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So... This is my life?

shandee's picture

Some days I wake up and wonder how in the world I got myself into this!!!! I don't even know where to begin, but since I'm new I'll quickly glaze through it cause looks like most everyone knows exactly where I'm comming from.
I live in a very small town, I met my husband by chance... We went to the same high school & he was a friend of my brothers, we just bumped into each other one day. I also went to school with his daughters bm (small town, they were hs sweethearts). So we all know each other.....kind of. We started out just friends cause you know,a friend of my brother, but we were pretty much going through the same situation.( I have four kids.... 2 girls 15 & 13 from my 1st marrige, then a girl & a boy 8& 6 from a 2nd relationship... whole other story we were together 8 yrs 1wk before r wedding i found out he was messin around w someone at work!!) My (current) husband had been with his ex since hs but they also never got married.... so we became friends and then next thing I know we are dating. Well I didn't think this through wholly.... I know his ex and i know her family, they are the type that are kinda white trashy but try to act like their not!!! It has been hell ever since!!
The bm just raked my husband over the coals....They went to court 2 months before she got out of dental hygiene school (genius) no job so no income, my husband was a union electrition. So needless to say they stuck it to him on cs. Over $600 a month for 1 child!! Now I share kids with other ppl I understand child support. That I didn't get. At this point we all live in the same town. (This all happened in the spring at this point they had been broke up a year. They had broken up but she refrused to leave the house because it was his ( my husbands) job to take care of her and the daughter cause she was going to school!! Now she already had a boyfriend or two at this point but she would not leave his house.......So he sold it. ( This is where i come in, couple months after the house was sold). Sorry im a little a.d.d.! so by the time school started in the fall the sd was saying she may be going to school in another town 45 min away... when the bm was asked about it she said that was none of his business right now. So he asked the ggmother who watched the little girl she also lied. We found out where the sd was going 2 school on her 3rd day of school... 45 min from where we were living. A month later H went to pick her up for a thurs nite visitation & no one was home. When the bm was called she said oh we moved today you can pick her up at this address.It was in the town sd was going to school. Its 7pm and she has school the next day so he had to forfiet his visitation & from then on it has been HELL!!! That was 3 years ago, and we are still going to court trying to modify cs & change the visitation schedule. It has been ridiculous!!! Now I share kids so I have some understanding of how things unfold, I had two completely different situations. My 1st husband and I are very good friends we talk all the time we go to our childrens sporting events together , we always sit together.His wife is one of my best friends. We have disagreements but who doesnt. my 2nd ex it wasn't quite the same. He married the woman he was messing around with a monthe and a half after our final split. That was tense for about a year. But now we get along fine we parent together I talk with his wife frequently its so much better for our kids!!! Why can't ppl see you dont really have to like each other to coparent, but you should love your children enough to do the right thing. I can't even believe there are so many ppl out there like her it is unreal, I'm not just a stepmom that wants to bi*ch i've been on both sides of the fence, but i believe in god & my kids and I was tired of seeing my kids sad because their dad and i didn't like each other. I'm looking for any good advice I can find because somedays I think I will LOSE my mind!!! Twice I have tried to file for divorce and fortunately I have a great lawyer who has told me go home wait a couple days its not his fault. Thats the hardest thing to get ahold of....

Comments

shandee's picture

That wasn't quick

evilstepmonster's picture

Oh HUGS to you. I'm past the whole visitation hell part of my marriage but I remember what it was like for a long time. All I can say is if you love him then try to stick it out. It's really hard but someday BM will be forced to get over herself. Carma is a wonderful thing. Trust me She'll keep what is coming to her.

