It's not my problem...
I refuse to feel bad that I have a close family and DH doesn't.
I refuse to feel bad that my family has traditions and DH's doesn't.
I also refuse to feel bad that I don't include SD in those activities and plans when HIS family (who all live either in the city or 3 hours away, while mine live 2000 miles away)don't do anything and mine does...
I don't feel bad that because of her behavior, I wont subject my family to her...
I don't feel bad that because of her behavior, even DH doesn't take her anywhere...
I have a habit of taking pictures of my son. He's only 22 months, but I have over 2500 pictures of him. He's had 5 professional photoshoots since his birth, along with the random shots I take pretty much everyday with my camera... It's important to me as I only have a handful of pictures of me as a baby, and it didn't become very important until I was older...
I just don't get it...DH doesn't even think about doing family stuff...Neither does his mom who lives 10 minutes away, BUT whenever I have something scheduled for me, him and my son, his mom always asks are we taking SD...OR whenever I schedule pictures for DS, she always asks if SD is getting hers taken, too...
NO...If either of that stuff is important to you...Do it. "Be the change you want to see" lady...All day long...
I've told her that (politely). I've told her if she wanted to have pictures of the kids taken, schedule something, just let DH and I know...NOTHING. In the 22 months DS has been here, she has done NOTHING with either of them...Just making these weird and slick comments whenever I do something. NEVER says anything to DH about HIM not doing stuff with HIS kids...I've had the conversation with DH. I've let him know that if he wants to do stuff that included his daughter, he'd better get on it and get to planning, because if it's not important to HIM it's definitely not important to me...I've also said that if planning stuff wasn't something he wanted to do, he was more than free to enlist his mother...I told both of them that together...Still nothing...I've let them know that I generally do NOT plan stuff when SD is over because of her behavior (something that they are both VERY aware of). She doesn't go to parties at MY friends houses...She doesn't go to functions with MY job. That's MY circle. DH doesn't take her to his, so why should I???
So now that I've planned a family meet up with my mom and sister over Labor Day, the first question from MIL is if we're taking SD. No. I'm tired of it. Last week, she wanted to know if I was going to plan SD a birthday party for the family...NO...I'm not. I know she's got some weird expectations in her head as SD's birthday isn't until JANUARY!!! She's only saying that because I've been planning DS's 2nd birthday party. I told her I had nothing planned, but if she wanted to plan something, let DH know so they could "plan" something together...The conversation when like this...She saw me flipping through an Oriental Trading catalog, and says, "Having a Party?" Me: "Yeah...Planning DS's 2nd. I ordered from them years ago, and they still send these catalogs...Just seeing what they have...They have more stuff online. His party is going to be Pirate themed since we're having it at the Pirate Playhouse..." MIL: "That's cute. A princess theme would be cute for SD birthday. I always wanted her to have a princess themed party...that would be nice if we could do that for her" Me..."mmmmkay....January is a LONG ways away, but if you want to start planning it and budgeting it, have at it..." I then handed her the catalog...
Why is it assumed that I have to do everything? Why is it expected when they don't do a thing for SD? Why does MIL think it should be MY problem. I assist DH with HIS child, not the other way around...I'm sure she may have wanted the "thrill" of the planning, but why not offer to help me with DS's party?
I'm frustrated and mostly irritated...
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just tell her that if she
just tell her that if she can't do anything then to shut up! I would. }:)
please don't think I'm trying
please don't think I'm trying to ruffle your feathers because honestly I'm not...I would be just as upset, but I wonder if MIL is telling you these things BECAUSE she knows DH won't. In a rosy view, MIL might not be trying to make SD your problem, but probably feels that SD might feel unimportant to DH and you loving BS is just making his lack of enthusiasm for SD that much more obvious. MIL might not want to get involved because that will make her the replacement mother figure and maybe she wants you to have that with SD, and not feel like she's trying to alienate all of you. Again, please don't think I'm downgrading you, because often, it's so much easier to look from the outside and judge. Only you really know what you have to deal with day to day and all the effort you have put in it. Anyway....HUGS....I hope something gives and it gets easier for you.
No...I get you...and I
No...I get you...and I appreciate your thoughts...Thank you...
