I have decided I will not be going to visit Ss with my Dh for a long time. It was extremely upsetting. I cried all the way back home. People looked at me like I was insane. I haven't been able to sleep since Sunday.

We decided against taking Ss out for lunch because of people here saying Ss might possibly run away. So we bought McDonald's to eat with Ss. Its the only we notice he will eat somewhat enthusiastically.

We had a meeting with the staff there for 20 mins. They said he hasn't spoken to anyone since he got there. He isn't doing his electro-stimulation exercises. He isn't doing the online school. He hasn't been eating well for the entire week. One of the nurses was assigned to him and has given him a lot of one-on-one attention. She was in her twenties, very sweet girl. We hope she can reach out to him.

When we finally saw him, we realized we didn't have to worry about Ss running away. He looked like a wreck. Terrible dark circles. He was wearing the horrible stretchy jeans because those were the only ones that fit him. The nurse told us he didn't want to wear the sweatpants. He was so weak he was barely walking. His wrist in a cast and he was limping slightly. He wouldn't tell us why. So we spent an hour eating and trying to get him to talk. He just stared at the table eating his burger a crumb at a time. An autistic boy around Ss's age walked by the gazebo and kept bugging Ss. Then Ss just got frustrated and gave him his milkshake (the nurse it was fine after). So the boy finally left, and my Dh felt bad and tried getting Ss to drink his milkshake instead, which Ss of course refused.

I guess that was his breaking point. He grabbed my Dh's hand, covers his face with it and starts crying. The first thing he said to us all day was "Don't do this to me again please."

I just about started crying right there. But the facility advised us against it. My Dh put on his best positive voice and tried making it sound like it is going to be awesome for Ss. Ss wasn't buying it. He was still bawling into my Dh's hand. He started apologizing. He said he will go to church. That he believes in God again now. My Dh started telling him he doesn't care about all that, he just wants Ss to feel happy again. Then Ss says he WAS getting better. He finally made friends and we sent him away. My Dh didn't know what to say to that.

Then nurse who was supervising from a distance said it was time for us to say goodbye. Then Ss says "Please. You are making me feel worthless". We were speechless. My Dh went to give Ss a hug and Ss was saying please over and over. The nurse just ended up pulling away Ss while he was still crying.

My Dh and I had our letters but Ss didn't take them. At least he didn't rip them up like last time. I wished he did. I would rather him be angry at us than feel like we don't want him. We had one more meeting with the psychiatrist and he said they were going to change the dosage of his meds.

While driving back to the airport I snapped at my Dh. For no reason at all. I felt terrible and apologized to him. I cried all the way home. I think my Dh did his crying once we all got home.

Tonight is Ss's turn to call home. I hope he is doing better. My heart feels really heavy.