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Why do we need to "vent"?

robinray's picture

I am a stepmother of 5 children varying in age from 15 to 27. When I first came into their lives the youngest was 6 and the oldest was 19. During my tenure as a stepmom I have encountered all manner of situations. I have started visiting step parenting sites because I am in the process of writing a book for step mothers. I am curious about the focus of many of these forums. It seems that the focus is on "venting", relieving stress, dealing with out of control people, and various other issues that do not focus upon the person typing.

I have found that all of the situations I've encountered while being a step mom have basically revolved around my own need for growth. What I mean by this is we create our own world that brings to us the tests and challenges which we need. I have always looked to my step kids as my teachers. While there is no question in our home about who is the adult I allow them to challenge me in many ways. I have found my participation in the human world to be a much richer experience because of the difficulties I have dealt with being a step mom.

I am curious about anyone else out there that might have a different view of this family dynamic or have different experiences. Let me hear from you.

Comments

Caitlin's picture

I don't need to vent about my stepdaughter; she's lovely and we have a wonderful relationship. I come here to vent about her mentally ill, jealous, insecure, vindictive mother who has done such vile things to alienate her daughter from us that she has driven her to several suicide attempts. The child is 11 years old and putting a carving knife to her chest and trying to leap from a fourth story window.

I came here because I was so frustrated at being helpless to the whims of a madwoman. She tries to control our lives and when we don't let her succeed, she throws a terrible tantrum and hurts everyone in the process. While my situation is unique and extreme, I share many many similar experiences with the people on this site. I come here for advice and support and to share my advice and support whenever I can.

While you say that your experiences have revolved around your own need for growth, my experiences have revolved around my need to learn how to deal with an irrational and unreasonable person who is out to get us at all costs. That's why the focus is on venting and relieving stress in my personal experience.

Also, I think if step-living were problem-free, we wouldn't seek out others in similar situations on sites like this. What would be the point, when we can share our joys with the people we know - friends, family, neighbors, coworkers. We come here because our friends, family, neighbors and coworkers don't understand and can't offer the same level of support as others who are going through the same issues. So we found some online friends to vent with. And believe me, we bond and commiserate over the difficult things, but we come to share the joys of step-parenting from time to time too!

I don't think I speak only for myself when I say that this site has been a godsend. Everyone here has helped me through a really hard time these past few months and I really don't think I could've made it through without them!

robinray's picture

I agree with your assessment of step parents needing a place in which to offer up their experiences in a format that allows others to join in and ultimately validate another's experience. We all need a place where we can feel safe and derive valuable information.

What I am proposing is that we are responsible for what we feel and how we react. While my situation involves an ex who creates issues in our lives we have worked diligently with the kids on their interior lives. I think your situation is a very very difficult one with which I have no experience. I am interested in discussing each step parents growth due to the challenges presented by the people, all of them, within a step family.

Thank you for your comments and I truly hope that you can all navigate these stormy waters successfully. Kudos on hanging in there!

tiff's picture

I agree with you. I think we need this site and sites like it. I know it allows me to keep my composure and take the high road with BM. This site allows us to vent to others in similar positions and recieve advice. I know I have a wonderful relationship with my stepdaughters since they have lived with me more than their own mother. She just saw them for the first time in 2 yrs last sunday. However I am constantly reciving the comments and jealous filled actions from BM. I know my SD's will have a tremendous respect for me when they are older because of the restraint I showed. It is also providing them with a good infulence. It may be hard to bite my tounge, but I have found I rather come out with a bleeding tounge than in anyway stoop down to her level. This site has helped me take the high road and I feel it will be better for my stepdaughters if I do. Thank you all for sharing your stories and giving advice- and I hope to see your book soon Good Luck and thank you again!!!

stamina's picture

I share your perspective! I have learned a lot from the trials and tribulations of step parenting AND I have also learned equally from the trials and tribulations of parenting my own children. With time comes a lot of understanding. It becomes more about my experience, my ability to cope and have clarity with situations that occur and less about who is to blame, who is right/wrong, vindication, control, etc. It has been a LONG TIME coming but I finally realize that with step parenting, I did have a choice to get into this and have choices in staying. Venting is important but I am concerned about the impact of focusing every day on the horrors of life as a step parenting (mostly about the biomoms and sks), and how that allows us to move on with our lives in a positive way. Why are we surprised that there are sks and biomoms in the equation...they were always there, we just see them differently after the rose coloured glasses come off and we proceed with living our lives.

