If he gets full custody, I'm leaving
When I first met my boyfriend, he got his 6-year old kid every other week (W after school to M morning). This was a big deal for me already because I had not previously dated a man with kids in the past. But I adapted and it was fine. The kid is great, I enjoy her, and I have been playing an active role in her life. Prior to becoming involved with him, I asked him what the arrangement and if he and BM were drama-free. He gave me the entire historical breakdown (he and mom were never together. there was drama early on, but for the past 5 years of the kid's life, ZERO issues and co-parenting perfectly). Me and boyfriend moved in together fairly quickly. All of a sudden, mom files for child support (which was crazy because dad legit paid for everything) and it upset dad. He filed for custody with the intention of getting custody increased to every other week (closer to 50%). It bothered me but I said okay and supported him. Then mom moves out of state (about an hour away) and dad decides he will now be seeking full custody. It is the early stages but it's looking like he might just get full custody. I DO NOT WANT THAT. I was okay with the custody arrangement before because I still had dad for a lot of the time and we still went out to bars, and weekend trips, and would talk about vacations, etc. I know that with full custody that changes entirely.
Am I wrong to want to leave because custody arrangments have changed?
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Welcome to the site!
Of course you aren't "wrong" to want to leave. Only you can know what you can deal with in terms of a child being around, and there is no right or wrong in this. Full time parenting is VERY different from part time, especially when it is with a child with whom you have less than 100% emotional investment. Bio parenting is an instinctive thing for a lot of us, but caring for a child you did not help create, is not the same.
1) idk that he'll get custody
1) idk that he'll get custody if the kid is already established in the other state. Most likely long distance visitation with BM paying most of the expenses.
2) BMs often snap once they realize that the dad of the kid has moved on with someone. Hence the hcild support
3) You're not wrong. But keep in mind. When being involved with someone with kids, there's ALWAYS a chance they end up with full custody of their kids. Part of being a parent. You never know when situations are going to change. So you just have to decide what you can take. I suggest either cutting the losses now and getting out, or deciding you can deal with the kid full time and fully committing. It'll be easier now than later. Things typically only get more enmeshed and complex the longer you're together.
He likely will - child not yet established
Fortunately, BM has not yet enrolled child in school and we have been in touch with the school system's legal team down there to advise of the situation. BM moved without permission and was explicitly told not to enrol child in school out-of-state. Therefore, mom's only real (legally appropriate) option is to commute child, which is what she said she intended to do. No court is going to agree with a 2.5 hour commute for a second grade kid. Enrolling her kid in school out-of-state also disrupts the current custody agreement they have in place. There is also evidence of neglect and illegal housing squatting by mom that has come to light since initiating the court battle. Dad's attorney was the one who said full custody is the more likely outcome, and I agree (also an attorney here). But I was willing to get thru mediation to see what happened in case mom decided to wisen up and move back in town -- she only moved to live with a man she has been in a 2 month relationship with. But now, I'm starting to doubt that will happen and I want the kid to live a better life, which will be with dad.
And yes, she likely did file for child support in response to learning I was moving in.
Thanks for the advice; it's much appreciated and what I needed.
Welp. With those details I'm
Welp. With those details I'm interested to see how it turns out :) You'll just have to decide what you want then. I admit raising someone else's kids fulltime can be EXHAUSTING, even when I'm not doing the work, it's hard to get quiet time. LMAO. But they're lives are 2 million% better being with us fulltime.
Vindictive. But not surprising at all... After learnign about me, Psycho stormed into DH's parent's house (I was on the phone with him) and asked "if the kids were ready" or if he was "too busy with his wh0re." (meanwhile she was living with druggie already, and hadn't seen the skids in ages, only made an appearance because she found out about me I'm pretty sure) B****es be crazy.
Just make sure you do what's best for you. I know I'm guilty of trying to do for everyone else and lettin gmyself fall by the wayside!
On the days we have the kid,
On the days we have the kid, I am completely exhausted. So I can't even begin to imagine full time.
