How can a relationship survive?
So here goes......I'm new here and not sure how this all works. I'm living with a man who has two children girl 13 and boy 9. I have two children girl 21 and boy 19. Non of whom get along. We've tried combined vacations to no avail. Most of our problems stem from his 13 year old gaughter who never seems to be happy, no matter what anyone does for her. It seems she continuously tries to cause arguments in our home.
In her defense, I believe her mom is at the heart of our problems. I think she feels a tremendous sense of loyalty to her. Mom of coures feels the only reason she and her ex are not together is because of me....totally not true....but never-the-less that's how she feels. Daughter knows this and reacts on this.
13 YO daughter comes and stays and my house (with dad of course) and totally ignors me and my kids, takes over house with clothes, shoes, TV stations, food everywhere and everyone around her doesn't seem to matter. Including her 9 year old brother who can't seem to do anything right in her eyes.
My question is this, how can my relationship with this man continue when it appears that his ex and their daughter is doing everything they can to distroy it. We are very good together, very happy and very much in love. The ex does not want him happy and does not want their children any where near me. I've done nothing wrong other than try to be friends with her children and help to take care of them when they are with their father. It's kind of sad to see how much the children struggle with their loyalty to their mother and how poorly they treat their father these days. I wish some answers.....
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Comments
These are all natural
These are all natural behaviors. You and dh or so need to establish house rules with kids and boundaries with bm. You need to sit down with dh and have a heart to heart. You and he come first, protect that relationship at all costs. Second comes the kids, they don't control your happiness. After all when kids are grown they leave the nest and the only thing you have is each other! So cherish it, protect it from bm, skids and those related issues. The other thing I would suggest is as hard as it is do not take things personally, stepmothers have it difficult! I always try to tell myself that my step kids didn't ask for all if these issues, they didn't ask for divorce parents, they didn't ask for me and I certainly try to understand and if that doesn't work I just let them be. Whether they come around or not, it doesn't matter really because my foundation is my fiancé soon to be husband and our relationship and love is of utmost importance. I've learned to be selfish.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your suggestions, I've been trying to keep calm and remind myself that these are children that didn't ask for these circumstances. I really want to like them and be their friend, nothing more. However in my home I do have rules that my kids were raised to respect.
We're both very concerned that his daughter is heading in her mothers foot steps. His ex is very sloppy, so much so that the children can't have guests in their home because it is so dirty. No matter how much I try to enforce my rules in my home, the 13 YO seems to ignore me and push to do her own thing. Again, in her defense, she really doesn't know any better because of the type of home environment she is being raised in. The 9 year old has to sleep in his mothers bed because his room is so full of toys, christmas decorations and clothes everywhere. His bed is covered in "stuff" and you can't even walk on his floor in his room. I really wish I could find a way to enforce my "house rules of cleanliness" without coming across as the wicked step mother asking to have the chinmey swept!
I think this struggle has to do with significant differences between the BM and BF and how they want their children raised. BF and I are agree more on the basics of discipline and expectations, where BM really has non. This spills over into my relationships with them. I'm so different from their mom, I must be "wrong!"
I talk a lot to my step
I talk a lot to my step daughters about the importance of cleanliness. If they don't do the cleaning up I do, mostly because I can't stand it being messy but also because I want to show them through my actions that there is another way to live. BM here is same as yours -- filthy!! Girls would come here with hair in knots!!! I told them if they didn't do something about it their hair would have to be shaved off. They asked me to help them a few days later. I play the role reverse on them all the time. I also make sure I'm a person of my word and of action. I do follow my house rules (which are simple) and follow through on what I say to them. I show them I love them even when I don't. Most importantly I show them I love their daddy with all my heart. They see that and want me to love on them (sometimes). I've learned to let go as well as hold on. I've read so many books and other materials in the past 2 weeks that has easier my worries about things. Everything on this site has been described in the books in some form. It really has put my mind at ease. I didn't even spend a dime, I went to our local library for all the info.