Thanks for your observations.

robinray's picture

I love your username. Thank you for your kind words. You are getting to the heart of the matter, as I see it. We all made choices, that really is all life is about a succession of choices. I believe that we also choose how we feel. No one can "make" us feel a certain way. The blame game is a generous exercise in futility. A dialogue that only represents the negative issues in one's life reflects a larger thought base that spends a great deal of time in these nether worlds. Deep dark places to be sure. I have found it interesting that when I am in a somber place I look at the people in my life from that perspective as well. Nothing might have changed from the preseding day however, my view of it takes on a "looking through the glass darkly" feel. It is then, when I recognize that I am the one viewing this differently, in my opinion, the growth starts. I can only control myself. My goal is to be the rock upon which the waters pound and it stands tall. These challenges give me the opportunity to test myself and ultimately grow. Thank you for your support...bonding with people from a positive place allows a more clear discussion of the negative issues we all have. Just one girl's opinion.

stamina's picture

Your comments are absolutely perfect! That is absolutely what I believe...bonding from a positive place makes us stronger and more positive and HAPPIER! I can definitely see that in my own life and wow it makes such a difference! In step parenting there are frustrating events, annoying stuff, things about my spouse's reactions that bother me...but these situations were always present even before we married. The only thing that changes with time is my own perspective and experience of these situations! How absolutely frustrating, yet enlightening, it was to discover this! So in the end, the only perspective that I can change is my own. To keep on talking negatively about the same old stuff day after day doesn't do much except validate my own negativity and my own perspective. I would love to hear the biomom's perspective in many of the situations. If only we could understand that our spouse's got divorced as we did, not because their ex's were evil, but because together they both made mistakes that ultimately led to the destruction of the relationship. We both accept responsibility, LEARN FROM IT, choose not to make the same mistakes (we often err in this aspect of new relationships) and move on with our lives. Too often people move on too raw, too soon, too angry, too wounded, ...this is what I have found in my work with people in second time around relationships.

bothbioandstepmom's picture

Although I fundamentally agree with the point you are making in that we ourselves and only ourselves are the owners of our feelings and reactions, I do feel that people who come here are looking to others to help them discover things within themselves to assist them in developing coping mechanisms; perhaps helping them to see something they have overlooked or something within their own experiences that has helped them form their own strategies. Reaching out to help from others is the very first step in overcoming adversity, be it with addictions, out of control situations, or anything that presents itself as an obstacle in life. And if it is perceived as "venting", well, so be it. One cannot grow without first identifying the issues with which one needs help, and with other's responses and input can decide to act or not to act accordingly.

Gwen's picture

I spend 99.9% of my second wife/stepmother life being positive, taking action based on deeply held values, and growing as a person based on the experiences I'm having as a second wife/stepmother. In order to keep doing that, I need a place to get out the very human (and I think very rational) negative emotions and reactions. That allows me to see the big picture, so I can keep doing the right thing. That's why I vent here. I don't feel ashamed of those negative feelings, any more than I feel ashamed of my bodily functions. I don't think that the feelings are unhealthy; it's only when I start basing my choices and actions on those negative feelings that they become unhealthy. When negative feelings can be expressed in a safe and supportive environment, it makes for a strong person. That's why so many folks go to therapy.

sosmomof6's picture

Venting to me is one way to cope with and ultimately grow from the situation, because I would never let SS sense that I do not like his mother, and I do not communicate with her, as she doesn't allow it. I think this board is a wonderful place to let off steam, get feedback and ideas from others, and approach the problem at a clearer and more level-headed manner. I, as others, have no issues whatsoever with my SS, it is problems with his mother. And I agree, I choose how to respond to her and cannot affect her actions. However, I think it helps us SM's to have a safe place after getting emotional and mental abuse from BM's who cannot see the opportunity to bond over their child(ren).

