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I'm the primary parent-its alot!!!!

Primarymom's picture

I have been a step mom for about 4 years. My step son is 6 years old. He calls me mom. I love him and care for him. His Bio mom decided to move away at the beginning of the year 2021 to a new state. I have legal guardianship of my stepson as my husband is in the military. His bio mom was gone the majority of 2019 and with COVID 2020 I was the one who would take care him because she works with machinery and I work from home.

Most of the time I feel resentful because I never imagined to be the primary caregiver for my stepson. I have a son of my own he is 10 years old. I divorced his dad when he was 5 and we have 50/50. I understand how is to have a child 100% and not having my kid 100% after my divorce was really hard. I can't understand emotionally why Bio mom will leave. She said she wanted to live closer to her family and the city we lived in was expensive. I GET IT!!!!!!!! But I felt like i didn't have a choice. She didnt even try to fight for him. She didnt try to take him. She said it was best for him to stay with us so, she can figure life out. I'm currently 29 and she is 28. I love my step son but I feel burnt out. I don't have the natural mother instinct I have with my son. I feel guilty I don't. Sometimes I don't want to hug him all the time. Sometimes I struggle being patient. Some days are harder than others.

I also have conflicting feelings/thoughts. I want him to just love me. He still loves his bio mom and gets excited when she calls. But he didn't cry when she left. He never asks about her. She calls once a week maybe. Most recently she has decided to start playing roblox with him and so now he wants to talk to her because he wants to use the technology and play with someone. I told him only when she calls. We only have my iphone he doesn't have an ipad.

Anyways, sometimes I want to just be vulnerable and love him but I'm scare to get close to him because I feel he will never chose me even though I'm here everyday. I'm the one that plays, school, and takes care of his basic needs. I know that is my own insecurities and I'm going to therapy but these feelings dont seem to get better. I'm feeling frustrated that his bio mom goes from once a week of calling him to every day. The funny thing is that I'm the one that encouraged her to call him and play roblox with him.

She is really bad at communicating with me. She doesn't communicate with my husband either. AGAIN, I'm the one taking care of my stepson and make most of the decisions. I get frustrated she doesn't check in with me and ask me if its okay to play roblox or minecraft. I'm not gonna say no but I would feel appreciated if she would just have the courtesy to ask. She asks me once a month how everything is going. She has told me is that she doesnt worry because she hears how happy he is over the phone.

IDK I feel resentful towards her. She doesn't understand how motherhood is hard. Before I came into the picture my husband took care of my stepson for a year all by himself because she had to travel for work. He was in the NICU for his first 6 months. She doesn't pay child support. I potty trained him, I was the one that apply for elemantary schools, I was the one that had to pick her slack when she would leave for work. She literally told me that she has been busy since January settling down, sleeping, and getting things ready for when my stepson goes to visit her in the summer. She has said she wishes he could live with her but doesnt. She told me if it ever gets hard for us that we can send my stepson with her. like WTF!!!!!!

Sometimes I just wish I can tell her how much I resent her and that I don't understand her decisions.


Exjuliemccoy's picture

You're doing all the work for BOTH of the bio parents, and that's not how things are supposed to be. OF COURSE you feel burnt out and resentful. OF COURSE you don't love him like your own, because he's not.

This arrangement is unfair to both you and your SS, and you need to stop sacrificing yourself for other people's problems. Don't waste time feeling guilty - you've given it a good try, but it's not meeting the needs of the child or you. This boy needs his parent(s), plain and simple. No one, no matter how well intentioned, can take the place of that. No amount of therapy can make something wrong right, and your gut is telling you so.

You need to be honest with your H. Have the hard conversations, and hold him accountable for figuring out how to be a custodial dad. He needs to stop outsourcing his responsibilities, stop cutting BM so much slack, and stop expecting you to pick it all up for both of them. You should be focusing on your own needs, your own career, and being the best mom you can be to your son.

Primarymom's picture

I totally agree. Yet, it is so hard Sad

Bio mom has drinking issues and plain irresponsible. I fear for him. Part of me wishes yes for him to leave and be with his bio mom. Yet, the other part of me I worry for his well-being.

