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Can I opt out of a relationship with my 18yo SD???

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

I’m new so I hope this isn’t too much to start with…I just think putting it all in writing might help me. I could also really use some feedback from someone that understands SKIDS dynamics. Here is as basic of history of my life with my SKIDS.  I started dating my DH over 11 years ago.  At the time we started dating his two daughters were 7 and 2 years old and I had a 4-year-old daughter (yes 3 girls lol). My ex and I have a very good relationship and co-parent easily. My daughter has a great relationship with both her dad and me.

DH’s ex-wife and the kid’s BM left him for another man who was supposed to be really “rich” and a much better earner than my DH.  It turned out badly for BM and the “rich” man (he’s currently in federal prison) and she has cycled through lots of men ever since.  The latest breakup happened a few months ago when her boyfriend kicked her and her daughters out of his house after treating them all badly for months.  BM has 50% custody with DH but we have always kept the kids much more than 50% (which I’m happy to do). BM has caused many problems and seeks drama all the time.  I believe BM has an undiagnosed mental illness (likely bipolar disorder) as she behaves erratically with us and her children.  BM also has a drinking problem; SD’s have called us on lots of occasions when BM (or her current boyfriend) was drunk and behaving in a way that scared them.  She has been caught drunk driving with SD’s in the car and we had to go pick them up.  I have myself witnessed BM verbally abusing both SD’s and SD’s say she physically slaps them occasionally as well.  She seems to swing wildly between being extremely permissive to being tough on them. BM is basically a party girl and can rarely be bothered to parent.

SD’s have very different personalities the older SD (I’ll call her SD1, now 18) suffers from several is outgoing talkative and has been diagnosed with mental illnesses including borderline personality disorder.  The younger (I’ll call her SD2 now 13) is quiet, calm, easy to get along with and very sweet.  SD2 does sometimes get manipulated by SD1 or BM and becomes distant but for the most part we don’t have any issues (that I’m aware of).  We found out about 3 years ago that both SD’s were sexually abused by a relative that is now deceased.  This helped explain a lot of SD1’s problems and was very helpful in her treatment.  She was placed in a mental facility by her old therapist after cutting and telling the therapist she wanted to commit suicide.  She spent over three weeks in an awesome facility in Illinois and it helped her a lot (it seems to be the only thing that has ever helped her).  She has been in some sort of therapy since I met her.  She has had (and continues to have) some amazingly bad behaviors much of which would turn your stomach.  I don’t care to revisit all of the ways in which she has hurt people, specifically me and my daughter, but it is extreme.  The suicidal ideation that landed her in the mental facility she claimed was because I was in her life ☹ (ouch that one hurt).  She bullied my daughter so badly that my sweet and sunny daughter struggled to want to engage in things like our family vacations.  Also as background I was thrilled my DH had daughters and I was so excited to have them both in our lives.  I always wanted more children and I felt lucky to have this small role in their lives.  My intentions toward both of them have always been good and I’ve always wanted as much custody as we could get.  Unfortunately, I spent the better part of the last 10 years dealing with a highly manipulative SD and BM that definitely had zero good intentions toward me.  On several occasions over the last 10 years I have sidelined my needs and sadly my own daughters needs in order to care for SD1.

