Losing Grip on my Family...What's Next?
Hello, thanks for reading (this post is pretty long) and looking forward to all the responses. Hoping to get some insight and help, because I am desperate and at my wits end.
A little backstory: I met my stepson when he was 5. I was 23, had no kids at the time, and my mind was set on not wanting any biological children. So I took to SS well. He was my little buddy and we bonded quickly over cartoons, video games, songs, and snacks. SS is a sweet boy who is very loving and never gave me any stereotypical SS/SM problems; I consider myself very lucky, especially after reading some of the problems other families have with their SKs. Husband and I have him every other week. I became surprise pregnant when SS was 8. He was thrilled and has been begging for a sibling for years, so we were happy to have this addition to the family. When I was pregnant with BS, my motherly instincts kicked in and I became more of a mother towards SS. Once BS was born, I left work to become a SAHM and took on the role of "MOM" eagerly and with naive optimism. Over the years (it's been around 2.5) the optimism has all but left and replaced with ever growing resentment and guilt for even feeling such a terrible way.
I give SS lots of love and affection and treat him as he is my own son. I plan special outings with him, buy him things that he wants, and cook him his favorite dishes. He calls me mom and is very affectionate with me. But I can't shake these feelings of resentment and a lot of the time SS annoys me with his constant need for attention. I am afraid to take any disciplinary actions because he mopes around and cries if he thinks I'm upset at him. He has told me he feels that we love his little brother more than him. We sat him down and told him that's untrue and we love him to the ends of the Earth. However, it never seems to be enough and he is always pointing out if something feels unfair to him ("how come you get upset at me if I do something wrong but BS gets away with it?"). I try to stay fair as possible but sometimes, it's diffcult because BS is TWO and SS is TEN. I have also explained the age gap means different treatment sometimes and that's just how it is. The resentment and guilt is growing and growing. I feel selfish for thinking he is ruining my firstborn experience with my own child. I feel like I can't snuggle and hug and love my BS when SS is around because he runs to me for the same affection when I just want to love my own son for a moment without having to worry about how SS feels. I also fear that SS is growing resentful of BS. I am doing everything I can to make sure this doesn't happen. I want them to have a good relationship with eachother for life.
We've caught him lying many times. I am worried he is becoming a habitual liar. Just recently, I noticed his behavior changing and snooped on his iPad. I found him chatting inappropriately to a girl online. He was saying things I NEVER thought my sweet, ten year old boy would ever say. The first thing I thought was that I have failed him as a parent. I haven't told his father because my husband is a firecracker and the last thing I need his for my husband to go off on his son and ruining any trust we even have left for eachother. He is already lying and hiding things from us. I'm not sure what he is doing when he is at his mother's but she seems to have a more overprotective parenting style than I. So I feel all this is my fault, for letting him play Roblox and use chat apps. I had a brief sex/internet safety talk with him without confronting him about the chat. I'm lost and don't know what the next steps are.
My husband works all the time and has his own mental health issues that sometimes prevents him from being functional and present with the family. When he is good, he is an amazing father. However, those times are now few and far in between. I feel like I am trying to hold this entire family together with my own barehands and I'm losing grip. Sorry that this post is a mess-I'm pretty much vomiting up everything that I've been hiding away. I guess the question is...what now?
Counseling for everyone, to
Counseling for everyone, to start.
Your DH needs to get his own mental health issues under control. He can't be present but absent. That's not fair to you or his kids. If he were single, it would be fine, but he's not. Likely, he is working too much and is worried as the only income earner in the home. It's probably time to look at daycare options and for you to go to work.
Your SS needs therapy to deal with the neglect he feels from his father and the unsavory characteristics that is producing.
You need therapy for stress and anxiety.
You and DH need therapy together to learn how to communicate. You CANNOT hide things from him about his son.
You and DH also need parenting classes. Your job Isn't to make the boys' lives easy and carefree. They both have to learn how to deal with negative emotions. They both have to learn to self-soothe. They both have to realize that they will lead different lives, for better or worse, due to their age gap and different parentage.
You have to be okay with discipling even if SS cries. You're going to have to be okay with it with your own son. You're being too soft now, and it's resulting in your SS being manipulative.
You need to stop being a doormat. Your DH needs to get it together. Your SS needs to get it together. You all have to learn to work together as a family. You all don't currently have the skills to do that, so you need to acquire those skills. If money is an issue, find a job. If BM is still alive but has no contact with SS, tell your DH to get CS started. Pick up some at-home contract work if you must.
This won't change without new tools in your toolbelt.
I am the eldest of 3 boys. I
I am the eldest of 3 boys. I am 6 years older than my brother and am 8 years older than my youngest brother would be.
