New here. How do you deal with gross skids?
I am new to the forum and SO happy I found it!! I'll give you a quick background on my blended family. I have DS13 and DD10, and then two SS ages 10 and 12. DH and I have been together for four years and married for a year and a half. BM is completely nuts. (That's a whole other story) Lucky for us our kids get along pretty well and have from the time they met. The biggest difference is that my bios are really mature for their age, very responsible, both get straight A's in school and are also in sports. SS's are both very introverted and nerdy and rarely leave their rooms unless they have to. They spend their time glued to their video games and are just very awkward to even try to talk to.
When I first met skids I knew it was going to be an uphill battle if we ever moved in together. They are both immature, can barely take care of themselves, don't clean up after themselves and basically had DH doing everything for them. So when we did move in together two years ago I was very upfront with DH and let him know that some things needed to change or it would never work. I'm talking about very reasonable expectations such as flushing the toilet and washing hands after using the bathroom, putting their laundry in a hamper instead of all over the bathroom floor, etc. And I will say that after a bit of nagging things have gone pretty well.
But there are still a few things the skids do that I just can't frickin stand. SS12 is so awkward and clumsy that he literally drops everything, trips over his own feet, knocks things over, and the worst thing is that he picks his nose constantly and either eats the boogers or wipes them all over the place. I have called him out any time I have seen him doing it and so has DH. DH has taken things away from him, tried to embarrass him in front of everyone else, yelled at him, sat down and talked with him and told him how disgusting this is but we still keep catching him doing it. I don't even want the kid in my car because I've caught him wiping his boogers on my seats!! DH now just says "I don't know what else to do. He just won't stop" Any advice??
The other big issue I am dealing with is SS10 and his lack of table manners. I'm pretty sure we have both told him 5,000,000 times not to chew with his mouth open but he does it every single time we sit down to eat anything. All you hear is smack smack smack and then see food falling out of his mouth. It's nasty and even my kids have said they hate eating with him. I know, it sounds trivial but it's just one of those things that drives me nuts. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to eat with him, much less take them OUT to eat, because it's so embarrassing. I get the same answer from DH when I ask him to address it "I don't know what else to do".
The other thing that I can't stand is the lack of basic manners. They literally have to be reminded every single day to brush their teeth, put on deoderant, wash their hands before dinner, wipe their feet before they come in the house, don't leave trash in their bedrooms... They aren't stupid kids and I honestly just feel like it's a lack of giving a crap. 10 and 12 year olds should not have to be told the same thing ten times a day. At some point you'd think they would catch on??!!
I realize I sound petty but it just drives me crazy when I worked so hard to raise my bios to be clean, quiet, well mannered kids and then I have to deal with this nastiness every other week for 7 days straight. I feel myself getting stressed out the day they will be coming over and my anxiety goes crazy. Am I a horrible person? Am I expecting too much out of these kids?? Any advice is greatly appreciated. I love my husband to death but I feel like I'm going to lose my mind when I have to be in the house with these boys for very long...
SD was about 7 or 8 once she
SD was about 7 or 8 once she started actually wiping her butt. She'd just pull up get underwear and have crap all in her underwear. Im not talking streaks, I'm talking like she had mushy stools n and didn't even attept to wipe, there was like 1/2-1 cup worth of crap in her underwear, and DH wanted me to just put it in the wash with all of our clothes. I was like, nope, if it looks like that, it gets thrown away. I don't want 1/2-1 cup of poop swishing around in my clothes. I wouldn't mind if she TRIED to wipe and there were just streaks... but that much is disgusting.
Now that she's a teenager, she talks about it always smelling fishy in the girls bathroom. But when she's over for the weekend, I've noticed the bathroom smells fishy, ESP when she's on her period. Then she leaves the pads in the trash and it is super strong! *bad* she literally thinks it's the girls away her school.... it's HER!
She sneaks an extraordinary amount of food. She ate an entire tub of icing and left it in the cabinet, she stole $20 worth of chocolate candy from her school fundraiser, then stole $20 from her mom to cover the chisty of the money. Did it AGAIN and atole the money from her 6yo(at the time) brother. She ate the left over 1/2 if her brother's birthday cake.
Her room is a disaster 100% of the time, she doesn't scrub her scalp when she showers, spo she permanently greasy headed.
How to deal with it? I try to not barf at the smell, and try ro not laugh at the audacity that even with all her stealing from her mother and from her brother (at her mom's house)n and from her school that her mother had the NERVE to write a letter for her to join the national honors society about how trustworthy, honest, good character she has.
