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I feel lonely. Wonder if it's in my head...

slkastep's picture

Tonight, my hubby after being out of town two nights comes home.  He hasn't seen me or his kids, or my daughter, for two days.  He sees his kids, teenagers, every other day.  They have split custody so he sees them half the time.  He said he missed me terribly and just wanted to spend time with me.  We decided to put the Christmas decorations and tree up because the kids wanted to and we didn't have alot of free time this weekend.  I felt like we barely connected the whole time.  He and my step kids spoke about all of their memories about each ornament they placed on the tree.  He barely spoke to me about anything.  This might be normal if we'd just gotten married this year, but we've been married almost three years now and the kids knew about it a year before it happened..  We were a couple long before and included both sides in our lives.  So, why after 4 years together, they still have to speak about only "their past time together"?  I don't get it.  It feels like they are purposely doing it at times.  They NEVER talk about anything from the last three years that includes us.  It's always them from before WE ever came along.  It breaks my heart.  My husband talks this big talk about wanting to be a "real family" with us, but I really don't believe it.  How could I?  Actions speak louder.  I acknowledge and realize, of course, that they have a past and a life and a bond that is beyond us.  I get it.  I have the same  with my daughter.  But, I do not flaunt it in their faces.  I try to cultivate an atmosphere of togetherness in the moment.  But, they just want to talk about the past.  A past that conveniently never includes my daughter and I.  

I am in love with this man, but have started to question his love for me.  I feel like I am just someone to occupy his time when his children are not around.  He says all the right things to me in private...,mostly, although I feel he has a negative attitude towards my daughter.  But, he seems to act like a completely different person when his kids are around.  It suddenly becomes a "club" that no one else is invited into.  Tonight I went outside in the cool air by myself.  I could smell a fire in the distance, and the smell of cologne.  It made me feel sad.  I miss romance.  I want that between my husband and myself.  To be involved with one another in every way.  To take part  in all of the little things that happen day to day and be a true partner.  This is how we used to be before we blended our family.  Lots of love, empathy, and tons of passions.  I don't underterstand why he can't put me first.  He did for the entire two years we dated before we married.  When he was with me, he was all about us.  That doesn't mean he won't be there for his children, but just show me that you want me, ya know.  Like in the beginning of our relationship.  Why does that fade?  I'd love a man's opinion on this.  I want love and friendship, laughter, companionship, partner ship, working together, and passion...lots of passion.  I work out, diet, take care of myself.  I don't get it.....


tog redux's picture

Well, I'm not a man - but have you had a conversation with him about this? That's the place to start.

You might also want to start reminiscing with your daughter about family times with your ex - not to be passive-aggressive, but just to give him a taste of what it feels like. See if he notices.  I wouldn't be bothered by a little bit of reminiscing, but if it goes on for a long period of time, it's not healthy for either the skids or your DH.

He sounds like the kind of guy who can't put his love relationship ahead of his kids - he did it to woo you into marriage, but now that you are married, he's back to worrying more about their feelings than yours. But at least give him a chance to right that by talking to him about it.

Felicity0224's picture

How old were your step kids when y'all started dating? I'm wondering if now that they're teenagers, does your husband think of them more as friends than kids? And so he doesn't feel like he "needs" that connection with you as much because it's been replaced by a more adult relationship with his kids? (Not in a gross way, just in the sense that he's treating them like they're his peers.) 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I get it. Maybe that's why these guys were on the market in the first place. Can't fully experience a loving, adult relationship. 

SteppedOut's picture

Don't waste yourself on a "half life". 

Maybe see if you can talk to your husband and see if he understands and if there is possible resolution to this... if not...decisions should be made by you on if you want to continue on. 

Do not waste yourself. You are worth more tham being happy part of the time and the orher part feeling like you don't matter. I am sure, rightfully so, that you question the authenticity of the "good times". Is it "act" or real?

ntm's picture

Why are they hanging ornaments from a past life on the tree? Pack them up and ship them to BM. Or save to give to them when they have their own tree. Get ornaments that reflect your new life together.