I am trying to stay out of BM's way completely except helping out with legal side. I am not in a battle with BM and I will never stopp to that level. But if someone called me a wh0re for no reason, I cannot say I will maintain class ha!
Honestly you adjut (for the
Honestly you adjut (for the most part lol). Get a lot less exhausted as time goes on. And also learn that taking time for yourself is super important!
I avoid her like the plague, she just likes trying to pick fights... You learn to ignore. I figure the only reason she's just a b**** is because she's jealous that I"m not a druggie that still has to rely on mommy and won't ever have a real career. Jealousy (and psychoticness) really brings out the worst in people.
You should be very careful,
You should be very careful, not a lawyer here but I've had plenty of dealing with lawyers and the court system. Basically you are providing legal counsel and services (free) to your bf, and you are sleeping with him (I assume), and you are attempting to take a child from their mother to be in his care. It sounds like ethical lines and boundaries are being crossed. My understanding is that if someone is not your client you are not legally able to advise them. Paralegals are not even allowed to give advice to friends or family members.
I advise; I do not represent.
I advise; I do not represent. And I do not represent him, nor have I started an attorney-client rship with him, and he is aware of that. Even though if I did represent him it would not be unethical either. My advice is also limited to procedural stuff, as I do not practice family law. Fun fact: with respect to sleeping together, the ethical line is crossed if the sleeping comes AFTER the representation, not before. Either way, he has an attorney, I am not it. But I am fine to use my knowledge to help him.
BTW, I do not think paralegals are able to give advice to anyone on account of them not being attorneys.
Patience
I can see how this change in your situation may be hard for you to handle, however just be glad you got in when child is young. You have a chance to give her a stable future and whether its full or part-time, this is a package deal. If you can help raise this little with love and commitment,this may be the difference between her being an awful teen (who will affect your lives) and a normal teen who understands boundaries! I entered the picture when SD was 13 and it's been hell! Remember you have a village around you (family, friends, etc) to help. Establish time for adult only bonding and don't be afraid to ask someone to babysit. Parenting is a constantly evolving process. However, if you can't handle this...leave now! This little girl didn't ask for this situation, she is merely stuck in it!
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your advice. I had the talk with him and suffice it to say, it has been rough! We are both very confused and I do not want to take on something either of us will regret in the years to come. Little girl is an amazing and caring thing who asks for me every day. She is well-mannered, innocent, and always willing to help. I read with her every night we have her and have girl time. Perhaps the thought of it being so every single day is what is causing me pause.
No, you are not "wrong". It's
No, you are not "wrong". It's simply that this life is not for you.
However, there is always the possibility that a NCP can become the Custodial Parent and the child/children are there full-time. Custody could change, the skid could decide he/she wants to live with the NCP and the parents agree, the CP could pass away.
Please consider that if you decide to stay OR if you leave and become involved with another parent.
I had a couple of long-term
I had a couple of long-term relationships (3-4 years) with guys with children. I never considered marriage as I knew I didn’t want to live with skids.
Not every relationship is a forever one.
There's nothing wrong with
There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want and taking the steps to get that. If you don't want to be in a relationship with a man who has his child full time (or even 50%), you are doing both you and him a favor by leaving. There are enough men out there that you don't need to settle for one who has a family situation that isn't what you prefer. There's a huge difference between having a child 5 nights out of 14 and having that child 24/7.
Out of curiosity, would he be going for full custody if you weren't around to help?
He wants me to be a mother to his child
Thank you for the advice. I think the fact that I am an attorney definitely enhanced his confidence in the custody process. I help with a lot on the legal side. Also, I often pick the kid up from daycare, cook meals, clean, and spend QT with the kid. He often says he thinks I will be a great mother to his daughter, and I have to correct him and tell him she is not my daughter and will never be my daughter - she is his, despite how much I care for her. He has said that the role I have played has made him want this "family situation" even more. Bear in mind though that I have told him that I am hesistant about sticking around if he does get full custody. However, I do want him to get full custody if the kid is not being treated well by BM. ... it's all a very emotionally confusing situation.
