.

I feel a bit unfair on OSD, who has been an angel lately as I would also have to exclude her, through no fault of her own. She has also had enough of her sister and tells her that she’s acting like a crazy person (cue more hysterics from YSD, sigh!)

fedupinwa's picture

If it were just you and your guy I wouldn't feel bad.  However, leaving the skids out and bringing only yours will bring resentment for the rest of your lives.  

LuluOnce's picture

Yes, but bringing SD on every vacation will create resentment as well -- for OP's kids and it seems for both OP and her husband as well. 

Why should SD's possible resentment, which looks like it's aready there, trump everyone else's resentment which may only exist if SD comes? 

 

lorlors's picture

I have learned my lesson to not feel guilty as the last time we took them away (to New Zealand of all places) SSthen17 told me to go f*ck myself. So I did by never taking that ungrateful ingrate anywhere ever again.

Don't feel guilty, you owe them nothing.

ndc's picture

Nope, I wouldn't feel bad at all. DH and I take about half our vacations with the skids and go alone for the others.  I don't have kids, so when skids don't go it's just DH and I.

FWIW, the skids go on as many vacations as we do, because they also vacation with BM and her husband (who go on even more trips without them than we do).

STaround's picture

I think that is fine.   I would not go on a vacation with any kids and leave mine home.  I would not want to be blowing through my vacation time, and spending money and sitting around with someone else's kids

Lollybobs's picture

No I wouldn't feel bad., particularly as they get additional holidays with BM

Lollybobs's picture

No I wouldn't feel bad, particularly as they get additional holidays with BM

hereiam's picture

Vacation without stepkids?

Yes, please.

You have every right to take a vacation without the step kids.

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

We take trips all the time without my SK. We leave the biokid at home with grandma occasionally, too! No guilt here whatsoever

shellpell's picture

I only went on one vacation with SS11 and he was an a-hole. Never again. Now we take trips with our two only and dh will take SS on the rare trip alone.

Harry's picture

For going on a vacation with out SK.  You should have adult time.  You should have fun on vacation.  SD just wants to ruined everyone’s good time to show control over the vacation.  Don’t take her. Have fun

ESMOD's picture

Adult only trips yes... but I would not schedule main 'family' trips without skids... but the odd weekend away that happens to not be their weekend...sure

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I wouldn't feel bad either way.

But, question. -(Are your kids shared with your current husband, or are they his stepkids?)-

                          ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

                          This would be a big indicator of whether or not your husband would also agree to it.

"Us" family time is important, I feel.

SittingPretty's picture

I have one from a past relationship and we have one together. I think he would be okay with leaving my stepkids behind based on expense alone. It’s been me that’s always pushed to include them.

 

Now I feel like it’s backfired and the idea of YSD acting like an asshole on every family vacation is pretty bleak. 

RisingtheWave80's picture

I never felt bad. SD makes any trip a horrible experience and creates a scene in the last 3 years she went on two trips with us and after last years antics I said NEVER again. We are not required to take her anywhere and I am not having my precious time off ruined by a little bitchy teenager

shamds's picture

People go on holidays with people who they want to be around with. Sd made it very clear she doesn’t like your daughter and bullies her, she makes it known she isn’t happy to do anything that isn’t centred on her so don’t feel bad

my skids barely have a relationship with their dad. Since they do not advise in advance of their schedules which they are capable of but just refuse to do, we plan our getaways. If ss will be home and we have planned a getaway, hubby will tell him tomorrow me and your stepmum and your 2 toddler half siblings have a weekend getaway to go to, so you will need to get uber transport back to university. Ss21 actually thought he could negotiate with hubby and demand hubby drive 1.5 hrs away from our hotel to home, to pick up ss, then another 1.5 hrs away to his university l, rhen another 40-50 mins to our hotel. Thats at least 3 hours and 40 mins minimum during a planned sex vacation. 

Hubby didn’t give in and it would have been a major turn off. Ss needed to learn that if he wasn’t gonna value other peoples times and be courteous, then neither should we be expected to drop everything for him. 

I was so proud of hubby that day. Even when ss did his usual manipulative tactics hubby never gave in. Hubby told him he could come with us when we checked in to the hotel for lunch and get uber from there or he could find his own uber transport from home, he picked option 1

we always do yearly trips to my country, no skids come or are ever invited. For starters they aren’t family, they remind hubby how me and my 2 kids with hubby are strangers so strangers don’t invite strangers for holidays. Its my time to destress and we don’t need negative arsehole energy around..

having any of our skids on holidays with us, especially sd’s actually puts my hubby’s penis in temporary retirement. They manage to find a way to intentionally sabotage the trip and just ruin any private time we could have.

irishtwins1617's picture

I am on the fence about this one... it seems like chances for vacations and trips to fun places and exotic locations bring out the worst in people- because, of course, who doesn't want to go on a vacation?? However, I feel there's a double standard in several situations- for example, my step children have gone on several trips with their bio mother and mother's family - from Disney World, to cruises, to weekend getaways, etc. etc.  Everyone thinks it's the greatest thing, and sure, that's great for them! 

