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When child support means nothing

RockyRoads's picture

Do any of you have this issues with SO who has paid child support so long they don't even realize they are paying it and what they are paying it for?  To me it seems like my SO doesn't understand that the monthly money he has been paying for 12 years is for things for the kids and there is nothing In writing that says he has to pay more for anything. But he pretty much pays for all SS sports and 1/2 of anything else that BM pays for. Like braces, car insurance (which he is basically overpaying) SD is on BMs insurance, glasses, etc. Like He completely forgets that check he writes every month. 

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JRI's picture

Count your blessings if BM pays for half of anything.  Our BM paid zero and DH paid for everything you mention.  Then all 3 kids moved in full time.

Rags's picture

We had the other problem. The Spermidiot never payed a Cent.  His parents paid all of his 16+ years of CS obligation to my DW for SS.  Though it was a pittance for 10 years.  We did attempt to get them to pay for half of extracurriculars.  Nope, the Judge gave us clarity that CS, regardless the pittance it may be, is the NCPs entire obligation for supporting their kid.  Unless there are other support elements addressed in the CO.  

Interestingly, even when the Judge who issued the CO is pushed to hold a violating side accountable, they have no obligation to enforce the order that they issued.  In addition to the pittance in CS, the SpermClan was ordered to pay for their half of visitation travel costs (each party was required to bear the cost of transporting the Skid to their location), and half of all medical related expenses not covered by insurance.

They never paid a Cent.  The Judge told us to take them to small claims court if we wanted out money.  Another nail in the coffin of my considering that an insane number of Judges and sadly even lawyers, have to come from the bottom 10% or even lower echelons of the legal "profession". So, to keep legal action open as an option, we bill them twice a year with a long spreadsheet of every bill, a copy of every bill, and added penalties and interest.  

We likely will never take cation.  However, if they ever again get shitty with SS, it will be game on to the tune of $10K+.

They hate when they get the bill.  Though it has been quite a while, SpermGrandHag used to call and whine to DW to let it go, asking why she keeps bringing up the past, how it is not fair that they might have to pay so much money, etc...  Interestingly, is that the bill goes to the Hag and to the Spermidiot.  Hag gets upset about it. Not one peep out of Spermidiot.  The lawsuit, if it happens, will be entirely focused on him. He will cry to mommy and try to get her to pay it.  If we get there, I hope that SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa make him hold the outcome entirely without their checkbook. 

Nea

CastleJJ's picture

I thankfully do not have this problem. DH pays monthly child support exactly to the cent which it is ordered and half of all uninsured medical expenses (again as ordered). He does not pay for any extras.

DH used to pay half of things like sports, school field trips, etc. because BM used to guilt him that "it's what real parents do," incinuating that if DH didn't pay, he wasn't a real parent to SS11.5. In 2019, our attorney scolded DH for paying all the extras, because BM was literally using sports and extracurriculars to overschedule SS and interfere with DH's ability to get additional long distance visitation. BM told the judge that because SS was so busy with sports, he couldn't visit more, and it wasn't fair to SS to miss out on his sports and the judge agreed.

So, DH told BM that he would continue to pay for half of sports/extracurriculars only if they made the agreement that all sports had to be agreed upon and discussed beforehand and if they could not agree, SS would not be enrolled or BM would have to eat the entire cost. DH was hoping it would force BM to enroll in a reasonable number of sports/extracurriculars. BM didn't want to give up control or have to consult DH on anything, so she lost DH's half of payment. SS is 11.5 and is enrolled in 4 or 5 sports per year plus private tutoring for a foreign language, plus advanced placement math classes. BM continues to add more and more overlapping extracurriculars whenever SS shows even the slightest interest in something. SS is a burned out kid who acts like school and sports are his full time job and he hasn't had a break in 5 years. We feel bad for SS but at least we aren't financially contributing to that shit show anymore. 

We are currently paying for a portion of SS' braces which was ordered by the court. We have 16 more months of payments and should be done by Mayish of 2025. 

Rags's picture

Hopefully the payments on the braces is made directly tot the Endodontist and not to BM.  I would not pay one Cent on anything that would go directly to BM other than CS.  I would pay half of med costs to the med provider and tell BM that if she had already paid for it to get the money from the provider.  

 BM in your world is much my SIL.  My brother's wife. She so overscheduled my niece and two nephews that the kids were always exhausted and stressed.  When they would visit me/us, they would comment how much they loved visiting because our home was so relaxed, and calm. We did a lot of stuff, but it was not all sports, lessons, practices all of the time.  We went on hikes, camping, mountain biking, river swims, fossil hunting, rock climbing, etc...  SS was in only one sport or exctacurricular at a time. Usually band.

My brother's kids were in a minimum of 3 things all at once in addition to school.  Until my eldest nephew shut his mom down when he was about 12.  No matter what she signed him up for, if he was not interested, he would not go. Period. Dot.

My SIL tried to make him, my brother stepped in and shut his wife down and let nephew, and the other two kids, know that their extracurriculars were up to them going forward. burt if they started a sport, etc... they had to finish it.  The change was that my SIL could not just load up the kids with the things she mandated.  

