Runaway update..
Nothing really to update..and there are so many new names here..I'm not sure if anyone will even remember my story.
My SD is now 19. Lives out of the house (HOORAY!) and has ZERO communication with me (THANK YOU JESUS!!). I did notice she popped up on my "Suggested Friends" list on FB. Well...surprise surprise. I've been blocked from her social media since she was about 12 years old..I couldn't believe I actutally saw it. I said something to DH only because it just sort of blurted out. He said, "Oh yeah, she sent me a friend request..." a few days later I got one as well. I pondered over it for a few days and decided to accept it. Maybe, just maybe she's beginning to grow up. I'm certainly not holding my breath, but like I always do..I'll try to give her the benefit of the doubt. So we'll see. I don't "like" or comment on anything she posts. And she really doesn't post much, I do believe this is just for show. I'm aware she has IG accounts, those we'll ALL be blocked from. Those are the real SD. The only reason I know those exist is my bios have seen them and of course the Xrated Snapchats that they've seen as well. Those aren't "known" either. I gave up a LONNNNGGGG time ago trying to make DH aware of what and who this kid really is. And I do believe a lot of it is just for show. But you reap what you sow.
DH has a tough time with it some days because I think he just misses her, He's mentioned many times that he just can't believe she basically dumped him and the family for "a white trash" family. And he has finally taken the blame for how she was raised. Disney Dad to the 100th degree..doesn't make for good child rearing. She was completely spoiled, he gave her everything she ever wanted. He now admits it was wrong and it took him a long time to get there.
But she is an adult now and on her own. I REALLY hope it stays that way.
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My DH misses SD28, too, but
My DH misses SD28, too, but she made her choices and we've made ours. It is what it is.
It's sad that it's come to this, but your SD is still young and may come around when she matures. My SD is, apparently, incapable of maturing. I think her co-dependency with BM has stunted her emotional growth.
Sometimes, no matter how differently we think we could have done things, it just doesn't matter. My DH has gone over it in his head and he feels that the outcome would have been the same no matter what. BM is who she is, SD is who she is. DH could have done certain things differently, but SD and BM have the personalities and dynamic that they have. He couldn't have changed that. The road might have looked different along the way, but would have ended in the same place.
I'm sorry for your DH, I know it's hard. But he has a life with you and he needs to just enjoy that. Perhaps SD will grow up and come to her senses, and things will work out between them, eventually.
Yes, I think DH rethinks a
Yes, I think DH rethinks a lot of how he raised her...He looked at me at being so hard with my bios. In my mind I wasn't being hard, its just what was expected. SD had no expectations or any responsibility for anything. That concept slowly bled into all aspects of her life, including how she treated me. DH in turn would lash out at me when we were all under one roof. In my mind all the kids should've been held to the same responsibilities, etc. But it never quite worked that way. I know there is resentment on my kids part because of that. But they are old enough (19 + 20) to understand that was and is how I parent. I didn't waiver. So it is what it is. I have no emotional connection to SD whatsoever. Maybe one day, who knows. I just know she was the reason I almost walked out of that marriage and I'll never forget that.
I really do feel for your DH.
I really do feel for your DH. He tried to be a good and positive dad. He might not have been as strict as he should have been during times where he needed to be, and I am sure he sees his own failings now. He probably just figured she would see you both and model herself after you- both hard working and self sufficient people.
I can only imagine how hurt he must be. How disappointed in her and in himself. Who knows, she could still turn around one day.
I understand what he's
I understand what he's feeling, but I don't feel sorry for him. I TRIED for years to get him to see what he was doing. He justified it every step of the way. Many arguments, many fights over this. I finally gave up. I know he's disappointed in himself and when the topic surfaces I honestly have no idea what to say so I usually say nothing and change the subject. This kid put me thru hell and our marriage thru hell.
Changing the subject is
Changing the subject is probably all you can do. Try you best to not go down that rabbit hole, there doesn't seem to be any good that could come of it.
I remember you. I wish my
I remember you. I wish my SDs would get lost. Did you in laws finally give up on SD? I know she would go running to grandma every time she needed something.
Yes, Believe it or not they
Yes, Believe it or not they pretty much have given up on her. But they are really hurting over this. They both lived around this kid. I'm not exagerating. whatsoever. To them, she hung the moon. And she really has very little contact with them now also. That part is very sad to me. DH has often said how much she'll regret this,,they're older.
Of course we all remember and
Of course we all remember and respect you, Brady.
Your DH and his parents are reaping what they've sown, but it doesn't mean this is the way things will always be. Your SD just may have a survival instinct that told her she needed to get away from the spoiling and permissive non parenting she received. She may actually mature and build a life for herself, which is as it should be. Fingers crossed she doesn't make any life-altering mistakes, but the next several years could be the making of her.
How are you and your kids? Are you working from home?