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to continue the saga....

QUINJAI3's picture

i have just reread my previous blogs to help clarify my thoughts thus far.

i found that when just jotting down facts like my first blog it is so easy to sound content but you by pass all the true hard feelings and mental hurt that these simply facts cause. as i found when i wrote my second blog it felt a lot darker and more real as i got to try and fill in the blanks that just by giving facts causes.

as i have stated i love and adore my hubby more then he'll ever truely know as i'm not to good at verbally expressing myself ( but putting words to paper is my life) i have always felt that even in my lowest point or darkest hour he is the one who will calm me and light my way not because thats his job as my hubby but because he is also my friend first and foremost. i also am deeply in love with my babies i think the world of them, i will now and forever love them i may not always like them ( due to behaviour or actions)but i will always love them and when i look at them i see their father looking back and that strengthens my love for them and their father my husband.now comes the drama i look to my step daughter an instead of seeing her as a part of my hubby yet another beautiful soul to adore i see reflections of the one person who has caused nothing but pain, stress, confusion and insercurities. my step daughter looks very much like her bio mother and now that she is older mirrors her hurtful words too.

i never wanted to be the nasty step mother who had so much hate but i can't stop thinking of the what ifs: what would have my relationship with hubby been like if we didn't start of so shakedly, would i not know the insercurities i know now and have to fight against nearly everyday, would my oldest boy not look at me with so much anger at the thought of his half sister coming to visit. would i not know the struggles of mothering if i didn't have this added stress.

i know i have written both of my love for my hubby and also my insercurities but i think from loving him as much as i do it means the insercurities have something to feed off. in the beginning i didn't care about the ex or her life in anyway i was contented in my personal bubble but then when it clicked in my head that her being in my life now and possibly forever was a fact i became obsessed with knowing what she was doing who was she seeing what was she saying ( we had a number of mutual friends who took sides during the breakup) i don't know where these obsessions came from but i speculate that it came from thinking that my partner being the one dumpted and not the one dumping that he still longed to be with his ex and i felt i had to out do her to keep my hubby, i also have a huge fear that if hubby doesn't still have feelings for his ex that it would be some other woman, i get very jealous and feel suspicion of imaginary things all the time it drives me nuts.i felt by knowing the ex i would be some how a part of his past and could then move forward with that knowledge, it didn't happen.*sigh*
i must say now a few years past that time i have learned the hard lesson that i cannot now or ever be my hubbys past but can work on being his future but yet the insercurities grew.

i guess what im trying say is that i cannot look at my step daughter and see just another beautiful soul i look to her and see a child who is growing in her hate of the life my hubby and i have to offer and in the knowledge that she can hurt others and be validated in that as her bm supports any and all negativity towards us. i wish i could move past this and try to rebuild the bond i once had for my step daughter but i feel that too much has been said to much has been tainted and the worst i feel is that my step daughter dosen't want it, she wants her mother and her father and not to have any other person involved.which is strengthened when she keeps bringing up that her bm and dad use to be together and that she remembers them all happy together ( which i have to question where she got that idea as she was only 7 months old when her bio parents split) without her step family.

i know from my own upbringing i didn't have any positive or healthy relationships around me so i felt i went into adulthood very disadvantaged and have made poor choices along the way ( hence not dealing properly with the issue of the ex factor) but if i could teach my kids a few things from my mistakes it would be to grow up honest ( with themselves and those around them) healthy (mentally, physically and emotionally) and happy ( with them selves and their situation).

i think i work hard at trying to "fix" things as i have a deep seeded fear of my children ever feeling the way i was made to feel growing up and questioning why they were ever born the only thing i didn't count on was being in a relationship with off siders who dictated alot of the plays ( if that makes sence).

from re reading my previous blogs i have found that looking at just the facts life can appear complicated but happy, but add a handful of feelings and thoughts and life goes off track, going by my heart i want nothing but the best for c and her dad along with my hubby and our family unit living happidly ever after but then my head tells me that this is not so due to an unperdictable ex who interferes at any time she wishes, finances stretched plus insercurities that seem to grow and not subside.*again sigh*

all i know for truth besides death and taxes is that i never wanted to be the evil step mother and im beginning to feel i don't even want to be just a step mum period.

Comments

luvdagirl's picture

My SD went thru a stage where she looked identical to her mom and sadly it coinsided with the "plinko" phase as I call it since if you've ever seen price is right the contestant climbs up to the top of this board and drop a puck which bounces around until it lands in a slot, SD was old enough to realize that what she hears wasn't matching what she knows about us so she would try for the love of mom to find truth in these lies and it put me straight into defense and was just harder with her looking so much like her at that time but Just try to rmind yourself that SD didn't choose her parents anymore than you or I said oh hes cute with a psycho ex lets fall for him. Point it out to her when she does sat something hurtful and try to gauge her reaction, reminding her that she knows you better than BM if its because of something BM has said and if she doesn't want to talk just tell her you love her and when shes ready your willing to talk and leave the door open and sooner or later she will probably come thru it. As for the obsession about her I honestly know what you mean but for me it was more due to a need to figure out why she is what she is and I've realized I WILL NOT LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO GIVE ANY LOGIC TO ANY OF HER DOINGS and she can worry about the consequences of her life.

Empty Risks's picture

"I didn't count on being in a relationship with off siders who dictated alot of the plays"....

That was SO well put! I know exactly what you mean. When we marry, we do it for love and we do it with all the hope in the world, so we get blind-sided by the fact that our love's exes can still be so much...TOO MUCH...a part of the fold. They insinuate themselves into our lives without a care in the world, it seems. G*d I hope I'm never like that as an ex. Ugh!

I feel for you. Best of luck. *hugs*

mumm2five's picture

It was like reading something I'd written when I read you blog. Wowee, I feel the exact same insecurities. The only difference is that SD likes me, and BM1 has never, as of yet, told her anything mean about us. But they (BM1 and DH) didn't have a relationship so that may be why. Everything else about your post could have been me, lol, I was thinking, thank goodness I'm not the only one.