Am I Right? Or not....
Any and all thoughts are gratefully appreciated. I am reaching the end of my tether.
The situation stands thus: I am the sole breadwinner in my home. We have older skid half time, and younger skid a little less. All in all, we have three skidless days per month. I have no kids, barring our furbabies. FDH is finishing up some schooling and it looks like he may get a job, but I will remain the primary breadwinner (think $10/hr versus six figures).
The issue: I'm starting to feel taken advantage of. He does do the cooking. I'm the one who has to step up to the plate for just about everything else. Electrical goes out? I change my schedule to be there to get it fixed. Skid needs a pickup? I take time out of my day off to do it. And don't get me started on skid extras. BM is pissed off she has to pay CS, so she constantly sends the skids here telling us to pay for things because mom has already paid her share. Let's just say that CS wouldn't pay FDH's rent (the house is mine, was mine before I met him, and his monthly CS is about 1/5 of the mortgage), so who's paying for the extras.....hmmmm? Let's take a wild-assed guess.
So last week, after a particularly hard week at work, and picking up all the little extras I normally do, I snapped. After a huge fight, and several days not really speaking, he holds that it's my fault for not telling him to not take his kids so I could have a break. I contend that it is inappropriate for me to tell him when to/when not to have his kids, and he needs to be responsible for gauging the household stress levels if that's going to be his solution.
Ladies, gentlemen, who is right(er) here? I'm not sure, since I figure I'm responsible for taking care of myself, but I shouldn't be responsible for separating him from his kids.
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Comments
i think it's a communication
i think it's a communication issue. in a perfect world you shouldn't have to tell him to do his part, but if you automatically step up to the plate, then he'll eventually just expect you to. so if you do need the break, then TELL HIM before you blow up
You may be right; I thought
You may be right; I thought that my telling him I was taking a day off work to get my equilibrium back was a direct communication that my stress level was high, but men are often dumber than a bag of hammers about this kind of thing. You have to hit them with a frying pan before they "get it."
yeah, and you can't beat
yeah, and you can't beat around the bush either. you need to be direct. there's not a man i know that doesn't ask his woman to be direct. and women like to beat around the bush.
just tell him. i love you but where the kids are concerned, just tell him you need him to do it while you detoxify (or what ever). or ask him to not assume you're going to do it unless you tell him or you guys discuss/agree otherwise.
I'm sorry, but guys can be
I'm sorry, but guys can be dumber than a box of rocks. If you don't tell him, they think life is fine. The more you do, the happier they feel because you're doing it. Set some limits for yourself on what you will and will not do, otherwise, life is going great for him.
But it gets really, really
But it gets really, really hard to resist that urge sometimes!!! You're absolutely right, though. Sigh. Maybe it breaks down to I have tell him when I'm reaching the end of my rope, and give him options on how he has to step it up ( like, you'll need to take on the laundry and all skid ferrying, or manage the vet runs and the kitchen cleanup after skid2 finishes the latest kitchen project, or not get skids 'cause I can't do it all right now. You choose what feels right to you.)
My friend and I use RME for
My friend and I use RME for (Rolling My Eyes) and SMDH for (Shaking My Damn Head), we agree emoticons need to be made for those of us that need sarcasm when dealing with insanity situations.
^^^^ I agree with
^^^^ I agree with Rising.
Don't take care of HIS kids. Don't spend your money on HIS kids.
Don't pay for all household expenses and all the extras for HIM and HIS kids.
Keep your money and assets separate.
It sounds like to me your are constantly picking up the slack for him in all areas and he basically doesn't have to worry about any responsibility.
Do you really want to marry someone that constantly relies on you?
And this is my question. Do I
And this is my question. Do I want to be married to a burden, or a partner? What keeps me from kicking his ass to the curb right now, is I'm wondering if I haven't trained him to do this? I'm thinking I need to try to get him to see he needs to pick up his share, before I blame him for taking advantage of my willingness to step up all the time. If he refuses to get it after that, well, my daddy didn't raise no dummy!
Your advice is excellent.
Your advice is excellent. Happily, we both agree that there will be no wedding until skid2 is out of high school and CS has ended. I guarantee you that BM will rear her ugly head as soon as he starts working in order to get CS flowing back to her like it used to, and there's no way in hell I'll ever put myself in the position that she even has a wet dream that she can even glance in the direction of my bank account. No way, no how. Not a dime of my hard earned money will go to that cow, not now, not ever.
We do have combined finances, but only because I hold all the strings. I get the only and final call on all spending. The first time he breaks that? He'll be flat broke on the streets, since the bank accounts (except for the one he uses to collect CS...no way does she get any of my banking information by tracing how a check was cashed!) are mine, and fed by my income. And I love online banking, check my accounts all the time, can see every transaction almost real-time! Love that Internet, and looooove that iPad! }:)