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Inconsiderate DH

purplegirl201's picture

This was DH's weekend with SS. 

We started out like we always do, BM text DH to tell him that she can't make the 4pm pick up and is looking at 5-5:30. It's an hour drive each way which means we aren't getting home to have dinner until 7ish and we are driving in the dark which we both have a hard time with. On the visitation agreement it actually has a 4pm pick up to accomadate for not driving at night, But for whatever reason she is always later. 

I'd rather not make this ride every weekend but DH looks at it as time we get to spend together. 

Yesterday SS was supposed to go home. BM text DH around 3 and says that he may have to stay another night becasue she can't get him. I hear DH tell SS that he isn't going home and that we will be having dinner soon. DH then comes to me and says that SS is staying anotther night, isn't that great he says we don't have to drive in the rain. I said Why can't she get him? I was told that she didn't feel well. I said to DH that this causes an issue for me becasue on Monday I was supposed to go into the office to print out some things and run some letters for mailings. I was told that he couldn't stay home becasue he is finishing a job and needed to get paid. I get that you need to get paid but I am working from home and am expected to do my job from 8:30-4 each day. I am not happy all that I now have to rearrange my work schedule becasue BM had a tummy ache and he didn't have the balls to tell her that SS staying an additional night didn't work for us. He never does tell her.

I feel like becasue I am working from home they both look at me as a babysitter. SS was with us all summer and I was able to work around that becasue I knew he was with us but this random unexpected change is a problem and when I explained that to DH he said I guess you will have to go in another day. It isn't that simple but why would I expect him to understand. He actually questioned why I had to all of the sudden go to the office to do something like it was a lie and I had something else planned. 

DH told me 3 weeks ago to mind my own business in regard to the drop off and picking up of his son becasue I was aking too many questions about why the times kept getting changed. I stopped asking questions and I really don't care, but I am becomming very resentful becasue he seems more concerned about his ex's feeling than his wife's. If he was worried about how I felt he would have told BM that he had to ask if I had any plans but he didn't. So now I have to rearrange my day so that someone is here to watch SS. 

Am I being petty ? 



notsobrady's picture

You're not being petty. The only thing he is doing or attempting to do is avoid conflict with BM. I cannot count the number of times DH told me to mind my own business but then turned right around and needed MY help! Such the double standard!!!

tog redux's picture

No - he will need to take SS to work with him on Monday or find a babysitter, you can't change your plans. If he asks why "None of his business".

Stop letting him take advantage of you. 

ETA: Also, stop going with him to pick up SS, if he can't make BM stick to the time, then don't enable that by going along.

Mamabearof3's picture

You’re not being petty. Tell him if he wants you to be a parent then your viewpoints on raising the kid needs to be respected. No more changing times for the ex. 

advice.only2's picture

Your DH is going to have to find a sitter and pay while you do your JOB!! I can't even imagine having to explain to my DH why my JOB is a priority over his lack of child care.

Cover1W's picture

Or even some appointments.  I remember DH used to take advantage of the fact I was 'helpful' because it was a freaking nightmare sometimes to get SDs out of the house on time in the mornings (and sometimes afternoons) to be somewhere at a particular time.

I started by saying "no" I cannot help you because my appointment has been scheduled for some time and I'm not cancelling it due to the SDs having a meltdown. Or I will not re-arrange my work day which I have planned out for some time now to make it easier for the skids schedule; it's my job to determine how I manage my job.

Gimlet's picture

OP, put your foot down NOW.  Your DH is fine telling you to butt out, but he expects you to rearrange your work to accommodate his inability to enforce the CO, which is again something he told you was none of your business.

NO.  Tell him he will have to figure something out for SS, period, because you did as you were asked, you stepped out of the exchanges, and you cannot be responsible for SS now just because it's convenient for him and for BM.

Even if you did it this time (as it's now noon and I imagine you did), I would make it super crystal clear that it will NEVER happen again.  Oh, and stop placating the bored little man boy on his drives, he can make those on his own.  Butting out, remember?

SeeYouNever's picture

It's so annoying when we get stuck with childcare because we're women and it doesn't compute for our SOs to actually parent their kids or arrange childcare themselves. It really makes it seem like he is treating you like a domestic employee when you aren't allowed to ask questions about pickup and drop off but it's assumed you will watch SS when he needs it at the last minute.

I bet he likes the income you bring in so why does he think that your employment nianworth less than his? Why does he think you need to work harder (babysit while doing your job) and he only has to do his one job at a time? I would be throwing a fit if I were you.

Winterglow's picture

FWIW, BM not being able to present the child at 4 pm makes her in contempt of the CO. Your DH is catering to her and taking full advantage of you. Why?

Now listen to all of us - you do not rearrange anything for this child. He is your DH's responsibility. Yes, your DH needs to work but so do you and this is HIS child. It's time he grew a pair and just took the kid back to his mother as per the CO. Not the end of the world but it means he has to actually DO something.

tog redux's picture

Right, next time BM changes the pick-up, he should say, "Sorry, I won't be able to pick him up, please drop him off."  This sounds like the kind of BM who wants to get rid of her kid, so she'll either drop him off or make him available at the court-ordered time. 

And if she tries to get out of taking him back, DH drops him off anyway.

DH jumps at BM's command, and he expects OP to jump at his command. 

justmakingthebest's picture

"DH told me 3 weeks ago to mind my own business in regard to the drop off and picking up of his son because I was asking too many questions about why the times kept getting changed"


I am spiteful as hell and if my husband told me to mind my own business about any damn thing he would see how fast I shut off and check out. I would make sure that he never knew where I was. I would be up and out of the house before he even woke up so that he would have to deal with his kid. If he asked questions I would tell him to mind his own damn business. Oh hell no... This makes my blood boil for you!!!

tog redux's picture

Seriously. DH would rue the day he ever told me to "mind my business" about anything that WAS my business, lol. 

