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Let's talk about the bedroom

robinray's picture

First of all I'm not interested in talking about the details of anyone's sex life. I would like to talk about how, in this very complicated life we all seem to be living, you work out time to be with your significant other for intimate time. (Not just bedroom gymnastics)

This is a challenge for myself. Finding time to just sit and enjoy one another's company has become an event which requires its own schedule in our home. For me this is a huge challenge as I do not have my own children and have never had to work around anyone else's schedule.

I would love to hear how some of you deal with this problem in creative ways. Or if you've hit a wall what have you tried prior to coming to the place where you presently are. If this an issue which only I am experiencing then I'd like to know that as well.


OldTimer's picture

is that I have no idea how this correlates to you writing a book about step parenting, yet you are interested in 'understanding' what is going on in the bedroom... sex aside though.

Um, I'm sorry, but you know what, these "step" men and women are dealing with the same issues that any quote on quote "NORMAL" biological two parent home has to deal with too. It's the same course and process, dealing with children anyone would deal with, finding the time, or not finding the time. How they interact with one another is simply quite the same as any two parents who are not step parents.

So, forgive me if I don't respond to your posts entirely and seem blunt, but I just don't see how this has anything to do with 'STEP PARENTING'. The SAME issues come up with biological parents too.

I want to know, are you a qualified psychologist, psychiatrist, or sociologist? If you are, that's great. If you're not, hmm, I find it interesting. I just don't see how you can ever form a true, fair, accurate unbiased opinion based on reading these posts in a forum or several forums. For one thing, me for example, you will NEVER get the true facts of my story, since for
1. I am only speaking from my own personal experience and perspective.
2. My husband is not here speaking on his behalf, and
3. The BM is not speaking from her perspective, and
4. The child himself is not here with his opinion.

So, forgive me if I offend, but I just don't see how this correlates.

BIOMOM's picture

But what I find funny is how everyone must have felt when I just "showed up" here, being only a bio. I remember one gal saying "What I don't understand is that you come here and share your insight, yet I hear enough about insight from the biomom I have to deal with, why would I want to hear yours too?" LMFAO.....

..... But as I look back on my older posts, the anonymous ones before I registered, I realize that I didn't question you gals, just shared my feelings, insecurities, fears, jealousy, etc.

When someone new shows up and just starts asking questions, I feel like I should say...."Do I get to make my one phone call first?"

..... Perhaps that is what is not quite sitting right with us... It's the questioning as though we are, uh, being what? Judged? Manipulated? Or maybe we are just a little suspicious, no?

I think for me, my back is always up. Always curious as to why someone needs the intimates, yet shares nothing... whaddaya think StepMom?


OldTimer's picture

I'm looking at it from a personal psychological view... I just don't see how it correlates. To me, it's quite apparent that yes, like BIOMOM says, it's fishing for information. It's quite apparent. So, I think I'll pass the buck. I'm not here to fill someone else's 'book' for which I won't get any royalties from. I'm hear to share, learn and discover... which is only human and being a step parent or biological parent, we're all doing the same in life.

h6not3's picture

Gosh, I feel like the aweful one here, but I just don't get some of these blogs in the past 24 hours.....

I'm just feeling a little weird about this one.....

Have a good day!


h6not3's picture

If I think too much about it....I start to get this weird feeling that BM has found this site or someone elses, and they are trying to get info. See! it's aweful, but that's what BM has done to me and my feelings that I can't trust her..

Wow...ok, i'm going to stop thinking!


stamina's picture

Try not to write information that explicitly identifies you. As well, if you are writing about your own personal feelings, that won't have much of an impact on her. However, if you are providing judgment or making assumptions about why someone does something, yes that could be an issue. It is easy enough for anyone to find this site. Personally I don't care if my ex or my husband's ex finds this site as I don't say anything that a) would identify who I am or b) say anything that I wouldn't say personally.

Enuffsenuff's picture

Well at first I replied with how me and my sweety find time alone. Then I read the other blog from this same person and began to feel like the intentions are not to offer support and advice relavent to our situations--but to fish for personal info. That is why I erased my comment above.

Then I think of Anne who recently aplogized for one of her entries because of it's content. I honestly was not offended by her posting and felt bad that she felt the need to apologize for posting what she had--ANNE I THINK YOU ARE GREAT BY THE WAY.!

