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Separation Update!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

2.5 weeks down.  He's escalating hardcore...  He showed up to the gym when I was there... Tried to guilt me into coming back. Informed me that he's been a "changed man for 19 days now!!! And I should see just how permannent it is!"  Didn't like it when i said no.  And proceeded to inform me I was making a mistake... So i did a quick run through of his patterns for him from the last three years...

  • Talked me out of becoming a marine because we "needed a foundation" and "needed to build trust."  So I put it on a delay.  Few months after we got married we went and I met with a recruiter again. I was so excited!!! He crushed me, became cold and cruel until i dropped it.
  • Let his mom and ex walk all over us
  • Didin't listen to me about the car until the ex got it repossesed, then proceeded to pay for it, and the ex's many loans, because she "doens't have the money."
  • Made promises he never kept... Including, but not limited to:
    • Reporting CS (which he finally did a week after I left)
    • Not letting the ex in any house I reside in (broke that three times)
    • Not making the ex pay any of her own bills
    • IDK... Our wedding vows?
  • Had an affair for four months, leaving me to care for kids alone
  • Still is lying about said affair. Claiming he "Never spent money on her," (I looked at the credit card bills... AND since he had ZERO monies and kept asking for them from me... Yeah... BS), "Never had sex or kissed her." (there were pictures on his phone... Of her in her underwear... Pictures of them in bed together... So again... Bulls***.  Not to mention pictures of an engagement ring... YUP)  "Didn't buy her a christmas present" (I checked the amazon account after everything... Again... BS)
  • Had accounts on multiple dating sites, a secret instagram, was having innapropriate conversations with a coworker, and some girl on the instragram I knew about
  • Blocked me instead of deleting snapchat
  • Throwing around the d-word (divorce) like candy when he's pissy
  • Not answering the phone whenever I need him
  • Hanging up on me whenever he felt the conversation wasn't going his way

So now that we're separated:

  • Not actually doing anything he promised until i walked out
  • Trying to guilt me into coming back.. Talk of me being "the only thing that makes life worth living, and the only one that makes him happy."
  • Not telling his ex to back the f*** off and stop saying s*** to people... (Just in case you're curious... She had SD6 asking what divorce was and when we were getting one after spending a few days with Psycho... Oh and Psycho Sr dropped off the kids this week and supposedly gave DH a hug and said she was so sorry he's going through this.
  • Trying to make me jealous... Informed me that other girls are interested, that coworker he was tlaking to inappropriately supposedly told him if he needs company to let her know... Oh yes... Because bringing up someone you were being innapripriate with TOTALLY gets you brownie points *eye roll*
  • Opened my fitness outfit subscription box then got pissy with me because the "jacket is see through and that's so innapropriate" (that shipping has been moved to coworker's house for next month! Thank goodness!)
  • Would not leave me alone when I was looking for furbaby last night.... (my other furbaby loozened his collar, then was pissing him off... So come to find out.. He went to go see the cow he met one our run the day before... Apparently that's his new bestie... But I was in a panic... lol)  I called him and told him to knock it the fork off.
  • He then sent me a million messages apologizing and professing his love.... NOPE..
  • Has accused me of cheating on him at least 12 times... When? Idk... Cuz I've been studying and at work and s***.
  • Tried to convince me to come home THIS WEEKEND, saying he'd sleep on the couch... Then threw a hissy fit when I said no...
  • Asked if he could come and visit me at coworkers house... NOPE. He!! no in fact...

So the joys of seperatation... I'm starting to think I was MENTAL.  It's manipulation tactics and trying to guilt me...  And filled with three years of history... 19 days doens't clena antyhign up... Oh also.. He's going to MY church Sunday... The one he told em he had ZERO interest in prior to me walking out... Thankfully I have plans this sunday (close friend being baptized into a different church... And she wants support). But seriously!

Other news though :)  Coworker has been a joy. Great with my furbabies, super nice, checked on me when he could tell I was pissed off.  And said not to worry about finding somewhere until I was ready since he doesn't use the space I'm in anyways.  Been an absolute gentleman about the whole thing!


Ispofacto's picture

Is it too late for you to join the Marines?  That would get you away from him.


ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

It's not. I have three mroe years before I get over the age limit of being able to join... Only hold up right now (because I did think of that!) Is figuring out this whole process, and my furbabies couldn't come with me. So I'd need them in a trusted place, or drive them to my parents and pray they'll keep them until I can get them back.  I absolutely will NOT be returning them to H.  They stay with me, or someone I actually trust!

tog redux's picture

Wow. I guess you are figuring out just how controlling he is. He's all but demanded you return home, RIGHT NOW.

I hope you've filed divorce papers.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I haven't filed yet.  Not saying I don't plan to of course!  Because this whole situation is mental... BUT,  I spoke with a lawyer friend, he's willing to look over the paperwork so I can file myself, just have to save up some cash and then hope that he'll just sign the papers and I won't have to get an actual lawyer.

tog redux's picture

It's crazy - but remember, if he really loved you, he'd listen and he'd put YOUR needs first. All he cares about are his own.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Pointed that out. Also bluntly asked why I should believe him when he cheated... Because imho, you don't cheat or use those you love.

ntm's picture

But with one this controlling and obsessive, you’re going to need an attorney. He’s not voluntarily signing any papers. My ex told me almost daily that he couldn’t wait until he had enough money to get a divorce. When I filed, it turned into a three year, three state, four attorney epic battle. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Thank you Chmmy! That's the goal!  My headspace is already feeling quite a bit clearer Smile

SteppedOut's picture

I'm sorry PA. I have been in abusive relationships before also. I know how hard it is to leave. But, now is the time to leave. 

He has been nothing but a cheating sorry ass, sounds like, the entire time. I promise it will not change. 

How nice for him you have been watching his kids and paying the bills so he could have spending money while he ran around and got laid.


ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

That's how it feels to me too.  I feel very used... The worst part is, in some twisted way, I do still love him.  But, love isn't everything.

And I pointed that all out to him too. That since I know about one affair, and three dating profiles, one of which is a hookup app, plus AT LEAST 2 girls he was being innapropriate with,  it's hard for me to not believe there are more.  And it's hard for me to trust that he's a "changed man!" 

The hardest part was actually walking out the door.  It's easier to not be living there.

SteppedOut's picture

You love who you thought he was, not who he actually is. Please read that again. The man you love does not exist. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Girl, I completly understand. You have a physical/chemical addiction to him and you love someone who does NOT exist. The day you reconcile yourself with the truth that you loved who you thought he was is the day the real healing starts.

I'm sorry you had to experience this.

Indigo's picture

There are groups that network & help military personnel keep their pets while deployed/training, etc.


ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Thank you!!! I didn't know about that!!! But if I can utilize that, it would absolutely break my heart to lose those two!

ndc's picture

Oh, PA, the more facts I hear, the more I think you should file ASAP and leave this poor excuse for a husband behind as soon as you can.  He is clearly a man of low character who is not worthy of your love.  

Livingoutloud's picture

So this married man was on dating sites this whole time and was intimate with women? Pictures of women in underwear?? I highly recommend you see a doctor to get STD testing done. I know someone who contracted HIV from her cheating DH. No men worth it. Do check up quick.

Please know if you go back to him he’ll continue cheating. It’s not like he had drunken one night stand. He seeked females by joining dating sites and making fake accounts. He is a serial long time cheater and user. People like this don’t stop. They just get more careful about hiding evidence and lying 

hereiam's picture


notsurehowtodeal's picture

Up until reading your list, I thought there was a slim possibility you might work this out, but not now. I don't see how you come back from all the cheating. "Had accounts on multiple dating sites, a secret instagram, was having innapropriate conversations with a coworker, and some girl on the instragram I knew about." You might get past one affair, but it doesn't look like he has ever been completely faithful to you! Please get to your gynocologist and get all the STD testing done.

I have never like your DH since he wouldn't help you when your dog was killed. For your sake, I'm sorry I was right to not like him. You deserve so much better. Figure out something for your dogs and go for the Marines. They would be lucky to get you!


ESMOD's picture

I had known my dh less than 2 months and he drove back from a business trip 2 states away when my horse was killed on a road.....I cant even

advice.only2's picture

Thank god you never had kids with this man.  When you file you can walk away free and clear. 

Gimlet's picture

I'm sitting here fuming for you.  FUMING.  He's a horrible f*cking person and I hope he gets antibiotic resistant syphilis in the future and his dick rots off.

Stay strong, PA.  You are so much better than this flaming pile of excrement.

DPW's picture

What a pr*ck! 