Fast forward to last May when SD1 was 17 and she decided to move out of our home two days before her high school graduation.  Also as background, DH and I have are blessed to have a beautiful home in which all three kids have their own space and bathrooms.  Our kids want for nothing they are given lots and well cared for.  My husband and I were devastated because if felt like everything had been going really well for the 6 months prior (which is a long time for SD1).  We had no idea why she wanted to leave, she refused to talk to me (blocked on her phone and everything) and told my DH it was because she was “uncomfortable at our house” and “she couldn’t be herself.”  We found out a few months later from my in laws (IL’s) that she told everyone I had “fat shamed” her and abused her verbally and physically her entire life.  She made up stories about how her and SD2 would have to clean and my daughter had no chores (like Cinderella).  It has always been the opposite and I have always asked more of my own daughter, mostly because she lives with us more than SD’s.  This and a few other things cause me (and DH) to no longer have a relationship with most of my IL’s,  a lot of them believed her and have been really terrible to me.  I didn’t know why some of my IL’s had stopped talking to me until months after it happened when one of them approached me in public and basically yelled at me for being such a terrible person. This is someone I loved and thought of as family it hurt so much I could barely reply.  I had no idea what to even say. I still can’t figure out how to even defend myself because I have no idea what exactly has been said.  I’m by no means perfect but I’ve never done anything remotely abusive to my SD’s or my own daughter.  I never spanked, belittled, or even raised my voice.  I certainly would never have fat shamed anyone.  My now deceased mother struggled with obesity her entire life and I saw people treat her so badly I would never ever do that. Ugh Never….

I was immediately uninvited to SD1’s graduation party I think mostly because all she had told IL’s.  The IL’s that are still my friends told me more that was said during this party, they were sickened and actually left without talking the SD1 or BM.  Later my husband was dis-invited to the grad party as well I forgot to mention.  We were told that was because he didn’t pay enough.  We actually payed our share for the party and gave SD1 a nice gift. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do now I wish we wouldn’t have.  SD1 has been in and out of our lives ever since but has never moved back into our home.  She’s mostly comes to us around present times (Christmas/Birthday) and when she needs something (when BM’s boyfriend or BM kicks her out). 

SD1 has no direction for her future she is not going to school and has a part time job (less than 20 hours a week).  A few months ago I was able to get her a pretty good job through my family; full time, more than minimum wage, and room to get promoted.  She quit the job about three weeks later.  She worked with a good friend of ours son who is 2 years older than her (I'll call him D).  We found out through my family she had accused D of physically assaulting her (beating her up) and told a bunch of people at the job.  This is the third time she has accused a male her age of either rape or assault.  The police warned her last time that if she put in another false claim they would charge her for it.  She refused to go to the police this time and would only text my DH about it.  D actually called my DH and said it wasn’t true he was really upset and was considering quitting his job because everyone believed he hit SD1.  DH doesn’t believe SD1 was ever raped or that D assaulted her.  DH has now just refused to interact with SD1 without telling her why.  He is afraid to tell her he doesn't believe her.  DH is afraid SD1 will hurt herself if he says that.  SD1 didn’t reach out to either of us for a few weeks but a few days ago started texting us different things every day.  DH still hasn’t dealt with this and I really don’t want to have anything to do with SD1.  She has quit all therapy and is currently not taking anything for her other mental illnesses.  I just want to protect myself and my daughter.  My daughter (now 15) wants nothing to do with SD1 she has been really hurt by SD1 and feels like there is no fixing it because SD1 has not remorse.

So long story even longer…my house has been peaceful since SD1 left almost a year ago. We occasionally still have BM drama, but rarely because SD2 doesn’t like the drama either. Any time we interact with SD1 it adds drama and chaos to our lives.  Can I just opt out of a relationship with SD1?  Do I owe her an explanation?  I feel like explaining this would just invite more drama I have zero influence and even recently (about a month ago) she has said she “struggles to want me in her life.”  I think I would be giving her what she wants.  I know this is upsetting to DH but he barely has a relationship with her; can’t I just opt out?  I want peaceful holiday’s where my daughter and I can both feel comfortable in our home.  I want to opt out…does this make me a bad person?

Comments

Sparkl3s's picture

No it does not make you a bad person. There is no need to announce your disengagement. Take care of yourself, there are SM in here that disengage from one skid and not the other. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

The short answer is Yes, you get to choose which adults with whom you want to have a relationship. You have two minor children to prioritize and protect, as well as your own mental health to maintain. Read on if you want my more wordy insight/advice.

