Been there done that

We went to an orchard this weekend. As we drove up my husband said "SD loved this place when she was little." Then we parked and he said "I'm going to stay in the car with the baby and have a nap, you guys have fun."

So the toddler and I went and picked fruit, she had fun but I felt so sad. DH had been there done that with SD and couldn't be bothered to mosey around an orchard with our kids.

He watched us from the car and came out after about 15 minutes once we were done and apologized but how hard would it have been to have just done the right thing from the beginning? Then he got annoyed with me when I didn't help him to set up his phone to do a timer picture of the whole family.

He's a great dad to our kids in a lot of ways but it's as if whatever he did with SD he doesn't want to do again with our kids. He's said he doesn't want to make the same mistakes and I'm all for avoiding that stuff. But some things are part of childhood or part of life and I don't want to miss out of them just because SD already did it.

I'm not sure but I think he was sharing some pictures of our day out with his family and SD and he got some sort of reaction or non-reaction and it put him off of things. Sometimes I want to snoop in his phone out of curiosity, not because I don't trust him.

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I'd be petty, take a dig and

I'd be petty, take a dig and ask him to name an activity he hasn't done with SD so he can show some interest with his other kids next time

I was pretty, I told him he

I was pretty, I told him he made me feel like a single mom, he apologized but he never gave a good reason for why, he was just moody like the whole thing reminded him of SD and the dark part of his life.

It was almost like since he had to do this with SD as a single dad he wanted me to do it with our toddler like a single mom but then later realized it is actually kinda fun and he was missing out on making a memory with our kids.

I wish he didn't have to stop and act sullen every time he thinks of SD, let's just make new happy memories to save over his sad ones!

Is he showing any signs of

Is he showing any signs of depression? Sometimes when people are depressed they want to avoid activities that remind them of what they are missing or what they have lost.

I think he is depressed too.

So I went back and looked at

So I went back and looked at some of your blogs and it looks like SD is only 14 and from what you wrote DH doesn't even see her on a regular basis. What's the longest he's gone between visits? I can honestly say if my DH did not see his daughter on a regular basis (and by that I mean he sees her every single week) I can't even imagine how depressed and moody he would be. Did you think that maybe your husband acted that way because he truly got sad thinking about how he never sees his daughter anymore and going to place he did go with her in the past brought it all to the surface?

I know you wanted a happy family memory. So would I. But I think sometimes we do need to step out of our own shoes and sympathize or rather empathize with what our spouses are going through. Of course it would be so much easier if these men just opened up and talk to us instead of making us try to be mind readers

The longest he's gone is 7

The longest he's gone is 7 months due to a deployment. I do sympathize sometimes but others I lose my patience for him. He did apologize but only after he sabotaged making a nice new memory. Now he's stuck with two sad memories instead of a sad one and a happy one.

I have often said it's like a minefield with these moments with him. I never know when he's going to get moody about SD or weird about me because of something BM did a long time ago. We communicate pretty well except for these things, I don't think he has a good enough understanding of his own feelings, but he doesn't want to do therapy because 95% of the time he's fine.

Ok so on top of dealing with

Ok so on top of dealing with all the things divorce comes with and not seeing his daughter he is in the military? You are lucky he is like this only 5% of the time. I really do think people who havenever been in the military have no idea what it is like for these men and women. My neighbor is married but is still dealing with many issues after her husband came back after being gone 6 months. She almost left him but he is doing solo counseling and they are doing marriage counseling now.

Why did he even bother going

Why did he even bother going if he was going to nap in the car?

Next time he wants to try

Next time he wants to try something in the bedroom tell him thanks but you already did that with your ex.

ROFLROFLyes3

*ROFL**ROFL**yes3*

Hahahahaha! Yes. This.

I would say "I'm glad you

I would say "I'm glad you took the time to create those memories with SD. I would greatly appreciate it if you did the same for ____." What a jerk.

As some people suggested above, he may be depressed. But what actions are he taking to ensure that it doesn't affect your children? If he is truly that depressed that he is unable to enjoy everyday life, he needs to get help.

That's a good way to phrase

That's a good way to phrase it and would make an inroad into him talking about his feelings. I know every time he casually mentions SD14 we're in for some moping. I think he's not comfortable with bringing up this topic with me because in the past I told him the situation with SD14 is his own doing. It won't get better without him putting in a lot of effort and it might not get any better even if he works at it.

I do think we need to return to this talk if it's affecting our biokids. I wonder if he holds back on giving them affection or other small day to day things for the same reason. He's been weird ever since our oldest got past the age that SD was when he split with BM.

I wish he would go to therapy, I don't want to have to play therapist for him.

My formerSO was like this..

My formerSO was like this...and wouldn't even do stuff if his kids weren't going to also come...because "it wouldn't be fair". Huh? His kids were 13 and 16 at the time....so not even going to be interested in doing the same stuff you would do with a 5 month old. Also, his daughter lived with bm and exclusively came for gift grab holidays only.

Depression or not...nip this crap in the bud or it will end up causing major issues. Perhaps it is time for him to see a doctor.

Yes! Age gaps are a real

Yes! Age gaps are a real thing and you can't always include everyone. DH mentioned the other day that he wants everyone to do "family costumes" ex. dress up as a theme together for Halloween. I never said anything and SD wasn't even home at the time.

SD11 announced at the dinner table. "I don't want to dress up for halloween this year. I'd rather just go buy my favorite candy." Well, there you go. I'm sure it hurt his feelings that SD doesn't want to partake in halloween with us. But what does he expect? No, a preteen isn't going to want to dress up with a 6 month old. It's just the reality of the situation, IMO, DHs in general need to accept they won't always get to play "big happy family" even though that is what they hoped for.

My DH has told us about how

My DH has told us about how he used to take SD on vacations all the time and go to kid oriented resorts and how much he spent. Now he doesn't want to do any of that with our kids because he doesn't want to spend the money and theye boring.

I would be seeing red if my

I would be seeing red if my dh ever told me our kids were boring. What does he want? To discuss philosophy and politics with a toddler? Did he do that with SD?

He is not a "great dad." A

He is not a "great dad." A great Dad doesn't leave his wife and their eldest to go alone while he naps like a 2 year old.

My husband has never behaved like this. I would have confronted him and read him the riot act. I can't stand it if he is moping over AdultSkid when he is supposed to be enjoying being with me and our kids. Even if it might be the same stuff he did with skid.

What a misery guts. What a

What a misery guts. What a party pooper. A nap? Like a little old man...?

This is the same guy who called his current kids "money pits"

This is the same guy who called his current kids "money pits" - so his attitude towards his children with OP is pretty obvious. Not only does he not want to spend any money on them, he apparently doesn't want to even spend time with them. OP, you have my sympathies, you are in for a long road with this guy.

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