Adult stepsons

Forums:

I just wanted to get other people's opinions on my situation.

I married my husband four years ago. He already has adult children. A daughter of 26 who he has little to do with down to her choice and twin sons who are now 22 years old. I had no existing children but we had a daughter together who is now almost two.
A few months after we married, my husband decided to move his 18 year old son in with us. He paid him to work alongside him as a plumbers assistant and he didn't ask his son to contribute any money at all to anything. We paid for his food, his phone, his meals and provided him with his own bedroom in our rented apartment. He stayed with us a year then went back to live with his girlfriend and their child in LA. In a welfare funded house. For a couple of years it was just me and my husband and our daughter was born and we are now living in a one storey two bedroom apartment. My husband and I shared a bedroom and our daughter had a room. Last August my husband moved his other son in with us. Previously he had been living with his half sister and her family in a different state. He paid $400 a month rent for his room with them and was expected to contribute to food and groceries. My husband told him this was excessive and he was being ripped off and he encouraged him to move in with us. So his son moved in and essentially took over my daughters bedroom and so me and my husband and daughter all share one room and one bed and my stepson gets his own bedroom and bed. He is supposed to pay my husband $200 a month rent but he was out of work for several months so paid nothing. My husband pays for all his food and we eat out regularly and it costs quite a lot and his son never offers anything towards the cost of meals out at all. My husband and I are trying to buy a house and we chose one we were going to get. My stepson saw the house and tried to get the biggest room for himself. I had already decided that room would work best for my daughter because it has its own small bathroom and for various reasons it makes sense she has it. He told my husband when I wasn't there that I shouldn't get to say as I don't pay my husband rent.

i have never made him feel bad for taking my daughters room and I have never said anything about all the meals he gets free here. He never shows any appreciation to me for the housework I do to keep the apartment tidy and he only thanks my husband every so often for meals that he gets. When I heard this comment he made it shows me how he views me which isn't as an equal or my husbands wife but as someone who should pay my husband rent even though I am looking after our one year daughter all day and keeping the apartment tidy. I just feel my husband hasn't taught him what marriage is about and to be a sensible responsible adult...

Am I understanding that right

Am I understanding that right!? Bastard adult son doesn’t have to pay rent, but he expects a wife (his dad’s wife) to pay rent? “He told my husband when I wasn't there that I shouldn't get to say as I don't pay my husband rent.” AND, he thinks he should get what was going to be the baby’s room to boot!?

OK Rags, where are you? You need to respond to this as only you can.

And, apparently, your DH thinks it is OK to move people, adult people, doesn’t matter whom, into BOTH of your household without permission from you? You are correct on both of these points: “It shows me how [SS] views me which isn't as an equal or my husband’s wife but as someone who should pay my husband rent even though I am. . . I just feel my husband hasn't taught him what marriage is about and to be a sensible responsible adult.”

Yes, SKs can be that ignorant, mean and cruel to SM; and, yes, it is usually because they have learned that that is OK from at least one of their parents.

Oh hun this is when the house cleaning, all household

Chores, cooking, laundry stops. You plonk your arse and binge watch tv etc and when they complain nothing has been done as before, you reply “well like you said, I don’t pay rent insinuating i should and that i have no job, except my job is 24/7 taking care of this home from your disrespectful arse!!”

even my husband knows without me there caring for the house, its alot of work. I still manage it with a 3 & 4 yr old and fulltime uni studies and husband stuck overseas working in essential services who i will not see in probably a year with the travel lockdowns currently... my husband would have my back if any skid called me lazy and that i should be paying rent. you taking care of the house to ensure it runs smoothly as a sahm is your rent!!

your husband should know this and should have had your back and I certainly wouldn’t want an adult ss as disrespectful as this in my home.

its time to make things unbearable for him to live there. Tell hubby he needs ss to clean the house and scrub his bedroom spotless and the bathroom/toilet he uses is scrubbed down gleaming white spotless with bleach, then he vacuums and mops the whole house and this should be done within an hour of hubby telling him!! Hubby enforces this and when ss chucks a hissy fit, hubby tells him that he needs to do something practical for a change and contribute towards household chores. When ss claims that is your job as his wife and maid, hubby responds with you are responsible for 2 young kids and not ss being a lazy piece of shit.