I think it's a great idea that you are working on this book, robin Smile

Anne 8102's picture

I'm not sure I am following what you are trying to say. I'm reading this comment - "and various other issues that do not focus upon the person typing" - and getting the sense that your purpose is to "enlighten us" to the possibility that we have created this insanity ourselves and that we should be looking inwardly when placing blame for the situations in which we find ourselves. Basically, you appear to be saying that stepmothers needing to "vent" do so because we are creating stressful situations for ourselves or not dealing well with our individual situations. Hmmm. If that is, indeed, what you are saying, then the most respectful thing I can say in response is that I vehemently disagree.

Also, I feel that personal growth is something that everyone should aspire to regardless of their marital or parenting status. I have certainly grown as a parent from parenting my three stepchildren, but probably more so from parenting my own two children. However, I think I would have achieved growth whether I was married or not and regardless of having had children. I would have just grown in a different direction. Every single day that we live and are conscious, we learn a little and grow a little. And yes, I did create a world in which I married a man with a vindictive, hostile ex-wife and three children, but I did not create a world in which it is okay for vindictive, hostile ex-wives to use their children to hurt their former spouses. That's like saying a woman who shows a little cleavage deserves to be raped or a child walking home alone from school deserves to be kidnapped. Choosing to marry a man and becoming a stepmother to his children doesn't equate to choosing to be a target for his ex-wife's hostility for the rest of my life.

You know, I don't live my life the way I do BECAUSE OF my stepchildren's biological mother. It's closer to the truth to say that I live my life the way I do IN SPITE OF her. Because I have refused to take the bait and fight with her, because I have refused to let her steal my happiness and because I have refused to let her decide how MY family will function. I have refused to let her treatment of me affect how I treat her children, whom I happen to love dearly and for whom I have sacrificed much. I'll never say that I am blameless, because I am only human, but I will say that my need to vent isn't because I originated this mess.

For me, coming to this site is a way to dump the negativity so that I can be the bigger person that I need to be to get through the hassles she throws our way and to be calm in helping my husband deal with it. It's also a way to get advice, because sometimes it's hard to think straight when you are upset. I think we also seek company, as in "misery loves company," because sometimes this can be an isolating situation and it is helpful beyond words just to have someone who's also been there offer you comfort. Some of us can't get that anywhere else, because we don't know anyone else in our particular situation.

I would also like to point out that this isn't the only place or reason that people vent. People vent about relationships, work problems, problems with in-laws, problems with an abusive or addicted spouse... for the love of God, there are places online to go vent about anything and everything that makes you angry! So why shouldn't stepparents have their own place to vent and why is venting a bad thing?! Or are we supposed to be striving for some special Stepparents' Nirvana, where we feel no anger, feel no pain, feel no rejection and blithely turn the other cheek when we are unfairly attacked?

I had to have misunderstood something, I just had to have. Someone please clear this up for me.

~ Anne ~

robinray's picture

I'm not actually making a statment. Rather I posed a question for which I wanted general comments. I'm sorry that you took my inquiry as an indictment of people who vent. But, if we are going to talk about venting then there are a few items which come immediately to mind for me. I am in complete agreement that talking with someone in order to obtain useful information is an invaluable tool. However, I've seen,(in all of the examples you cite) a tendancy for "venting" to turn into a less than productive use of time. As a human being the most difficult thing for all of us is change. Which brings me to my second thought about this; if change is so very difficult for us as a species then why is it that when we ask others to change to benefit ourselves we are shocked at their inability to do so? I don't see individual situations as different from that of a step parent. I am not stating that step moms create the situations but I am saying that the way they choose to deal with them is absolutely in their realm of responsibility.

Growth is a personal choice. The only reason that I am focused upon the step family is because that is what this forum is about. Using all of the elements of our lives to further our own enlightenment is key, in my opinion. In this case I am speaking of the step family.

I too believe that "living well is the best revenge". In this case I use the quote as originally written, although I would re-phrase striking the word revenge as it conjures only a negative mindset. You wrote about rape...while no woman encites rape...it is in how she deals with the event afterwards that matters in her life. That is my point: you cannot control anything other than your actions, reactions and emotions.