The more strucure my brother injected on he and his DW discussing kid activities, before my SIL loaded the kids up,  the happier they all got. Including my brother and his wife.

Lillywy00's picture

Yes!

My ex Disneyland dad was so gullible and willfully obtuse that he had the audacity to not only pay his beastly breeder regularly for child support but he also drove all over the city at his failed former families last minute random beck n call remote errand bitch pinging service(waste of time + gas money) during HER parenting times, paid health insurance, remote pinging devices/remote pinging devices monthly service plans/, morning and afternoon school carpools during HER parenting times, dentist and doctor appointment during HER parenting times and more....

Then felt "guilty" because the breeder had them during the week. Like "you dumb fool that's what that c*nt is supposed to do and with you running all over town (during her parenting times) like a chicken with its head cut off ... your dumb ass is probably paying her while you do way more than 50% of the load which is NOT what you agreed to in that parenting plan" 

 

To top it off this idiot erroneously thought that I was going to let his breeder drop her loud/messy/disrespectful kids off at my peaceful home (the woman she didn't want her ferals around) every Friday night immediately after I got off work while she had her kid-free weekend started early in Fridays and while he worked overtime but didn't bring any of that overtime money into our household 

I told him NO I will not be responsible for your kids while you work + overtime every Friday night....you better DEMAND that exwife take care of those kids until you get off work like you're paying her child support money to do!

You better get ALL your child support moneys worth out of that beastly breeder ... or else!!!!

Rags's picture

While we were the CP side and DW got CS for 16+ years, the SpermClan was so scummy that they would steal the travel money we would give SS when he was heading to SpermLand for visitation.  They would take it from him, use it to pay for family lunches, fill gas tanks, etc.... Then.... debit cards.

Diablo

We set up a card that allowed us to charge it and take the money away remotely and instantly.  So, as soon as SS would land in SpermLand and text us that SpermGrandHag had pulled up to pick him up, we would drain his debit card.  

The rageing banshee calls from SpermGrandHag when she would fill her tank or try to pay for lunch for her, SS, and the three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs only to have the charges declined stranding her at gas stations, or restaurants until SpermGrandPa could come pay so she and the kids could leave were so much fun!!!!

Interestingly, SS never reminded the Hag that his card would not work. He knew that his mom would purge any available money from his debit card. as soon as he landed in SpermLand, and would recharge his card as soon as he went through security at the airport.  SpermGrandHag would always act surprised and enraged.  "That is the money we give hin CS!!!!!"  Nope Hag, the pittance of $110/mo for a year then $133/mo for 9yrs, does not provide for you when SS is in SpermLand. It actually provides shit for nothing because it is such a pittance. Though, her rage grew much larger when CS went up to $785/mo for 2 years then down to $385 for 4yrs.  Still, no money she could access on SS's debit card.  Rage, rage, rage, rage, rage.  SS would just ignore her forcing her to call DW when the Hag went banshee about it.  SS learned to not tolerate her/their toxic crap and would call them on it, tell them that his travel money was not theirs, then when she would try to rage at him, he would take his three younger half sibs and walk away letting SpermGrandHag call DW to rage, then call SpermGrandPa to cry and force him to come pay for the tank of gas or meal that she and all 4 of her GKs had eaten.  Part of the full legal, financial, and public (humiliating) consequences we forced her/them to live when they were toxic.  Basically, don't try to steal the Skid's travel money, don't get stranded at the gas station or restaurant.

Pardon

Ha!

Diablo

Dirol

 

RockyRoads's picture

I get the running for sure. And since the kids don't stay with us anymore we don't even have "set " nights. This means SO thinks it is free reign and he should be able to run whenever they call without me getting upset.  He jumps at any opportunity to see them. I wish I could be happy about that but I am not because there is zero respect for him .And it also makes more communication between him and BM and I can't stand it. 

Rags's picture

Because daddy is ball-less. 

This is so sad.  For the Skids, and for their father.

We never once attempted to deny SS visitaiion with the SpermClan.  We also would not allow them to take advantage of us or of SS.  Our position was to protect SS.  That meant that we enforced the CO to the letter.  Not because we were interfering in SS's relationship with the SpermClan.  Sadly is was because hof how toxic they were.

Even now, 13+ yeaers after SS turned 18 and aged out from under the CO we encourage him to reach out to them.  They make no effort, he makes even less effort.  But we do regularly encourage him to reach out.

Yesterdays's picture

And if I remember correctly he doesn't have a court order? Our court order  defines how much is paid for out of pocket medical benefit insurance, sports, child care,  post secondary, etc. In Canada these are referred to as Section 7 expenses and are shared between parents in addition to child support 

Even if he did have an agreement he probably would just pay whatever because he doesn't want to heaven forbid cause waves... The order is only helpful if its enforced and followed 

And its obvious he just pays whatever... An overabundance of sports. Contributing to some of these costs is normal in a lot of cases but SO is just an open bank by the sound of it with no boundaries and all these batting lessons and costly out of town tournaments ... It all sounds very crazy 

 

 

 

RockyRoads's picture

They don't have a court order he only has in writing what he pays for child support every month.  Since they don't have anything else in writing I get that he contributes but he over does it forgetting that he has already given her money.  And  it is definitely over done with the sports. Neither bio has the money or time for it. 

