Can't stop thinking of this
I just can't get over what DH said last night and the fact that he's not said one word to me all day. We usually instant message each other all day long. There's always so much drama and tension when SD14's in the picture. I know it's gotta be weighing on him like it has been me.
I don't know how to approach him regarding that statement he made or if I'll even be able to get him alone tonight to do so. Sure, we can make the kid go outside but she has no idea how to entertain herself. And I'm not leaving her unattended inside with the cat and the fish! NO way.
Any ideas of how to get the ball rolling with this awkward conversation? Any suggestions at keeping my cool? I've been raging inside since Saturday night when BM texted saying she was bringing SD over.
Part of me (a HUGE part) just doesn't even want to go home. But another part doesn't want her to "win" thinking she's driven me out of my own apartment just because she's there.
FML! SO damn upset!
- RedWingsFan's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I hate it when my Dh does
I hate it when my Dh does that. Like today for example.
He's home today, his day off. I haven't heard from him all day and its nearly 5 pm. I've called him a few times, and he doesn't answer. No texts, no nothing. It's like out of sight out of mind. I'll ask him when I get home why he didn't call me back.... Oh, my phone must have been on vibrate..... Ok, but that still means that you didn't think of me at all today to pick up the phone yourself to call....
I know right? But yeah, I
I know right? But yeah, I know why my DH isn't initiating contact. He doesn't want to have to hear what I have to say!
I just texted him and said we
I just texted him and said we need to have a serious talk after work. Either leave SD at her mom's until we're finished or she can go outside. He said can't we just talk in our bedroom? I said no. Your choice - either pick her up late or she goes outside, period. He said OK.
That's the extent of the conversation we've had in the past 24 hrs. Nice huh?
I read your blog earlier and
I read your blog earlier and I can't believe he made a comment about being suicidal in front of the kid. I am sure he was just trying to get her to accept and acknowledge how important you are, but that smacks of manipulation in and of itself. If that's the case, then the question becomes do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to pull all the stops to try to manipulate someone else, especially their own child. I fell for you, I really do. I hope your talk tonight goes well and maybe some things are clarified.
See, that's my main concern.
See, that's my main concern. He's NEVER been like this before and actually has the hardest time lying, even if it's to spare someone's feelings.
So two things could be happening: A. He could've actually FELT that way and didn't tell me (which is hard to believe because we're open and honest with each other about EVERYTHING). Or B. He wanted to manipulate her because he's angry with her for ignoring him and treating him so poorly for the past few months.
That's what I'm trying to get to the bottom of with our discussion. I told him he has two choices: either leave her at her mom's until we're done with our conversation or send her outside until we're done. He said "can't we just talk in our bedroom?" Ummm, NO!
Mel, I do not know what to
Mel,
I do not know what to say to you. I am so sorry. My DH was very much like yours, when me met. His kids are older now (19,20,23). They are horrible to him, and have always been this way. I almost ran, but they got so bad, that he finally stopped kissing their butts and enabling. They continue to get worse, and he has not bended, but there is always a little worry in the back of my mind that they will get to him again. The latest crap is them posting on Facebook-their baby pictures with sad faces, the usual pleas for money. I do not believe they love DH, but he will always be waiting for them to show that love. My MIL is making it worse bc she thinks he should be buying their love.
Your DH can let his daughter know he loves her, and cares, without coddling her and allowing her to treat him like she does. But, he has to be able to set boundaries, and has to WANT to do so. Unless he wakes up, nothing will change. And you are going to be sad and miserable. You do not deserve that.
I wish you luck with your talk.
I know one thing...the 3 of you are not going to be able to coexist in a one bedroom apartment. That needs to be discussed NOW.
I agree with you completely
I agree with you completely and that's another thing I plan to discuss with him after work. I told him he could leave her at her mom's till we're finished or send her outside but she's not going to be in the apartment while we're talking. All he said was "ok".
Either way, the 1 bedroom thing was decided on in August after she'd basically told him he was nothing to her. We decided, fine, you'll be nothing to us. We sold off all the furniture and made plans to move.