The way she treats people. She is horribly mean. My daughter took her and my other daughter to the mall for a "sister date". Then sd turns around and tells her the sister date would be better without her, and that she's the 3rd wheel. She's always talking about best friend forever but she goes through those thre easy she did underwear (always ending up throwing them away). She had 1 friend (that i swear she was more than just friends) she would buy her valentine's gifts, and just "hey im just thinking about you" gifts. She called her a bffil (best friend forever in life). Well this year they are no longer friends. There are series of friends in and out of her life. Shree always blames it on the friend, saying they are always rude... but we all know the truth.
Everything i mentioned about get physical self as well as ger personality is gross and disgusting to me. I just try not to vomit and mind my own business.
This really had me giggling..
This really had me giggling.. esp after reading your previous post regarding the latest situation.
I have one in the house who will wipe and throw the tp in the trash.. she's done it for years now and before she was younger so I tried using it as a teaching chance.. put it in the toilet.. ect ect.. last time she was around I caught her doing it again.. we've been through this enough she knows damn well not to do it. I called her into the bathroom while she was in the middle of playing.. I said is this yours? She got quiet.. and I repeated myself.. I said is this yours!? And she's like "yeah" I asked her if it belonged in the trash, she said no. I asked her where it went and she said in the toilet. I said alright then please put it in the toilet. Her face was priceless really. She was disgusted at even the thought. I said I know, it's disgusting isn't it and I'm not cleaning up your mess. When she was done I said thank you and she went on her way. Where in gods name do these kids learn these nasty behaviors!?!?!
The hygeine part is the WORST
The hygeine part is the WORST for SD10. She refuses to wash her hair, brush her teeth, or put on deodorant. It's disgusting. Everytime DH and I go in her bathroom, instead of products being in the shower, they are shoved in random drawers and cabinets. She makes up excuses that she "can't find it" or "doesn't know where it went." We thought as soon as she "hit puberty" she would want to start taking care of herself. Nope. Not at all. She doesn't brush her hair and constantly says "I think I have lice." DH has explained to her "No, it's just dandruff because you don't wash your wash." It's disgusting. I refuse to help a pre-teen wash herself. DH and I have done our best to teach her. I have explained to her that a SHOWER is best for rinsing out your hair... if you're just taking a bath and trying to wash your hair, all you are doing in dunking your head into dirty water. She doesn't listen and just says "well I like baths." and will refuse to shower.
I've come to realize it's not my responsibilty. This needs to be on her Bio Parents. If she looks and smells like a hobo, so be it.
I tell them when they are
I tell them when they are gross. Stepkids, bio kids, strangers children LOL- I tell them they are rude, I tell them they are gross. I have told my SS to leave the dinner table and go shower because I can't enjoy my food due to his stench. My BS has come up to me give me a hug and stunk so bad I made him immediately go shower.
My other SS will come to the dinner table with no shirt. That drives me nuts, so I tell him to go get dressed before he sits down. If he cops an attitude, my house=my rules- Leave now and come back with a shirt on. If you don't you don't eat.
I have quit playing nice with this stuff. All of our kids are teenagers, they have been taught better. Also the amount of odor that can come from 4 teenagers is more than any house can contain, so I just tell them how it is. I don't tolerate the BS anymore.
You are not being petty
I deal with similar issues with my stepsons. And have my own bios that I feel I've raised to be well mannered also. I like how smooth things are when it's just mine here. DH will also say things like "I don't know what to do" and it's like he's given up. When SS scream and yell he has gotten better about disciplining right away because that is a big no for me, I won't live with that.
I think with other things regarding manners, it's still important. Who wants to eat with kids eating with their mouths open and making that smacking noises? Disgusting. My SS's do this too, it's like they are wild animals. The two older ones I guess. I feel like my youngest stepson is more impressionable and listens to me. I don't disengage with him and have less problems with him. I feel more posivive about this one. The older two I disengage from so it is harder to discipline, especially when DH says he just gives up or doesn't notice things.
What seems to work for me with these two is still disengaging and picking my battles. Dinner table manners are important but luckily his have a weird schedule and go to TM for most dinners. I can suck it up for the few meals we eat with them but I still dread it and usually drink lots of wine, lol. I also wait for DH to hopefully notice the gross behaviors. If he doesn't and it's really important, do you feel comfortable speaking up to your stepkids? If not I would sit down DH and tell him how important this is for not only you but his kids too and make it sound like you are concerned for their well-being.