shandee's picture

So this week sd was out of school on fri. it was her moms wkend; everytime we run into this the bm demands we bring her at the most inconvienient times she can find knowing that either my husband will already be at wrk and can't take her or it totally screws with my day. Like she will say either have her home by 8 am or at noon. She lives 40+ min away from us. My little kids' dad lives in the same town as the bm and on fri. i take my kids to his house at 5:30, but she always makes sure i will have to make more than one trip. Notice i'm sharing travel time, she however is not. We have been fighting this for 2 years , better pick up times , shared travel, she has been fighting a 5:30 pick up time for thurs visitations for 2 years also. So now after we filed a motion in dec 05 3-4 court visits... still stalling, so we have been forced to start all over and file a new motion. So now we are asking for Thurs from after school to Sat morn at 9 (on the bm wkends) and til 5:30 sun ( on our wkends ). Hopefully this will help alleviate all the running back and forth on days out of school. We are also asking for travel time and the state min guidelines for holidays because right now we don't even get that!! Last year we had the sd for less than 24 hrs for xmas!
She wrote our attorney a letter stating she agreed to everything the first time we filed a motion it just didn't changed because my husband and his 1st attorney couldn't write it up right. Funny thing about that is that attorney gave her & her attorney the option to draw up the journal entry, her attorney threw it back to us... our attorney sent 3 copies of journal entries along with seperate letters of request she just ignored them all. We have it documented... her saying she won't ever agree to this or that, she makes up ridiculous reasons , like my husband can be the only one to pick up or drop off the child. But she lets her mom , sister, bf, gma , neone she wants tote the kid around. Now it's ok if i have to change my schedule to drop her off at school every fri. morn after i take my kids , and spend another 1 1/2 to get hers to school, but i can't pick her up from school?
She told my husband it would be a cold day in hell before she let him have the visitation we are currently asking for. So back to the letter to the attorney, she told her if she felt she needed to file she (bm) would be more than happy to talk to the judge , she was not going to waste anymore of her time or money for an attorney. So i guess she is going to go to court and represent herself. I guess whatever you think....? This is going to be a huge fight you would think we are trying to get full custody!! She also said she will not go to mediation unless H pays for it all! Can she do that? Has neone really been to court, mediation , for just visitation? And if you have ne good advice on how to get through this..... by all means i'll take any & all help i can get

happy's picture

Have you talked to her at all? I would plain and simply ask what her porblem is? Why is she being so difficult, that if she would open her eyes wider to the whole situation she would clearly see that she is doing more harm to her daughter then your husband, after all he is an adult and will be ok. Its the daughter who I worry about.
I wish you luck in your struggle.
I agree with your lawyer, stick this out, especially if you love your husband, its not his fault she is a immature human being..
I was married before my current husband, and this time around I took my vows very seriously, with that no matter how tough it seems to be, I go back to that day we got married and think of the vows I said, I meant every word of them, I will not let my marriage end with out putting up a fight for it. Does that make sense. I love him that much, and trust me we have had plenty of issues with his kids, ex's all of it. but we stick together..
I wish you all the best honey..
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"

shandee's picture

I went to high school with this person, i used to do her hair.I never really knew my husband while he was with her. She never ever talked about him , briefly after they broke up and she was still living w him. Mostly she told me about her going out and the other guys she was with. I never told my husband any of these things after we got together, why should i that was their deal no reason for me to add insult to injury. He knew what was up though just no proof. He was not with anyone until she moved out of his house. It was a strange twist of fate that we ended up together, but i think she thought i told him things she had said to me. I had nothing to do with them breaking up either, i was still with my little kids' father when they split. She is the type of person that either you are with me or my whol family is against you kind of thing!! Nothing constructive can come out of her mouth ever, just insults and lies, I pray every week that god will soften her heart. Not working so far, but as i grow in my faith things will change, god brought me to this site and i am learning so much already and it helps me from venting to my hubby so much which has greatly helped the stress level here. He's the clam up kind of guy.
I thought of writing her a letter before. What do you think of that? But i don't know where to start. Her and her family badmouth my husband and i continually to the sd, and the child is really starting to be affected. My mother in law tried to talk to her about it and told her she needs to think of sd and her best intrest and she wasn't. She just cussed my m-i-l out. Misery loves company, she grew up w/o a father and she wants the same thing for her daughter.... sad isn't it?

