Dh wants to pick our kids up to spend time with just them tonight
Dh called me and said he wants to get the kids tonight and take them to dinner. I misunderstood what he said and I told him we could meet for dinner. He just wants our kids. Gee, I wonder why. I told him no and that I know he wants to do a dna test behind my back and that won't happen. I told him we could discuss this in therapy to help him deal with ss but that our children won't be put in the middle of this. He then gave me a heads up that he is refinancing the house (it's in his name only) and will be cashing out on our equity (20,000). I'm not on the loan or the house because he had it before me and I never considered this would be an issue. He also took half of savings (1,000 is his half) and said he would be cashing out part of his 401k to finance his lawyer. He had to put a $10,000 retainer down. I guess he got an estimate of $30,000 to 50,000. I'm waiting on my mom to call me back because I really don't know what to do right now.
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Given the shock to his system
Given the shock to his system for finding out his son is not actually his son, , maybe just do the DNA test. I’m sure there’s a way to do it with the kids not actually knowing what’s being done. I think it’s just cotton Q-tip in the mouth.
He need some kind of peace as he’s in shock right now. If you love him, then I find a way to give it to him.
Your DH is running headlong
Your DH is running headlong down the path of financial ruin. You need to start protecting yourself and your children.
I can understand you being
I can understand you being offended by his demand for a DNA test. But I am also feeling your adamant refusal is feeding his frenzy. It is a harmless test that will stop his manic thoughts about it. Clearly he is not really caring what you say or do at this point and is doing whatever it takes to fight BM.
If I were you, I would be more concerned about his behavior and what you plan to do to protect yourself and your kids than a DNA test.
Just because you aren't on the loans does not mean you could not somehow be held responsible. I would probably go ahead and file for a legal separation. But just so you know, if you do that and your DH asks for a DNA test, you most likely will be court ordered to do it.
But it's not just a DNA test.
But it's not just a DNA test. Not only is it a direct insult to OP, if she capitulates to this she is agreeing that his mania is justified. The man needs therapy, not a DNA test.
His bulk of his mania IS
His bulk of his mania IS justified. He had one simple request for his wife to ease his mind and she waged war against him. If the children are his she shouldn't have a problem with the test. He's going to need therapy for more than just the SS issue now. His wife checked out of their marriage when he needed her the most.
He had one simple request for
He had one simple request for his wife to ease his mind and she waged war against him. If the children are his she shouldn't have a problem with the test. He's going to need therapy for more than just the SS issue now. His wife checked out of their marriage when he needed her the most.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THIS!! ^^^^
And he is probably never going to forgive her checking out when he REALLY needed her. This whole things is just so sad. Even for her.
And I really think she is taking the wrong advice from some people here. But they don't care if she dumps her husband, even though they probably never would in this situation. Most wives want to help their husband when the person they married goes through something so traumatic.
But he's not asking for her
But he's not asking for her support, love and understanding. His reaction was to question her fidelity and announce that he is planning on destroying their future financial well being.
All I'm saying is that the man needs some major therapy. However, at what point is the abuse and control too much? At what point would you suggest OP leave the relationship? When he gets his DNA test and then demands to have her passwords? When he demands she quit her job so she can't meet other men?
"But he's not asking for her
"But he's not asking for her support, love and understanding."
These are not things you should have to ask for in a marriage.
Of course it is. A good
Of course it is. A good marriage relies on communication and being able to express what your needs are.
"Baby I'm having a rough time. Can we spend a quiet evening and talk this through? I'd love another perspective on this and I value your opinion."
Sometimes I just need my husband to listen, sometimes I need his help to solve a dilemma, sometimes I need him to shoulder a burden completely. Sometimes I need him to STFU and get out of my face.
Yes it is insulting.
Yes it is insulting. However, she is compounding his hysteria by digging her heels in and refusing the test. SHE is making this more than it should be. He is in a mental tailspin and she is spinning him worse with her stonewalling him.
Even if there is no change in the world her children belong to anyone else but DH....she is creating more and more doubt in his head by refusing.
Instead of being his wife and calming him down and reassuring him....she is fueling the flame. I feel bad for the guy.
