You are here

These we love the most break our hearts the deepest.

Rags's picture

Well, the amazing Skid has managed to resurrect his historical lack of maturity and decisioning capability. During the TG holiday from school he managed to lie repeatedly about having turned in all of his assignments and stayed up all night playing World-of-Warcraft then being semi catatonic during usual waking hours.

When we got home Sunday we found his progress report waiting in the mailbox. It was horrendous to say the least.

So, what can I do to help him once again pull his head out of his ass? I can't do it for him but I can get him some help.

My analysis of the situation is below. Yep, I am treating this as a management problem because that is what I am good at. My Wife is surprisingly not aggravated by this. This is one of those situations where it is my turn to be the reasonable one because Mom is ready to kill him.

He is really a very intelligent and well behaved kid. But his inability to tell the truth when asked a direct question and inability to make a viable basic decision is breaking my heart. His Mom’s too.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks and best regards,

Issues: Currently The Skid is not performing either academically or at a maturity level adequate enough to facilitate graduation from high school or to be self sufficient as a young adult in the job market.

Goal: Provide support, guidance and structure to allow The Skid to complete his high school education and develop the maturity and decisioning skills necessary for him to perform as a viable adult.

As is condition: The Skid is in a highly structured environment that provides him with adequate direction to function at a basic level as far as personal hygiene, clean clothes, food and shelter. When in NEW CADET status oversight was stringent enough to drive adequate academic and community performance. Transition to OLD CADET status has removed oversight to the point that The Skid’s inherent maturity and decisioning deficits are no longer controlled by external authority.

Academic/Community performance:

Deportment – F. Primarily caused by sleeping in class. Likely the result of late night gaming which results in a semi catatonic state during usual waking hours.

English – F. The Skid’s high level of intelligence and historic reading and communications skills indicate that this is not an ability issue. Recent and historical performance indicates that this is the direct result of failure to complete or turn in regular assignments.

Calculus – F. Possibly due in part to a lack of understanding of highly conceptual course content. This is likely aggravated by failure to complete and turn in work and remaining in a semi catatonic state during normal waking hours.

Physics – D. Due to multiple missing assignments. F level credit for missing assignments would result in a C+ to B- grade. Current performance is likely aggravated due to lack of sleep and historical maturity and decisioning deficits.

Economics – C-. Significant recent degradation of performance likely due to gaming/sleep issues.

Band – A. Lack of challenge and memorization of repetitive music selection allows The Skid to perform at an A level while semi catatonic.

Leadership – B. Significant recent degradation of performance likely due to gaming/sleep issues.

Basic Athletics – A. Participation in RIFLE DRILL TEAM at a high level of dedication and interest is the likely cause of performance in this area. Indicates that when he is interested he performs well. He has similar dedication and interest in World-of-Warcraft on-line gaming.

Senior Seminar – Pass. Absences in this activity have resulted in a high number of punishment tours (Marching in a big square for an hour per demerit tour). The pain associated with the decision to skip this class will likely prevent future absences.

Summary of issues and performance: The Skid has neither the maturity nor decisioning ability to prioritize and choose the appropriate action to take when not under total oversight of an external authority providing external motivation. Historical behaviors have resurfaced with the removal of RAT authority status and regression in performance and maturity is the result.

MILITARY SCHOOL, though overall a positive experience for The Skid, has not resulted in adequate maturation towards adult capabilities and performance that should be present in a 17 year old approaching adulthood.

In addition to historic proven maturity and decisioning deficits, it is highly possible that The Skid has an addictive/obsessive/compulsive issue with computer/video gaming. It is also possible that depression is a factor in the current situation potentially driven by The Skid’s awareness that adulthood is looming and that he is not emotionally prepared to enter adulthood.

Resources/Assets:

1. The Skid is a highly intelligent well behaved young man. He is capable of performing well both academically and in a work environment. He has the character potential to develop to a viable adult.
2. ~$xx,xxx.xx +/- per year for education or counseling support.
3. Time: The Skid is a young 17 year old high school senior. There is no critical requirement for him to graduate from high school in May 2009. There is adequate time for him to both graduate from high school, successfully complete college and develop the personal character and maturity to successfully transition to adulthood without lasting negative impact to his future opportunities.
4. Supportive family environment. He has dedicated parents who want what is best for him and who have the ability to provide the time/physical/financial resources necessary for The Skid to successfully complete high school, college and develop the personal abilities and character to make effective daily and life decisions.

Options:

1. Stay the course at MILITARY SCHOOL while engaging the school to drive more strict oversight of The Skid’s decisions, time and work completion.
a. Distance from Mom and Dad does not allow for significant parental participation and oversight of the situation.
b. Consumes significant financial resources which limit options for addressing maturity and decisioning deficit issues.
c. Will likely result in failure to complete high school.
d. Will likely result in expulsion from MILITARY SCHOOL or The Skid not being invited back.
2. Bring The Skid home to complete his high school education at LOCAL High School.
a. Potential emotional impact to The Skid. Likely a short term issue but possibly significantly painful on a personal level for The Skid, Mom and Dad.
b. Education is funded by current rent levels.
c. Allows use of financial resources to address maturity, decisioning and emotional health issues.