i have fond memories that day when hubbt had scared his kid into submission because hubby knew i would walk from this marriage because no more was ss making a mess and not contributing to chores, he got home and within the hour was scrubbing the bathroom and toilet of his along with his bedroom, he then vacuumed downstairs. My hubby laughed to me in private how happy it made him feel that his son was forced into submission into doing chores, you know since he is privileged enough to live rent free and said this should happen more often...

by the way, my husband knows without me, there is no catering for family dinners and bbq when his family come over, no work clothes and pants pre-ironed to last 3 weeks, laundry not done etc... believe me my ss has told his dad he didn’t know he had to clean his dirty dishes and that he should just dump it in the sink and i clean up after him (this was when my newborn daughter was 5 weeks old), hubby rained hell on that son of his and said my day was busy enough with a baby and that its not my job to care for ss being a lazy shit

Yes I thought it was wrong of my husband too

Yes I thought it was wrong of him to constantly persuade his adult sons to come and live with us. I catch him on the phone to them when he thinks I'm not there convincing them that living here is so much better than where they are. It's frustrating because they will see it as a free ride and my husband is happy to feel in control and like they are depending on him I think. I wouldn't mind helping them out if they asked to move here but my husband actively tells them to move in with us when they have other places they could be. One of his sons has his own four year child and I think he should be there helping to raise him. My husband was even happy to have his adult son, his sons girlfriend and their kid move in with us and it was only because the girlfriend kept making excuses not to that all three of therm didn't move in.

Yes I thought it was wrong of

Former Doormat Here waves

Why does this adult man assume he will be moving into the new house with you? And how did you find out he said these things to your H?

Your core issue is with your husband. Unfortunately, you've allowed this disrespect and pattern of him making unilateral decisions, so changing that is going to be messy. But I did it, and you can, too. It all starts with BOUNDARIES - drawing them, and maintaining them.

Quit letting your H walk all over you! You need to put your b!tch boots on and tell him that no other adults will be allowed to live with you. PERIOD DOT. "I'm not okay with that" and "That doesn't work for me" are two phrases that I had to learn, and they will help you. You also need to tell your H to stop making these decisions without discussing things with you first. You can reasonably point out that you've been supportive of him giving both his sons a helping hand, but nine months is quite enough time for a house guest to stay. (emphasis on GUEST)

It sounds like your H doesn't have a good track record with interpersonal relations/communicating, and you haven't been standing up for yourself, either. He may not understand that you and his sons are essentially strangers who met as adults, only because of your respective connections to your H. That doesn't make you family, it just forces you together - and that's uncomfortable for all. But you have two choices - assert you rights as his wife and partner, or keep being a doormat.

Thanks for your reply

I have definitely made my feelings clear to my husband. I just haven't wanted to make his sons feel unwelcome and say anything negative to them. When I initially objected to him moving his son in just after we married he said I was being unreasonable and expecting him to reject his sons and not help them out and it was unfair of me. I did take him on knowing he had children and even though they are adults now I didn't expect them to never bother us or require any assistance. I just feel like my husband hasnt taught them properly and isn't setting a positive example of how a marriage should be. You're right the issue stems from my husband and I have come close to leaving him on many occasions believe me.

It's your home too - he doesn

It's your home too - he doesn't get to move his adult children in without your agreement. Sounds like you back down when he makes you feel guilty - but "requiring assistance" doesn't have to mean moving in and having a free ride in your home. You aren't telling him to "reject" his sons, you are telling him that you are not in agreement with him allowing them to live in your home. He can help them out how he pleases in other ways.

Don't let him make you feel bad so he can get his way.

^^^THIS^^^

It's okay for you to not want to live with other adults. And there are other ways to "help" without letting them live OFF you - especially when they don't treat you with respect.

In steplife, you have to stand up for yourself or you'll get walked on. You have to recognize that everyone (skids, partner, BM) has their own agenda, and if you don't advocate for yourself, no one else is going to care about your needs or your happiness. Read that again - No one else is going to care about your needs or your happiness.

