OT He lies for stupid things
I caught FH in a stupid ass lie and I am just confused on how I feel about it. I have caught him lying to me before, he told me he ran out of gas when in fact he went to go see his daughter, he lied to me about other stupid shit,like when he purchased a bike or talked to his ex ..this time he lied about an ipod.
one of my biosons friend left an old ipod at our house, so we put it aside to wait for that friend to come for it...well then I forgot about it
the other day I was in FH car and saw an ipod car charger plugged into his cig lighter and I said hey what is this for?? he said he got it from his friend cuz FH thought it would work on FH new cell phone. I am like wha??? the plug on this thing is HUGE no way it would work on FH new phone, but I dropped it for that day -however the next morning he is plugging in his phone to the wall and I asked him how in the world did he think that ipod charger would fit his phone, "oh maybe I grabbed the wrong charger??? wha?? and no lie for a half hour he tried to convince me that he thought that would fit his phone then changed to oh I think I must have grabbed the wrong one?? I mean he stood there and tried to make it out as though I was stupid he fought to defend his lie and there was no way I was falling for it. so I told him no way did a believe him and he left my room... so about 3 hrs later he comes back to confess and tells me he has not idea why he lied. and after he had already promised me in the past to stop lieing. so our wedding is in a few months, I am so hurt and angry and I just dont know what to do...
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Children lie
to avoid getting into trouble.
Adults shouldn't need to lie - period. Especially about something as small as this. I would definitely question this behavior. I would have trouble trusting him in this situation. Sorry you're having to go through this!!
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
SarahB, let me get this striaght before I misjudge the situation
Are you saying that FH TOOK your BS's friend's Ipod when he didn't come back to claim it? Then he started using it, behind your back, so your wouldn't find out about it?
And when you saw the Ipod chargers around, he started to lie about those to cover his butt?
Is THIS what you're saying? I want to make absolutely certain before I comment...
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
nail on the head
yes he was using it (he tried to say it never worked right after I asked him where it was cuz he tried to tell me he wanted to use it for his phone- the charger i mean)
and he lied to me for the next half hour in order to cover his lie, so he is ok making me feel stupid just so he could get away with lying..
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I know
I know I told him how can I ever believe anything he says anymore, and Harleyg you are right it was/is childish ..
vicki- he was using the friends ipod, (it is junk for the most part and it has been 2 yrs I think that it has been at our house. anyhoo, does he think that I am so stupid to believe that an ipod charger (they are big) would fit his NEW cell phone.
I told him he must think I was born yesterday.
I feel sick.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Then I am ready with my comment
I agree with Harleygal 100%.
FH is in a terrible habit of lying. It speaks to the general intergrity of a person's character, and when they lie on a habitual basis it definitely raises red flags. I would proceed with GREAT caution, SarahB.
I know this is something you just don't want to hear right now being so close to your wedding, but I personally have a low tolerance level for liars. I live with one in my home (SD16) and it is NOT a pleasant experience. I do not care for her or her behavior. Because she has a poor track record for telling the truth, I have to remind DH to approach all things she says as being dishonest from the beginning UNTIL he has the proof to back it up as truth. Isn't that sad?
Is this how you want to have a marriage with FH- specualting that everything he says may be 'tainted' somehow and not fully truthful?
While my DH has a LOT of faults, honesty is not one of them, and I know that what we discuss with each other is fully truthful and I do not have to 'doubt' his word.
Just something to think about.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
to wed or not to wed
I did ask him how could I marry him with this hanging over us.
that he could go on with his day after the stupid lie he told me.
I really dont know if I want to continue on with this relationship. IF he has to try HARD to tell the truth, yup that is what he said to me he is trying since our last "lie" that he is trying hard to tell the truth.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I'm not trying to defend or
I'm not trying to defend or blame anyone either but my first marriage was similar to the situation you are in. I'm a divorced/remarried father of two btw.
My ex was so suspicious of everything I did I got into the habit of telling her white lies just to keep the peace. It got to the point to when I did something stupid,which all men do :), I was afraid to talk to her about it because she looked for some evil underlying motive for it.
Sometimes we just do stupid things and if we can't talk to the person who is supposed to love you the most about it, then everything falls apart. I never did anything to jeopardize my marriage but she had been through a bad relationship before and it left scars on her that I could not heal. I felt that I was paying the price for another man's wrongdoings and that I was always on the defensive.
