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step kids are around my age

roxy22's picture

Submitted by roxy22 on Sat, 01/21/2012 - 9:32pm

I'm 24 years old my husband is 41 well we have three girls together ages 4;and1 he has a 20 year old who has her son who is a year old and her brother who is 15.they have a sister he raised as his own she is 21.I can't stand their mom she has been in and out of the physc ward for trying to kill herself she can't stand me her reason so she says is that I'm ypung enough to be his daughter. Well my issues are with his 20 year old daughter she is constantly wanting to be with him and to talk to him.we never could be alone.some of it is a bit weird to me like she tells him about her periods and how long she waited to have sex after she had her baby. I would never tell my dad anything like that and my husband tells her she needs to keep things like that to herself but she doesn't get it.she it on disability for some mental issues which I think are bs she uses that as an excuse to act stupid.so I guess my question and concerns are about what boundaries are normal and how much time do u actually need to spend with ur dad when u are 20 and have your own child and boyfriend! I don't think u need to see him every day for hours at a time! Any advice with be greatly appreciated.

Comments

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Sat, 01/21/2012 - 9:53pm

If her mom has issues, chances are she has inherited some of those too, and DH should be talking to her about getting professional help. He can do this in a calm way in an area and at a time when she's comfortable, and still say that he loves her tremendously and can love all of you very equally but very differently. Maybe he could offer to help her pay for it.

She might feel threatened by you because you're both the same age. I think a great way to alleviate some of these tensions for both of you is to stop thinking of and referring to yourself as their stepmom. I think that's fine for kids, but you're all adults.

There's a forum called "Adult Stepchildren Issues." This would be a great place to vent about SD20. Go over to the left, click "forums" then scroll down a little and click on "adult stepchildren issues."

sixteensmom's picture

Submitted by sixteensmom on Sat, 01/21/2012 - 10:03pm

You were 19 when you got together with her dad, when she was 16... Of course she has issues with you. Wait a few years, or ten.

It's not normal for her to talk about those things with her father but she's probably immensely confused over what's appropriate. In her mind that's what was happening in her world when he left her for you... Kwim?

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 01/22/2012 - 5:07am

Hello OD.

I hope all is well with you and your family and that you are avoiding the flooding in your area.

Best regards,

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 01/22/2012 - 5:05am

I was 30 and my wife was 18 when we married. She had SS when she was 16. I have to say that though I married a notably younger woman and have no issue with the age difference between you and your DH that I do completely understand how his older children may take exception to having their father married to someone their own age.

If I were you I would step way back on anything to do with his older children. Particulary if they are in any way disabled or otherwise mentally, emotionally or behaviorally restricted. Other than to be supportive I would stay out of it and let any snarky crap roll off your back as much as possible. Though I am not usually one to tolerate any crap from the blended family oppostion, in the case of your DH and his older kids, I would stay out of it as much as possible.

As for BM, who cares what she thinks?

roxy22's picture

Submitted by roxy22 on Sun, 01/22/2012 - 9:39am

She lives with her boyfriend and he is perfectly healthy I used to get along with her and I just couldn't ignore some of the things she would say I haven't talked to her in 6 months and I've never tried to play stepmom with them.I've just tried to be a friend I miss her son I do love dh grandson him and my baby are just a few months apart and I miss them plying together. She tells dh that she's only on disability because her mom made her but she won't tell us what the dr actually diagnosed her as.I can tell she is a bit slower but she is not so bad where she can't understand right and wrong.dh always tells me to let it go cause she is just a kid.she is 20 and with a family of her own not a kid anymore.I actually get along with dh stepdaughter way better than I do with his biological daughter.well thank u everyone I didn't know about that forum for adult stepkid issues I'm gonna check it out.thanks