happy's picture

in High School. How sad for your SD but without a change on her part as a mother to her daughter, nothing you will do will change her attitude. Some people never grow up, and that is so sad especially when there are kids involved. Writing a letter would make you feel better, but would not do any good with her. Writing for me always helps me out. Try doing that, just writing a letter to say all that you want to, to her and see how that makes you feel, just don't send it. Its like therapy for me...
I don't understand her, I mean if she grew up without her father, why would she want her own daughter to struggle with the thoughts that you have growing up that way. I know first hand, my dad left when I was 6, so I know how hard it is. I never wanted that for my kids, and thus far there dad has a very active roll in there life.
I wish I had great advice for you, but I don't. I wish I could make woman in her shoes see the damage they do to there kids by doing that, acting immature that is. She must not love her daughter to much? How can you love your children fully yet be so mean about the other parent? Doesn't make much sense to me. If your husband was abusive, or a pedifile, then I could see the alienation, but it sounds like he wants to be a dad.. Play it cool though, I say this because you know what, all the lies this girl has heard and all the crap, will in the end bite her mom in the butt, because it always does. If she doesn't want you to have vistitation, write her cards, send her money or gift cards at x-mas, birthday's all holidays to let her know you all care for her, with the deepest expression of love so she may see the truth the older she gets. K.. And keep on with your faith because ultimately that will get you thru all of this.
Tonight, when you look at your husband tonight really look at him, in silence and look back to when things were not so complicated and let yourself get caught up in all those feelings of love again. When my husband and I have had a tiff or things are so hectic, I always stop and look at him for awhile and all those feelings rush back, and I fall in love with him all over again. You are a strong person, and you can beat the odds of the second marriage statistic.
Here for you always..

Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"

bubbles92399's picture

I too understand what it's like on both sides of the fence. While my 8 year old son's b/f has made it completely impossible to get along, my husband's ex is crazy! I have spent the last year of my life unable to sleep and have been literally sick from stress. My husband lost his job and had to take another one 8 hrs. away. He tried commuting and coming home on the weekends but it strained our marriage too much. I was 3 months pregnant and decided that my 8 year old and I needed to move. I wrote a letter explaining the situation to b/f who made $150,000 a year yet only paid $47.00 a month in c/s. In my letter I proposed new visitation schedule that gave him the same amount of time. The proposed visitation schedule would allow for our son to play sports and attend playdates with friends from school which he was unable to do before because he was at his father's the 1,2,3 and 5 weekends of the month. B/f refused to negotiate. This man has NEVER attended a school function, never contributed to school clothes or ANYTHING other than his monthly $47.00 which he was in arrearages for. We ended up in court. I was forced to travel the 8 hours everytime there was a court date while being pregnant. It was miserable. We were forced to get an eval. by a court appointed psychologist who was a CRAZY bastard. I had to pay for most of it. After spending over $20,000.00 that I didn't have the Commissioner decided that b/f did not have a right to a trial! The ordered visitation is exactly what I proposed in the first place!!! While that was going on my husband'd ex decided to take him to court also. Step-witch made up horrendous lies about me and it was a mess. My husband ended up getting a scheduled visitation now but she is still after more money! She gets $703.00 a month for 1 brat and that's not good enough. She is constantly complaining to the c/s office saying that he's lying about his income! My son's father really does lie about his income and gets away with it. He says that he made $148,000 last year but had to put $123,000 back into his business yet he has a 2007 Mercedes CLK 320, a 2007 loaded Suburban, a 2006 Chevy truck, a new boat, a travel trailer and just purchased a 4,000 square foot house and is in the process of having a second one built!!! His c/s was modified in June to $196.00 per month. We can't even pay our own bills!!!! I can't believe how different it seems the same state can operate. My husband has always gone out of his way, way out of his way, for his daughter and he gets screwed. I don't understand. So now we have creditors after us, my s/d keeps canceling her visitations (which is good for me), my son's father wants his c/s that he doesn't pay modified again saying that he only makes the equivalent of $8.00 per hour and b/m is trying to get her c/s modified because she says that she has s/d more now. I am constantly wondering what the hell I got myself into. Sometimes I feel as if I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry for rambling but I have researched alot of family law and can maybe be helpful. Let me read through my tons of doc's because I can actually pull some legalities out to help you.
1. She cannot make it so that your husband is the only one to pick your s/d up. Everyone has the right to help with transportation. 2. If you guys can focus on how difficult she is being they should come down on her pretty hard. 3. You should point out the fact that she moved without giving prior notice, I believe a person must provide 45 days written notice delivered by certified mail. 4. The law protects the best interest of the child. Google the La Musga Case. It's a Supreme Court ruling that is brought up alot in family law court.
I'll look for more info. for you. Don't let your husband pay for everything. Family Law Court is 50/50.