Our parents gave me clarity on the fact that I had already had my turn at being the ages they were and I would not be allowed to interfere in their turn just as they would have their turn to be the age I was at the time and would not be allowed to interfere in my turn at that age.
Your SS-10 needs to the same message. So just tell him. When he is interfering in the baby's turn call him on it. In the future your SS will experience you giving his younger brother the same message when the younger one wants to be treated as his elder bro is being treated. It won't be his turn yet.
As for discipline. You are your DH's equity life partner and that makes you an equity parent to any children in your home regardless of kid biology. If you don't like how he parents then you step up and do it before he has to. The same applies to him. Do not avoid applying discipline to your SS.
Parents don't get a break from parenting when the kids are present.
Don't forget to take are of you.
Well first, he continues to
Well first, he continues to mope and pout because it gives him the attention he wants. He will pout and try to guilt y’all into comforting him and then it’ll progress into violence on the smaller sibling for more attention. Try calling him out as soon as the moping starts: “cut it out or go play in your room” (he wants attention, separating him from others will get him to stop) then follow through and ignore subsequent attempts like hovering in the doorway between his room and where y’all are. You have to also praise him when he’s playing well with his sibling or acting like a “big kid” in situations when he’s not getting attention like grocery shopping when the baby’s in the cart.
I don’t think he needs therapy. That’s a huge jump. He’s doing normal kid behaviors when a new sibling is along and he’s feeling displaced. Plan “dad-time” where dad and him do something just the two of them like going outside, getting haircuts or whatever so they’ll get their special time and you’ll get some one-on-one time with your little as well.
I was you a few years back. You can’t help but love your bio more than your skid. It’s natural. But we are capable for making things appear even to them. I don’t think you should take on the disciplinarian role, let dad come home and take care of that.
THANK YOU!
@lieutenant_dad:
Thanks for your response.
-In regards to therapy, I have talked to DH about it and he is very resistant to the idea. He says he has done the whole therapy/counseling thing and it doesn't help. When I suggested that maybe I just go for now to work out my own issues, he threw a fit and passive-aggressively did the "fine, do whatever you want" which of course, made me do the opposite. However I do feel like I need therapy.
-DH and I are both only children (DH met his stepbrother when he was 15) with absent/neglectful parents (they were always working or too busy dealing with their own mess)...and I'm aware of how this may affect my parenting style. I do a lot of self-learning with books and articles because I'm aware I don't have the best idea of what a "great parent" looks like. I try my best in this situation.
-BM has SS every other week. I don't know what goes on when she has him but I know SS backtalks her way more than he does with us, and acts like he doesn't seem to care whether she's here nor there. However, he does show some preference for being in our home. For example, we are taking a vacation and need to pick up SS a day early from BM. To make up the day, DH offered BM an extra day last week. When BM called SS and asked if he would like her to pick him up early from our house, he said no.
@rags:
Thank you for response.
-I really like how your parents explained to you and your siblings about having your respective turns in age. I believe my DH had a sit down with SS already and had a similar talk, and we always give him examples of how he had his time to do certain things and now it's BS’a time. Maybe we're not explaining it correctly. Maybe we're not reinforcing our explanations by going soft on him when he starts moping. We will continue to drive the message home.
@Maxwell09
Thank you for your response. I'm glad you're no longer in my position
-I agree with you that we are giving him the wrong type of attention. Will work on that. I want to discuss with DH that he needs more 1 on 1 time with SS. They do have time together doing the things you mention: going to the barber shop together, punching the bags, etc. but sometimes I wonder if it's not enough due to him only being with us half the time...and he definitely sees or feels it more since his little brother gets to be with us 24/7.
-There's definitely a mix of opinions of whether I should be a disciplinarian or not when it comes to SS. I do most of the everyday corrections since I'm with them 90% of the time during the week while DH will usually take on any bigger problems. The great thing is, SS is a good kid and I never had to do too much. I'm assuming this will change as he grows older, but then I may just place most of the discipline on DH.
When he pulls his mopey crap
When he pulls his mopey crap confront him on acting like a 2yo and send him to his room until he can grow up and act his age.
Lather, rinse repeat.
Enforcing the boundaries of reasonable age appropriate behavior works. But only if you stay absolutely commited to that enforcement. Kids will retry the boundaries over and over again until you escalate the consequences to the point where it is too painful for them to push again or... until you cave. If you cave it will be a far more painful and longer torture fest to correct.
"Because I am the adult and I said so" is an answer to the continous pushing by a kid. Don't explain, don't discuss, dictate and punish. Until you get behavioral compliance.
Some kids require less, some require more. Tune to what the kid's behavior demands.