He's banking on you to float
He's banking on you to float his legal and parenting situation. What happens when you get fed up and back out? Will he be super dad then when you aren't there to prop him up? If you're really a lawyer and have anything to do with famiy law, then you know how hard these second family situations are, how high the divorce rate is and why. Do you really love this guy or are you just trying to rescue him?
I don't know what the
I don't know what the situation with him and the kid was like before I stepped in. I know the role I have taken on and I know he is a good dad. I don't want to glorify myself and say that he wouldn't get it done without me, but obviously my presence has taken a lot off his plate and has enhaced his day to day living. For example, his kid no longer has to wait at daycare until 7 because I can pick her up at 5 (I have a lot of work but I can work from home or on weekends). Or when he has something to do, he doesn't have to drop her at a neighbor's house. Before me, she would stay with friends fairly often. And even though I am helping with his legal situation, he has retained his own attorney (I do NOT practice family law), and has told her he does not want to overburden me with his legal issues. Obviously because we're in a rship, he ends up overburdening me anyway. Even though I do not do family law, my firm has a strong family law department, and I am still knowledgable on what next steps should be and procedural tools he can use in his favor. I do think he over-relies on me for legal advice though and I have told him that he needs to put more time and energy into his affairs than I do, or I will get fed up and leave.
I do have a habit of saving people. And you are probably right. But even saying that, I had no problem putting my energy into rescuing him before. I've lost the willingness to do so now that full custody is on the horizon.
You’re not wrong
only you know what you are equipped to deal with. If “full custody” is your deal breaker then it is what it is.
he and mom were never
Immaculate conception? How did they ever make a baby if they were never together?
I have a really hard time believing your bf's story. I'm positive he left a few details out.
As ndc wrote: "would he be going for full custody if you weren't around to help?" How does he plan on taking care of this kid full time...new live in girlfriend?
Be very clear about what you can and cannot take on. Your bf is enbarking on an expensive legal journey and if he wins he'll have a lot more responsiblity. How does he plan on juggling kid and work? Are you going to do school drop off and pickups? It sounds like a trap to me. Watch out!
He and her were never in a
He and her were never in a relationship to be clear. They knew each other for about 2 months before she became pregnant. When she decided to keep the baby, they tried a relationship but that was short-lived and ended before the second trimester. Dad got a whole new girlfriend during the rest of the pregnancy and years into the child's life. The drama started when dad got a new girlfriend and lasted a good two years. But other than the occassional "where are the shoes I sent the kid to you in?" texts here and there, there has been no real drama. Dad has been the one to deal witht he child's education, medical care, daycare arrangements, so it's all been relatively easy. One thing about the bf is he overshares and overburdens with his life's drama so I am sure he is not downplaying any situation. I also am intiemately familiar witht he details of his history with BM becauseof my involvement in the legal process.
But yes, I do think he intended to rely on me for the full-time care of his child... which is why I had to tell him f/t custody was not what I agreed to when I decided to be in this rship.
And yes, this is costing him way too much money and in turn it's beginning to cause me stress and resentment.
So you told him you do not
So you told him you do not want to be his "new mommy" AND that you will leave the relationship if he does get full custody? But he just wants you to be new mommy?
So, does he not listen to you often, or is it just this issue? (Which is a huge issue and he clearly isn't grasping that?)
He has said that he knows him
He has said that he knows him having a kid is an issue for me. But he also said he thinks that I love him more because I see what a good father he is. He's not wrong. I think he hoped I would grow into the situation and love the kid as much as he loves her. I feel bad saying it but ... I don't. I also told him I imagine a situation where he and I start a family together, and I will most certainly and pretty obviously love my child in a way I will never love his. I told him all this for him to consider. I also heavily focus on working towards getting him full custody more than what it would mean for me and him..... because I want what is best for his child.
And you should try to help to
And you should try to help to do what is best for the child, from a legal standpoint since you are working on the matter. Even though it clearly isn't the best thing for you and the relationship.