Youbdeserve so much better PA, so much better.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Was so surprised to hear all this...have followed your posts.  You have done so much for those children and DH. 
He does not deserve you.

Maybe you think you still love him. But it is very clear he never loved you.  What he has done has never been love.  
Be strong. Hug your fur babies. They love you.  Guard your heart. 

BethAnne's picture

You are rocking this separation thing and doing a great job at moving on and staying strong. You've got this. 

P.S. Testing is not embarassing, doctors do it all the time. If you want a *full* screening then look into your local lgbt health provider as they tend to be more thorough than your average provider. Personally I think that everyone should get tested regularly, especially women as some  STD's are symptomless in some women but can affect fertility.

sickofstephell's picture

I don't know you like everyone else in these comments but I read your other blogs and it sounds to me like you like the attention from your soon to be ex. I gathered you do not share children with him. So if you have made it to the point where you left, be done with him already. It is not hard to make someone stay away and leave you alone IF that is what you REALLY want.

StepUltimate's picture

It is not hard to make someone stay away and leave you alone IF that is what you REALLY want.


I had to get a restraining order, change my phone #, and stay with friends until I could move when a man (who had a nice job, home, car, and good conversational skills, and was seemingly very polite and NORMAL) decided to fixate on me after two dates by stalking me at home, at work, by phone, and on the internet. I share this to say it is NOT always easy to make someone leave you alone. 

Not sure what inspired your comment or where you're coming from. PA is dealing with a f*cked-up loser who is demonstrating sick, entitled, stalker *ssholery so you decide to victim-blame?

HowLongIsForever's picture

Wildly inappropriate.

Generally speaking, you don't MAKE someone stalking you stop.  They don't just agree to let you be, they don't find something else to fixate on, they aren't afraid of a piece of paper.  It ends after extremes.  Typically on part of the victim.  Especially when it originates with the end of an unhealthy relationship.

That is, by the way, what the person experiencing a stalker is: a victim.

Regardless of what has transpired between two people, nobody deserves the violation of being stalked.  It is not something most people will have to experience and therefore won't understand but that's no excuse to place blame on the victim.


lieutenant_dad's picture

Sure, if you have endless supplies of money and can just pack up your life and go elsewhere, then it's FEASIBLE to give yourself a break IF the other person doesn't figure out where you went and follow.

But when you don't have tons of funds? And you live in a tiny town with A gym and A bank and A pharmacy? It's super easy to figure out where people are and just dribe around to find their vehicle. 

You've either never divorced someone who REALLY didn't want to lose control, or you've never dealt with a stalker, or you've NEVER been in an abusive relationship because you'd know just how factually incorrect your statement is.

And if you had bothered to listen to your own "I don't know you as well as the others", then it might have occurred to you that you don't know the SEVERAL YEAR story of what PAI has gone through and what her H has put her through. And you'd know her past. And you'd know that she has said MULTIPLE TIMES that she WANTS to file for divorce and she WANTS to get away BUT she lacks the funds to do so.

You're not spreading wisdom here. You're ignorant to the situation and spouting off. Be mindful of what you say, because it won't win you points here to talk out your rear end.

sickofstephell's picture

I am not trying to "win points."

In my short time here, I have learned that many regulars are allowed to judge and leave their opinion for others - respectfully or not. But I suppose you have to be a member here for a certain length of time before you're allowed to state an honest opinion OR you are only allowed to be blunt when you comment on a NEW user's post.

They really need to specify that on the website rules of conduct page.

Monkeysee's picture

PA has left her home, repeatedly told her H she’s not coming back, spoken with a lawyer & is getting her ducks in a row to divorce this POS. Yet you think she likes the attention because she didn’t immediately sever ties with the children she’s been nearly single handedly raising for the past 3 years? Mmkay. 

You don’t sound like you’re simply ‘offering an opinion’. You sound like a bitter woman who wants to stir up drama & derail PA’s post because so many long term members are offering her support. Heaven forbid a group of ‘internet strangers’ support a woman leaving an abusive situation. By all means though, keep kicking the woman while she’s down if that’s what makes you happy.

Gimlet's picture

GTFO with that.   You're right, you don't know her, you have no idea what you're talking about, and she doesn't need shitty comments like this right now.

ndc's picture

Nothing PA has said makes me think she likes the attention from her ex. I'm not sure how you got that impression or why you felt the need to make your unhelpful comments.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Even without knowing PA - how did you come to that conclusion? Nothing she has written since she left her DH gives the impression that she wants his attention.