Then I find robinray here and read her inquizative posts and wonder really--is this any different then Anne posting what she did? To me this is entirely more offensive because it doesn't pertain to our situations in the least.

What does how we find intimate time with our significant other have to do with BM/SM situations, skids or blended families. Nothing IMO .

SympatheticBioDad's picture

Anne's apology was sarcastic. I didn't consider it serious at all. She was obviously and understandably upset that she was mistakenly asked to remove a blog post because it was thought to be SPAM. Anne was the only one to label it offensive. I'm sure everyone has read Dawn's apology to Anne and that she's been asked to repost it if she likes.

From what I've seen Dawn has had to spend a lot of time dealing with SPAM posts and approving anonymous comments. As far as I know, this was her first mistake (or her husbands from what I read) that I've noticed. Give her a break.

As for robinray, she has clearly indicated that she is here to gather ideas for a book she is writing. It has to do with stepparents. She stated up front what her intent is. As a matter of fact, she could have chose to sit back and troll this site, without asking questions and gather ideas. Nothing stopping her there and there's nothing wrong with that as long as she follows the copyright laws. If you don't want to help her don't answer her posts. Wink Don't forget that this site is completely public. Anything you post here is readable by anyone in the world. People will read and analyze what you post.

As far as I've seen, ronbinray hasn't advertised her book or tried to sell or promote anything. That would be against this site's terms of use. She's just asking questions. You don't have to answer. Smile


h6not3's picture

Well said.....

I'm still suffering from that shhhhh......PMS thing.;) So I took some offense to some postings here and everyone has a right to post as long as it is in the terms of use. Soooooo...I should have kept my big mouth SHUT!!! LOL.

I'm going to try and not be on the big D (defense) for the rest of today!

Thanks for putting me back into perspective. Smile


stamina's picture

I do believe that what robinray asks about spending quality time with spouse has to do with step parenting. In many relationship, including and especially second marriages, we often don't focus on quality time with our spouses (from discussion with friends and co-workers). There are so many other factors that impede these opportunities in step family situations. It is a very valid question.

BIOMOM's picture

Spending time alone is cannot be about step's plain and simple parenting.....WHO has time alone, anyway????!!! After forget it. Period!


BIOMOM's picture

I really don't think Anne was being sarcastic either, trying to be cute and probably confused too.

No one can appreciate Dawn's efforts more than us. I cannot speak for everyone here, but its amazing how she finds the time to run this site at all. Being a full-time Mom alone has my time pretty much cut to the bone......

I just hope her husband realizes and appreciates everything she does as much as I do! To take on another woman's child and raise him with the severe passion she obviously has for her son is incredible!
I think he need's to take her on a nice romantic vacation...alone..... Wink

AHHHH! Wait, then WHO will run this site.....?? Never mind, I take that back. She couldn't even go to her grandma's a couple of weeks ago without coming back here to a bunch of arguments! LOL!


happy's picture

I am a bio and Stepmom.
So finding time to be with my husband in an "intimate" manner is not very challenging for us. My children go with there father every other weekend. And my step children well the 15 yr old stays with her mom more but she is at our house as well during the week. My husband and I spend a lot of quality time together when our children are at there other bio's home. We fish together, are going to be hunting together next year, we do go out and listen to our friends band so we can be around other adults. I guess its not that hard for us to find time to be alone together. Our bedroom is open to our children daily, the computer is in there but at night when we go to bed that is our place. We relax and talk and laugh and giggle. Its our room then. Being a parent of Bio kids is different in the aspect of they are yours and you can freely discipline and such but as far as "quality time, intimacy" there are no problems there.
Kids are a full time 24/7 job. We all know this whether its step or natural or both together. I guess when you decide what you want with someone that you just live with the way things are. I mean yeah there are moments when you need to just be alone to discuss something whatever but if it cannot be at the very moment then you just hold off until it can be. I think anyways. But our kids are pretty good I mean we have bumps and get bruises and its never been a smooth ride for more then you know a day or so. But we get thru them together. I mean this year alone or well the past 6 months we got married and a week later I quite smoking, and issues with SK and Bio mom and my kids bio father all that comes into play but when all is said and done when we are in our room for the night that is when we talk and have our moments without kids and anybody else.
I guess I can see where if you are just a SM its harder to "schedule that time. but if you look at the big picture. Your life will always revolve around someone else. Unless you are totally single forever. If your in a relationship with someone without kids, even then your life revolves around someone else, you cannot totally have everything your way all the time.
I am not sure if I helped you at all. I just tried to answer your question from my own personal experience..
There is no problem.
Sure our lives our hectic but I would not trade my life in any way.. I love my kids all of them even though I am to young to be going gray and furhter more my husband is my best friend and I love him so our life although is trying many days I would not change..
Happy.. Let me know if I did what you wanted? Or not..