I can guarantee you would feel waaaaay different about your own child. And, once you have your own, your feelings for his child may change (in a negative way). He likely would be annoyed that you love your child differently (more). It is common.
I am glad you have the foresight to see all of these issues in advance rather than being blindsighted by massive issues 5 years down the line when you are married, have a child of your own and are MISERABLE.
I hope what is best for the child happens, but also want the best for you and your future children.
There nothing wrong with not wanting
To be a full time parent. Moving on may be yout only choice. No body can tell you how to live your life. You only live once! Just keep in mind that dealing with a SO with kids. Being a full time parent is just one accident away. One hot BFF away.
Sounds like he grossly
Sounds like he grossly misjudged your level of commitment to his child in this whole relationship. It's good that you have let him know that his child can be a deal breaker in all of this.
Have you considered looking for a different place to live or maybe pulling back on helping with the kid to let him see what it's going to be like if he has to do this all on his own?
Yes, i told him that while I
Yes, i told him that while I will still support him through the custody battle, I will be looking for a new place to live. He keeps telling me he is a package deal, but I keep telling him the package is not the same package it was when we first got together.
Good idea about pulling back in my role with the kid.... I just find it difficult knowing she's the last one at daycare because he's stuck at work. And I'm not going to take her home and not feed her. Or let a birthday pass and not get her a cake. To be fair to him, he probably misjudges how much of a burden all this is to me because I always offer to care for her. But I only offer because she really is just an innocent kid, and I don't have it in me knowing I am in a position to help but not helping.
I grew up without a father so I am all about that having a great rship. BM sounds like a bird so I understand why full custody to dad would be better for her. It just sucks I can't bring myself to want this.
If you don't want it, you don
If you don't want it, you don't want it. Simple as that. If you decide to move forward, you will not only end up resenting the kid, but you will end up resenting him also. You will be unhappy. Get out now. There are lots of men out there who don't want you to be mommy when you are clearly not wanting to be.
"It just sucks I can't bring
"It just sucks I can't bring myself to want this."
Seriously, LISTEN TO THAT feeling. For the love of everything, don't try to "force it". You will end up bitter and resentful.
PLEASE keep listening to that.
Actually.. he is still the
Actually.. he is still the same package. A man with a child. That has not changed.. what has changed is that his obligation to this child may turn more hands on..
I think you are smart to consider whether you want to be with a man with children. Honestly.. even with the custody to begin with.. that can change at any time. You have to be prepared for anything.. and your man comes with these possibilities. Even if he doesn't "win" this round. His EX could die.. become incapacitated and unable to care for the child.. incarcerated..etc. He could well end up her sole living parent. So.. there is ALWAYS a risk that a bio parent will end up with full custody.
If you can't stomach that? You are wise to bow out. I would bow out now though.. let him figure it all out on his own.. why invest more of anyone's time on this relationship?
here’s a little bit about my
here’s a little bit about my story.
My husband ended up with full-time legal custody within two years of us being married. Within one year of us being married, the mom had the daughter live with us full-time so she could party more but still remained 50-50 legal and physical custody. That way she could get child-support even though we had her most of the time.
My husband kept pushing me to mother his child since I was a mom of two children. I kept telling him no and he kept pushing her on me regardless.
The mom became jealous of the relationship I was having with her daughter so one night she physically attacked me.
That was it for me. I told my husband me and my son are moving far away back to where I came from. He’s welcome to join me or not.
The mom ended up letting him take the daughter out of state while she still maintained 50/50 custody.
Then she proceeded to land herself in and out of jail over three times. The dad went for full custody legally and got it within a 10 minute court hearing.
The daughter ended up living with us full-time for nine years until she just moved out a year ago to do senior year with her mom. The mom got her act together enough to get her for one year.
The entire time, and I do mean the entire time, through phone calls and letters, the mom did everything in her power to make sure the daughter hated me and disliked her dad. I did the lion share of raising this child. She no longer speaks to us now that she’s back with her mom. She’s 18. She can do as she wishes.