Maybe it is important for me to tell you a little about myself. I too, look to other people for relief. However, I seem to approach this from a different avenue than most people. When I examine my life I realize that there are questions I have. Engaging in conversation with specific questions in mind allows me to move beyond my own anger or other emotion and try to see what is actually going on. My goal is to try and understand another person's point of view then try to ascertain why I'm reacting the way I am. This allows me a clarity to make a, hopefully, wise decision.

Please understand that I have no pre-judgement about other's behaviors. One of my working mottos is "people tend to do what people tend to do". My intention was to inspire conversation about a topic with which I am concerned. I am not criticizing anyone here for participating on whatever level rather I am interested in hearing different viewpoints.

Hopefully this helps.

Anne 8102's picture

But I'm still not 100% sure what exactly you are asking. Are you asking why we vent? Or are you asking what positive steps we have taken to adapt to negative situations? Or is it that you want us to comment on the idea of taking venting past the point of stress-relief to something more toxic, like obsessing? You're probably going to need a ball pein hammer to get this into my head, it's been a long day. Wink

~ Anne ~

robinray's picture

I don't have a ball pein hammer (btw:I don't think I've ever seen that written...wouldn't have known how to spell pein..made me laugh)and I would not use one if I did. I'm suggesting that venting sometimes is not the best use of dialogue with others who are in similar situations. Getting things off your chest is a healthy beginning but the real growth is taking what you've learned and applying it. The only real change can occur once you've gotten everything out of your head and taken a really good look at it..then it's time for action. Obsessing about anything is another exercise in futility. We have approximately 40,000 thoughts that go through our heads on a daily basis. Of those only about 2% are original thoughts. Roiling a situation around and around in your head will never resolve an issue, at least that is not how it has worked for me in my life. It has always taken a very real action from me to make a lasting positive change in my life. Sometimes the best action is non-action. Having said all this I try to move through my life, which my family is a large part, with an open mind, self discipline and a lot of love. This makes my experience of the negative a much more educative process for me. Does this help? If not I can go get some sort of hardware implement??? (I too have had those days!) Have a great one today!

sosmomof6's picture

That might provide more insight into the "venting" issue~ I'm sure many of us feel that alot of things with the Bio-Moms are an "exercise in futility". We may feel we have truly gotten a great outlook on things, only to find that Bio-Mom will still shoot us down because of spite,malice, jealousy etc. In those cases, the issues never get resolved, at least not directly with the BM's. I think that's why alot of us vent~ as a way to get out frustration because we realize there is no action that can be taken to stop BM's negative actions. As in the example of a rape victim~ no, it isn't healthy to be wrapped up in that day after day, but I think it's only natural for a rape victim to have an occasional outburst of emotion over the fact. This board is our outlet Smile

Anonymous's picture

Comparing the outburst of emotion experienced by a rape victim problem isn't the best analogy to step parenting. We as step parents enter this relationship willingly...often eagerly, knowing the good, the bad and the ugly and knowing that there is a biomom alive and kicking! We can make assumptions about why biomom does what she does but it more not be any more accurate than her assumption of why we do what we do OR why we are with the men that we are with as well. Bottom line is...we can't do anything about all of this, but we can control our own response or if it is intolerable, remove ourselves from the situation. We always, always have a choice in our situations. Yes emotions are normal and spontaneous and we have no control over them but what we do with these emotions and how they control our behaviour is totally within our domain of control. That is nothing to do with biomom, sks, step in laws, outlaws or anything else.

robinray's picture

Thank you so much for your comments. It is really great to receive a variety of opinions on this. It really helps me understand not only others positions but puts mine in perspective as well.

Thanks again. Please keep adding to my blog as this information is truly invaluable to me. I appreciate your input.

Enuffsenuff's picture

I have lived on both sides. I've dealt with my children's Step mom and I am now a step mom dealing with my skids birth mother. What I have found in most divorced situations is one of two things. Either you get along or you don't--and it seems in most cases you don't.

I get along well with my X's new wife. We communicate and work together--always have. So when I met my BF I thought it would be the same. Then out of the wood work came this jealous, crazy, women from his past. I took her blows, her rage, her constant interference into the life my BF and I were trying to make together. All the while careful not to overstep my bounderies--always trying to remember that she is the mother of my skids and that while I can be a positive and major influence in their lives--I will never be their "mother". I am fine with that--So why isn't she?

