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Curious: How much of problem is DH/SO/DW and not actually SKs?

SituationalTourettes's picture

As StepKat posted earlier on a different topic, this is not a question meant as a judgement but more as a curious observation.

How many of you posters (male AND female) would say that your problems/issues/stresses stem just as much if not more so from your current relationship with your SO/DH/DW/BF/GF etc than really with the SKids?

Not that the SKs may not be a pain in the butt but it's more the dealing with your mate that causes the tension over the kids (step or bio.

The BM or BD may also suck but again, is it your having to deal with your mate's actions in relation to them and everything that's going on?

Food for thought.

(My own SO is pretty awesome but yes there are times he makes me want to shave off one of his eyebrows while he's sleeping because I'm ticked....)


Bio-Step-Mom's picture

Oh, my skids are probably 15% of the problem. SD is probably 15% of the problem...then another 80% to DH and his guilt ridden self and 5% to me for not putting the brakes on some of these things very early on.

I don't talk to DH's exes (ex girlfriend-2 kids, ex wife-1 kid). I don't have a problem with the mom of the two kids, until she starts treating our house as a donor place she can call and get money. Uhmm...NO. The ex wife is a little nutso and has refused to meet me but then she barely allows DH to talk to or see his son so...I barely know SS8.

SD13 is a mini wife in the making but again, that's mostly DHs fault. She annoys me but I don't dislike her.

thinkthrice's picture

May I ask what sort of meds your DH was put on? Guilty Daddy is stb 46 and has been an out of control VERY ANGRY alcoholic for the past 10 years; most notably ramped up over the past seven years since I foolishly sold my lovely home to be "closer to the skids" (TM) which backfired horribly into a complete PASout.

thinkthrice's picture

Bad parenting on either or both parents part is 100% of the problem. Of course the government authorities and "family" court are partly responsible as they are the proverbial Damocles Sword hanging over (usually) biodad's head.

Anon2009's picture

I agree with those who say the parents are the problem. Someone wrote something about how kids can't and don't parent themselves on another blog. How true.

It bothers me when people seem to look past that and just dump all their blame on minor kids. My sks behavior when they we're younger? It was horrible. But their parents allowed it.

Hislastwife's picture

Id say my DH was to blame 100 % for the disrespectful ways my SSs & BM treated me the first 2 yrs we were together!! He simply did Not place Healthy Boundaries & sadly I was used as the "scapegoat" for alot of things. Sadly the pain it caused me cant be erased. My DH was a typical Guilty Daddy and allowed things to spin out of control. It was the very real threat of me leaving him that brought about change (plus two therapists & a Minister).
We are still working on our Boundary Issues with BM. Shes your typical Golden Uterus type. Shes still our ongoing battle as shes a high conflict, NPD! Ugh.

Now... As far as my Skids Entitled behaviours- BOTH BM & DH are to blame. Id say these days its about a 75% BM & 25% DH. We live out of state and DH struggles on how he can now try to instill Values, Morals, Ethics & Empathy in his boys who are now 10, 12 & 15. Neither DH or BM worked with or taught these to the kids and it shows!!!

My skids & my DD9 are being Raised in totally different ways. Thats my new struggle these days. When we are all together its a bit hard. You see I wasnt nor am I now- afraid to Parent my DD9. Whereas my Skids? Nope!!! Both their parents wanted to be their "Friend"!!! Ugh.

omgsaveme's picture

Id say DH and SK are both equally to blame. He made excuses for her behavior saying it wasn't her fault it was his, before but she's an adult and should know better. She can barely wipe her own ass has one BD that she doesn't take care of and is pregnant with another by another guy and is going to repeat the process. She doesn't work, dropped out of school right before she was to "graduate" then switched to another school. Treats EVERYONE as her personal slave, BM was the same way, but was supposedly so independent and a hard worker, yet always had my MIL taking care of SD. It may be just me but I won't stop parenting my kids when they are adults, I can't tell them what to do but I can advise them.

SituationalTourettes's picture

These are very intriguing insights. Thank you so much for all sharing with me. I guess we all know candidates for Dumbass Parent of the year, huh Smile ?

I do definitely agree that once a kid reaches a certain age, they need to take responsibility for their own choices and behavior. Kids today don't live in a vacuum. They see how other people behave. I like to use "Would you act that way at your friend's house? Would you talk like that to your pastor? Your teacher? Your boss? Then why do it to me? I'm supposed to love you but guess what? I don't have to. I CHOOSE TO. "

furkidsforme's picture

100% DH. I don't "hate" his kids, I hate how he fails to parent his kids, and the behaviors and problems that result. I don't *hate* BM, I hate his fear of her and enmeshment with her that results in inappropriate boundaries (or complete lack thereof). I don't *hate* being a SM, I hate being alienated in my own home, and not being a member of what was supposed to be my family!

Shaman29's picture

Nearly ALL of the problems with the skid were a result of DH being a jackass and not dealing with the situation in a balanced manner.

It was and still is all about his kid and how he sees things.

I received the crumbs of the relationship. I got to go along for the ride.

Don't even get me started on my health issues.

zerostepdrama's picture

Girl skids act just like BM- lying, manipulative, thief, entitled, self-obsessed. I am sure some of that is their natural personality, some of it BM, some of it their ages (14, 18, 21) and some of it because of how DH is as a parent. I recognize it's not 100% their fault but I still don't like them. I dont hate them by any means or wish anything bad. I just dont like who they are.

I dont deal well with people like that. I chose to not associate with people like that. So I get very resentful that I am "forced" to have these people in my life. Even though I married DH, knowing how the skids are- yadda, yadda, yadda.

I am sure I could work on some things within myself to help deal with it better.

SS is okay. I enjoy being around him. Probably because he is a male. He lived with DH. He acts more like DH. But he does have some qualities about him that I dont really like but I tend to over look. I think mainly because he isn't a jerk to me like the girl skids are.

Anyways to answer the question... I do blame DH and BM for raising a bunch of jerks. For allowing them to make crappy choices. Both DH and BM came from the "wrong side of the tracks" so they don't really have high standards when it comes to life. DH's has def. improved but he is still slack about stuff because it's "normal" to him.

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

Well if the tree wasn't there in the first place the apple wouldn't have hit you in the noggin!

sixteensmom's picture

4 or 5 years ago I would have said 40% dh, 40% bm, 20% sd and neither stepson really mattered because we had no relationship that mattered to me.

now it's 60% sd - because she's an adult who refuses to grow up and be a civil human being, +30% bm and 5% each ss because they're adults too and even if I don't care about a relationship with them they should still acknowledge all their father has done for them.