Threats:

1. Total withdrawal by The Skid with associated defiance.
2. Inconsistent participation by the SpermClan. BioDad though concerned with current grades is adamant that The Skid be able to play on-line/video games when he is through with his other responsibilities. BioDad does not “get it” and is enabling The Skid to avoid accountability.

Key Success Factors:

1. Parental alignment on path forward to provide The Skid with all available support to address issues and transition successfully to adulthood (education/maturity/decisioning/etc…)
2. Calm consistent guidance, communication and behavior from parents (primarily DAD).
3. Engagement and participation by The Skid in addressing the issues and progressing towards educational, maturity and adult goals.
4. Defined path forward with target milestones.
5. Structured daily family schedule including defined responsibilities for each family member in the home, consistent wake and sleep times, consistent work hours, exercise time as a family, frequent vacations/excursions designed to grow family bonding and trust.
6. Direct and frequent engagement with school and counseling staff to address, adjust and improve school and personal performance.
7. Mom and Dad retain final decisioning authority on use of resources and what behaviors/decisions are acceptable from The Skid.
8. Treat The Skid as an adult and require consistent adult performance from The Skid.
9. Consistent family and Skid counseling sessions with a behavioral therapist. Address possible Skid depression issues.
10. All members of the family treat each other with respect and have the right to stop the conversation until a later time when everyone is calm.

Comments

Rags's picture

x

Amazed's picture

I heard that game he was playing can become an addiction. There was a special about it online. Basically talking about how it has ruined lives and is being considered as a true addiction.

Is it possible he's addicted to the game?? I know that's just a small part of his problem right now but in order to fix the big problem you have to fix the little problems first.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Selkie's picture

There's a setting in the World of Warcraft program that allows you to set parental controls on time. A small suggestion but maybe one that will help. That game takes over your life because of the time commitment it requires. Sorry I don't have anything else to suggest. You've been doing GREAT with this kid. Hang in there.

Rags's picture

Selkie,

I agree on the insidious and addictive nature of on-line/video gameing. He does not have the maturity to temper his time with the games. Fortunately my addictions are to experiencing life, my Wife, my Family (Mom, Dad, Bro and his family) and no less intensly to my Son (SS). I played a game (Doom) years ago until I finished it, decided it was no big deal and non additive to my quality of life and never played another one. I know, a little too engineeric and managerial (My undergrad is in engineering and I have an MBA) but my goal is to get him help and get him through high school with a prayer of a future ahead of him.

We do intend to get him professional help and the family in to a 12-step program for GameJunkies. (If one exists). This may all be overkill but I want the little shit to get the message that his decisions have consequences and direct impact on others.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Heck yes that game is addictive!! We have gone through several rounds of perfectson playing WOW. Ugh! I can't count how many times I asked him to do something only to be told 'In a minute mom, I'm in a dungeon' or some other 'raid' nonsense. At one time I told him he had an addiction problem and he said 'I can quit anytime I want' so we put a $$ bet on it. I won, he paid up, then he really did quit for a long time. He plays on occasion now, but he has to watch himself not to get sucked in!

JustAnotherSM's picture

You've got the right idea Rags. Now you just need to get DW and Biodad on the same page for this to work.

I have SS17 with similar issues. SS lives with BM and has no responsibilities at home. He's on xbox til 3am daily and wonders why he can't stay awake at school. He doesn't turn in homework or participate in class. He is also a bright young man but refuses to do anything that would require any effort on his part. And why should he, cuz BM and grandparents do everything for him. We sent SS to a residential school for troubled youth so he could get mental health treatment and get his grades back up so he could graduate with his class. One year and $60,000 later, he did not catch up on high school credits and has reverted to his old ways since returning home to BM. DH tries to be a responsible parent, but can't get support from BM.

My suggestion for you is to keep SS at home. Sending him to military school is a temporary fix, but his problems will reappear when he returns home and re-engages with his enablers (biodad). If you and DW can set clear responsibilities, consistent boundaries, and appropriate consequences then you can handle this. Good luck!

Rags's picture

That is the direction we are leaning. I just got off of the phone with the school and it is likely that he will be suspended due to excessive demerits. This is actually a good thing because this makes his removal from Military School a school decision and a direct consequence of his behavior rather than a punitive/emotional move by his Mom and I.

Thanks for the input.

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Rags's picture

Vick,

Right now I am focusing on being the reasonable one (an unusual place for me to be when it comes to parenting the Skid)and preventing his Mom from applying her rights to retroactive abortion. She is ready to kill him. (figuratively of course).

I think that the Military School opportunity is about to resolve itself. It looks like they are going to suspend him which will prevent him from graduating on time. So, we are lining up a Phsychologist/behavior counselor for the family and for him individually, working with our local High School to get him plugged in to a program to graduate in June 2011 (this gives him an extra 1.5yrs to address maturity issues). He is a very young 17 and has been tested at 3-5 yrs above grade intellectually and 4-5 years below actual age in maturity/emotional age.