Whoa!! BM cheating and the
Whoa!! BM cheating and the subsequent heartache are not OP's fault.. Her DH can DNA test everyone in the neighborhood, it still won't make SS his kid again.
Demanding a DNA test to prove her fidelity is the same as him screaming at her until she lets him monitor her cell phone and bank account. Not one of us would tell her just to let him control her life because his ex cheated on him. It's abuse.
I have to agree with Sonof.
I have to agree with Sonof. I see this as only the start of his using his ability to control her as "proof" of her love. He can admit to her her love her to do it. Feelings are fine. But demanding and throwing mantrums? That's controlling behavior. He needs to find a more constructive way of dealing with his feelings.
I'm with y'all. This is BS.
I'm with y'all. This is BS. She needs to file for separation or divorce to keep her from being responsible for his poor financial choice.
Your choice to refuse the
Your choice to refuse the dna test and withhold the children will cost you your marriage. Your children are going to be tested one way or another. If your pride and ego mean more to you than your marriage then continue to head down this path. If you want any chance of reconciling your marriage you need to make different choices. Offering to go to therapy together is a good way forwards, I hope you two can work this out without ruining your marriage or using your children as leverage.
I don't understand you
I don't understand you two.
For starters, I seriously doubt a judge will bar your DH from seeing a child he raised. I don't know why he's panicking. If he is legally the father (on birth certificate and has provided and raised him) it will be the other man that would have to fight to prove he's fit to be in the child's life. DH and I have already spoke to a few attorneys about this due to SD not being biologically his and him having custody. If the man did take him to court your DH could sue for every dollar of support he's ever paid to for the child.
And the DNA test is NOT that big of a deal. Your DH has went through hell here lately and you have been a horrible wife to him. He's losing his ever loving mind and you're pouting and poking him with a stick.
Ask him if allowing him to
Ask him if allowing him to get the dna test will stop his silly behavior and whether things will go back to normal, or if he's still going to be acting like a arse and going through courts?
Is he leaving you because you won't let him get proof the kids are his? Under the circumstances, I can see ho he might want reassurance that they are... but still, highly insulting to you.
If he says he's leaving you anyway, file first.
What a sh!t show! Has DH lost
What a sh!t show! Has DH lost any rights to ss or is he just doing this to be preemptive? Seems a bit hasty to throw so much money at an issue that may not even be an issue yet. If I were you I'd get a legal separation and go for child support before DH is completely destitute and drags you down with him. He needs to remember that he has more children than just ss to think about and support.
Maybe you should get the DNA test done to show that courts that DH needs to support your children too. I'm sorry that this is turning out so horrible for you and your kids. I can understand that DH is in shock and reacting but to risk financial ruin and his current family is not the answer.
His wife checked out of their
His wife checked out of their marriage when he needed her the most.
He's the one who has checked out of their marriage.
If I were in this situation, I really don't know what I would do. I would hope that my husband would handle it differently and come to me for comfort instead of running away from me, calling me a liar and questioning our marriage.
I do know, that even if I did the DNA test on the kids, that would not negate the fact that my husband did not trust me, thought I was a whore, just like BM. So, great, he would have peace of mind, but our relationship would still not be the same.
He could have done the DNA test easy peasy, but HE has chosen to make a big production out of it, accusing and hurting his wife.
This^
This^
He could have done the DNA
He could have done the DNA test easy peasy, but HE has chosen to make a big production out of it, accusing and hurting his wife.
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Agreed. But I think maybe he wanted her to say oh yes…I will absolutely do that for you since I know you are hurting and in a terrible place. (I am sure he feels his son just died to him.)
BUT,,,that is not what happened.
Terrible situation. But she does need to take some steps to protect her and kids financially. He is our not in his right mind right now obviously.
On the other hand, what would
On the other hand, what would OP had done if she found out he did it without telling her?
As the wife of a man afraid of loosing his non bio daughter one day and the mother of a child who's father committed suicide due to depression... I do not see this ending well. I hope OP comes to her senses and can be the bigger person in this situation. Her DH has a group of people against him that want him to have nothing to do with a child he raised. All he has is OP and they're not even on the same side right now.
