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Social Media and the Skids

Shieldmaiden's picture

Hi Everyone,

   I have been with DH for 11 years. He has 3 SD's, 2 of which live with us every other weekend. They are 16 and 18. About 5 years ago, things were pretty tough financially. He paid $1800 a month in CS to his ex, who still sent the kids over in too-small shoes and holey clothing that was too small. They had very nice clothes at their mom's house, but she didn't want them to accidentally leave anything at DH's house as "he didn't pay for it." Yup. That's what we were dealing with, along with lots of alienation by BM and her family. I was very involved in the kids lives, and I had a Facebook page that I used to keep up with my family and friends who had moved away to other states. The girls had requested to be added to my FB page, and I hesitantly acquiesced. I wasn't sure why I felt uncomfortable. 

The oldest child was 2 years older than the middle child. I tihnk she was 15 at the time. She was not accepting of me and very sullen and angry. She would parrot what her mom's family said about us, and try to turn her sisters against us. I had expressed some frustration on FB - trying to keep it light, but saying that I was disappointed that we couldn't go on a day trip with the kids because their softball schedule was so demanding. I always felt it was a bit much for such young kids who have homework, to demand they practice every weekend and most weekdays. Well, oldest SD took this as an opening to bash me in the comments and have her little sisters do the same, saying I should not be saying such things, etc and its none of my business.(Their mom was a softball star in school, so enrolled every one of the kids whether they wanted to or not, letting the coach badger them with texts until 11:30 at night, guilting them if they didn't give their all at practice. ) I thought this was really inappropriate. 

So, I was pretty upset, and embarrassed that my family and friends witnessed how they treated me. I told their Dad, who didn't want to get involved, and I unfriended them on FB. I explained to them in person, that while I had not meant to offend them, that their behavior was out of line, and it hurt my feelings. I was unfriending them because I needed my support system of friends and family (my parents, sister, etc), and being a stepmom wasn't always easy, but I wasn't going anywhere, and I loved them. I told them it was best that they just say whatever they needed to say to me in person. I also made a point to tell them that I don't think they would have said any of that in person to me, so that was an indicator of how things said online should be considered carefully before typed. 

To this day, I don't regret kicking them off my FB, and I don't regret telling DH I was unfriending him due to his rude comments. (I was still civil with my ex boyfriend, who had recently gotten his college degree after years of struggling finanancially - so I had congratulated him.) My DH later apologized and admitted he was jealous, and I told him I would honor my committment to him by unfriending my ex (we didn't really speak much at all, and he had a new serous girlfriend, so it was probably awkward for him, too. ) I made it clear that that he had no right to speak to any of my friends that way, and this is why he was excuded from my account.  He understood.

So, have any of you had any awkward social media experiences with letting skids on your account?  What did you do to remedy the situation?  Just curious if this is a common thing?

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

I think it is a pretty big red flag that you don't share your social media with your husband, TBH.

Kicking the skids off- shoot, I think that SHOULD be done in most instances, but not your spouse. 

Shieldmaiden's picture

Yup. I know. He suffers from Bipolar and has issues with trust, as he readily admits. He can be fine for several months, and then might obsess over a small comment I made or someone else on my page made, so when we talked about it, we both agreed to keep our facebooks separate. We trust eachother so this is not a problem. He also tends to be a dominant personality, and we spend a lot of time together - so I've explained that I need a social outlet that is mine alone. I grew up with a very dominating parent (mom) so I don't take kindly to anyone who imposes too much on my independence, because I fought so hard to get it. I understand how it looks from the outside, but pardon my bluntness - you are not married to him, I am.

We also keep a lot of finances separate at his request ( I have access to his, but a lot of things are in my name only) because he knows if he relapses - he could spend a lot of money before I catch on. He doesn't want his illness to impact me.  So there is transparency there, because he understands his limitations, and I have earned his trust. To me, if a person that I love has a mental illness, and they are accepting of it and mostly successful in trying to manage it - then I am supportive of that. AT the same time, I set my boundaries and I defend them fiercely, because if I don't - I could end up in an emotionally damaging relationship. I appreciate your opinion, but I hope this explains a bit more why we do what we do. Yes, it is ALWAYS hard work. LOL.

advice.only2's picture

When Fakebook first came out I did have Spawn as a friend, but I limited her access to me and DH's pages since I knew Meth Mouth would be trolling her stuff.  When Spawn was whining to friends on Fakebook about my daughter taking dance classes and her being denied (lie) and her unblocking Meth Mouth and adding her as a friend (we had Meth Mouth blocked on her page) is when I unfriended her, shut down my page and created a new one and blocked her.