My DH's daughters (notice I did not say my SDs) are adults with children of their own, but the younger is BPD and I experienced a lot of the same things you're struggling with. YSD lived with us from fourteen to nineteen - five hellish years of dealing with her constant lying, hypersexual behavior, and trying to get quality mental health care for her. YSD moved out while DH and I were at work. It was three days before Christmas, and she even took presents from under the tree.

YSD scapegoated me and told lies to extended family - all stuff from the BPD playbook. Over time, the in laws realized where the problem actually laid. YSD continued to tell outlandish lies (claimed to have cancer, then an autoimmune desease) and victimized other family members. I urge you to take heart, keep your dignity, and avoid deep discussions about your SD with family. Say only that you are sad and worried about her. Position yourself sympathetically.

As my friend the psych nurse said, "You can't be friends with a Borderline. If their mouth is open, they're lying." YSD has shown that to be true. Borderlines are all about chaos, drama, and victim status, and YSD has hurt many people ove the years. She can't keep friends or jobs, and the few family members that do associate with her keep her at arms lengh.

Your core problem is how to deal long term with a mentally ill extended family member. Your SD is going to be BPD forever, and some of the most challeging years are just ahead. She is going to go from crisis to crisis, highs and lows, one bad decision to the next. Periodically she'll crash and burn/run out of people to use. She'll come looking for a soft place to fall, but if you let her back into your home, your lives will be a misery. 

The fact that your DH has gone No Contact is actually a good thing, and trying to explain why to his disordered daughter would be futile. Distance will help you detach emotionally start the process of disengaging completely from this toxic adult. Focus on your daughter, who has undoubtedbly been impacted by all this poo, and creating a calm, peaceful household. It took me a good while to decompress and adjust to not having to be hypervigilant.

Talk with your DH to come up with launch plans and long term rules for adult kids NOW (NO adult kids living with you should be rule no 1). Three girls means you need to think about what your stance will be should one reproduce without the necessary resources (my YSD did with two different men). You do not want to get stuck raising (damaged) grandkids. Also, you mentioned that you are blessed with a large, comfortable home. I would seriously consider downsizing so there is no room for your SD to reclaim.

 

 

 

 

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

This is great stuff for me to hear I really appreciate all of the advice.  I hadn't thought forward in time enough to think about SD2 reporducing and us getting stuck raising her kids, but that really seems like it could happen based on her hypersexuality and lack of keeping up with her current birth control method.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through with your SD and I really appreciate the wisdom you provide.

I know this is a huge struggle for my DH and I know I'm going to have to be hypervigilant about no contact with her.  Luckily we have a great therapist we see together who advised us both to have no contact with SD2.  I know DH will want to bring her back into our lives and in the past I have acquiesced but over the last few weeks I continue to make it clear I can't (and more importantly my sweet daughter) can't have her back in our lives.  I think it would be helpful for me to make it clear what the boundaries are and maybe write it all down so there is no confusion with DH and myself.

I hadn't thought about downsizing our home for this reason but it's an amazing idea.  I've promised by daughter we won't move until she graduates from college but as soon as she does I think we will start looking.  I know DH is on board with that this is a lot of house to take care of and as our kids get older and move out we really want to travel a lot.

Thanks again for the wisdom it really helps me!

Stepping Along's picture

Yes! I think you should for yourself, your daughter and for SD2

I think you will continue to get burned everytime you leave even the slightest crack of a door open to SD1 in this current state. She would need to show some serious change, being on her meds for a start and some long term consistency in improved behaviours and an apology (or 10) before you even think to open that door again.

I know it hurts to feel like you ahve put so much in over the last 11+ years, but dont go wasting any more time at this point. Focus on the good relationships you do have, because it really sounds like you do have some great ones xx

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

Thank you for the reminder of all the good I have in my life, becasue I really do. I've got an awesome, loving, and supportive family.  I also have lots of friends who treat us like family I'm very lucky to have all of these wonderful people in my life.

I wrote down what you said about the change I would need to see from SD1 and I'm going to add that to my list of things that DH would have to explore with SD1 before I would even consider a relationship with her.  Thank you!