And just so you know, although they don't have children together, she has essentially been the mother to his children for the last several years. So from an emotional standpoint, she is having to deal with losing the two children.

You have been a member for a week, please understand people's back stories before you make disparaging remarks.

sickofstephell's picture

I did read her previous blogs but I could have sworn that she is babysitting his children for him? That, to me, doesn't seem like a good way to rid him from her life.

If I ever get away from my husband, I sure as hell would never babysit my steps. That would not be productive in trying to cut ties with him.

It was just my thought on it. I didn't mean to upset her anonymous online friends. But I do find it mildly entertaining that you all act like you know each other personally.

Cooooookies's picture

Stop victim blaming and stirring the pot for what?  A few moments of online amusement?  She is going through a really tough time and all you can do is try and tell her that she's wrong.  How?  I don't recall her blogging that she invited her cheating, verbally abusive to her place of employment for lunch.  I don't recall her blogging asking that he cheat on her because she enjoys it.  I don't recall her blogging and asking him to join various dating sites because she wanted to feel used and awful.  I don't recall any blog with her stating she has mountains of money so she can move away anonymously and start a new life with the snap of her fingers.

I've read quite the opposite, actually.  Sometimes posters are not ready to face reality and give excuses and invite the drama because they cannot face facts.  Absolutely, there are a handful.  This poster isn't one of them so I really cannot see where you're getting your information and formulating your views.

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, sickofstephell,

You can’t know a member’s full circumstances by reading a single blog. That’s why one should be so cautious about negative comments. 

If there seems to be undue defensiveness about PAI, it’s because she both needs and deserves our support right now. She’s been quick to offer encouragement and reassurance to many others here on ST in her empathetic, funny and tolerant way.

 SMs like PAI,  who truly love their stepchildren despite tolerating abuse and hardship on their behalf, are not thick on the ground. PAI is a woman of genuine character and integrity whose growth, over the last 2 years, has impressed and inspired many of us. 

 Someday, Hon, you might be in a step-hell pickle and I assure you, we’ll all be here to offer whatever support we can. Sorry that you’re hurt! Sorry 2

sickofstephell's picture

I'm not hurt. I'm just tired. I read through many of her blogs, not just this single one. But I apologize for upsetting everyone so much. I was stating my opinion and upsetting her friends was not my intent.

Monkeysee's picture

There is something fundamentally wrong with anyone who blames the victim. You clearly don’t understand how difficult it is for women to leave abusive relationships, nor how dangerous it can be for them. You must obviously believe that PA’s love for these kids can be turned off like a freaking tap, and that leaving them is an easy decision for her. How lucky for you that you’ve never been faced with a situation like this. Your profile name is sickofstephell yet you’ve got no compassion for someone who’s in the process of actually leaving? Sounds like major projection. My guess is you’re the one who gets off on the attention from your partner or others about your life. PA doesn’t need your negativity, she’s got enough on her plate without this garbage.

susanm's picture

NO.  It is NOT an easy thing to make someone stay away from you when they are fixated.  Not even close.  I find it hard to believe that you have never been acquainted with anyone who has dealt with a stalker.  Most women have a friend or relative who have had that experience if they have not had it themselves.  When a man has developed an obsession, a simple "go away" is not enough.  Even court orders and police involvement often is not enough to disuade them.  A woman is never in more danger than in the time immediately surrounding the ending of a relationship with an obsessive man.  I hope that you do some research and become educated so that you can support the women in your life who may need your help in the future.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Girl, Imma bout to grab this little a-hole and deliver him some borrowed Aniki justice. This is BS to the extreme. You need to inform the police ASAP. He has crossed enough boundaries to justify the call, and since he clearly doesn't respect women, MAYBE he'll respect someone in a uniform who would also be happy to talk to his superiors at whatever ambulance service he works for.

I know you're tired. I know you just want this to end. But you're going to have to take precautions to keep yourself safe - and I'm not just talking physically. File a complaint with the police department and see if you can get a protecrive order from the county courthouse. The police report will likely be enough to get you the PO, and it will be in place until your divorce.

He's going to keep coming around because he has a lot to lose, including control of you. If he can make you feel uncomfortable to go out, then he likely thinks that you'll get tired and just."come home". Call his BS and end this. I know it's hard, but if anyone can do it, it's you.

