depressed, but starting to understand why
Update from my "I want a baby melt down". I have been so depressed since then and for whatever reason I really do want a baby but I am making myself wait until I figure out the underlining reasons why I want one. I never wanted one before.
In talking to BF the past few days I think I am starting to see why and understand why what SS6 said hurt so bad. I am not the one that wants me to be the boys mother, BF is! When I bring up the baby he says we have the boys, when I talk about wanting to be a mom he said we have the boys. He has the boys, not me. He asks me what I think about doctor/school stuff, I give my 2 cents but really it's not up to me. He drags me to parent teacher conferences. I think he wishes that I were their mother but I am not and it's just hurtful to pretend to be any more.
And like many said on my post - if they were my kids they wouldn't act like they do. Why would I want to claim them now when they act so rude.
And I know he doesn't get it because last night he asked me why I was so sad lately I said because I see you with the boys and I want that. He was like you can cuddle them and stuff, I said no because then I feel like I am cuddling with BM. He said well I don't think of it like that. (because they are his kids!)
Him and BM were married at the time he made the choice to have kids with her - both pregnancies were planned. So now he has to deal with that choice. They have a mother all be it a stupid one. And he likes to talk about the issues the boys have and blame BM, but I keep telling him. You were there why didn't you do something then? Why don't you do something now? (he says it doesn't do any good to say stuff to BM)
We talked about it again last night and he is worried that if we have a baby then break up he won't get to see the kids any time he wants which is what kills him about his current kids. But I hate to tell him a wedding doesn't mean we r going to stay together. He has to make sure we stay together. I told him that our biggest issues is BM and I found out recently that their divorce DOES have an RO. BF says if she says anything again he is going to 'warn' her about it. I wouldn't warn her just freak'in call the cops and let them 'warn' her.
His 'I don't want to deal with her' attitude is starting to tick me off. I told him last night if he doesn't start dealing with her and we get married then I will deal with her and no one will be happy. (when it comes to her bad mouthing me any way) The kids stuff is their problem.
I am done playing mommy. I will help with the boys and be nice like a friend. But until I get a ring or a baby that is all they are getting.
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Comments
They aren't yours, it isn't
They aren't yours, it isn't the same.
A long time ago, when SO and I discussed the fact that I eventually want children he said " why do you want to have a baby when we have my kids, can't they just be good enough. You can treat them like yours"
The fact is, you can't and they aren't. Nothing wrong with that. They have a mom, why would any woman want to take over the role of mother IF the child already has a mom that is doing at least something for them.
exactly. It's not like
exactly. It's not like adoption when the BM is not around and you can fill that role, raising it the way you want.
Sadly I think BM is doing the same thing on her end - trying to force her man into a father role that is already filled. And like me I don't think he wants anything to do with that. He is nice to them but he doesn't got to parent things. Sadly BM can't have any more kids (but I could see them adopting) so I hope if he wants to be a father she will let him do it for real and not just play pretend.
I understand. It took a long
I understand. It took a long time for me to get to have my own baby. He too was "gunshy" that something would happen, we would split, and there would be another kid in the world that was taken from him. Hang in there, make your wants and desires known regularly. If you don't it will all build and build and you will completely blow up on him. The reference I used to make him understand how I felt, I have a younger sister that's the same age as his daughter, I told him to treat her absolutely like she is his and imagine not having the rest of his kids to look after. How would that make him feel to not get to actually parent. Tell him to imagine life without his two boys. And as wonderful as I'm sure he thinks they are, tell him to imagine having just one more. It's not fair for him to punish you because his last relationship didn't work and now his kids are stuck in the middle. Good luck.
this might actually work. A
this might actually work. A month ago my Sister and her kids were visiting for a week. They make his kids look like angles but I love my niece and nephews to pieces and I don't get to see them much. I spent the whole weekend with them hanging on me and BF hated it. He wanted to leave before he 'said something' to my sister about her kids. but it's exactly like his kids. It's not my place to say anything to BM and it wasn't his to say anything to my Sister. (which he did not thank god. I would have went off on him) And he has no control over them, but when I went to baby sit so they could go out for 'grown up time' i didn't have any issues with them. They were good as gold because they know me, i don't give in.
Yup, you just can't compare
Yup, you just can't compare the love you have for your stepchildren to the love you (will one day) have for your own children. As you said, it's not like adoption where the BM isn't around and you can fill that role completely.
I wrote an article once about the fine line between being a step parent and a parent. As step parents we have to be so careful not to cross certain lines or boundaries -- we don't get to take the kids to the doctor or go to teacher conferences or whatnot (of course every situation is different) -- yet we are held to this standard that we must love these children as our own and help to raise them. And then we start to love them/raise them AS WE WOULD OUR OWN and we get flamed for anything that is different than the way that the dad or BM want it done. Step parenting is all about walking that very fine line....
I realized a very good way to compare this level of "love" is if your boyfriend has a niece or nephew, a godchild or any child he is somewhat close to that is not his child. Yes you love your neices and nephews. But you don't have the same "connection" with them as you do your own children, right?
As step parents we have to be
As step parents we have to be so careful not to cross certain lines or boundaries -- we don't get to take the kids to the doctor or go to teacher conferences or whatnot (of course every situation is different) -- yet we are held to this standard that we must love these children as our own and help to raise them. And then we start to love them/raise them AS WE WOULD OUR OWN and we get flamed for anything that is different than the way that the dad or BM want it done. Step parenting is all about walking that very fine line....
--- I really love how you worded this.
This is really good. I think
This is really good. I think you explained it well. I am expected to be 'MOM' but not be a 'MOM'. lol. BM is always telling BF that he is too hard on the boys but when he told me that I laughed, I told him if he was too hard then I was Steel.
As for School stuff, BF wants me to go to something for SS4's Autism because they encourage parents to bring anyone who has regular contact with the child and may have insight. I said I would go only if he tells BM that he wants me to go and she is 'ok' with it. I also think they should invite BM's day care provider. But that is just me.
I will not go to anything with out BM consent. But that also mean if I can't go neither can her man. Fair is fair.