These feelings come and go! I adore my SS but sometimes I just feel like running away.

shellpell's picture

I can't imagine having my own child half the time and having to take care of another woman's child 100% of the time.

shamds's picture

The judge that she couldn't be bothered to care for 3 kids as it was too much work but it wasn't too much work for her to spread her legs open and get pregnant all those times!! Judge awarded sole custody of ss to my husband and 2 sd's to the exwife. 

exwife cut off ss for 5.5 yrs purely out of spite because when judge asked did he want to live with daddy when biomum said it was too much work, claimed he was defiant struggled with homework etc just to get out of parenting and caring for him, ss said ok he will live with dad because he didn't want him to be lonely and biomum ended contact even though she didn't want him, sd's were a free cs piggybank.

frankly ss is not your problem to be responsible for. His dad can't use the excuse of military as a reason. The parents need to get their shit together. Seriously we have a hard enough time raisin our own bios as stay at home housewives why the heck should we do it so the biomum can figure life out??

nah she should have figured out her shit before she got pregnant. Her figuring life out ended when she got pregnant and had her kid!!

Primarymom's picture

I told him how irresponsible to have a baby when their relationship was so rocky!

But I agree. His mom was around much and he didn't have a dad. So, I think he just really wants a mom figure for his son. He is a good dad and that is one of the reasons I fell for him. He said he can't control her actions and can't make her stay. & Well bio mom idk..I barely met her last summer for the first time. We had 0 contact for a while up until June of 2020. & in Oct/Nov 2020 she got comfortable and said she wanted to leave. I dont really understand her! She also didn't grow up with a mom yet, she is doing the same. She says she feels bad that she can't be there for him but that this is the life the we all chose. She also moved closer to family so, they can help with him.

I Think I Am's picture

I can understand you feeling resentment towards her, I would too but can I ask, where is your DH at!? He sounds like a non-factor & that's a problem, resent him too, he desrves some of it. I feel bad for you, you honestly sound like a really nice person, too nice.

Primarymom's picture

I do resent my husband as well. I have been open to him about my feelings. I have told him that is emotionally, mentally, and physically draining to take care of a child I did not asked to bring to the world. Due to the military, he sometimes has underways and deployments. When he is home he helps me out. He has always told me how much he appreciates me and that he might not fully understand my feelings but is there for me. I used to feel taken advantage by him when we were dating. I really love how he respects my parenting style and understands the importance of structure. I just wish he would put in the same work with my son as I do for his son.

Winterglow's picture

Firstly, you ARE being taken advantage of. 

Secondly, when he's home, he should not be "helping", he should be doing it ALL for his son. 

Thumper's picture

Why do you have guardianship of your SS? Is that in part of a military parent plan because he is deployed?

If you have legal guardianship, bm should have been tpr'd. --UNLESS bm is part of a cps case. but still it is strange you were given legal guardianship just because bm is ncp as long as her parental rights are fully intact.

My questions are just to try to understand the entire bigger picture. 

Try to remember you do have options here. Do you have bio's with your husband?


Primarymom's picture

So, they added me to their custody agreement. I'm called a joinder. I have the same physical and legal rights as my husband. His bio mom agreed because I'm the one that is here. In case of an emergency I can make decisions without them.

I do not have children with him, yet. We are hoping to try in the summer. I had my first baby when I was 18 years old. & never imagined to become a mom again. Being a young mom was rough! He says he is concerned that his son will be left out. He can see how much I love my son and feels that his son will not get the same treatment. I told him its unfair because I spend more time with my SS than my own son. I have special play time every day with SS. I put him to bed and read a book everyday. When he cries I'm there and tell him its okay to cry I'm here for you. I don't know what else he wants from me. I have just told him that of course my son is my favorite child and the one I naturally love. I wanted him even when I was stupidly in love at 18. I took care of him and grew up. I still graduated from college. I never gaved up. I will be completing a masters program this May. & let me tell you stressful AF. Working, school, and having the kids at home--- I had some mental breakdowns with little support. I ended up ranting on this one. sorry.

Thumper's picture

Its ok...please vent here..We are here to listen and help anyway we can.