Update: looks like it's hitting the fan today....

Last night we got the disturbing news that the lawyer "forgot" that he was supposed to give us copies of the paperwork, apparently the Marshall who is supposed to serve them has had them since LAST Thursday, a full week!!!! I guess FH had called the lawyer earlier this week, but he didn't return the call until yesterday. Suffice to say, we were all extremely POed at this lawyer for dropping the ball. All this time we've been so worried about SD15 slipping and saying something, or forgetting to check her cell phone looking for a msg from us about all this, and it's the lawyer who dropped the ball!!!

So the upshot of this is that we think that BM has not yet been served. Apparently she called FH 2x yesterday at work, both times about driving SD somewhere or picking her up, no mention of this situation or all hell breaking loose. This was affirmed with the lawyer, who said once the Marshall serves the papers, the Marshall faxes something to the lawyer basically attesting to this, and since he hasn't gotten the fax yet, it's safe to assume it hasn't happened, though a WEEK is a long time for him to take, so it could go down any second.

The lawyer emailed us a copy of the papers, and it looks very different from what we originally talked about. This process is going to take much longer than anticipated as a result. Because of the change of type of filing, the lawyer confirmed that BM now has UNTIL February 26th to respond to the summons, i.e. she has to fill out a form called an "appearance" basically attesting to the fact that she plans to contest it. If she does not fill out the form, the court takes that as no contest and we automatically win.

ONCE Feb 26th has passed, we then get assigned a court date, probably the middle of MARCH!!!! UGH! So basically we will be shuttling SD to and from school in her current town until that time, AND, assuming it all goes as it should, she wouldn't start school in our town until after that, so basically at the end of the school year!!!! AND of course we'll be paying BM the CS until the court date at the earliest, what a mess....

So as of right now, we plan to get SD from school this afternoon. It says in the paperwork, in black and white, that custody was never determined, so legally I don't think BM can do anything. FH is taking a half day and we're both going in the hopes of speaking to someone in the administration there and advising them of the situation. I am concerned that our plan to have SD retreat to the principal's office should her mother show up will not go well if it ends up being her mother and me standing there, because without a prior discussion, who the hell am I in all this vs her mother? Thankfully the grandmother works not 5 minutes from the school and has said numerous times to call her and she will be there immediately if need be, so if I need "back up" against BM or the administration, she'll be there.

The lawyer asked us to hold off on doing this, as he had some calls to make, we are supposed to hear back from him this morning, so unless he tells us not to do this, that is the course of action we are going to take. It is even more crucial because the papers (6 pages of them) say explicitly SD wants to live with her father, I thought perhaps it would not outright say that, and if worst came to worst, she could claim ignorance to her mother should she get stuck in her presence, but with it being spelled out like that, I know BM will come down on her like a ton of bricks, so something must be done.

Wish us luck in getting through this day ladies, $10 says the cops will be at my house by 5:00 this afternoon :O

northernsiren's blog
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OMG.. good luck.. I am so

OMG.. good luck.. I am so glad that the bm's parents are on your side.. Keep us updated on your progress for sure.

I will be thinking of you guys today!

good luck girl

i hope it goes well...for SD's sake. all she is to BM is a paycheck anyway...:(

keep us posted

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

thanks ladies, we need it.....

I'm trying to keep bright eyed and bushy tailed about all this, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some anxiety over this whole situation. I guess I'm intimidated by BM too....

Well, if she didn't have a reason to hate me before, guess she's going to have one soon!!!!!

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

who flippin cares if she hates u??!!

all u are trying to do is be a mother to SD, since BM cant manage that herself. maybe she shouldve thought of all this before she started treating her like crap.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

I guess to be hated by her

is sort of an accomplishment, if she doesn't like or approve of me, I must be doing something right b/c she's such a POS.

It does make things more difficult though, and wish there was another way.... But if the grandparents, who have spent thousands and thousands supporting her and her family, gifts for them and for their children, if THEY can fall into that hated category so easily, well, I don't stand a chance of getting along with her.

No big loss though....

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

If you want more weight with the school ...

you might call them and ask them what kind of paperwork they need to allow you to make decisions regards SD. The schools here require a notorized affidavit stating that that their dad has named me as a legal guardian.

Good luck!!!

Thank you for the suggestion!

If need be we can do that after we go today, we have the rest of the afternoon to scramble. I called the school once before and got a woman who was probably 80 years old who couldn't even grasp the the concept that I was the stepmom :?

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Good Luck

Just remember no matter how messy things get that next month this will be BEHIND you and you know that you are doing the right thing. I know it's SO HARD to be patient in these situations. My DH and I have been strategically waiting for the perfect time to serve BM with papers for over a YEAR so that she can sign over full custody to DH. This was my husband's idea, I wanted to just go to court, but he felt like he could avoid it but just needed to butter her up a bit. Well it worked! He got her to sign over full custody AND she doesn't hate us...sometimes patience is the best way to go...even though it's PAINFUL.