I did briefly block and unfriend DH at one point when he went on social media and blasted me about his Spawn.  This was when we were at our worst and I had disengaged from Spawn and he was lashing out.  After that incident DH shut down that page, apologized profusely and hasn’t used that platform since.

 

Cover1W's picture

I unfriended OSD from my accounts as soon as she stormed off out of our home and it was clear she wasn't coming back AND using some information against us and DH. 

I also unfriended my mother who was completely inappropriately bashing my friends posts, it was hilarious because they answered her like, "your daughter is amazing, why are you treating her like this." Then boom, you've blocked mom. My dad told me "You have to add your mom back on." Um, no, I don't.

advice.only2's picture

Oh god my mom too she always posts sh@tty comments any time I would post.  That led to me leaving the platform and only using one she doesn't like. 

Shieldmaiden's picture

Oh gosh. Yes! Back when I was still speaking to my mom, she could troll me so hard with only one sentence. She knew exactly what she was doing, and it was cruel. I cut off all contact with her years ago, and I am much saner for it.

CLove's picture

This is a great topic.

Sd22 Feral Forger - Last year we were following each other on instagram. She complained to her BM Toxic Troll that "daddy doesnt even buy me a birthday present, but look where he took Clove!" Prompting toxic texts from Toxic Troll, whereby he had to shut that down with "Im not going to say no when my wife wants to take me out to an expensive restaurant."

Took off my insta

SD115.5 Backtabber/Munchkin - Last year was school-gate, so off my insta and FB.

ESMOD's picture

I'm sorry you don't have a better relationship with your SD's.  Teen Girls can be especially difficult.  

I will have to say that I actually don't blame them for their response to your post.. as "light hearted" as you say it was.. clearly you were complaining about them on a public platform.  I mean.. I totally GET the frustration of having your schedule limited by the SKID activities.. but facebook was not the place to put voice to them.. that would have been a direct discussion with your SO.. ONLY.. it wasn't something that needed to be on social media... 

But, I guess I'm one of those people that doesn't post much if anything on social media.. and while I get that it ends up being a sanitized version of things for most people.. I also am shocked sometimes by the things people think is "ok" to post.. conflicts with friends or family.. I mean.. really makes you wonder.

Yours probably wasn't as bad as some things I have seen..but I can see them having a negative reaction.. and they didn't respond maturely.. because.. well they are kids.

floralsm's picture

Totally agree! I don't believe posting your dirty laundry online. To me its accepting the drama and repercussions from it. Everyone is entitled to speak what they want to on their social media, but you will have to accept other people have that right too. Not my cup of tea as I don't post hardly anything on social media. 

Shieldmaiden's picture

It wasn't about my schedule, it was about them complaining of being exhausted, and not having time to do their homework. Their male coach text-bullying them at midnight was also downright creepy. Yes, if you don't use social media at all, then you probably don't understand someone who chooses to use it for family contact, rather than selfies and boobie shots and pictures of their dinner. I am guessing you gave it up because you couldn't find a balance in what you said or what others said about you. I think I do a pretty good job of thinking before I type. I also shared a lot of proud moments that I had of the girls and bragged on them quite a bit. I love them, but i am a human being, and I have days where i need my sister or best friends opinion. You are right. I probably shouldn't have added the kids, but I was trying to bond with them, and I made a mistake. When I realized that mistake, I took responsibility and corrected it. I also tried to use it as a teaching moment, because they are kids. Its easy to criticize people online - but honestly I don't think you would last a week in my life. You might want to think on that before you judge. 

DPW's picture

It was not your place to complain on social media. Not even close. You scolded them for something you did and then are judging them and asking for opinions all the while saying you made a mistake. They are the kids here, not you. They responded publicly to your public post. You should have known better in the first place being the adult and thinking a step ahead of potential consequences of such a post when they are your friends and would see it. I disagree that you think about your posts. 

If you are wondering about the harshness of my tone, it's because I find you quite antagonistic and I suspect that soft and fluffy would not get through to you. I could be wrong. 

