It was a year ago that I was writing here about calling CPS on BM for neglect and how nothing came of it. The past year has been pretty rough trying to get autistic SS10 back into a functioning child - wiping himself, brushing teeth, not lying, etc. etc. I found books, charts, social stories, worked with the schools, went to IEP meetings, etc. etc. etc. and then DH lets him go back to BM's for the last half of the summer and trash all the work we had done. Actually, I take that back. All the work I had started and DH half heartedly helped with.

We get him back and during this time are buying a house to get someplace stable since the house fire in spring 2012. He's reverted to not wiping again, not brushing teeth, not washing in the shower, lying... the list goes on. I start the star charts again, buy more books, research ways to combat this and help him and he's now older and more "I don't care" because he's older. DH is blasé about it all. The not wiping thing super bothers me. It's absolutely disgusting. I can't stand it.

So we then start pretty much 24 hour supervision. Standing there to make sure he wipes, standing there while he showers, standing there while he brushes. If we don't he will say he did and not do it. I catch him all the time just standing there to pass time so he can pretend he did it. Well, I THOUGHT *WE* were doing the supervision. Turns out DH goes in the bathroom and watched SS put the toothbrush in his mouth. The he leaves to go watch tv or screw around on his phone and come back 2 minutes later to tell SS to stop. SS hasn't brushed during that time because nobody is watching him. So, in frustration I buy the pink tablets that show where plaque is so that we don't have to stand there for that at least. He can brush then chew the tablet and re-brush as many times as needed until it's clean. Guess what, DH does it a couple times then start "forgetting" and SS stops brushing. It's a freakin cycle. Same with shower and wiping and whatever else is next in the long list of things a 10 year old boy needs to learn to do for himself SPECIALLY IF HE HAS AUTISM. He HAS to have consistency to understand it's REQUIRED.

So pretty much as time is going by I realize that I keep coming up with plans to try to fix things and DH is all on board, then he slowly stops being interested because it's a huge pain in the ass and SS reverts because now it's only me who is making him do it. I'm getting frustrated and getting more snippy with SS because if he'd just freakin do what he needs to do the whole family would be better. I'm starting to yell at SS more often and resent him and my DH. It's getting to the point that I'm losing it with SS on a daily basis and feeling like shit afterward. I've apologized to him a bunch but yet I'm so at my wits end that I just am full of rage and frustration.

So after this summer DH was adamant about not letting SS10 go back with BM. She moved out of state and never notified the courts so is in contempt and knows this. I was so happy about this new attitude because getting SS back to a functioning child is a several month long project that is a serious pain in the ass. Then, it happens. DH says "well maybe a few days for Christmas vacation wouldn't be bad. He should be able to see his mother. And we could use the time off." This was after I suggested to him that she could come to our house and see him so that we could supervise (he didn't want that because he doesn't want her here.). Oh, there was also a flipping off and racist comments incident at the school that we know he got from her house (she posted a picture of her new husband flipping off the camera with SS sitting next to him laughing). We don't do that stuff because we know he will mimic it.

I think DH's comment broke me. I'm sickened to look at SS. Like seeing him represents 7 years of working super hard to help him when his parents won't follow through. Since my DH's comment, I've really flown off the handle with SS, to the screaming point and I can't control myself. I'm so full of rage at all I have tried he refuses to follow simple rules like wiping his butt or using soap (not totally his fault he's a kid that doesn't see the point and not getting the guidance from his bio parents). I can't control myself anymore and I'm constantly feeling guilty. Right now the only time I'm around SS is to drive him to school and I'm not even talking to him for fear that I'll yell. I'm having a really hard time not getting mad at him. I feel really out of control emotionally and overwhelmed. I took today off so that DH and I can talk while SS is at school.

Speaking of that, that's another huge issue. Now that BM moved out of the state we never have time without SS (almost 3 years now). I don't have any family in this state (I moved here to be with DH because he had kids) and I don't really have a close relationship with my parents. DH's family is 3 hours away. We never get a day off. We had tried to find babysitters but have only been able to find services that charge around $20 an hour with a couple hundred downpayment. We just cannot afford that for going out to have fun. Child care is super hard because he doesn't play well with other children without things being very structured and even then you can pretty much guarantee that 2 out of 5 times he will have a meltdown because he didn't win or the other kids weren't playing exactly like the rules state. Most child care centers aren't going to deal with an Autistic child. I've been putting so much work trying to find services or support groups for us and keep coming up short. I also have no support network. Since I moved away and with constantly being consumed with working on this family, I've lost most of my friends and the ones I have left don't have kids and just don't understand. I feel completely alone and I'm furious, enraged, sad, emotionally distraught, overwhelmed, in turmoil, guilty, depressed, and just pretty much hate life right now.