Don't make the same mistake I did and let it drag out. 

StepUltimate's picture

Girl, Imma bout to grab this little a-hole and deliver him some borrowed Aniki justice.

OMG: Team LD! I would pay big $$ & pop some buttery CORN to see this go down!


lieutenant_dad's picture

Pop up enough and sell it with some tickets and Merlot. Proceeds benefit the "Get PAI OUT" fund.

I'm in a mood today and have no patience to deal with people's f***ery.

Gimlet's picture

Same here.  If you're ready for a road trip, I'll lace up my curb stomping boots and join you. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

You bring the boots, I'll grab the stilettos. There's nothing quite like the feeling of a spike right between your vertebrae...

Ugh, this man just infuriates me, and it infuriates me more that I gave him the benefit of the doubt because PAI cared about him so much! *insert string of expletives here*

Gimlet's picture

Agreed, I think most of us did. 

If she wavers from her path we will have to go Liam Neeson on her and drag her back out.

theoldredhen's picture

I'm IN!

I'll be bringing along the special, redhen, rolled-up newspaper, good for beating selfish bastards about the head and shoulders. On this special occasion, a brick will be nestled amongst the pages.

Sorry, PAI, but we'll just have to take matters into our own hands. You are, and have always been, too damned nice!

futurobrillante99's picture

I'm in and I just sayin to PAI's douchcanoe soon to be ex: "I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let PAI go, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will [insert bad stuff] you."

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I'm so glad you said this. I have never like her DH and have often been critical when posting about him - but I also tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because of PA's feelings. It just makes me twice as mad at him now when she gave him so many chances.

Daisymazy2's picture

Keep it with you.  Read this list constantly.  Once you get all your stuff out of the house, you can stop answering the phone or text. Better yet, get a new phone number and don't give it to him.

I have dealt with a crazy break up myself.  It isn't as simple to some men to just tell them to go away. I moved out of the house we shared together and he found out where I lived.  I couldn't afford to move again and I worked from home.  He would show up all the time  ringing the door bell and acting a fool. He would call and leave a voicemail telling me if I didn't answer that he was coming over.  I would grab the kids and try to get out of the house before he had time to get there. Sometimes, I could get out and other times I wasn't fast enough. It was so frustrating because the cops would come over and tell him to leave.  He would leave but them come back  or keep calling.  At the time, I couldn't block his number or afford to change mine.

I started shopping at different stores at different dates and times that I would normally go out.  I didn't shop at the same store twice to avoid him.  I changed my entire schedule. 

I tried to file a protection order against him.  It wasn't granted because I wasn't "scared enough".  If you decide to file a protection order make sure you state  that you are scared for your life.  I didn't say that and I really wished I did.

After a few months he did stop all the stalking.  During the time he was stalking me and driving me crazy, he was living with someone else.  Yes, he was cheating with her when we were together.  We lived together for awhile and he was a serial cheater.   His new "honey" wasn't helping him pay the bills.  He had to take care of her.  He would leave me voicemails complaining that she didn't help him out and he needed me to come back.

It has been over 10 years ago since we broke up.  He has another kid by another woman.  He has 2 grown kids that have different mothers.  He has been through  A LOT of relationships.  Been engaged a few times and each time it ended because the women say he cheated but of course, to hear his side they ALL cheated on him.  Most of the women  are in long term relationships now and seemed to be happy.   Yes, I do live in a small town and everyone knows everything around here.

Livingoutloud's picture

I just saw on your other blog that you are still babysitting his kids and more so you volunteer for it. I think it will be very hard to prove stalking and harassment to the police if you keep going in to the house (even if he isn’t there) and babysitting his kids. That really needs to stop. Not saying you can’t have contact with them in the future but now? No, you should not 

Gimlet's picture

So make that point. I agree that she should stop babysitting his kids.  She cares about them and is having trouble breaking that tie, but it does need to be broken.  That isn't the same as her wanting attention from him.


notsurehowtodeal's picture

PA has only mentioned watching the kids once (back on Oct. 2)  - and part of the reason she did it was so she could pack up and move some more stuff. I'm sure she will update on that part of it as well - but no where did she say she was watching them on a regular basis.

Siemprematahari's picture

Are you still watching his kids? If you are, you should consider eliminating that and possibly filing a restraining order if he keeps showing up unexpectedly.