From what her other blog
From what her other blog said, it sounded like he demanded a DNA test in an angry, accusatory way. So, if he wanted her to reassure him in a loving way, perhaps he shouldn't be being such an ass about it.
OP used the word demanded.
OP used the word demanded. She also claimed that he has been ignoring her and their kids.
Those words might be true, but they might not. That could very well just be the way she felt about it. She was pissed when she typed that. It also seems that she blew up when her DH brought up the DNA test and it turned into a heated argument. She originally told him that he could do the tests, and then changed her mind later. Now she is withholding the children from him. Which is a great idea considering he feels like he just lost his son forever. *Eyeroll*
Withholding the children? He
Withholding the children? He LEFT.
He asked to see the children
He asked to see the children and she said no. That is withholding the children. They got into a major fight and he stayed a couple of nights in a hotel. It's only been 2 days.
Honestly I can see why your
Honestly I can see why your husband wants a DNA test. You have not been supportive of him through any of this. You were planning a celebration dinner while your husband was heartbroken. You were excited that SS was not his while your husband was grieving a child he raised.
Now is the time for you to decide if this is about your hatred towards BM and SS or about your husband. You husband needs love, support, and reassurance right now. Give him a DNA test if he needs it. Is it crappy for him to ask YES! But this is a gut reaction from him. Which is more important your marriage or sticking it to BM?
I would do the DNA test. I
I would do the DNA test. I would just let him do it. I would let him calm his fears.
And when the results come back that he is the father of YOUR kids, you require him to go to individual and couples' counseling to deal with the pain you are both experiencing. You have a right to be deeply hurt that he is throwing this at you like it is your fault.
But at the same time he is not in his normal, right mind. Sometimes when that happens the rest of us have to do things to help pick up the pieces for the person who is a mess.
You would be more likely to get him to listen to you if you agreed to the DNA test AND if he felt you were on his side in wanting him to have a relationship with SS.
Research in your state what happens if another man is found to be the bio father. Where I live whoever is on the birth certificate has the rights and there should be no need for all this fighting about it. But who knows in other states? You'll need to find out.
Unite with your husband. This is what he wants. He is really hurting. He is hurting way more deeply than you are here and he needs you to LEAD him out of it. Yeah, he's acting horribly. But he needs you to lead right now because he is lost and can't see his way out.
I would do the DNA test but I
I would do the DNA test but I would be looking for a divorce attorney as well.
I understand him wanting support from her, but if you instantly jump into being an accusatory ass, don't be shocked when the person you are accusing responds with resistance. I cannot believe people here are only placing blame on OP! There is nothing normal or sane about his response, especially now going behind OP's back an getting the kids tested! I don't care if ET turned out to be the father of SS, you don't turn around and accuse your spouse of infidelity AND start a quick downward financial spiral!
Nope, it may make me a witch, but if my SS turned out to not be my DH and he turned around and demanded our kids get tested, I'd tell him to knock himself out and hopefully the attorney he is using for SS will give him a 2 for 1 special for a divorce. I sure as hell wouldn't be taking any abuse because of what skanky BM did to him. I draw the line at accusations of cheating. Quite frankly, an accusation is just as unforgivable as an actual act of cheating. Especially when the accusation arise out of an ex being a tramp!
You need an attorney
You need an attorney yesterday. Your children have the right to be financially supported by their father. You have the right to half the equity built up in that house since your marriage. You have the right to half his retirement funds since the start of your marriage. A judge is not going to like him taking marital funds for his tilting at windmills quest. He needs a cease and desist and put the money back order. Stat.
ramblin, you can refuse as
ramblin, you can refuse as much as you want to, DH can get a court order and then you will have to. I get you are hurt and feel insulted, but would it really be the end of the world if you call DH and say, fine meet us at the lab, we make this a game for our children, your kids never will have to know...
I just feel with you refusing, DH thinks you are like BM... just a thought Hon...unfortunately you will have to proof now you are not like BM....
it's stupid I know, but men.... ga.... they are from Pluto, cause I'm from Mars and have not seen any guys around
Don't pander to his idiocy.
Don't pander to his idiocy. I'd let the courts request the test. He's being an abusive ass.