ESMOD's picture

I know your situation is somewhat extreme with the amount of time and money he throws at his kids EC activities. 

BUT..

Child support often does NOT cover the things you are talking about.. medical.. extra curricular sports.. and other sundry items.

Child Support generally is intended to cover the basic needs of the child.. housing.. basic clothing.. food.. utilities.. transportation... it may not even cover child care.. depending upon how it is determined.

Now.. your situation is also potentially different because we don't know WHAT he is paying in CS (I mean..  you do.. but we don't).. and we don't know if it is appropriate or sufficient if it were to be guaged against your state's calculator taking into the fact that his EX appears to have the majority of the custody of both kids.

It is quite normal for a CO to dictate that each parent pay a percent of any out of pocket medical costs.. sports expenses.. and the split might not even be "even".. So.. because he just paid her money.. that money was for groceries.. electric bill.. towards vehicle costs.. and housing the two kids... when she asks for money for most of the other things.. that is theoretically normal.

What isn't normal (or shouldn't be).. is parents bankrupting themselves and spending every waking minute of their lives wrapped around their children's lives.  The sheer number of special (expensive) sports your "averagely talented" and "marginally motivated" SS is ridiculous.. especially when his academic progress seems lackluster.

The problem is that your DH can't stand up to his son.. or his EX to tell them that all these activites are throwing good money after bad.. that it's not good for the kid to be so over scheduled and that his grades need to come up.  But.. I think your husband LIKES the fact that his kid is in all these travel ball sports.. he may complain to you about the logistics.. but I think somehow.. some part of him is proud of his son for doing it all...

I don't think his EX is money grabbing for hte sake of money grabbing.. the activities they are in are expensive.. and medical is what it is.. but if the two parents cannot afford to support this level of participation.. someone needs to be the adult and put the brakes on it.

RockyRoads's picture

I know I have said this before. I really wish they would have gone back to court. Since he is such an OCD type of person if it was spelled out to him it probably would have helped him to see what he actually needed to be spending and also to see what it means to be a NCP.    And I know he loves the fact SS is playing so many sports because this is all he has with him,but this year the travel team really got to him. I can tell he is pissed about the time and money. But since the fact is him and the ex live to please SS neither one of them will stop it.  They think they Co-parent well and they don't. Neither one even parents. 

Lillywy00's picture

I agree that I think extracurriculars should be ironed out in the court order too. 
 

One thing I hated was having this beastly b*tch called every damn day begging for money like girl get off your back (or heck if you are on your back you need to be getting paid for it) so you can adequately provide for those kids you chose to birth into this world. 
 

I was tolerant of household money going out to another woman TO AN EXTENT. If I'm not being treated fairly and none of the money is coming to me/my household as the new partner/spouse then I'll be way more of a money grubbing vulcher than the layaway plan pr0stitute and don't dare ask me to be responsible for those kids you get paid child support to take care of!

 

When Disneyland parenting out of this world expectations  fail and the math ain't mathin'

strugglingSM's picture

When I met DH, BM would just give him a handwritten list with an "amount" he owed her each month and he would pay it. There was never any proof of purchase or anything, just her word. I asked him why he was doing it and told him he should ask for receipts. She lost her mind then sent pictures of checks that had not been cashed and one was written out to the wrong name (easily verifiable), so it couldn't have been cashed. She then refused to pay for whatever DH signed the kids up for, saying they didn't have agreement, so DH said that was fine, he would also only pay for things he agreed to. She used sports to disrupt DH's scheduled time as well. And neither skid was super interested in anything. 

Then, because BM wanted to say she was paying for health insurance so she could get extra CS from DH, she had her lawyer add language to a revised agreement saying she would cover all the health costs. Then she tried to come back to DH to cover braces for second skid (first skid had braces that we paid for part of). DH pointed her back to the agreement. She replied, "you're just trying to ruin me!" even though it was her lawyer who added the language. Then second skid never got braces. 

Now, she's coming at DH for money for "college", even though she makes at least $400K a year (more than DH and I combined) and neither kid is really capable of going to college (or has any interest). It's February of senior year and neither one really knows what they plan to do next year. And we're not supposed to ask about school, because when we did, we were "just trying to make BM look bad!" or "just trying to make Skids feel bad!" according to BM. 

RockyRoads's picture

I hope I am out of this relationship soon because SD will be a senior this year.  Even though SO and I have talked about it and what he would give SD I know that will change. He will cave and I can see him taking money from Retirement fund or taking out a loan.  He cannot afford it but it can see it happening.  I don't want to be around for it. Too bad there isnt  something that can be In writing that says SOs will not put themselves and their partners into the poorhouse for the previous family.