Venting is a natural and healthy way to communicate stress and frustrations. I don't know very many people who do not vent at times. Comeing here to vent offers a safe haven in which to lay it all out on the table.

Sometimes when I'm faced with situations that upset me I just need to talk about it. Sometimes just writing a page here about it helps--even if there is no reply needed. It's not a lack of inward focus. On the contrary--it's coming to terms with what you are feeling inwardly. Before I found this site I often would take a notebook out on the front porch and spend a good hour or two with a cup of coffee just writing down my feelings, frustrations, anxiety etc. When I was done I would read the whole thing again and then throw it away. Why? Because it helped me to come to terms with what was going on within me. It helped me think of ways to solve the issue at hand. It made me "feel" better. It is the same when I post here. The only difference is there are others who "feel" as you do. Many times I have found advice here that truly worked in solving a situation I was dealing with. Other times I still had to figure it out on my own.

I agree we can choose how we react to others. However when your daily life is full of negative input from someone outside--like the x spouse--it makes it difficult to stay focused on the positive. Certainly you see plenty of negitive, somber situtations here, but that is not to say that we are obsessed with these issues--only that we deal with these issues often. It's also true that you are only getting a portion of our lives here. There is plenty of good that comes with blended families and being a step parent--but you don't need support or advice on what is already working.

My focus has never been on changing my BF's X. It's only been on changing how we deal with her so that we can have some peace in our life. We choose to ignore her because she feeds off drama. There is never positive communication with her. It mostly ends with her screaming and yelling at one of us. So we ignore her and only talk when absolutely nesassary. This keeps her drama out of our life.

I believe, as many others have also voiced, that the main focus in a blended family has to be the couples relationship. The children did not bring my BF and I together, nor did our X spouses. Our intial attraction to one another, our shared mutual intrests and love, that is what brought us together. I believe that is also what will hold us together.

It's not easy becoming a step parent, but part of growing is trial and error. I learn from every experience in my life. I learn from the experience of others just as often. I leave this site feeling better, not worse. I do not get a negative feed from the posts I read here. I just understand and am understood and that in itself is a positive thing. If I had it all figured out, I would have never run across this site in the first place. I found Step TalK because I was in search of answers to aid in the situations that I had never been in before.

robinray's picture

What I am understanding from all of these posts is that we all need a place where we can be heard. I realize that in my own life it is necessary for me just to be heard from time to time. When others chime in and validate my experience the sense of community is greatly enhanced. It makes me feel like I belong. Isn't that what we all want anyway? To belong. Additionally, receiving information that is from "the horses mouth", so to speak, validates that I am not the only person out here experiencing these situations. It again creates that sense of not being alone with all of this.

Thank you all for your comments!

chicken little's picture

Some of us find that we are alone raising a family and respect others boundaries and do not feel comfortable running to family for help. In the mean time we need to talk to get it out. I try to take as much stress off my husband and I know if I run to him each time his ex wife upsets me it only drives a wedge between us. So where do we turn. A counselor. Yes tried that. But really where? I find that I was able to open up to talk and it simply took a small burden off my shoulders for one moment.A little moment till the feelings return but at least I feel like someone may listen and offer up advice. Sad to say but when we are so consumed with our little ones sometimes ourselves fall short. Venting helps us maybe get a little understanding that someone may get what we are trying to get across and simpathize. A little "yeah you are right" is nice from time to time.

happy's picture

I come here to vent because I really do not want to go to family members, or people who have no clue what I am going thru. So its like I have all these people on here who help me thru difficult times and it helps me look at things differently sometimes and sometimes makes me realise I am just being immature or a bitch.
I like to share my opinion too. Sometimes I have an opinion that helps and sometimes I don't. I think though for me personally its something that I need to help me cope with things.
I have been in relationships before with kids and my kids and never had to deal with a kid or kids treating me the way my steps have. My SK are challenging in ways I never experienced..
That is just my view.. I am like addicted to this site. LOL
Happy
It therapy for me..