Gimlet's picture

Same.  Especially since those exchanges affect her life.  I would do nothing to help him after that. 

WarMachine13's picture

He's got helluva nerve expecting OP to even hand the skid a kleenex. Sure doesn't need to babysit or chaffeur.

OP, just say NO. Your H needs to take off work and take care of his kid. Real jerk way to talk to your wife. Damn.

purplegirl201's picture

My blood has been boiling all night. 

This morning I wouldn't speak to him and he said "whats wrong". I said really !!!!!

We don't fight often but when we do it's always the same reason...his ex. Her and I have had it out in the past and I am at the point now where i can't even look at her without wanting to hit her with a tire iron. Yes I have visualized it many many times 

SS just woke up at 11 hasn't brushed his teeth or washed up after I asked him to. I asked if he was hungry and got no response becasue he is busy playing Fortenight . I won't ask him again DH can deal when he gets home. I will be dropping SS at his BGM house when I go to the office, it's a little out of the way but today is the only day I have to do what I  need to do since 5 people are now shaing one printer and computer at the actual office so we had to be assigned a day. DH wasn't happy that I was doing that but I really don't care. He isn't happy becasue it means that SS can't play his video games and will be inconvienenced. Yes SS is a spoiled little brat becasue DH feels like he has to always compensate for not being there 24/7.




Gimlet's picture

DH wasn't happy that I was doing that but I really don't care.

Good.  Your husband certainly doesn't care if you are happy.   This would be the last time I handled something like this and I would make sure your H knows that in no uncertain terms.  What an ass.

tog redux's picture

Please make sure he knows this is the last time you will accommodate him and his ex. Next time he can take the day off or drop the kid at the grandparent's home himself.

ndc's picture

This. If DH ever told me to mind my own business, he would have seen the last of helpful ndc. Any time he wanted my help with skids, he'd be informed that I was too busy minding my own business.  That is simply unacceptable.

purplegirl201's picture

DH just called to tell me that he received a cryptic text from BM saying that she would be calling him to discuss her plans for their son and that she is also going to call his school to see if remote/virtual learning is possible. He is confused by this and doesn't know what it means. I DO. It means that for what ever reason she is planning on leaving the child here indeffinately and wants to be sure that he doesn't miss any school.

We just went through this whole custody ordeal and he chose to stay with mom. Can't wait to see if I am right . 




Gimlet's picture

Be mentally prepared to let him know that working from home does not mean you are available to monitor SS's remote learning and that he should not assume that you will provide any care for his son.  He and BM will have to figure it out between the two of them because you are WORKING from home and need to focus on it.

Besides, you aren't the parent, right?

justmakingthebest's picture

I would make it clear to your husband that you have no intentions on being babysitter because BM can't handle being a mom. 

ALSO- that a change like this doesn't get to happen unilaterally. There needs to be a discussion about expectations from SS, BM and DH and what they expect from you! Everyone needs to be on the same page. 

Winterglow's picture

Make it clear BEFORE he has that discussion with BM that his child is NOT to be in your home if HE isn't present. If he wants to do BM a favour, he takes the kid to work with him. "Hey DH, won't it be fun helping your kiddo with virtual school at work?! It could be a REAL bonding moment for you both."

mommadukes2015's picture


he doesn't get his cake and eat it too. Either you are able to freely ask questions about pick up drop off or you don't participate in any SS rated scheduling. Simple as that. 

sounds like neither of them are respecting your time. He didn't take you into consideration. Looks like he either misses work or SS goes with him. His son, his problem and that's his choice. Poor planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on yours. 

halo1998's picture

1.  If DH ever told me to mind my own business regarding SD or GWR for that matter, he would find that is EXACTLY what I would do.  No childcare, no cooking for the precious poopsie, no laundry no NOTHING.  When asked I would respond..I'm minding my own business.

2.  As far as working from home.  Lay down the law NOW.  When Dh brings up his grand plans..simply say. Great what childcare will you be utilizing for SS?  When he responds..well I thought you would.....NOPE..I have a job and just because I am remote now..doesn't mean that I will be forever and you told me to mind my own business.

3.  My next response would be...I didn't marry it, f*ck it and procreate with it. YOU DID..THEREFORE NONE OF THIS IS MY PROBLEM.  


Maganamitre04's picture

As to why do YOU need to rearrange your schedule, when this is his child? He told you to "mind your own business?" Wow! ISNT that something. 

somone wants you to rearrange your life but needs to mind their own business when it's in regards to his child.


I would tell him you are going into to work to WORK! Just like he has a job, so do you and I would tell him he needs to figure out what he's doing with his child because your going to be about your business and go to work! Therefore he'll need to rearrange his schedule.. not you. 

I understand everything you are going thru and my DH tried to play this game with me. I stopped "watching" my SS and rearranging my life simply because my work and life matters too! He has a child and he needs to figure it out just as I do with my own child. I never placed my daughter upon him and never felt the need to. One day I just stopped working my life around his feeling where I "needed" to do for him and SS and told him I won't be watching him and neither is my daughter. We have our own agenda when it comes to work and school. He will need to figure his situation out for his own with his child because I'm not just here as a convenience and a babysitter! The hell, and this was cause he assumed since I was home and so was my daughter he could just get up and go and not think to ask. 

simifan's picture

He is so lucky, I would have left him high & dry, even if I had to work out of the library parking lot. Please, bill him for the babysitting hours.