To all who despise the guilty/disney daddy syndrome.
I have a question for you...first, how many here deal with it?
Second, what is the kids situation at the custodial parents house (if it's say the mom). Good, bad?
Third, have you asked him why he feels guilt and why he parents/doesn't parent based on how he feels?
Have you really listened to his motives, fears, point of view, and hopelesness, the despair. Have you heard him?
Do you encourage him while being understanding and empathizing with him, and perhaps trying to guide more discipline from his end?
I ask because I see this thrown on this board so much-the "guilty daddy" can't be a parent blanket statement-and the ANGER associated with their lack of being a parent.
Have you approached this with him-what has he said abotu his relationship w/his kids? Are you able to identify whatsover w/the pain he feels for his kids situations and how that child has to live w/a crappy home life w/the custodial parent. Can you dare to step outside your expectations and "well I raised mine this way" to listen, and place yourself in their shoes.
Rather then always taking the harsh approach towards children of divorce and how they need to "buck up". Have you heard his concerns and thoughts?
If you haven't, I urge you to try it. It's made a world of difference to me to truly understand where this man, that I adore and love comes from and why he choses/acts the way he does. I can be patient w/him and acknowledge why he may be more attentive to her needs then he would be in a normal living environment where he's a full time parent. There's a different response from me towards him and the child when I understand WHY/WHERE it comes from, which takes him opening up. Which takes them fully trusting you to open up to share with you knowing you won't hold it against them and roll your eyes and tell them to toughen up.
Does anyone here have a guy who WAS/IS the better parent and doesn't have custody and has to live with daily knowing their child is in a shitty situation w/a shitty parent and suffering daily? Do you know that he might be consumed with guilt, anger, hurt because he brought this child to life, and the child ended up in a bad place, and he only gets 4 days a month to "parent" ...and then may have a spouse/gf that rides them about how they are screwing THAT up also. How much do we expect them to take when the ex-wife is dissapointed in them, their kid is probably also-then the current wife/gfriend who is supposed to have their back, stand besides their guy, encourage him, empathize and try to encourge him to parent more through that guilt and fear-is telling them they aren't good enough.
We throw aroudn the words "guilt and disney dad" around here like these men are damaged goods, horrible people who's shit we have to put up with. But have you tried to understand and listen to him....have you encouraged him to have this conversation with you not once but everytime you think you need to be reminded where HIS thought process is?
I realize this place is to vent-so we hear about the smom and bmoms pov, sometimes the skids pov's...what about the "guilty/disney dads" that are treated as crap under the shoe??
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In my case my dh started it
In my case my dh started it off that way with his boys and I asked why one day. He said b/c he doesn;t get to see them and didn't want what time he had them for them to be in trouble all the time. That helped me a lot to see where he was coming from. I then told him where I was coming from when he doesn;t discipline his kids and the result. I started to point out the results that his kids were doing and the out come especially the oldest, he is a very big bully. After that and fast forward a few years dh told me he was very glad I supported him and he can see the difference in his kids and that he will never go back to being that kind of dad and knowing that his kids could have ended up in jail. We still have a little way to go but over all the boys are being teens right now and the oldest is used to being the 'man' of the house at his moms b/c she lets him and now she is having trouble with him there. go figure!
I know exactly why my SO did
I know exactly why my SO did it. It wasn't so much guilt, as it was a fear of losing them. He felt his situation was precarious, having 50/50 custody with the BM. The BM doesn't have any rules whatsoever. She's not around enough to enforce them even if she did. They pretty much raise themselves in that home, she just provides a roof and groceries. He's worried that if he makes them mad or they aren't having enough fun, they'll choose to stay with her all the time. Well, that could only work for a while before he saw what a mess it was making of our lives, and he eventually had to crack down. As a result, two of the three have gone to stay with BM permanently (G16, B19). The B19 didn't finish high school, has no job, car, license, and is a druggie. The G16 isn't going to school (BM is supposedly home-schooling her, hah!), has had pregnancy scares, drug/alcohol issues. They've made their choices, and at some point they will regret them. All we can do is hope that the youngest, B13, is learning something from their mistakes and hopefully won't follow the same pattern.
Does anyone here have a guy
Does anyone here have a guy who WAS/IS the better parent and doesn't have custody and has to live with daily knowing their child is in a shitty situation w/a shitty parent and suffering daily?
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Yes. My DH is the better parent. BM is not fit, for various reasons. DH and I both know that SD's home environment is detrimental to her well being. I know it breaks his heart knowing SD8 has to be returned. It hurts me also. No child should be forced to live that way. Which is why DH is in the process of modifying custody
DH used to -almost- guilty parent SD. I know why he did it, I understand his fear of losing her. I know, and he knows now too, that it's not right or fair. After DD4 and DS1 were born, DH has realised that he can't continue to plan every family event around his weekends with SD.
