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BM changed once I got pregnant

SeeYouNever's picture

Long time reader, I rarely post but this step thing is starting to go downhill. My relationship has been pretty good until we got pregnant then BM has tried to be a lot more present in our lives.

She used to treat my husband like he was only good for sending money. Their conversations were always short and to the point. After a while of being a bitch they started to be cordial like co-workers but still only had short conversations. She would often ignore his requests to talk to SD. We saw SD once in a blue moon, so we aren't close and I figured I would handle this stepmom thing if that was all it was.

Lately BM has been very communicative and nice. They now have these long friendly text conversations about SD and coparenting strategy. I know this is good for my husband but this literally started when she found out I was pregnant. She still acts like I don't exist but she has been talking a lot more to him and letting him get SD a lot more and also asking for a lot more extra money (of course there was a motive!) My husband spends a lot of money on SD on the rare occasions we have her. 

So basically she is asking for more money and having these nice parenting conversations with my husband and it feels like she is more present in our lives than ever before. Right when he and I are supposed to be learning to be parents together she decides to come in and be a good coparent with him. She says it's ok for SD to come see us a lot once we have the baby which I did not expect at all. SD wants to babysit and has been giving me mothering advice, which is super condensending coming from a preteen.

She literally never sent him pictures of SDs events now she sends him pictures of her practices. This is what my husband has been wanting for a long time and she finally gives it to him when we are having a baby? BM is married and has a kid with her current husband. 

Why the hell is she being so nice? I feel like I'm the only one suspicious about this. She was fine with him not being in SDs life before but now she is trying to make sure he doesn't forget her? My husband is distracted by these damn conversations and it's so annoying. He shows them to me but it burns me up when he is texting his ex wife and smiling and laughing. 



STaround's picture

that her ex will lose interest in his oldest child. 

SeeYouNever's picture

She had no problem with keeping his relationship with SD the bare minimum for the last 10  years and now she is ok with them rebuilding? The timing of change of heart is so annoying and she is asking for much more money. My husband is happy with he change but all this new communication makes me as though they are his real family and I'm some mistress on the outside. We've been together for 5 years and he has been separated from BM for 10.

Curious Georgetta's picture

I am sorry, but if the OP mentioned the dad taking steps to ensure his visitation I must have overlooked that statement.

In any case and for whatever reason, both children will benefit from his new or renewed foray into parenting.

This new involvement in parenting will only be an upside for both children.


shamds's picture

in case you haven’t read here, courts even give custody yo drug addict and high bio mums who are constantly high and having strangers get high at her home whilst kids are there and even when a dad goes to court, he’s shut down because some bio mum is better than no bio mum they say. 

The childs safety and stability is not a concern for them.. i mean how else would they keep a job if they can’t keep delaying cases or making decisions to settlr the peace...

tog redux's picture

Generally, IMO - this is about control. She felt like she had control of DH by withholding SD and information about her, but now she's afraid he's going to move on, so she's making sure that she and SD are front and center.

Why doesn't he have a Court Order? Why does she have control over when he sees his kid?

SeeYouNever's picture

He does have a court order they just hated each other and couldn't cooperate enough to follow it. 

I think you're right it's about control, before witholding SD was how she controlled him and extorted more money, now keeping the focus on SD and letting us have her even more than the CO says is about controlling and knowing what's going on in our house. To me it is so different from the long term norm that it feels invasive. This isn't even about SD being around it's BMs "presence" that comes with her.

Jcksjj's picture

This is exactly what I was going to say. Before she expected he would just continue to beg, but if there is another child shes afraid he might just say screw it and walk away.

ntm's picture

She’s inserting herself into your life and your marriage because you are expecting a child. It’s not about the SD, it’s about herself. You shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy this time together and she needs to remind you that he has another child. There’s never a sincerely positive motivation with these types. 

