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Any advice would be appreciated...

prefen7's picture

A little background would be my husband and I have been together for over 15 yrs but only married for 16 months. I brought a daughter into the relationship and my husband had 2 sons. We lived seperately alot during the first 12 yrs. The 'boys' are now 22 and 21. The 22 yr old has a 3 year old daughter (his gf was only 15 when she gave birth) who he doesn't support. He is unemployed and has been fired from every job he has had. He lost his license and doesn't like to ride a bike to look for jobs because he "gets hungry or thirsty". He is also sick all the time...from his asthma, headache, toothache, kidneys hurt-you name it and he has suffered from it. The 21 year old is currently engaged to a girl who just graduated high school. He is at least employed part time. I never had a close relationship with either kid because I expected rules to be followed while my husband wanted to be the 'cool' parent. And neither kid finished high school because they just didn't want to go.

I thought everything was going to get better after they turned 18 which is why i finally got married. I'm finding myself regretting that decision. Both kids are now living 1/2 mile away with my mother in law, again one with no job and the other only part time. I hate the thought of giving money to these two because it only helps them do NOTHING! My husband stops by there a couple hours every day after work to "check on his boys". Boys, really? I tell him he needs to make them stand on their on two feet and I'm the bad guy. I'm mean, I'm the b**ch. He told me I should be proud of the 22 yr old because he now showers once a day and brushes his teeth twice a day. Really? Anybody else proud of that? Anyways he told me his mom is yelling at the boys too much so they might have to come here. I freaked out remembering how my life and my daughter's life was before with the thought of those two being back in my home. I kicked my husband out this weekend. I feel awful because I do love my husband. The only time we fight is when it's about his kids. I hate the idea of divorce and am thinking about marriage couseling but now I'm wondering if that will even fix anything. Does anybody have a good experience from marriage counseling? Sorry if I'm rambling but haven't slept much this weekend.


Kes's picture

I used to be a marriage counsellor - and I think going to one would be a pretty good idea for you. I think you need to start being assertive because what your DH is just so unreasonable. Going to see his adult babies every day for 2 hours????
As for moving in with you - you can veto that one right away - it is just such a ridiculous idea. Please don't feel you have to go along with any of this crap - your husband needs to come to his senses and let these MEN grow up and deal with the real world instead of whining at their granny's house.

winehead's picture

Completely agree with Kes. I lived with two adult kids (my own BD and my SS) for about a year, and I won't go back there. Neither are bad kids, although both had some issues, which is why they moved back home with the understanding that it was temporary.

How will the "boys" become men if they're not expected to function like adults? Your DH thinks he's "helping" but he's crippling them. So sad.

I would try marriage counseling so that it is someone other than you saying these things to your DH. And you can be confident that you tried everything you could to save your marriage. But I think you'll also want to know what your bottom line is. Don't compromise who YOU are and what you need to be healthy and happy.