Shieldmaiden's picture

Sorry, but I disagree. I am only "soft and fluffy" to those who are respectful to me, who love me, and who stand by me as I have stood by them. My place? I don't take orders from others on what is my place. My home, my husband, my stepkids - that is my place. I am sorry you feel as if you don't have a voice in your life. Maybe you should be more...."antagonistic" because sometimes people don't listen to you when you ask permission from them to have a place in your own life.

stepmomnorth's picture

I'm not a fan of social media at all but the thought alone of having my step kids on my social media makes me want to break out in hives. Just something that I personally wouldn't do. 

Shieldmaiden's picture

Oh my, I had a good laugh with you on the "hives" comment. I know that feeling oh so well. I was so much more optimistic and naive when I met my guy. Now, I am much wiser and saltier.LOL.

LittleCloud9's picture

I think that describes most of us. We started off stary-eyed well intentioned and hoping to be a big happy family then we learned this life is a chess game where every move counts and the kids are usually playing for the other team- 

CajunMom's picture

In the early years I tried. Then I had to deal with DHs oldest daughter MAKING HIM a Facebook page with pics of BM and him, nothing of me. Mind you, she was in her mid 20's. DH had her delete it and because of all the trouble, he refuses to do any social media. I had them on my page but had to deal with what you did...them going crazy because we were camping near them and they weren't invited. Lord, the shit show on Facebook. They were then deleted and blocked and it's been  that way for years.

For what it's worth, I've deleted family members before. My page. My choice. LOL

Shieldmaiden's picture

Good for you. So many people are afraid to offend family, so they put up with so much garbage. Facebook is a privelege that I only give to real life people who support me in my life and are non-toxic. My life is not a democracy, thank you very much. If I want their opinion I will ask for it.If I ask for it, I will consider it. My friends and family know this and they love me for it. That's how it should be. Love and support, not undermining and whining. 

Felicity0224's picture

My SDs followed me and I followed them on Instagram up until 2019-2020. Two big catalysts to me removing them:

1. On Christmas day (they were with BM) they saw a video I posted with a gift that my IN-LAWS had given DD, and they absolutely lost their shit with jealousy. DD was 6 and they were 13 and 15 at the time. The gift was age appropriate - not anything that they actually wanted. They were just upset because they allegedly wanted the same gift when they were younger and never got it. So they called DH repeatedly throughout Christmas Day crying and screaming about it, and BM got involved too. I was tempted to remove them from IG then, but decided to give them another chance after we talked it out and they apologized.

2. The following Summer, my best friend and I took our three kids (all six years old at the time) on vacation. SDs saw a video I posted from a boat (literally a little charter boat for snorkeling), and before you know it they (SDs and BM) were blowing up DH about how unfair it was that I took DD on a "yacht" and also they thought she had too many swimsuits compared to how many they had. The kicker was that they were also on a vacation at the time, with an aunt who spoils them rotten, and I'd venmo'd them spending money the day prior just to be nice.

After the second incident, I didn't waste any time blocking them, and they've been blocked ever since. It honestly would have saved everyone a lot of heartache if I'd never had them on my social media at all. They were simply too jealous of DD and once BM got involved there was no hope of them just behaving normally.

We've since more or less repaired our relationships, but I think this is a boundary I'll maintain forever.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Exactly! This is what I foresaw in my future when the kids went off on me. That's when I knew it was a bad idea and they weren't mature enough to handle it. I never should have added them, but how do you explain this to a sweet kid who just wants to be closer to you? Arrrgh. BM was heavily influencing them back then. Since then, they have actually gone off on her for some of her bad decisions, because they are mature enough to see it now. Back then, whatever BM said was gospel.

Dogmom1321's picture

BM has always been toxic. A couple of years ago she wished "congrats" to DH and myself when she found out we were pregnant. We were both surprised because of all the hate and drama she had towards us. She added me on FB and I guess I was naive thinking her "congrats" was genuiune. 

I had posted an ultrasound pic, with a pregnacy update. She proceeds in the public comments that SHE has a ultrasound pic of SD when she was with DH of SD sucking her thumb. And how cute it was. I was second hand embarrased for her. It looked desperate and like anyway she could hold on to her failed relationship with DH. After the "ME TOO!" comment, I realized quickly she wasn't happy for us, but just wanted to spy on how things were going. I quickly blocked her. 

As far as SD12... I used to post about her when we first met. But as she PASd she became angry and resentful towards us. She refuses to take pictures with us most of the time... and if she miraculously does, it's with a frown on her face. So I'm definitely not posting pics of SD. She has an account on FB, but I have blocked SD too. I don't want her commenting on pics of DS. Or saying how "unfair" her life is for all to see.