My parents are concerned that if we unilaterally withdraw him from Mil School that he will feel significantly isolated which may make any depression issues he is facing worse. They recommend having the school expell him so that we do not start the next phase of our parenting adventure with a decision that he can blame on us. I think their perspective has some merrit but I do not know if my Wife wait for the school to boot him.

So, it looks like option 2 (Bring him home and get him some professional help) is the likely decision/outcome.

Thanks for your input.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Stick's picture

Rags... I read this and was very intrigued. You are taking a very analytical approach, and I do see that your SS may get suspended from Military School. Here's my thoughts and opinions. Of course, I could be very wrong.... but I am just throwing a few more things out there for you to possibly consider! Please remember that this is all my opinion and how I write.... just so I don't piss anyone off! Smile

My take on your SS is that he is not living up to the standard of maturity that you and your wife have for him.

Why is that? From reading your blogs and posts I get the feeling that you consider it a lack of maturity, combined with some laziness and possibly some lack of personal responsibility. Is that correct? Am I reading your blogs correctly?

I wonder if the situation needs two way resolving. Yes, your SS is 17 and needs to step up and needs to grow up a little. BUT.... are you looking at your SS for who HE is? Not for what you want him to be. Not for what you know he can be. But for actually WHO HE is? Your SS is the perfect example, in my eyes, of you and your wife doing everything right, and the kid not taking the opportunity. So then I have to wonder... is it the right opportunity for him?

I guess I am saying this because I am also wondering if your SS's way of rebellion is to not perform up to the standards that you and your wife KNOW he can achieve. He's smart enough. So he's just not doing it. And that's a little passive aggressive rebellion, in my own thoughts. So then I am left to wonder why. Does he like it but not want to perform to rebel against you? Or is it not really who he is at all, is it him just there because you guys believe he needs to be there? And then what does that say to you for him?

It's obvious that you and your wife are very caring, loving parents, ready to do what is necessary to give this kid a chance at life. It is also apparent to me that the Spermclan love the kid in their way, but do not take the interest or initiative that you and your wife do. It also sounds like they cannot afford to financially, and if they could, who knows if they would. I'm GUESSING this causes some personal conflicts in SS. I'm also GUESSING that SS does still have 1/2 of that family in his blood, in his personality, so it may be part of "who" he is. I think he wonders about it as well.

I do think that Warcraft is an addicting game and I do think he needs to be monitored on it.

If it were my SS... I would welcome the chance to take him home. If it were me, I'd ask him what he wants out of life. What does he want to be? And Rags, I know that you and your wife are both college educated and want this for him. But I'd ask him anyways to get a true response. Can you listen to what he wants to be without having judgment on it? If he wants a field where college is a necessity, then I'd try to get him to understand WHY that particular field needs the education and help him understand why his current path is not working to help him achieve the goal. If he wants a field where no college is necessary, then I'd encourage him to get a part-time job in that field, and see if it is truly something he wants to do for the rest of his life. Can you support him if you don't agree with his life choices?

I know that what I am suggesting is very difficult. It's almost saying to the kid.. "Hey, what we are doing for some reason isn't working. So, you are 17 now... almost an adult. You are going to have to start making some of your own decisions. WHAT DO YOU WANT, now and in the future for yourself?" And then truly listen. And support him in his decision. He may need to falter, before he can grow.

Sometimes, adversity is the best way to get a kid to truly grow up into what we know they can be.

I'm glad you are thinking of getting him into counseling.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Rags's picture

Stick,

Thank you for your thoughts. Much of what you recommended we have been working through. He is a wonderful kid with some focus and decisioning problems. The maturity deficite has been identified by teachers and school counselors each year since he started kindergarten. Intellectually he historically tests several years ahead.

I have struggled with his maturity and decisioning issues for years over what is obviouse to me that he does not seem to recognize. In the past couple of years I have worked on being a more calm influence in his life and reminding myself regularly that I am his parent which means I am his mentor, confidante, advocate and when neccessary his disciplinarian. I am not his friend or his keeper.

We may keep him home at Christmass but that remains to be determined. I have marshalled all of the school's resources to get him as much help as we can (counseling, tutoring, a new accademic advisor, increased oversight by staff, a different room mate, etc....).

The school has called several times per day to inform me of what they are doing to help extricate the kid's head from his ass. The school thinks he is a great kid and appears to have a lot of energy around getting the support he needs to become whole academically.

Your recommendations and delivery of your thoughts are far from offensive.

Thanks.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

LotusFlower's picture

ok Rags....SS16 is a gamer...Warcraft, Halo, Call of Duty...he is hooked...now his high school has an online homework list for each class...I look at what is due and I make him show me all of his assignments BEFORE he is allowed to play any games during the week,,,,also, he knows that NORAD (our nickname for his room....LOL) will lose its power should his grades slip,,,and we have done it so he KNOWS it will happen..he does exactly what he is supposed to do, homework, stufy, chores, etc....but ONLY because he knows he will lose what he loves if he doesn't stay in line.....take away his gaming for a period of time and let him earn it back.then make him show u his assignments...extra work for us, but it seems to work...good luck...

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....