I've done this with the noise issue. Middle SS gets loud and yell/talks a lot. I can't take his voice, it's like nails on a chalkboard and he needs to use his inside voice. This really affects me and makes me want to run away. There was an instance when the kids were playing a board game and SS is yelling when he talks, bossing everyone around, and talking non-stop. I told DH this has to stop. I can't handle hearing him boss around my kids playing a game and he needs to learn he doesn't have this much authority. It directly affected myself and my kids, and DH agreed to talk with SS with me about this. It has helped a little. I will keep nagging DH if SS continues this, for me that seems to solve my problems. I just have to say things gently and not too critically.
But these things are more challenging when you are disengaging. If my kids ate like they I just yell at them constantly to knock it off! That's what our DH's need to do, keep correcting the kids until they get it. Maybe even tell them they have to leave the table if they can't be respectful enough by having proper manners. But I think a lot of dads don't want to hurt these kid's feelings for some crazy reason.
I've also told DH that
I've also told DH that certain behaviors his kids do trigger my anxiety. I've never had much anxiety until these kids came into my life, but I don't blame it all on them at least to DH. DH is pretty supportive of this and does want me to be happy so that helps things.
And oldest SS has ADHD and on the spectrum. I truly believe middle SS is also on the spectrum just by the odd way he acts. DH has never brought this up, but I kind of just go about life like he is. I think DH is in denial. Still doesn't mean his behaviors are ok.
My DH doesn't notice their
My DH doesn't notice their behavior most of the time either. So I sit there at the dinner table getting more and more anxious at the smacking and nastiness and DH is oblivious to everything going on. Drives me crazy!! And the anxiety these boys trigger... I am on anti anxiety meds now because of the stress they cause me.
Your DH doesn't WANT to
Your DH doesn't WANT to notice. But I bet he does.
So either you need to call out the behavior, or you need a code word for your DH so that he has to acknowledge the behavior. Agree ahead of time that when you use the code word he must take action. Maybe your code word is "elephant." Kid starts the smack smack and you tell DH, "I read an interesting article about elephants that I think you'd enjoy. I have to find it for you." And if calling out the behavior doesn't result in any meaningful change, there has to be escalating consequences. I'd lose my mind.
They sound too immature for this, but do they show any signs of romantic attractions? That's always good impetus for non-gross behavior.
Great advice. It is not worth
Great advice. It is not worth it to let these stepkids affect our wellbeing so much. We all deserve to be happy and not let them and their bad behaviors control us so much. As my dad told me, take back your house! Easier said than done, I know, but still important.
Oh yeeeessssss. They hygiene
Oh yeeeessssss. They hygiene and basic manners are missing. Because no one PARENTED them from an early age to know better. My SDs were 7 and 9 when I met them.
* utensils were optional at the table.
* No socks ever worn.
* No underwear ever worn.
* Infrequent laundering of clothing so they were constantly wearing old, dirtly clothes and coats.
* Infrequent bathing - no soap was used. No faces washed or hands washed, let alone hair.
* No toothbrushing.
* No pajamas worn.
It was lunacy. This was not on DH alone, but also on BM - neither parent did anything. So I tried. I taught them how to wash hair, wash face, use a washcloth (they still don't), made dang sure they washed their hands before eating and at least their feet before bed if it was barefoot summer time, instituted a bedtime routine for quiet time, pjs and teeth brushing, morning routine of dressing in clean clothes and toothbrushing, made sure showers were more frequent and taken separately (they would shower together but only mess around), had a laundry routine and got them their own laundry baskets. Forks, spoons and knives were taught and required to use at the table, I still have to tell YSDstb15 this at times (!).
Well, did it work? HA!
OSD rebelled HARD. I gave up on ANYTHING to do with her hygiene practices by the time she was almost 11. DH had to deal with it. And she lied to him easily, frequently and clearly. And he accepted it for the most part uniess he could smell her breath or smell her. Only then would he react and they would have yelling matches - she just didn't want to do ANYTHING. When she was around 13 she finally started showering on her own with regularity, but clothes washing, sheets, towels, and brushing teeth never happened - and she would do nothing on the weekends. I literally gagged once when she walked by me and I had to leave the kitchen to avoid her. She refused to wear deoderant of any kind.
