Those kids are your kids now..
If you marry someone who already has kids from previous relationship, those kids are now your kids and you should treat them as so is what someone told me.. FALSE.. The words sound good, but in reality that can't be more FALSE of a statement than ever before..
This person clearly has never been a STEP parent.. It doesn't work that way and anyone who thinks like that needs their head examined.. No you are not a parent and No you should not get involved in raising those kids.. If you try, it will come back to bite you just because you have STEP to your name.. As long as everything goes their way things will be great and everyone gets along.. But if you disagree or are unhappy about one thing with the SKids and try to correct the child in your own home, you become this vicious mean worthless second class citizen who needs to just sit in the corner and mind your business even if your right.. And it is in your own home, not BM or the kids, Mine and My Husband alone.. Been there too many times with the kids and now with Grandkids.. The turmoil in the house isn't worth it and yes it is my house too and yes things go my way in my house not BM or anyone else..
Just something that hit me wrong about the FALSEHOOD of being a Stepparent..
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Yes, we're expected to love
Yes, we're expected to love them like our own but they don't have to love us like their mother right? I did the whole raising SS like my own, the Lying Ingrate as I call him. Yes, it bit me in the behind. He said I was mean as a kid. I had to be tough on him though. He ran roughshod over anyone who'd let him. So basically everyone but me and DH. He ran over BM, MIL, and SIL. The only thing in my favor was that DH and BM both had no problem with me putting Lying Ingrate in his place. As a grownup he claimed that I was his mother, that BM wasn't there, but did he treat me like Mother? No! He apparently decided that neither BM nor I were worth his time. Whatever. We were dubbed unworthy by his wife, aka She-Devil. DH and I don't see them. Should DH choose to resume a relationship with them, he'll have to see them outside of our home. They will not be welcome here and I will not accompany him to any visits, get togethers, whatever. He'll have to do all that on his own. My guess is he won't unless I relent and resume a relationship too. I won't.
That is where I am too..
It nice to hear someone who feels the same way as I do.. His Family now that they know there is tension between us and SS tell me I should keep trying, that I should be the bigger Adult.. I'm like you tired of trying and being kicked in the teeth.. The drama scenes/lies to try and make them look like the abused ones.. The poor poor pittiful me scenerios of excuses to not visit.. I just don't want them around any more and mainly because I don't trust a word they say.. They pushed us away.. They block us on the phones because they didn't want to hear how we felt about 10 years of being pushed to the side.. I'm sure they blocked us on other things too, but I just haven't really cared enough to check..
If there is one thing I have learned over the years is that Family is not blood related these days and yes it is OK to stand up for yourself..
Such a triggering post lol.
Such a triggering post lol. Honestly I was fed this trope the entire time I was a SM. If your SO is mature enough to allow other people to be involved in their children’s lives they can enrich them in the same way a parent would. Too many of the DH’s on here are not mature enough to handle that and neither are the BM’s.
Alot of DH's just don't want
Alot of DH's just don't want to deal with any of it.. They ignore everything and expect the SM to deal with it or they have the mind frame that is women's duty.. But if you don't have the backing from DH or BM, life gets not worth being around for.. The BM and SKids will throw all kinds of made up crap/drama out there.. Sometimes I wonder if that is why he just won't speak of them at all.. I just wish he would make a stand and let everyone know where he stands, how he feels.. But would it really change things if he did.. No, I really don't think anything would change.. Just the same anxiety of what drama/bull will walk in with them..
This never happened to me
But I treated Sd B/M like she was my own. The relationship was just never reciprocal.
Ummm...Nope
Most people that think this way have never been in StepHell, or they are one of the few lucky ones that get along with SKs.
For me, I met DH when he had 3 adult and two teen kids. Way past any point that I could have been a "parent" even if I wanted that. I really thought I'd be like an extra "aunt" or just an adult friend. DHs two oldest were great soldiers in the BMs court for PA and all the other lies and BS I dealt with. I finally had enough of their shit shows, the final act being in 2018. Have not seen or spoken to any of them since.
I am simply DH's wife, or grandpa's wife. I want NOTHING to do with DHs kids. I didn't birth them nor raise them, and personally, I would not want anyone thinking I had ANYTHING to do with raising that bunch...their behaviors are humiliating and even the BMs family has told me this over the years. My life and marriage have greatly improved since my complete disengagement.
That is where I am now. I'm
That is where I am now. I'm finally accepting that it isn't worth my time or the heart ache of my husband when I mention them or they don't show up for planned family events. Well other than funerals and will readings but hey they are entitled right? The last couple of months have been really nice since we both agreed to stop planning anything to do with them.. Pictures have been put away and several years of stored undelivered gifts have been donated to charity or spent if gift cards. I take care of my family these days and he takes care of his during the holidays. Is this what family is about? Not how I was raised.
" Is this what family is
" Is this what family is about? Not how I was raised. "
Now.. remember.. they are not necessarily your family are they?
I think it's important to keep in mind that there can be a ton of different variables at play. Certainly, in some cases.. a step-parent comes in and is able to adopt a parenting role in the household.. but that is only liable to work (and not a guaranty).. if the kids are young.. the EX is not crazy..and the partnerbioparent is supportive and involved.
It's somewhat unrealistic to marry someone with late teen or adult children and somehow expect them to view their parent's new spouse as a "mom or dad" of any variety even step. And.. as a stepparent you may be coming into a situation that is already dysfunctional. The kids may have some bitterness and resentment over their parent's split.. your partner may have not been an involved or effective parent.. or the kids have been jaded against them by their other parent.
And with kids in the middle.. if you come in to a home where dad (seems most typical that the dad's aren't doing great parenting).. has been a whatever who cares father.. not really any rules or expectations.. and you come in as a Stepmom and want "your home" put in order? It's no wonder the kids will resent the intrusion and restrictions..and it's the crap father parenting that set the stage.. but mostly the stepmom who suffers from the lack of prior parenting.
And it's still more common for the woman to do more of the child raising in the home.. and for the man to do more things related to keeping the home going like lawn care.. mr fixit stuff and often working jobs that bring in more money. So.. in divorce.. the dad's are often thrown into a role that they don't entirely knwo what to do with.. and if they "left" their EX.. the guilt over splitting the the family up can lead to that disney dad syndrome too.
So.. yeah.. no.. you aren't automatically going to be "family" just by marying a man with kids. You may be residents of the same household though.. and with that.. as a co-head of household.. you should have the right to help set rules of operation within the home.. and the joint heads of the house should have joint agreement on those. But to expect mother's day cards.. etc? that's not going to happen for everyone.
I agree that if it was all
I agree that if it was all direct at just me and my husband the above would be true.. But it effected the now deceased Grandparent and other family too.. They will no longer be invited to any planned events by us.. We are not hiding.. We are in plan site.. everyone knows family routine gatherings.. They or the BM have no say in my house.. If they prefer Spa days to backyard BBQ and yard games with family, that is their choice.. But don't come into my house with expectations that we are not interested in.. In the beginning I thought it was just me.. But when I suggested getting together with other family members too, the excuses got mean, personally attacking others faults.. That is when I knew it wasn't just us.. When they only show up at family gathers like funerals, reading of the wills.. I disengaged only in the last year and so far, I have no regrets and my hubby doesn't seem ready to voice his opinion yet... But we haven't spoke of them in months.. And things are great!!!