robinray's picture

I find it very interesting that people took so much offense at this question. Maybe further clarification is necessary.

I am a step mom who was never married prior to this marriage nor do I have my own children. I asked this question as it pertains directly to me and my situation. While I understand that you could equate a step couple's relationship to any other relationship, that has not been my experience. One of the largest hurdles my husband and I have had to overcome is finding the time to simply be together. Now, I used "bedroom" as a metaphor not directly relating to those very personal intimacies but rather referring to a sanctuary where the two adults have time to confer with one another and share themselves. But, as regards the bedroom one of the issues for me around the actual bedroom was the idea of having other people wandering about the house and trying to ignore that and focus entirely on my husband. For me this is expressly related to the step family as I've never had to consider the concept of having a connection with my significant other while there are children about. This caused me to become self concious and try to only pick times when the house is still. A challenge considering our schedules. Additionally,(as stated in my earlier posts) my youngest child is 15. So naps, play dates and other suggestions are quite simply not viable once they start having schedules of their own.

While that is one aspect of this issue, from my point of view, the larger problem is that of finding time to be together to just talk about our goals, as a couple. We had to make a concerted effort to sit down and spend time talking about other topics that have nothing to do with the kids or the ex. It became important to us to connect with a more positive conversation than always discussing the challenges with kids and the ex.

Now let me address the personal attacks from above. The user id is my real name. I'm not lurking nor am I presenting myself in a hidden manner. In addition to connecting with people here for what I am writing I am also interested in creative ways others have come up with to deal with some of the situations in my own life. The curious thing is that no one asked me specific questions about my own life, which I am more than willing to share, rather attacking was the first avenue of recourse for some of you. (Not a judgement call rather just a notation about the words above)

I would also like to add that this is just one avenue of research for me. I thought it a fabulous way for me to combine my task at hand as well as connect with others who have something to offer me on a personal level and maybe I might have something to offer them.

Maybe this clears up a few things and if you want more information about me please just ask. I have nothing to hide. My step kids know about this forum and what I'm doing. As a matter of fact they are very supportive about what I'm doing. I see that as their confirmation that I've done more things right than wrong. And boy howdy have I done things wrong.

Thank you all for replying. I like to consider myself in good company with strong women who didn't run away from an extremely arduous undertaking. Ladies...I am your biggest fan!

happy's picture

If you have questions please feel free.
I did not personally take any offense to your post. I was a bit challenged on what to write you. My life personally is like an open book.. Other then Happy is not my real name.. For reasons of this is my place to come where I know who I am and noone else..

You can ask me anything..

BlueberrysBaby's picture

I'm probably way too Machiavellian for my own dam* good, but I have trouble forgetting that my sKids are the result of my husband screwing another woman. :sick: Does that put a damper on our sex life? Absolutely! Last time my SS visited, I was so turned off poor DH thought I was getting it someplace else. I wanted nothing to do with him physically!

And other times alone can also be affected. For a couple starting out with no sKids, you can take the phone off the hook and make out on the couch or just take a nap together. In our house though, without fail, the phone rings when we're about 2 glasses of wine into a nice, romantic evening. It's the BM complaining about her latest fight with SD and wanting DH to jump in and save her... Holidays, birthdays, any day - she doesn't care. In fact, she seems to have a knack for knowing when we're having the best possible time 900 miles away, then she picks up the phone and poops all over it (our good time, not the phone LMAO).