SB, be careful. After the things that H had in mind, behind my
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
back, before we got married, and then trying to dump them in my lap 2 weeks after marriage-oh, girl, you be careful...
Now the lies come so easy to H-I know I am being lied to about finances all the time. Not much I can do about it right now. But there will be a solution down the road for me.
I've come to believe that their are two distinct types of people in the world....the honest, and the dishonest. And if he'll lie to you about something as childish as a charger, what else will he lie to you about?
What is the source of this?
SB - I used to catch my FH in lies - before and only about the BM otherwise he is truthful as far as I know. Plus we work together and when I have asked other people certain questions it has matched what he had stated previously. The reason I even say that is because it is hard to trust someone after they have lied and you always wonder if what they say is even true. If you can lie about something so stupid and so small (about BM) what else would you lie to me about? In my case it was not once, twice, but certainly more than 3 times and I have no use for LIARS. Is this a pattern, have you always caught him in lies about things since the beginning of your relationship that there really was no value for him to even lie? If so then I agree with the other girls please think long and hard about moving forward in this relationship - it is horrible to always be in doubt. Good luck SB. I will keep you in my thoughts.
thank you my friends
I have caught him in little lies about his ex,about his oldest son and misc other stupid stuff I mean stupid LIKE the charger.
I am going to talk to him tonight, I am postponing the wedding and going to see if he wants to go to counseling (thanks 5)
needless to say I am angry and hurt by him by this, we have overcome so many obstacles now this, how much more can a girl take?
thanks for all our help my dear friends.
I will keep you updated.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
There is an underlying
There is an underlying reason why he lies to you.Maybe because he had to lie to his ex about things so she wouldnt freak out and just became habit?
maybe
I think that has a lot to do with it, he had to lie on a constant basis cuz she was a PYSCHO and would blow up at every little thing.
but after the other lies he had promised he would not do it anymore and then lo' and behold..another lie, for something so insifigant as a charger?
I dont get it. I am not a hardass either...ok well not a big ass hard ass..
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Try
I would try counselling and hopefully maybe that helps.If she was a psycho then i would think that he had to lie all the time about things and it has become habit for him.It was probably second nature for him to lie.But definately get counselling and maybe push your wedding date back for a little just to be sure.
Go for it!
I would try the counseling SB. I can relate to what your FH is saying about lying because of the BM. This came out in my own counseling sessions a few months ago. The BM I deal with is a lunatic and he would not want to talk about her or what was going on so he would just lie because he was afraid of getting yelled out or whatever it was wierd but it took a few weeks of counseling to get things worked out but I still admit I still have episodes where I feel I don't trust what he is saying. It comes and goes though.
Halt
Ummmmm....My DH is a liar like this...He lies just for the sake of lieing ...I mean about Stupid shit!! Shit where the truth would serve just as well..Unfortunatley, I didn't catch him in any of his lies until after I had married him..
My recommendation is to put a huge "halt" on those wedding plans...Trust me, it only gets worse after your married,not better..
In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted
Defending a lie ..... is like going down with a sinking ship.
Maybe this too is a guy thing. When I was in my less than pleasant snarky teen years I would defend a lie to the bitter end.
My SS does the same thing.
I am just glad I learned my lesson and figured out that the truth does not need defending whether the outcome is good or not. Facts are not good or bad, the truth is not good or bad. It is just the truth. And much easier to live with than a lie.
Anyway, I hope you DH figures this out soon. For his sake and yours.
Best regards,
thanks my friends
we had a very positive talk and I believe that he realizes the cost of his lies, and he wants us to work and will be willing to go to a counselor..
Mustang1 he did have a crazy ex wife and felt in order to keep the peace he needed to tell her what she wanted to hear, I told him that did not work for me
I want the truth always, that i can recover from the truth ( if it hurts) faster and happier than I can with a lie.
the wedding plans are still on...i know i know.. but I think it will be fine I really do
thanks for all your helpful advice. I will still have my lie detector on high ...
he knows he is treading thin ice (and I found books on improving self esteem and making lasting relationships in his night stand) so that is also a good sign to me.
thanks again
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."