Supporting DH's breakdowns when they occur and they do...
I mentioned to DH that I have anxiety for Sunday (SD14 is coming to the house for the first time in 7 months) and he responds "I know" I said that I don't have familiarity or unconditional love to go off of and for me it's hard to move forward knowing the past will never be addressed. (for thos who know the story, ya know for those who don't there are a LOT of post prior)
Last night was a VERY hard night for DH, which became a very hard night for me. He was feeling the heaviness of the situation right now. The rejection of his child, the alienation, the fear that he will never be close to her again, the fact that any interaction with her now needs to be carefully handled or she will just go away again. He feels as if he has been nutered out of his ability to parent by HCBM. I asked him if she allowed him to disapline SD when they were married and he said she always interferred and made excuses, because even back then she was guilt parenting.
I listened, I made some suggestions but those were met with him thinking I was attacking him, that he wasn't good enough. I said "Nope that is not what I am saying, I am saying you are either okay seeing your kids superficially or you deal with some of the discomfort and speak with honesty and truth to them and hope that they open up to you" The topic of him not seeing his older son also came up that is what I say "kids" and I mentioned, get ahold of him more, ask him to go see a show or grab a beer, he is 24 he is simple. Just a little more effort may help.
He then stated something along the lines that "I have learned to live with my heartache and misery, but I don't think you can"
DAMN RIGHT I CAN'T NOR DID I SIGN UP FOR A LIFETIME OF HIS MISERY. I made this very clear, reminded him of his promise to look into therapy and stated that this needed to happen sooner rather than later. I expect him to take care of himself, I expect that we are whole complete people who love each other.
Just to be clear- He is a wondeful man to me, but I think he holds all these emotions, feelings and pretends they don't exist and then every few months when it gets a little heavy I deal with this. Last night he tried to loop me in with the others of "You ALL don't think I am good enough" and we are at a point where I simply state "You will not include me in your anger about your exwife and daughter, I am NOT your problem, I am your partner and we are in this together" and he gets it and backs off.
Today I took a pic of his insurance card so I can start researching therapist who take his insurance, if he needs the help with this I can help. But it is 100% up to him to work on him.
I need a break!
My DH still has periods of
My DH still has periods of being down and anxious about SS. He typically doesn't let himself wallow in it for very long, but when he does have those, I just let it go. I don't usually say something unless I think he has some distorted thoughts about it, but then I offer up my own perspective once and let it go. Recently he was tossing and turning about SS19 "ruining his (SS's) life already", which I think is really distorted - IMO, SS hasn't even started his life. DH himself didn't go to college until he was in his 40s so I don't know why he gets hung up on SS not doing it. Anyway, I gave my input, he disagreed and I let it go.
A lot of what he feels is normal. I couldn't have stayed either if DH was going to be endlessly depressed about it - he wasn't. Once he accepted the alienation was happening and he couldn't stop it and it wasn't his fault, he actually thrived on the peace and quiet.
My DH either #blessed and
My DH either #blessed and living life or he is down the rabbit hole which I believe is distorted thoughts and feelings, not healthy by anymeans. I gave simple suggestions about reaching out more to his kids but not much more. I listened a lot which tends to be the standard and asked how I could help. But once the negativity starts, once he is in a place where it's the world against him, I have to try to put an end to it. At this point I feel I have enough influence to pull him out of the spiral but simply stating "Honey you are spirialing and this is not healthy or good for you, take a breath and lets think of something positive"
Yeah DH's son was arrested about a month ago for somethings that are not good. He got in a fight with his girlfriend and she claimed he hit her, we don't know the truth. But of course DH was like "I at least was able to think my son was doing good if my daughter wasn't but now I cannot" and I said he is in his early 20's there is a lot more to the story than we know, we also know the girlfriend tried to text you from his phone saying lies to you, so we don't know what the issue is, otherwise he has been doing fine, he has a good job, he will figure it all out"
He feels as is he has failed his kids, that BM has singlehandedly made him irrelevant in their world (his son is not BM's kid) by her long game lies.
It's so emotionally taxing, I worry about his mental health all the time.
Is there anything good about
Is there anything good about getting arrested?
Hopefully the GF is not lying and sending this kid to a lifetime on the preditors list.
If he did this, he needs to feel the full consequences for his actions.
I know this is heartbreaking. I am sorry that you and your family have to experience this toxic drama.
I agree. I'm just hoping that
I agree. I'm just hoping that it's not true. It breaks my heart because his son "seems" to be a good person, but sometimes you never know what happens behind closed doors
I get it.
I get it. Because they have "troubled relationships" with their children and "traumatic splits/divorces", their issues are earth-shatteringly important and ATTENTION MUST BE PAID. If you don't attend to and respect the subtle sighs, they become mopes which then evolve into a full-blown depression that can last an untold amount of time until their fragile equilibrium is restored. Meanwhile, our petty little problems pale in comparison. Health issues, career matters, finances. What are those through the years compared to his children and how things are going with them? Silly woman!
I used to have patience with my own DH. I used to do my best to soothe and care for and cheer up. It did no good. Honestly I think it was a huge mistake to indulge his depressive moods because he did nothing to resolve the issues that would set them off but rather would just let them ruin his mood and subsequently our time together. He got anti-depressant meds but "forgets" to take them half the time and gets annoyed when I remind him.
Now I just absent myself after a brief assessment of whether this is a passing blip or if he will be playing whipping boy for a while. I just check back in every once in a while to see where his head is and if I feel like re-engaging. It has cut the episodes down in frequency and duration because he no longer has an audience to display his moodiness to or to be bringing him little tidbits to "pick him up." Not nearly as fun to be self-indulgently morose when no one is watching!
At one point while in this
At one point while in this mood he commented that "his life is harder than mine" WOOH there big guy, I have had my share of problems and you know what I worked on them, I got therapy, and I continue to work on my triggers and traumas. Then I was feeling sassy because he was so involved in his own pity party I commented, "I just didn't make a mistake in having kids with crazy people" and he stopped the BS.
I love him but he needs to remember these issues were based on decisions HE MADE!
Yeah, thankfully, my DH never
Yeah, thankfully, my DH never said anything like that. He would instead thank me for sticking around.
90% of the time he does and
90% of the time he does and shows his appriciation and thankfulness for me in his life but the way he was last night I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time
Wow - that
Wow - that sounds familiar! And also super ridiculous because he was the rather spoiled son of a wealthy family while I was the daughter of abusive crazy people and am entirely self-made. You were much kinder than I was. I told him that I did not "breed with crazy and get my money from daddy" and invited him to go f*ck himself. By then my patience with the pity party was exhausted and I was not going to entertain such blatant disregard for reality!
yes,
yes,
My traumas began at childhood and I was out of the house at 16. While he was not raised in a rich family his childhood (you know the part that shapes you) was your standard two happy parents and sister nuclear family. My father took off when I was little, made random apperances over the years and my mother married three times, the 3rd time with a man she knew a very short while.