Another example, I'm sure it seems trivial to people with BK's (I think I just made that up, what do you think? bio-kids not Burger Kings Smile ), but I found it annoying. We went to a bar & grille/arcade kind of place (I won't Dave mention the & name Buster's) that we go to a lot and took SS along - he's 14, he had a blast - but when we went to have dinner, the restaurant was SUPER-crowded with over an hour wait for seating. The bar was open however, with plenty of seats and they serve dinner there too. DH and I would think nothing of eating at the bar to avoid the long wait for a table, but in this case, the bartender said "no way, no one under 21 at the bar even with their parents." Like I said, it was just an inconvenience, but when it's not your kid and you haven't had 14 years to get used to the idea, it does put a cramp in your "couple style."

So insofar as step-parents are not always bio-parents and couples with sKids never get the honeymoon/newlywed period that first-time, childless couples get, yes robinray, it can be difficult to have the same quality and quantity of intimate time alone with one's spouse.

Blueberry's Baby

BTW, robinray, I haven't found your questions and/or comments offensive in any way, but they are a tad clinical, dear. I understand you've probably been typing away on your book and it's hard to break out of that mode, but the tone can come off as a bit condescending in a forum such as this. I've given you a total pass though because I love Rachael Ray and your name reminds me of her Biggrin

stamina's picture

I have found your comments to be very refreshing and upbeat! No bashing, slashing, blaming...accountablity and discussion about responsiblity for one's own choices (the only thing we really have control over anyways).

It is very difficult time together as a couple with so many more issues happening in a step family than in a biofamily, especially as someone said, when the kids are older. Sometimes it is just hard getting five minutes of peace and quiet in the house. I really missed that when we got married....there seemed to be always someone at home and I work shift work! The messes multiply, the workload increases, the communication changes and the complexity of the relationship is huge.

Step relationships are fascinating.

OldTimer's picture

I didn't take offense to it, I personally thought it was fishy. You didn't elude to any real specific personal endeavors here and your last post was very evident that you are gathering info for a book. So, sitting from where I sit, it was a little bold and 'nosy'. Nothing wrong with that, but because of that, I just chose a different response.

The private adult/intimiate issues, which you referred as a metaphor as the 'bedroom'... which mine is not, it's the kitchen table... still stands to me. I think for you, now explaining that you have never been married, nor had children, well... that's it right there. The expectations that we as a society place on us as a whole about married life is not realistic. You came into the relationship as what was expected, only to find that, hmmm this is a challenge. Whenever there are children involved, the simple truth is, that it's not about us anymore. We PARENTS have to deal with the same issues regardless if we are step, bio, or other. We have to squeeze in the time but that is with ANY relationship.

One thing you might want to consider is that this is a place where one person shares their own personal issues, while the rest of us follow along, answer, divvy up any support, advice, disagreement or encouragement for that person. We already have walls up to protect us, so when people come with questions, it's a little strange. If you truly are here for advice, help and friendship, than that is where I think I would have started first. Then ask if those who would like to 'participate' for your research, that is what I would have done. You'll find a lot of us are very very open, but it is alarming, as BIOMOM said earlier, for a stranger to swoop in with a whole whopping bunch of questions. And I for one looked at it from a bigger picture, I found it interesting.

stamina's picture

Robinray...this can also be a bit of a closed community. If you have the wrong attitude or give the disagreed upon answer, you can find yourselve getting a lot of negative press. It is sometimes easier not to disclose a lot unless it ties in with the popular opinion. If you have no issues with sks or biomom, you may find this a challenging place to be.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

If someone is here that has no problems with sks or bms then that person should have all kinds of info/advice that I would love to hear!

Don't succumb to peer pressure. Sometimes we need to hear unpopular opinions!(oh no, I think I've turned into my mom!)


BIOMOM's picture

Interesting how we swear we are never going to be "like her", only to hear her words coming out of our own mouth! I often look up to heaven and thank her for those words..... Other times I just!

BIOMOM's picture

I think that is why the posts that do not "go with the flow" of the feelings related on a topic often post as anonymous.

But in RobinRay's post, well, I'm with SM, I wasn't offended with the question, more suspicious I guess. I mean being bio/step, what diffence does it make at that juncture? How much of us have "free bedroom time?" As a matter of fact, this question could probably be posted in any "relationship" forum. Kids are not necessarily the reason for not having time for intimate conversations and/or activities. (Blushing smilie please!)


OldTimer's picture

I always assumed that those who posted anonymously did so because they were 'cowards' and didn't want to put their 'identity' out on the line going against the trend myself...