You have to toughen up, OP. I was nice for a lot of years, and ate a lot of excrement sandwiches. But my H respects me a whole lot more since I put the fear of Dog in him. Men are simple creatures, and with some, a healthy dose of fear works best. Make your H more afraid of pissing you off than he is of saying no to his adult kids. Tell him you're moving your mother in, or your drug addict cousin. Or, check your state's child support calculator and ask him if he really wants to see X amount going to you each month. Or, ask him who will keep him warm at night when you're gone? You know him best, and what leverage will work best. But stop being nice, because your niceness is being seen as weakness.

Yes I agree and I told him I

Yes I agree and I told him I will never stop fighting for what is best for my daughter. I am always going to put our baby daughter's needs above his adult sons. However I do want to be fair to everyone. And I was trying to do that as far as possible when those comments he told me his son had made really upset and angered me. That his son thought that I have no say in our new house because I don't pay rent to my husband. I was shocked because at first I thought he meant my daughter doesn't pay rent and I said to my husband ''he expects our one year old baby to pay rent?' and my husband said 'no, he meant you don't pay rent' and I hadn't even thought he would have meant that. So it caught me by surprise and definitely made me realize I need to prioritize mine and my daughter's needs more. However I just wanted to get a feel for what other people thought. People who don't know me and are objective and I wondered what they thought about things...

What does he even mean, that

What does he even mean, that you don't pay rent? And why does he know anything about financial arrangements that you and your DH have? I know the answer - DH tells him.

You are not being fair - TO YOU. I could see moving in an adult kid under very extreme circumstances, with a time limit on it, and with your agreement. But him allowing his adult son to live there free and then mistreat you is not fair - to you. You are taking on much more of the burden.

exjuliemccoy is right - you are being too nice and DH is taking advantage of it.

Hi tog redux

Yes my husband has made several comments in front of his step son about how he pays the bills and how we dont contribute etc. I did tell my husband that I don't appreciate being undermined like that in front of other people. That it isn't his sons business to know our financial arrangements and technically as we are married we own everything 50/50 that we earn or acquire during our marriage. His son doesn't share his liability for debts as I do. It's a different relationship with your wife than your son and the law supports this too. Yes it was my husband who told me the comment his son made about me not paying rent so not getting to decide about the room in the new house. I suppose his son was looking for a way to get his own way but it just really bothered me.

Most of us here would refer

Most of us here would refer to this type of scenario as one where your husband treats his child (SS, in this case) more like a wife, and his wife (you) more like a child. Interestingly, it is not all that uncommon in step-situations for this "reversal" to occur. This is how oftentimes the step-children and step-mom wind up competing, like they are somehow semi-equal competitors for dad's/ DH's love and attention.

In reality, these are two completely seperate roles--spouse and child. Yet, too often SMs are underminded by their own husbands, who, for some !#@$! reason, want to play both sides and both sides against each other. THEN, to top it off, they'll go around bellyaching about poor-little-ol'-me, I'm caught in the middle, when they were the ones who set it up that way to begin with. They don't want to be seen as the bad-guy around their own children (and bad-guy to inept parents means that, gasp!, they actually have rules and boundaries in their household). Instead, they want you (SM) to be seen as the bad-guy.

This is a real case scenario for a lot of us SMs and it is very damaging. Unfortunately, as you've seen first hand, the nicer you try to be about everything, the more DH feels he can save his own skin and get away with treating you like a child; thereby, making it look to his sons that they are more his equal, like a wife should really be, while you are just more-so an immature "child," or in the way.

I have to say, I don't think most of us would be on this site if our husbands would simply treat us as we are--wife or SO--and treat their children like children, and treat the ex- like an ex-. It is that simple, and yet that difficult to get non-SMs to grasp this concept. It shouldn't be that difficult. However, because too many idiots, including so-called professionals, tend to think that divorce shouldn't change much of anything, SMs often wind up getting their butts kicked for "interferring." Yeah, that's right, for "interferring" in their OWN marriage! Get real, people. Divorce changes a lot with relationships and among multiple family members. Get over it and move on; or, for the love of God, don't date anyone else and certainly don't remarry.

When that lippy useless POS

When that lippy useless POS brain farted with his comments about you paying rent and not getting a say... you should have gotten in his face and kicked his ass out immediately. That your idiot husband didn't boot that asshole our before the words had completely left his mouth says more than enough about how your DH does not value his wife.

Get that baby as far away from the shallow and polluted half of it's gene pool as soon as possible. Far, far away.

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