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Adrift Tonight

Ohnonono's picture

Submitted by Ohnonono on Mon, 07/27/2020 - 8:57pm

I struggle with a mild depression.

Or maybe I struggle with the negative thought patterns I've learned from being raised by a mother who struggled all her life with severe depression. 
 

Either way, I suck at drifting into painful thought loops. I've got a chance at a happy life here with DH and our DS. But the freshly turned adult skids bring me down. Way down. All the crappy details aside, basically what has happened here is that the skids were never allowed to bond with me. Nothing unique. BM forbid it. So here I am...relationally attached to skids who will never give a damn about me. I'll grow older and they'll have kids, my grandkids and bring them over for visits and I'll make over the grandskids knowing that eventually, the little ones will be taught to find me worthless and pointless too. It all feels so painful.
 

I love my DH a lot and he loves me a lot. We have a wonderful little DS. But I wonder if I will be able to stand years of not really being respected. Not to mention the pain of trying to establish myself in a community where the eldest skid never plans to leave. I just want space. I don't want them to like me. I just want an identity separate from these skids and the false lore of "the divorce" I've been blamed for. 

Some nights, like tonight, I think I'd rather live DH free in a different town and share my DS in a happy coparent situation than try to be happy with this skid shadow hanging over me. They aren't bad kids. Hateful for sure, consumerist monsters for sure. But not bad. I just wanna be myself. Free!

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Mon, 07/27/2020 - 9:33pm

Have you tried disengaging?  If there was ever a good candidate for it, you are she.  Read through the Disengagement section of the forums and search the term here on Steptalk.  There's a lot to think about.

You obviously love your DH.  I'd hate to see you disrupt DD's life without giving disengagement a good try.  Good luck.

Kona_California's picture

Submitted by Kona_California on Tue, 07/28/2020 - 7:30pm

I'm wondering what your DH's role has been with creating more harmony with you and his kids. When BM "decided" you wouldn't have a relationship with them, I would think that would be DH's cue to do the work to counter that. If his kids are living in your home and they are not respecting you, DH should be doing everything he can to make sure you're comfortable. If skids refuse, then he can have them evicted.

I have mild depression (mostly generalized anxiety) too and take medication. I'm so thankful for the medication. I think anyone would feel this way, but it's worse when you're already at an emotional disadvantage.

I'm not married to my SO but I fantasize about taking steps back too. Telling him and his son to move out and we can just date while living seperately.