Limbo life
Maybe I'm just a blathering fool. Doesn't really matter. It's my life and I have to work my way through it. I have made myself clear on important things that have nothing to do with me or my life, but affect me significantly. Bf knows and has made it clear to BM that I will NOT take a role in or be responsible for BH's pickup/drop off events. Bf visited the courthouse on Friday to find out his options as far as divorce and custody, but refuses to take the bull by the horns and follow through. He could have taken advantage of any of these straightforward options as long as 1-2 years ago.
The most murky and troubling thing to me is that bf (and BH, by extension) continue to hang on tightly to stupid things and ways of conducting their lives that really f-up my previously ordered, happy and peaceful life; and nix any possibility of them ever enjoying a healthy, functional life. There are many very clear and simple ways for bf to empower himself. He won't deal with or address them, then dumps the toxic waste of his resentment about it on me, my job being to provide him peace and happiness (all the benefits of living a functional, effective life) with no effort or giving on his part. Enough already, dood.
He insists this is all a "money thing" with me. Apparently I just want him to go through court for custody so he can get child support. Not that I'd contest it's important for him to exercise every avenue for them to have income and stand self-supporting, but my sticking point is that he has a way to take charge of the divorce/custody proceedings and refuses. Once again, he's rolled over for BM and I will be the toxic waste receptacle for his resentment about it when it inevitably surfaces. I've run through that sorry chapter in HIS book of 'How to Conduct Life' enough times already.
If he leaves thinking this is a "money thing", then dandy. The only important thing to me is that he get his self-defeating ways and oozing toxic burdens that result from it out of my home and life. He has until Friday to make arrangements. I will not be staying home for the remainder of their time here and am on my way to pack a camping kit for the next few nights.
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I don't know that I plan to
I don't know that I plan to remain in contact, iwlass. My gut says that I would be best off to cut him out of my life as quickly as possible, but we both live in the same small, remote corner of the world and he has in the past found any number of convenient ways and excuses to pop into my life even when I've made it clear we're done. Guess I need to think through a plan to keep from getting accidentally enmeshed again.
Indeed, I loved the craving and desire bf seemed to have for a better life when we first met. It truly seemed that he simply had no other frame of reference than the chaotic self-defeating one that he and every influential person in his life always acted from. But that everything he needed to enjoy a better, more self-empowered life is right at his fingertips and he repeatedly tosses it aside to keep on just as before? Gosh, how do you ever feel safe or enjoy being around a person like that once they've outed themselves so clearly and consistently? I don't think it is possible. It's as if I'm either going to be his "crutch" or go on without him. I have to opt to go on...
Thanks for your kind wishes!