Your DH needs to not get sucked in to lengthy conversations. Short and to the point. CO-parenting doesn’t mean they re-engage in a full blown relationship. Visitation per the schedule - there’s nothing you can do about that, but no extra time unless you agree to it. 

hereiam's picture

My husband is happy with he change but all this new communication makes me as though they are his real family and I'm some mistress on the outside.

^^^^^That's exactly the point. BM does not want to become irrelevant, now that he's having a baby with you. She's going to show you who was there first.

Thisisnotus's picture

GIRL!! Be suspicious be very suspicous. As posted above this is nothing more that her having a FEAR OR LOSING CONTROL over your DH. Right now she is using SD as her pawn and must feel totally in control of when he sees SD....with means she feels she has some control of your lives....

Now BM is terrified that her actions will backfire..scared that .your DH will move along with this new baby and her CONTROL methods will be yesterdays he won't have time for the BS....and her PAS will actually work...which isn't what she actually wants. Because if DH never sees SD and lets BM's tactics of witholding just stand....then BM has lost control of your DH.

It's utter bullshit and I'd be pissed (and I have been at mine) at DH for playing into it.

SeeYouNever's picture

She has been talking to my husabnd more but not letting him talk to SD any more than before so she is still gatekeeping access. I think this fact is KEY. He gets to be more involved with SD's life, but it's all through her. 

If she really wanted them to rebuild their relationship she would let them talk between visits. Every visit comes with a request for money and she has figured out that the more we have SD the more money he will spend/send. So she is definately playing offense over money because she knows babies cost money.

How can I approach this with my husband without it seeming like I am the one being territorial??

tog redux's picture

He needs to set some boundaries with  BM, starting with insisting on following the court order. She doesn't get to play keep away or control when he does and doesn't see his daughter. 

The problem is that he's playing her game with her, rather than setting boundaries and following the CO.

shellpell's picture

A similar thing happened when I was pregnant with my first- all of a sudden Bm was interested in our baby, in sending ss more, in trying to play happy family with DH at events when the opportunity arose. Dh shut it all down and yours needs to, too. It’s none of BMs business what goes on in your house. Ours tried- once Ss asked what kind of formula I was using for the baby- as if he really cared and as if that question didn’t come directly from his mother. Hello, bm, I seee you. 

bananaseedo's picture

It could be that primal 'about resources' thing- every woman feels that pinch if there are other 'kids' not her own in the way.  Whether you're a bm or sm.  Each parent will fight for resources for their own.  So that's ONE part.  The other is as you mentioned, losing control or thinking he will 'walk away' then affecting 'resources' so she's game playing.  Just be cautious and tell him to cut that ish out.

Siemprematahari's picture

Your H has to create boundaries especially with the lengthly conversations with exwife. Only communicate if it's about SD and if it's necessary. Anything extra is just giving her entertainment which she doesn't need. He needs to follow the CO.  He can't assume he can compromise with a person that purposely kept their child away. Right now he's setting the tone for BM to think she has some sort of power. She may also see the baby as a threat as far as the attention this new child will bring so she wants to make sure SD is front and center. I hope I'm wrong in this line of thinking but I wouldn't put anything past her judging on her past.

Anyone that intentionally withholds their child away from their other parent shouldn't be trusted. He needs to be able to find a balance of coparenting with her but keeping a safe distance as well.

shamds's picture

it was so over the top untill their true colours really showed. Exwife had alienated the 2 daughters and didn’t expect exhubby to remarry and have 2 more kids so she has made her one 14 yr old as the centre of everyone’s universe and play the pity me card.

she claimed to be a born again religious person and that they need to put the past behind them for the sake of treir kids. She didn’t want any of those kids, she uses them as a cash cow.. 

my husband has not communicated with her or been in her presence for over 11 yrs. when you threaten to have your kids go to military school or police academy so they can learn how to shoot with a gun so they can shoot their dad, you lost the right to ever demand to coparent for the sake of the kids..