My story is slightly
My story is slightly different but I think somewhat relevant. My DH and BM have a 50/50 week on week off situation and when I first came into the picture when SD was barely 3yo, BOTH parents were not disciplining her for fear of looking like the bad guy. I was DH's best friend before we started dating, so fortunately we already had the type of relationship where I could express my feelings on the matter without him feeling attacked. SD has always been a sweet child who really wanted to be good, but all she understood was throwing a fit got her what she wanted. When DH started being a parent rather than a friend, she truly has become an angel child! Now her BM still "guilty parents" and so at her mom's house she is a whiney brat but with us she is wonderful! BM has told us she doesn't understand why SD acts so wonderful to us, but so bad for her, and DH tried to explain, but says she will still "spoil her children so that when the time comes they will choose to live with her". DH stepping up really helped us!
We have had these
We have had these conversations... amongst ourselves, friends and therapists. Frankly, In my situation the pain that my DH started parenting with.. was his anger and competitiveness with BM... and countering her bad mouthing... His pain was further entrenched by parenting with a huge ego.. ready to prove to the world that a single father can raise a child better than a mother.. except he failed to realize that doing and paying for everything is not parenting. DH doesn't like to be the bad guy. His failure was not emotionally or psychologically understanding his children and their motivations. He has treated the kids like victims and has allowed them to carry their mom's baggage as their own.
It's all fine and good that DH likes to do the fun stuff with the kids and dole out unearned rewards.. but what happens when the bio-mom also parents this way... You get what we got: SKIDS that think life is just one big party--paid by someone else.
I'd love to hear from a guilty/Disney dad explain why they parent the way they do. It is a very rare man that will connect so honestly with their feelings and voluntarily communicate them.
I see my bf as more a guilty
I see my bf as more a guilty parent then disney dad-and even his degree of guilty parenting doesn't stop him from ending bad behavior..but he does cater to her and is unwilling to discipline as much as he should because of it. He waffles between being concerened and involved to a detachment and one would think "uncaring" point of view. It was hard to understand why.
We've talked in the past-but it's recently that he's opened up more-it's been a series of conversations over several weeks, with one coming up every couple of days-it's like the floodgates are open and he's getting it all out. I think in just being open to hearing him and not judge him has led to him opening up more. I was also surprised at how he connected to his feelings AND shared with me...quite unexpected. So they ARE capable of doing it. IF we are willing to listen and give them a safe place to do so.
I think with each guy it will be different-their situatiosn are different so they can best relate it to their case based on their experience. Rather then being mad at him, i choose to feel his pain with him, I think that's the only way we'll be able to come up with solutions over time. He won't be able to look at me and say-well you don't understand you have no idea what's it like, or you don't get it...because you do, you listened you truly put yourself in his shoes and FELT with him. If he can respect me as a person and true partner, my loyalty to have his back and love him despite his errors and despite his fear of failure and guilt-then you can work together...otherwise there's just that huge disconnect between holding you back, kwim?
I know what you mean. I can
I know what you mean. I can empathize (not sympathize) with my DH. Our conversations became more productive when he realized that he doesn't have to be defensive. That my intent is to make our situation flourish for the good of all.. including him and the SKIDS. Old habits die hard... now when discussing solutions if he crosses his arms, I call him on it... and we start the conversation over... Throughout the years there have been moments when his mouth is moving.. but no words come out.. He is thinking, but cannot articulate. When this we agree to post-pone a discussion while he gathers his thoughts.
You post raises many very
You post raises many very good questions. And they are very timely for me. I have spent the last few days very stressed out after 'enjoying' a skid weekend and witnessing the guilty-dad parenting (or lack of).
I closed down. He knew I was bothered by something, I felt I couldn't discuss it with him without him getting defensive and I felt nothing good would come of it. Finally I let it all out at him. Not the best approach.
However, it prompted a very good, open discussion about how he 'parents' SD.
Our talks about this subject have made a lot of progress over the years. Each time we take a stab at it we get better. And I always try to express to him that I understand his point of view.
He admitted that he just doesn't know how to interact with his own child. that BM has always, even when they were together, kept him from being an active parent. We talked about how he treats SD different than my kids, that he feels more connected and comfortable with parenting my kids. We discussed what bothers me, how the kids see things, what we think is good for the kids, good for us, blah, blah, blah. We all know how these talks go.
In the end, he has no idea how to connect with this child to change things and I don't have any good advise for him either. It is one of the sadest situation I have ever dealt with. And it certainly doesn't leave me much hope anything will change.
Yes, of course I have tried
Yes, of course I have tried to see my dh's view. I think most of us have. For me that's where the frustration sets in-dh feels he is doing right for ss by being guilty daddy and going easy on him, but I know he is only creating more problems for ss as well as for our kids at home. It would be easier if I did not see his side of things then I could just be angry all the time. When I vent about it is a moment in time when I am angry-the moments don't last and are replaced by lots of periods of understanding and empathy as well.