All I can tell you is it was the worst nine years of my 49 years on this planet.
Had my husband and I not been in in the relationship over 20 years ago before reuniting, I don’t think we would’ve survived this. Doesn’t matter how horrible a biological mom treats her daughter, a daughter will always gravitate back to her mother. If you do this, be prepared for more drama than you ever imagined possible.
I do wish you luck and I do hope your outcome is better than mine was.
oh wow. nine years? I'm good
oh wow. nine years? I'm good on that thank you very much - especially since I don't have any children of my own yet. Nine years of BS is a testament to your strength and patience, because lord knows, this little 3-month battle has been almost enough for me and BM isn't even directly affecting us like that. She doesn't bother him and she doesn't bother me and she hasn't started poisoning kid against me .... YET. I'm sure once she finds out I've been helping him out with this litigation process as much as I have though, that will quickly change. Luckily, kid likes me a lot, and has asked to call me "mom," which also almost sent me running straight and far into the hills.
I'm sure you said "no" to her
I'm sure you said "no" to her calling you mom. She HAS a mom.. whether her mom is a POS or an Angel in heaven.. she still is her bio mother.. and nothing will ratchet up the "crazy" in a bio mom than learning that their child is calling someone else mommy.
It doesn't matter if you are a better/nicer person.. it doesn't matter if she is on death row.. she is mommy.. not you.. it's unfair really to everyone involved for you to take on that title... including the girl.. if/when your relationship with her father ends.
There are a very small subset of women raising their SO's children that may be able to get away with this.. I don't think you would fall in this category.. so very few do. Mother basicaly has to be 100% mia and out of the child's life for their entire memory for this to be anywhere near a possibility.
I absolutely told her no and
I absolutely told her no and said she has a mom already. Dad says kid wanting to call me "mom" just shows how much kid is seeking attention and motherly affection. But that's too much pressure on me and I know I would have a problem with that if I were in BM's situation. It is not my intention to take BM's place in kid's life, no matter what kind of mother everyone is painting her as. I do not have a problem with her. I disapprove of some things she does with respect to her kid, but I disapprove of things dad does too. Either way, she's not my child and I do not want to be her mom.
She was nine years old when
She was nine years old when I came into the picture. So you’re going to be in it longer than me if you stick this out. And that’s what got the mom to physically attack me, when her child accidentally called me mom when she was in fifth grade. The more the daughter likes you, the more the mom is going to go ballistic. I can almost guarantee you this 100%.
That "mom" thing is never
That "mom" thing is never going to happen. When kid said it, dad was there and said NOTHING. I told him he should have nipped that in the bud, but he said he didn't know what to say. I have a feeling he wouldn't have minded. It's all just too much. TBH, even not having a child of my own: if my child called another woman "mom," I would go ballistic too!!
what was crazy she
what was crazy she accidentally called me mom to her mom. She never once accidentally called me mom to my face. As a mom, I would never go ballistic if my child did this with my ex-husband‘s girlfriend. It’s a confusing time for young kids.
Even without the word “mom “, if the BM is a little bit of a nut job, she’s going to go crazy if the kid likes you and calls you by your first name unfortunately.
WTF you and I have a very
WTF you and I have a very similar story, except in our case the mother never cleaned her act up.
Sorry your story is similar
Sorry your story is similar to mine. It has not been a fun one to live through. I’m now finding myself needing to “clear “my thoughts and process everything that happened. It was such an unhealthy dynamic. So grateful it’s over.
Even told my husband four years ago if he doesn’t become way more engaged with his daughter and stop relying on me to “mother” her, he’s going to lose her to her mom when she becomes 18. Everything I said came true.
You sound sane!
