You are here

Micro managing BM

Sasha_1980's picture

So my youngest SD came to live with my fiance and I 3 months ago.    She is a smart, sassy, beautiful, crazy 11 yr old.    She truly is a blessing.    She loves living here because her and her half sister are closer than ever now.    

 

BM is driving my BF and I nuts.     She has to know absolutely everything that we are doing.   If SD doesn't answer her call or text within minutes she is blowing my phone up.    A lot of times neither of us have our phones on us because we are out doing things.    If she can't get a hold of us she starts texting my BF.    If he doesn't answer she just shows up at our house.   She walks right in and doesn't knock.   We can be painting or outside gardening.   She starts yelling at her daughter that she needs to answer every text or call.    Then she starts yelling at me that I'm being irresponsible because she doesn't have her phone on her.    She wants to know what she eats for meals and how much, if she has had a bowel movement,   she wants to know every little detail   

 We get atleast 30 texts from her everyday.   BF has told her a number of times she needs to stop and relax.   Mind u my BF and I have been together 7 yrs.   Before SD moved in we had her 4 days a week every week.

 

So my question is how do I deal with this.   

Comments

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

A No Tresspassing sign. Then file harassment and Tresspassing charges.

That's all a strict no go in my eyes.

Only thing you can do now though is going to be legal if you want it to stop.

Sasha_1980's picture

We have talked about going the legal route.   But BF is worried about how SD will handle it 

Winterglow's picture

Could it possibly be worse than having her mother on her back all the time, constantly haranguing her? 

Prepare her in advance - tell her that her mother has no right to barge into your home, that it is not her property and that, as she won't stop doing it, you are going to have to use the means necessary to stop her. MAke sure it's clear that any consequences she faces will be because she herself chose to face them. 

 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I'm with Winterglow. Her mom constantly harassing all of you isn't a healthy situation for SD either. File the charges. BM will back off.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Start locking your doors. And YOU need to block BM. There is no reason she needs to harass you. 

Ispofacto's picture

Send her a Tresspass Warning Letter.  You can find samples by googling.  Adjust the wording to fit your situation.  Send it certified mail, and CC your local PD.

If she comes on your property again without permission, call the cops.

Block her from your phone.

SD needs to learn that it is not normal to call and text someone 30x/day.  Ask her how she would feel if her least favorite classmate did that to her.

 

TrueNorth77's picture

Tell her in writing that she is not allowed to show up at your house, and under no circumstances is she allowed to walk into your house. That you have separate households, and she is not Involved in what goes on in your household- if she continues texting, calling, and showing up, you will file harassment charges. Save that communication in case she doesn’t listen and you need to take it further.  Crazy BM showed up here one night and had skids go outside by her, so I called the cops. Of course she had just pulled away when they got here, but the officer did call her and tell her she couldn’t come to our house and needed to leave us alone. Sometimes a little scare is all it takes, and quite a few officers would do that so it doesn’t get escalated further, especially if she shows up again. 

 

tog redux's picture

How did SD come to live with you? BM is certainly working overtime to try to keep SD focused on her and not be happy in your home.

Have SD put her phone away, make sure she speaks to BM once each day, and then you guys don't answer when she calls. Also let her know that she is contacting SD and you guys excessively, and this is what you will be doing (DH should let her know this, not you).  And, last but not least,  let her know that if she sets foot on your property without your consent and harasses you, the police will be called.  Follow through on this.  SD needs to know that BM isn't the boss of everyone and limits can be set on her if necessary.

I'm assuming she lost custody, and this won't make her look good.

Sasha_1980's picture

SD and BM we're living with BMS great-grandmother. But there was some kind of fight and they got kicked out an SD decided she wanted to come live with me and her father. BM really didn't put up any fight about it she was actually pretty happy that SD decided to come live with me and her father.

There has never been a custody agreement.    

Winterglow's picture

Or is SD letting her in? In any case, it has to stop.

By the way was this, at any time, bm's home?

Sasha_1980's picture

SD doesn't let her in.    When we are home we don't lock the doors cause we are always I'm and out of the house doing things.    The door gets locked around 8. Cause then it's time to sit and relax before bed.

Siemprematahari's picture

"She walks right in and doesn't knock."

This right here will get a person's @ss kicked if they enter my home unnannounced. This is a big H@LL NO and your BF needs to shut this down quick with some of the recommendations stated from other posters. She feels too confident for me to just walk into your home like she can run sh!t.

"Then she starts yelling at me that I'm being irresponsible because she doesn't have her phone on her."

This would definitely be grounds to kick her @ss but I understand we have to be adults here so I won't take it there. She's definitely violating boundaries and your BF needs to stand more firm on them. Have your BF speak to his daughter and give her a heads up because this behavior is out of line and not healthy.

Sasha_1980's picture

SD has been told this isn't normal behavior.    BF is trying to get BM to act like a normal person.    But he is close to taking her to court for soul custody and she would only supervised visitation.    

That has been our topic of discussion today.    

Aniki-Moderator's picture

You cannot expect normal from someone who refuses to recognize simple boundaries. And walking into someone else's home is definitely violating a simple boundary!

Sasha_1980's picture

Trust me I know.   I would love to meet her at my door with one of my hunting rifles.   But that might be used against me and BF 

tog redux's picture

BM tried to force her way into our house once, and only once. DH shoved her out and slammed the door in her face. She called the police because she thought he "assaulted" her, and they came and told her she could be arrested instead for trying to get into our house. DH told her not to set foot on our property again, and she has not since that time.

Boundaries and limits work.  First off, lock your doors. And if she shows up banging on your door, call the police. 

TwoOfUs's picture

Man. We used to have a real hover BM...but it wasn't anywhere near this bad. 

We had skids EOWE and BM would just show up to bring the kids things that they "forgot" at her house. She'd also call, email, and text A LOT. Drove DH crazy...it was his 3 nights, 3 1/2 days every other weekend and she acted like he couldn't handle it. She was constantly texting the skids to make sure they were "OK" and didn't need anything. 

One weekend, she dropped by 3 separate times on Saturday to bring the skids stuff they forgot. (Mind you, she's not around the block...she lived 15-20 minutes away. So she spent  1.5-2 hours just being a courrier for her lazy, forgetful kids). If I remember correctly, she brought one skid a phone charger (even though we had multiples of that exact charger at our house already), one skid some socks (like he couldn't borrow socks from his dad), and one kid a school book (that one might be understandable). But yes. Three SEPARATE trips. 

We did lay down the law and tell her if skids forgot something, they had to do without for the weekend. Too much disruption. 

Sasha_1980's picture

BM acts that way to me.    She is constantly hounding about homework, reading, laundry.  Anything she can think of.    Yes I don't have my own children, but I have been with my 2 SD's for 7 yrs.    Since the youngest SD moved in her grades have went up and she is happier.    

The other day she stopped by to drop off a yoga ball she bought her.    SD asked BM y she got her that.   BM flipped out on her.   I grabbed SD and we went inside and shut the door in her face.   We ignored her till she left.   I shut hers and my phone off and we had a peaceful night. 

 

Siemprematahari's picture

Why doesn't BM have custody of SD? Is she an unfit parent? Outside of her crossing boundaries what's her deal?

Sasha_1980's picture

SD and BM we're living with BMS great-grandmother. But there was some kind of fight and they got kicked out an SD decided she wanted to come live with me and her father. BM really didn't put up any fight about it she was actually pretty happy that SD decided to come live with me and her father.

There has never been a custody agreement.