So yesterday I received a phone call and was given some disturbing information.
A friend of mine called me yesterday to ask me a question.
Her question was this:
Is "so and so" living with BM?
"So and so" is a mutual friend of ours. He's a nice enough guy, but his house was recently repossessed, he can't move anywhere new because of no money (his electric at his old house had been turned off for months), his wife left him several months ago, he has no job, and he has a major drinking problem. I still say that he's a nice guy, but his drinking has been his downfall. Well my friend called yesterday because she heard over the weekend that this guy moved into BM's house. I had heard rumors that they had spent the weekend together a couple weeks ago, but in a million years I would never thought they would move to this step. Needless to say, my FH is disturbed by this. If this person could actually benefit BM in some way (financially, emotionally, whatever) we would feel differently, but his only attraction at this point is that he can be BM's drinking buddy. FH's CS payments will be going directly towards THEIR bar bill. We've decided to consult with a lawyer if we find out that this is true. The skids haven't said anything to us about it, so we're waiting until we have proof that he lives there before we seek a lawyer's advice. Skids are coming tonight and we will try to "innocently" get some info from them. Do you guys think that we could get full custody if this man has moved into her house? I don't know how the courts will view this? I must also add that this is the third guy this past year that has lived with her and SD10 especially is showing signs of severe insecurity regarding certain things that have cropped up this year and I never thought until now that maybe BM's relationships could be contributing to this.
Any advice at all will be helpful. Thanks.
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He was at the bar last
He was at the bar last night. He's a "regular" at our local bar. But, I do realize that it would be hard to prove there's a drinking problem for the both of them. I am more concerned with the fact that TWO deadbeats will be living off the CS instead of one and less money will be going towards the support of the skids. Also, how healthy is it for the skids to be exposed to so many men in their mom's life? Every time one man moves in and there's a "semblance" of normalcy - the guy will move out and take whatever he brought there and the skids grow attached pretty easily. I just feel for the skids and lately, they haven't been wanting to go to BM's for their weekends with her.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
Great advice. We will not
Great advice. We will not be dragging anybody into court anytime soon. BM got a DUI last year and we're just kinda waiting for her to get another one. What scares me is the time that she will have the skids in the car next time this happens. If the skids are missing more school or just being late all the time, I have documented everything and will continue to do so.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
We've thought of consulting
We've thought of consulting with someone regarding SD10's issues lately. She is afraid of the TV. If the TV is not on Nickelodeon or a Disney channel, SD10 will not be in the same room with us. She will cry if we even make her come out into the kitchen which means she will have to walk through the livingroom where the main TV is. She's afraid of any show that's not a kid's show. She loves to watch Survivor, but she will leave the room during commercials because she's afraid of what might pop up on the TV (previews for CSI, House, or any other adult show scares her to death. This is a new behavior that's cropped up in the last few months. She can't explain why she's suddenly so afraid. Also, she is now refusing to ride the bus to the babysitter's. She has told me she hates that bus but she can't tell me why. We don't know how to resolve these issues. She also won't walk down the hallway in the dark and is now in the habit of turning on the hall light even in the middle of the day. All of this is new. At BM's there is no cable TV and they watch videos or things BM taped when they had cable and it's all kids shows, so SD10 has no fear there. But, this past weekend when it was a scheduled BM weekend, SD10 did not want to go to her mom's. She asked me on Friday at her Halloween party if they could come to our weekend with us instead. I would have loved this, but I knew they had all ready made plans with some friends to go trick-or-treating and I reminded SD10 of this and she was not happy. There's a reason she didn't want to go home and I'm afraid that maybe there is a new person living there and this could be the reason. It's just so hard to figure these things out and the BM will request that the skids lie to us regarding certain things and we've caught them in several lies recently. When they both missed school on a Monday and there was tons of homework that Tuesday (our day) and we asked the skids why they had missed school, they both told us that they "didn't feel good" and that mommy had got up late and decided that they could just stay home, which really means that BM just didn't feel like going to work that day. Also, the skids used to call us all the time when they're with the BM (and if they're not shipped off to be with friends) and now they hardly ever call us. I think BM moved this guy into her house and doesn't want us to find out because she knows we will not agree with this.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
It might be possible to get
It might be possible to get full custody but you'd have to be really strict about keeping notes and things like that. If SD10 keeps having issues and showing signs of being negatively affected by all this you could take her to therapy and have it all documented...you just have to show the children would be better with you guys than BM. Also, I recommend asking the attorney if there's some way to require BM to show receipts for things she buys w/the skids money...a separate account just for CS to make certain it goes directly to skids.
"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." *Anais Nin*
Do you guys think that we
Do you guys think that we could get full custody if this man has moved into her house? I don't know how the courts will view this? I must also add that this is the third guy this past year that has lived with her and SD10 especially is showing signs of severe insecurity regarding certain things that have cropped up this year and I never thought until now that maybe BM's relationships could be contributing to this.
------------> In the divorce decree is there a non-cohabitation clause? If not, then this isn't going to be reason enough to gain custody. Also, unless this guy is putting the children in danger or BM is putting them in danger, the court will not care what his or BM's extra curricular activities are. Does him or BM drive around with the kids in the car while they are drinking, do they beat the kids when they drink?
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“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
Only one time did we realize
Only one time did we realize that BM had been drinking before she came to pick up the girls from our house. We found out later that she'd been at a BBQ and had several beers. No, they do not beat the kids when they drink. I am not worried about the kids being physically abused from the new guy or BM. The main concern is the fact that the skids frequently miss school and are tardy alot of the time as BM drives them to school on her days because she doesn't live in the district. We are going to watch the situation carefully and assess each issue as it arrises. I would just hate for "something" to happen regarding drinking and driving (we don't know everything BM does) and all the while we knew there has been a drinking problem in the past.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
You will have to prove that
You will have to prove that the environment provided by bm is not good for the kids. So unless drunk bm or bf does something real stupid, the courts will not take kids away from bm. Hard to prove her behavior is affecting the kids unless she has a dui or the bf starts to abuse. But by then the damage is done.
Unless SD makes the decision she no longer wants to live with her bm and tells the judge she is a drunk, i have no underwear, mommy buys me nothing and i'm hungry because she doesn cook. Then and only then will the courts look at this serious enough to take kids away from her.
SMilefor me had really good thought too.
document, and let bm show receipts as to what she buys....etc..etc..
That's a tough situation.
That's a tough situation. You need proof he's living there, proof he's a deadbeat - unemployed, whatever.
I think if SD10 is exhibiting these new behaviors as a result of something that's going on at BM's house, that would be proof that the environment is not a healthy one for the kids. Get the kid talking to someone, a counselor, trusted adult. Have CPS check out BM if you're that worried, but ya, start keeping track of everything little "off" thing that's going on.
The tardies, SD's new fears, the school absenses, things like driving drunk with the kids.
As for BM getting another DWI, in my state, a DWI with a child under 15 in the car is an automatic felony. No way would they leave the kids with her after that.
Consult a lawyer and see if
Consult a lawyer and see if they think social services should be given a call. First, get proof that he is living there and still drinking. I'd also get the kids a counselor. Good luck.