It sounds like you're clear about who you are and what you want (yay!). It also sounds like up until this point you've been able to have a relatively normal relationship (dates, adult fun, etc) because of the custody arrangement and all that will change if this goes through. I suspect you will end up feeling dissatisfied with what will be left once he has full custody because the focus of the relationship will be more domesticated and less fun. You shouldn't short-change yourself when you have no baggage of your own. I would also be wary of him pursuing this when you've been so vocal about what you will or won't go along with... But I think a lot of guys think women are so desperate to have someone that they'll cave and settle rather than stick to their guns. Hopefully you'll stick to yours and not settle. I went through something similar with my ex-BF, broke it off when he couldn't deliver on what I told him I wanted, and have absolutely no regrets. This site is a great place to come when you're wavering because it drives home the realities of what you'll deal with the rest of your life if you take on the SM role.
Funny thing is I'm almost
Funny thing is I'm almost certain if I presented him with an ultimatum, he would choose me. But I have consistently told him throughout this whole ordeal: I want whatever is best for your daughter, she should abolsutely come first especially if BM really is a POS. He is aware I will walk away from the relationship for any reason I decide no problem. But I suspect he's figured out that I actually love his daughter and he hopes that it is enough for me to stick around. Yes, I love his daughter, but I'm still not a fan of full custody point blank period.
This site is already so good for me. I went from wavering to straight disliking myself for wanting to walk out on them because he gets her full time. This site has managed to convince me I'm not actually a bad person, and I am SO grateful!
Your BF would undoubtedly end
Your BF would undoubtedly end up resenting that you came between him and his child.. if at any point in the future you want to have a decent relationship.. then the fact you encouraged her father to not fight for her? It will be held against you.
No one is a bad person for not wanting to put up with the extra stress of dating someone with children. It is a lot to take in/on. They are actual human beings.. a physical link to a prior relationship.. there is so much bad juju that can go along with all of it. It only seems to get more complicated when people move on to have a "ours" baby too. The family can be even more fractured. It's a very tough row. and no shame in saying.. "yep.. not for me".
Agreed. And I told him that
Agreed. And I told him that too. Especially with me not growing up with a father, I do not want that little girl growing up and hating me for taking her daddy away. I made sure I sat with him and asked him everything it was that he wanted to come out of this custody situation over and over for weeks so it was absolutely clear. THEN I told him I wasn't for it. I didn't want him to suddenly "change his mind" and stop seeking full custody. Even now, if he suddenly "changed his mind," I would not condone it because I do not want him to choose me. I want him to choose his daughter. As jealous as it makes me, and disappointed and hurt, I always want him to choose her. And if he doesn't, best believe I will.
That makes it tough. Can’t be
That makes it tough. Can’t be easy to walk away from a guy who would be willing to put you first if you’re also crazy about him, but there are just certain realities to dating a man with baggage that you can’t escape.
And You're So Good For This Site!
It's a breath of fresh air to have a poster with your pov.
Just one thing I'd like you to consider: What is helping, and what is interfering?
I am guilty of overfunctioning for my H for many years. I thought I was helping by facilitating and pitching in with his kids. What I was actually doing was interfering with them figuring out their own way of being family to each other, and ultimately accomplished nothing.
If your bf wants full custody, then he needs to deal with ALL of it. If what that looks like is his daughter being in daycare until seven, helping would be supporting him in finding a solution, i.e. rearranging his schedule or hiring a nanny to do school pick up and at-home care. Interfering is inserting yourself and picking up HIS slack. It's clear that you have a big heart along with a sharp intellect, and I get that it's difficult to know just where to draw the line, but it sounds as if the line has continued to move until you're doing more and more of HIS job. You should not be the one juggling work responsibilities. Who's looking out for your best interests while you're looking out for his daughter's?
It's their journey, this man and his daughter. They need to figure it out
this is the advice I wish I
this is the advice I wish I was told nine years ago. This is absolutely brilliant. I wish somebody told me this and I had followed it.
Instead I had everybody, literally everybody pushing me to be a primary caretaker of my SD for all those years. It was unbelievable. All because I was a woman they all thought it’s what I should do. Boy I wish someone had truly been out there to say something like this to me. Plus I wish I knew of this site nine years ago.