Then, when I announce we'd like to go away for the weekend to the local waterpark...the first question I get asked by pretty much everyone is, "You're taking (insert step kids' names here) along, right?"

This irks me beyond belief.  And yes, for almost every trip, I DO include my step kids.  But I don't want to for every trip, for several reasons. 

I am still trying to save for the day I'll even be able to take my kids for their FIRST vacation. 

I know that my step children would be upset if we went on a vacation and didn't take them.  But I also know that they wouldn't give any of us a second thought if they got ready to go on a vacation with BM. 

I don't know, just ranting a little here.  There isn't a right or wrong or fair or unfair answer - do what's right for you - I do plan on taking a trip in the near future to Disney World with my side of the family, including my two young children.  We are not planning to take my step children, who do not have a relationship with my side of the family, anyway.  The nicest thing my step children have to say about my mother is "she's weird."  Why in the world would I subject my mother to their smirks and smart comments?? Because "they're just kids?"  I don't think so. 

However, I try to make up for this by taking them on a couple little getaways here and there, as a whole blended family.  I get that my children's father is also the father to them, and of course he wants to do things with everyone together.  That's why I plan little trips.  BUT I think a lot of times my feelings are just dismissed- sometimes I want to do things with the children I am a mother to- and not with the children I am NOT a mother to.  That is completely valid as well - and I try to find some sort of balance with it all.  (even though that's extremely hard, and sometimes feels impossible, to do)

 

So, if you booked a vacation next week with your partner and bio kids, you would have my support if you posted it on here!!  Go, have fun, don't feel guilty!  We all only live once, live it around the people that make us happy and feel loved. 

But, if you want my opinion, also maybe schedule a little weekend trip or day at an amusement park with everyone coming up, too- so that way everyone is included in some capacity at some point. 

MissTexas's picture

any of them.

Take a break and recharge. That's what a vacation IS!

You just told us what a nightmare this daughter is, and she's a "professional score keeper" and later you said you want to make some "nice family memories." These are not congruent statements. The best way to make her behavior worse is to appease her and let her be indulged and taken. She then learns, "I can be an ass on steroids and I'll still be included in all the fun, expense paid vacations." No ma'am. Keep your nasty self at home if you can't show some thread of respect, enjoyment or gratitude.

Please allow yourself this luxury.

SittingPretty's picture

Haha I like this! My brother was so horrible as a teenager that he got himself banned from family trips for a year.  He’d ruined a couple of vacations entirely and my parents had enough of him. He was old enough to stay at home by himself, and that’s what happened. 

Maxwell09's picture

Do you think the stepkids feel bad when you are left out of their vacations with their other parent? Nah. It's silly. Besides reality is that people can't always go on vacation together. They will learn it when they grown up and all their friends are heading to spring break or whatever and they can't make it because of finances/work schedule. 

Personally I would not feel bad for leaving my skid because I've voluntarily left my own bio to take my ss to Disney when he was too young to go. I won't feel bad when its my son's turn and SS stays behind. He goes on many vacations with his other family, he should be grateful, not spoiled with double. 

Sandybeaches's picture

It really depends on the situation and all are different BUT I would not feel bad at all!!!  We never took vacations and BM took the stepkids on vacations,that she could not afford every year .  We couldn't afford it as we were paying for everything . 

By the time DH and I went on a vacation, Step kids were in in their 20's so no we did not feel the need to take them.  BM did it so  and she still does .. 

LuluOnce's picture

Sorry, but I would have zero problem going on a vacation without my step kids IF they had made the last trip so miserable. And Dad should let SD know why too. "Sorry kiddo. We really wanted to take you on vacation, but you were so unhappy the last time we took you! We just didn't want you to be miserable and make everyone else miserable in the process. If you stay with mom, you'll will be more comfortable and won't have to worry about being bored, not liking the food, etc. so you can focus on having fun the way you likeo have fun." Bye Felicia!

My bio parents did this to my when I turned 13 and started acting like a terrible monster and making everyone else miserable. Sat me right down and said "we aren't taking you anywhere again after that stunt you pulled". Took my sister and left me at home with grandparents. I vaguely remember thinking my sister was the favorite at the time, but as an adult, looking back at my attitude and actions? I wouldn't take my 13 year old self to the grocery store! Let alone an expensive vacation. My parents were right.

 

Lollybobs's picture

'And Dad should let SD know why too'

Coudn't agree  more Lulu. If the bad behaviour is pointed out and consequences applied, the child will know that special snowflake behaviour isn't tolerated because it affects EVERYONE.