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No kid is this lazy or clueless, right?

PushedToMyLimit's picture

I've been a lurker, now blowing up my blog venting poster.

There has got to be something wrong with SS9 or I have never seen anyone in my life so lazy to engage their brain with a tiny thought that could make their day (and everyone here) much easier. I have 10 examples a day of this ridiculously stupid crap but here's the recent:

SS9: Can I go out to play with friends? 
He is standing there wearing brand new white knee high socks that were purchased FOR SCHOOL (actually only thing his BM bought him) & it has rained for the last 2 days. We keep school & play clothes separate because he is such a pig he destroys stuff just by looking at it. We also haven't started school yet & this topic was just discussed with him.

Me: Are those new white school socks?

SS9: I don't know

Me: Were they purchased FOR SCHOOL? 

SS9: Yes

Me: Blank stare...followed by repeating everything that was just said & me saying you need to learn how to use your brain & stop this nonsense.

He then acts embarrassed with this conversation (as usual). He never gets it that he would save himself going back upstairs for new socks, looking like a dummy, or irritating me again because he NEVER applies thinking to anything. It is beyond annoying & I am pretty intolerant to this endless behavior. I have BS21 & BS13 so not my 1st rodeo here with kids. I have never seen someone who consistently doesn’t get it or cannot apply a basic thought before an action even when they already knew the answer but they have to become a fool before it's obvious to them. At this point I'm left with 3 ideas: it's done for attention, he's not that smart (like his BM) or just doesn't care what the rules are. I really don't know at this point anymore. 


Lillywy00's picture

Bioparents 90% of the time are willfully incompetent......their spaws reflect this

His BM might be smart but she sounds like she was too ignorant to help him be smart too.

Is he mentally challenged? Has he been diagnosed with any cognitive functioning/mental disabilites? Is he like this everywhere in life (at school too)?

PushedToMyLimit's picture

So half of his DNA is tainted or came in blank. We (SO & I) believe he has cognitive challenges or BM did drugs during pregnancy but no one who matters seems to see it (teachers, counselors, etc). Some things we would expect he would struggle with he gets pretty quickly and other basic things... it's like nobody's home upstairs.100% inconsistent, 100% of the time. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Do you make him repeat back what you say to him?  It's easy to fall into the lecture trap  but I found making mine repeat back to me what I said clarified the message.  If they got it wrong I said it a little different and had them repeat back to me.  Forcing them to think.   

Now if your SS really did fall off the turnip truck head first, this might be frustrating for you to do with him but I'd try it if you haven't already.  He probably shuts down mentally automatically now. Every encounter is stressful and highlights his consistent failures.  

floralsm's picture

Oh yes that's such a good idea! Forever I am telling SD things and she only grasps 1/5 of what I said! I'll ask her to repeat it back. 

Rags's picture

For my SS, though his mom and I were constantly engaged and parenting, it took his 7th grade band director to get through to him. 

"There is nothing special or impressive about you."  

After this message SS came home all upset at what the Director said to him.  The message was nailed home when his mom and I did not get all butt hurt for him and call the school to complain.  We sat SS down and asked him what he was doing to convince his Director that there was nothing special or impressive about him. We reviewed his grades, not bad but definately not special or impressive, etc....   

That was when SS started to gain some self introspective and started to see that his choices impacted him, what others thought of him, etc....

Hearing it from someone other than family, broke the seal and got him moving down the path to start holding himself accountable. It took another 5+ years to have it effectively internalized, but... that is when I think he started to get an inking of clarity.

As for your 9Yo's, not unusual for 9yo boys.  Could be early onset of the teen boy brain farts.

floralsm's picture

SD here looks at dirt and it gets on her clothes. Food, mud, everything. It's annoying as she is also 9 and needs to learn not to get food all overself. I think she does this for attention and a reaction. She knows I don't like socks worn outside without shoes.. but does it. I tell her to not wipe her mouth on her sleeve.. she does it anyway. It's annoying but now I don't give a crap if I wash her clothes and the stains don't come out. She doesn't care, DH clearly pays no attention and I'm over being the one that cares. 
I used to buy SD new socks and underwear now I don't. She wears them to BMs and come back in SS underwear and socks if she isn't wearing BMs rags back! I have no advice other than what I do and just vent and disengage to save yourself mentally. 

PushedToMyLimit's picture

My BS13 can wear white shorts playing basketball in the rain & not get them dirty. It's very odd & he did not get it from me! SO is also frustrated by the piggyness as he does care but gets tired of listening to me gripe. SS literally looks like he crawled from a dumpster most days.

Hastings's picture

Sounds a lot like my SS12. He's not stupid, but seems utterly incapable of problem-solving or even the most basic thinking. For three years now, DH has been dealing with SS and clothes. He'll bring down his laundry basket. DH does laundry, puts clothes back on top of the basket and has SS take the clothes up and put them away. Not only would SS not put the clothes away, he would dump dirty clothes on top of the clean ones, which would turn back up at the next laundry time. DH tried having SS take clothes up a few pieces at a time. He talked. He explained. He removed privileges. Nothing works. We'd make him do his own laundry, but we can't trust him not to flood the whole downstairs. I'll have to tell him the "repeat it back" method.

Anyway, in his case, it's a mix of self-centeredness, lack of natural consequences, being coddled/babied and just general tween boy-ness.

Sounds like you're handling it well. I don't get involved often. On the rare occasions I say something, I usually give him a look and ask "so, do you think that's a good idea or a bad idea?" When he responds "bad idea?" I just say "you're right." Course correction. But, a day later it all happens again.

Rags's picture

So, I would give him a single task, then instruct him to come get his mom or I when he was done so we could confirm it was actually done, and done well.

That started solving his proglem on follow through.

One action, confirm, next action, confirm........

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Eventually, he could effectively address multiple assigned actions.

The key to sequential and ultimate success, was the parental hairy eyeball.