This is probably what I
This is probably what I should have started on. I find it so hard to let him "figure it out" when I see him failing/struggling though. He wants me to help and he is so grateful when I do. He has also said that when we get married, she will become my daughter (I corrected this as it was said). I feel resentment brewing already. But I guess it only becomes so if I allow it. And if my actions say "mom," I cannot complain when I am treated like "mom."
Thank you for your advice. He ans I are still figuring it out.
If you are unsure about this
If you are unsure about this situation and what the changes may bring, I would seriously consider that separate living space. Living in apartments most of my adult life, I use to say, "I can commit to just about anything for a year." If you two are considering a lifetime together, a year of you having a separate residence to call home base will be worth it. It would give SO time to focus on his custody battle and preparing a full-time home for SD. If SD does come on board full-time, it will give them time to get their bearings and a routine going where feels the full weight of raising her. Any help you or others offer is a lovely bonus and should be appreciated, not expected. Most importantly for you, have your feet planted firmly in your own space will help you maintain a clear view of how things are unfolding around you so you can make decisions that are best for YOU.
It sounds like he may be idealizing this whole "2nd chance family" scenario and you are the realist in the room. It could be an amazing life ahead and you could grow to genuinely love this child. Only time will tell. But don't ever stop listening to that little voice inside. You are not a bad person if you aren't feeling it. You aren't a bad person for wanting to live out your best life. You are not a bad person for wanting to be happy and put yourself first.
Only you can decide what to do, but knowing now all the things I didn't know at the start of my stepparent journey...I would kindly walk away from this type of instability. I wish you the best and glad you're here! <3
Take this as a warning that
Take this as a warning that this isn't the relationship for you. That's not saying you're a bad person but this is the mans child and she's young at that. Of course he's going to want primary custody with BM moving away. He will lose time with his child and it's only right for him to fight for the kid. This kid NEEDS her father more than you need a bar buddy. You can either accept this or fight it. What do you plan to do if BM dies tomorrow and your guy HAS to have his kid 100% of the time? This is what being with a parent is like.
Totally normal
Yeahhhh....I'm STILL trying to figure out if having SD full time would be a deal breaker for me. Like you, I help out on the weeks she's here, but I live for the weeks she's not. Frankly, I didn't get into this relationship to be a mom, I'm in it DESPITE that, so if it were full time...man, I can't even imagine... My partner says the same things - how we're the more stable family, I'm the better mother, how he wishes we could just be a FT family. That's cool and all, but those aren't the things that are gonna convince me to stay...I'd rather hear "the relationship will always be the priority, we will be consistent in parenting our biokids and steps..." lol
At the same time, I didn't think I'd ever be a stepmother, but I'm getting more used to it and learning how to adapt so it still works for me...so maybe I'd get used/adapt to having SD full time too... ::shudder:: lol
"I help out on the weeks she
"I help out on the weeks she's here, but I live for the weeks she's not." --- THIS is how I currently feel. I don't mind doing it when he's got her, but I look forward to the time I have with him when she's away. I'm sure you and I could adjust, but I do not want to resent the man. And I am afraid it will be 10 years down the line with kids of my own wishing I never got into this mess but it being too late.
I just hate feeling the way I do. Because both he and his kid are very very sweet.
Don't let it happen!
I'm learning we have more control than we think. Don't settle for less than ideal situations. Yes, we have to make compromises bc the kid isn't going anywhere, but make sure you are still doing things that make you happy, and don't over commit to stepkid duties if that's not your jam. And if your bf truly cares about you, HE will adapt to that. If he can't, THAT is the true deal breaker IMO...
Don't feel too guilty about your feelings. The fact that you're even worried about feeling conflicted shows you care.
I just hate feeling the way I
I just hate feeling the way I do. Because both he and his kid are very very sweet.
There are lots of sweet kids out there, but it doesn't sound like you would be happy with this life. Life is too short to compromise on something about which you feel so strongly. Don't waste the years.
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Wanted to keep the reply threaded...re-posted above