NOW, she comes back. WTF.
If suicide really was his
If suicide really was his meaning then it was a huge mistake to say such a thing in front of her. It's bad for her in every possible way, demonstrating passive aggressive parenting, letting her think she has that kind of power over him, and giving an inappropriate sense of meaning and importance to her teenage selfishness and game playing. And it's dreadful for you because you now feel he has been concealing very serious feelings from you. If he just said it to try to make her feel bad for ignoring him he really needs to rethink his approach to making SD understand the consequences of her behaviour, and take a more considered approach.
I am always on at my DH to be more honest and direct with SD16 about his feelings and the consequences of her behaviour, but good lord I don't want him to tell her his life isn't worth living without her! We are in a similar boat with unexplained withdrawal of SD16, who lived with us for nearly 3 years, moved back with her mother after she developed an eating disorder and I could not cope with her any more, went into a clinic for 3 months, and now silently refuses to commit to a visitation schedule, or discuss why she will not visit our home for more than a couple of hours a month. DH is now tiptoeing around SD frightened to say anything that might make things worse or trigger her disorder again, although in my view it is the lack of honesty and openess in the family that is the root of her problems. I am annoyed when she doesn't come, and annoyed when she does. When she comes we just sit around trying to ignore the elephant in the room and make small talk.
On the lack of messaging: how lovely to be in contact throughout the day. My DH is in meetings pretty much all day and I'm lucky if I hear from him at all! If we're in the middle of a row I have to purge by writing it all down!
Thanks for your input and I
Thanks for your input and I agree. I cannot wait to find out his real motivation for saying what he said last night and try and figure out where his head was when he said it. I was so floored last night that I simply shut down.
Now he's dreading going home just like I am I'm sure.
I think you need to find out
I think you need to find out exactly what he meant by his statement. I have to admit, when I first read your other post, suicide was not my first thought. Are you sure he didn't mean "I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you because I would've caved to your mother and not made you come over." I don't know your DH so maybe I'm reaching.
THIS An extra $250 is a small
THIS
An extra $250 is a small price to pay to ensure your have a peaceful home and peace of mind.
Love this and Im on the same
Love this and Im on the same boat waiting to pounce:
"I'm waiting for her to step out of line because I am ready to just rip her a new one and ignore the 'letting her father deal with it' thing i've had going. I'm going to let her know just who is the head bitch in this house and if she doesn't like it she can waddle off back to BM's. I don't get any say in what goes on in BM's so why should BM get to send her agent over here to run my household? Not happening anymore."
With that being said SD when she lived out of state pulled this shit with DH. Called him up one night at 11pm telling him she hates him, he is dead to her, and she never wants to speak to him again. And then didnt call or speak to him for 3 months. Of course when she did call it was all gushy and wonderful.
Her BM is famous for this shit, she herself runs hot and told. One day she can be fine with DH or SD the next she can be a raging bitch, she didnt speak to SD for 4 months after we took custody of her. She also didnt speak to her own family for years in the past. I expect when SD is 18 if DH doesnt do exactly what she wants when she wants it, she will disappear out of state with BM and wont speak to him for years. Which is fine by me but...
What I have learned is, part of the reason DH wont come up against SD16 and hold her hand to the fire with discipline is because he is afraid he is going to "lose her again". When daughter/sons do this to Daddy's, Daddy becomes fearful they will lose their daughter or son. Dad's lose perspective and do not see the "big" piture which is, we all lose our kids to some extent, it's called adulthood.
The adult we produce is what matters, and that means as teens were gonna piss them off, were gonna make them do things they dont like, and they may not speak to us, who cares...in the long run, they will be productive, great adults capable of having good solid relationships that they cant manipulate.
Unfortunly, my husband now let's his fear of "losing" SD16 rule his relationship with her, BM as well as myself and it is taking it's toll.
Please make sure your DH understands, SD is not always going to like him, but in the end, she needs to respect him as her father as well as a person!
What I did learn was
Sad part is, now that we have custody of her