YSD liked the routine. She now does her own laundry (since she was around 10), showers ever 3 days (should be more but I have zero say in anything parental), brushes her teeth at night (never in the mornings), and wears clean pjs at night. Not sure if she wears deoderant but I suspect she does - she hides it in her bedroom cabinet along with her feminine supplies.
Nothing I did helped with OSD, she rejected everything I tried doing. I eventually just stopped cold and if she smelled I would not get in a car with her. I would not go anywhere with them unless she (and YSD) bathed - DH knew this and I stuck to it. YSD followed by example - she does ok but refuses now to alter her routine as she's "stuck" in it and cannot alter it (she's this way with a LOT of things). I suspect DH will have to start insisting on more frequent showers w/in the next couple months.
The only thing you can do is insist on saying something at the dinner table, that it's rude, because it is directly affecting you and others. If hygiene makes them impossible to be around, don't hide it. I told DH very specifically why OSD was not allowed in my car sometimes and told HER as well when needed - like she couldn't sit by me on the couch because she did not smell good. Otherwise it's on their parents to correct.
you are not alone
I too have started taking medication due to my two SS's , everything you wrote sounds exactly like my house . They are disgusting and have become so annoying that i don't even want to be around them . Sometimes i leave the house or take a shower to just get away because i don't want to literally lose it .
Although, i have started to put my foot down with my husband about hygiene because i just can't . They probably think i'm the wicked witch but oh well . One of them started middle school and i sware if we weren't out of school due to covid he probably would have a hard time because he chooses to not brush his hair, shower, brush teeth, change clothes . Its a battle to get them to pull themselves together to take them anywhere . Their mother doesn't help either nothing is enforced at her house which makes it all the more difficult here and i know.....that my husband did the same thing when his was with her clearly they did not teach any hygiene manners at the younger stage.
In Military School we would
In Military School we would confront any shit beasts that loaded their own pants and inform them that it would not happen again and if it did that they would have to wear their loaded underwear on their heads while they did countless pushups and other torturous exercises under the hairy eyeball of their peers then wore them to bed that night. If they took them off their head, hell would be better than what happened next.
So, any time she walks in your home and reeks, tell her that she is going to have to wear her underwear on her head. See how she reacts to that prospect. Then send her immediately to shower and change clothes. Then have her wash her cloths.
With particularly clueless and stubborn shit beast children, getting creative and applying a high level of public humiliation can work wonders.Their choice to stink, and it is a choice, does not only impact them. It impacts anyone within olfactory stimjlation distance of their choice to eminate stench.
Zero tolerance works. Put her in a diaper. Seal herstench within the rubberized elastic legs and waist of the diaper. Her choice, diaper, or wear her shit filled underwear on her head.
Ugh. I've written about gross
Ugh. I've written about gross skids before, too. Thankfully they're all grown and gone. Yuck.
OSD was bulemic for a time...and hoarded food in her room until it was moldy and rotting. I'd find flecks of vomit around my toilet and shower drain. Lovely. But she was gross before becoming bulemic. Picked at her face...did this weird thing where she crumbled her dry food at the table. Like...if she had a roll she'd sit there and absent-mindedness crumble it to tiny bits at the table...drove me nuts.
SS was also a food crumbler. And weirdly his mouth always grossed me out...something about how he opened it and talked and smiled was yucky. I think it's because it always seemed like he had a thin sticky film...you know how when you first wake up you have to move your lips around and open your mouth a couple times and smack your tongue against the roof of your mouth to get it moistened again...it seemed like he had to do that all the time. Lots of throat clearing, too. Not sure if it was some weird tick he had or if he really had a sticky, dry mouth all the time (maybe because he didn't drink enough water?) but it drove me crazy and made it difficult to look at him while he was talking...would just get too grossed out by his mouth.
YSD was probably the cutest and the most well-mannered and hygienic as a kid...but in her teen years and beyond (she'll be 21 soon) she turned into a looming hulk of a person...greasy...and the absolute worst dresser...with terrible posture. I have hope for her though that it's just a phase...she'll get used to being tall eventually...and she has the potential to be really attractive.
So yeah...gross skids are the worst. Fortunately, all of mine DID grow out of their gross little habits that drove me crazy...I mean, they're all in their 20's now, so one would hope so... it it's not always a guarantee.
It's also amazing what love does. My cute, adorably sweet little niece is heading into pre-puberty and is often greasy. My sister is trying to teach her how to REALLY wash her hair...but it's not doing much good. Somehow when I look at her and her little greasy head I'm not grossed out at all...it kind of melts my heart for her.