I've thought about that, and while it MAY be true, the OVERRIDING sentiment is that my DH's family doesn't DO squat. I could appreciate her having that perspective if SHE was actually doing something "grandmotherly" but she's not...She does NOTHING...and I mean NOTHING. I had to tell DH to sit his mother down and let her know she needed to do more as a grandmother if she wanted to be in their lives. He has to periodically tell her that...She usually goes 4 to 6 weeks without seeing them and she lives 10 minutes away...TEN MINUTES. My mom lives 14 hours away, and my DS knows who she is as my mom calls EVERY SINGLE DAY to talk to him...even though he can barely talk. She got a skype account and a video camera so she could see him...DH's mom has done NOTHING...So I had to tell him to get Sesame Street basic with her...JUST COME OVER AND VISIT THEM ONCE IN A WHILE...We have never, ever asked her to baby sit or anything...Just come SEE them...(Heck...Now that I think about it, she didn't even do that with SD BEFORE DS got here, or even when DH and I were dating before we got married...NEVER...)
So while she might have the rosy view you speak of, she's out of her lane if she does...She needs to be looking at herself and what she's NOT doing to establish and maintain a relationship with her grand kids before she starts looking at me and what she thinks I'm NOT doing...
I do appreciate your perspective, however...
WOW yea...no kidding.....well
WOW yea...no kidding.....well the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree so its no surprise that DH doesn't see any need to be as involved with SD as you are with DS...what a shame...that poor family tree....keep goin strong mama....I know I'm gonna have the same sort of distinction when my baby is born. I notch everything as special because it is. I know SD is going to make that into a rough time for me..... I'll just keep clicking the DSLR ;p
Our babies are only babies once. We can't help it if we're proud BM's.
I think you're right with the
I think you're right with the planning thing, but SD was "here" waaaaayyyy before I came into the picture, and MIL never did anything then. My thing is that it's not your "thing" so don't EXPECT me to pick up the torch...
And yes, I do feel differently about MIL planning for SD...I don't do parties at my house. I don't like people running around my place, and I ESPECIALLY don't like cleaning up after one...So anything that happens, happens OUTSIDE of our house. So if MIL wants to plan something for SD, I'm more than okay with that...matter of fact, I INSIST...
DH has a very non-interested and ungrateful family...so I don't do anything as it pertains to them anyway...I've had my feelings hurt WAAAAAY too many times. I don't "plan" stuff for them per se, but if I do have something going on, I invite them. They're nice, sweet people, but they're just self absorbed, and EXPECT you to do stuff for them without being reciprocal...DH is the opposite, and I don't know HOW that happened...
It's a journey for me...and it's not easy...
Wow, I admire your keen focus
Wow, I admire your keen focus and moxy, shielded.
SD is your DH's creation and responsibility. Sad as it might be for SD, it's not for you to be making up for her father's lack of initiative or effort. You wouldn't back away and fold your arms if DH or MIL took the initiative to do something nice for SD, right?
Regret that I lacked your discernment and firm assertiveness about exactly which roles are for whom when I got into my relationship. Mr Helpless and son, Baby Huey, were probably thrilled how quickly they were able to train the new dancing seal.
Mr Helpless and son, Baby
Mr Helpless and son, Baby Huey, were probably thrilled how quickly they were able to train the new dancing seal.
_________________________ < That's me...I'm *DEAD*...Hiiiiilarious!
I think you just hit the point I'm feeling...100%...
I do understand what the ladies above were saying, but I REFUSE to try to *change* people...I want DH and MIL to do whatever they were doing BEFORE I got here...I'm not about to be turned into that woman who is running ragged and stressed out while they're laying back relaxed waiting for ME to put on the show...
SD has a parent that is NOT involved...Guess what...so does DS...That's both of their realities. Only difference is THAT is all SD knows of her dad's side of the family (heck her mom's too), but I'll be damned if that becomes DSs reality...
My DH is a great father, don't get me wrong...and let me qualify this whole perspective...He plans...He plans what is important to HIM...What kind of fool do I look like trying to make his kids important to him and his mother?? That does NOT connect for me...
And to answer this question:
You wouldn't back away and fold your arms if DH or MIL took the initiative to do something nice for SD, right?
No...I wouldn't...NEVER...As a matter of fact, I've made suggestions for them PLENTY of times of activities for him to do with his kids and for MIL as well...THEY just don't do anything...I feel like if you need to take a dump, and I show you where the chitter is, that should be enough! But NOOOO now you want me to wipe your azz, too?! GTFOOH...
"I REFUSE to try to *change*
"I REFUSE to try to *change* people..."
It's the right choice, IMO. Of course, I didn't call what I was doing trying to "change" anyone, just providing them positive examples to go by. Countless "positive examples" and 2.5 years later, they're still the same hopeless masses as they were in the beginning. The trained seal has stopped clapping and dancing for them, darn it. }:)
Great you're there to break that cycle for your son, shielded!