I wish that was possible

Believe me, we're all trying to be kind and say that BM has issues and that's why she acts the way she does. We tried to rationally talk to her and be patient, hope for her to come around, and things just escalated for SD, so we had to move forward.

I told FH exactly what you said, that it'll get worse before it gets better, but in the long run, SD's live will be better because of what we're going through, and it's definitely the best thing....

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Good Luck!

Thoughts and prayers going your way today. I hope all goes well.

northernsiren

You hang in there because it will be worth it when you get to the other side. I would discuss this factor with the attorney.??? If custody was never establised is it possible she can live with her dad until this is over? If she is in danger her BF should have the right to keep her until the judge tells him he must give her back. Frankly, if I was that worried about her I would take her home with me and let the chips fall where they may.

this is exactly where it's at Sparky

Because custody was never established, we hope that this strengthens our position....

Unless the lawyer tells us DO NOT DO THIS YOU WILL BE ARRESTED, we're picking her up after school and keeping her until this is all straightened out legally. We have copies of the paperwork to show any police that may show up after BM calls them, to prove this issue is legally pending, and as long as SD stands her ground and tells the cops she will not stay at her moms, and fears for her emotional and physical wellbeing, we should be okay, but wow, it's going to be a rough ride.

We're both afraid that BM will show up at the school and try to take SD, and since I'll be the one picking her up, I'll end up getting into it with BM. I kind of hope if it happens she really does lose control and hit me, I will THANK her if she does, b/c you can bet your ass I will have her arrested and I'll press charges, get a restraining order, the whole nine....Poor SD though, I feel so sorry for her having to go through this...

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Girl...... I will be thinking of

you today and sending good thoughts and vibes your way! I am glad this is all going to finally get resolved, even though it make take some time. The poor girl is finally going to be where she needs to be! GOOD LUCK!!!!!

well, SD is home with us

apparently the marshall did try to serve BM earlier this week, and she didn't answer the door. Same situation today apparently. We went to the BM town police, and the police in the town that we lived in and explained the situation. They both agreed that due to the fact that custody was never established, and SD's age, as long as she stated she wanted to remain with us, they would not remove her or arrest FH in the situation.

We left copies of the paperwork, as well as our names and contact numbers with the police of both towns.

We also went to the school, and tried to have a conversation with the guidance counselor. As anticipated by your ladies, they were less than helpful. Apparently FH isn't even on the contact list at school, so they were not allowed to even talk to him about SD! Instead, we talked to THEM, and explained the situation. They wanted to call the BM to discuss it with her, and we said that was unacceptable until she got served with papers. We left them with copies of the papers, then we waited until the end of school, picked up SD, and came home.

We've been trying to call the BM to explain this situation to her for an hour, and she's not answering her phone. We think maybe she got served, since she has no life and doesn't go anywhere. More soon, this has been an incredibly stressful day and I really appreciate the support!

as an aside, SD is THRILLED, and happily doing her homework in her room...

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Yay

I'm so glad to know the police listened to you and stated they wouldn't interfere. And BM not answering to be served? PERFECT as it will once again show her to be unreasonable.

That's fabulous news and a good sign of the direction you're headed. Maybe all my longwinded stamina stuff won't even be a necessary read! (Though I suppose those school folks can be difficult. We lucked out there for the most part when we were going through it, as BM was inconsistent and had a few rages at people there before.

KEEP BREATHING and hugging that girl.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

siren

Get that doc from your husband that says when he is not present you legally represent him in all matters pertaining to his daughter. Get that power of attorney, () that says when he is not present you make the decisions. They cant fight the law and win. Make sure hes got a birth certificate to prove who her daddy is if they want to start something. Get the doc notorized.

since he doesn't officially have custody...

I don't think he can actually do that, but I will ask the lawyer the next time we talk to him (probably conversation #10 today!)

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Ok NS....

I have been here. Take a huge BREATH...exhale...keep breathing deeply in and out.
And pace yourself. These things, as with all life changing experiences...take time.

You are not in for a quick spin through court. I don't know many who have had that experience. And you know what's strange? Now the 10 or 11 mos, plus the year of counseling before, plus the years of counseling after, don't seem as long to me now as they surely did then. As your atty is demonstrating, as the court papers are showing you, this process is painstakingly, slow. (IT SUCKS.) And yes very much so ridden with anxiety. I will never forget my worries over sending SD back to BM, when CPS had failed to contact BM all weekend about the charges. How when DH told BM she still insisted on picking up SD and we were powerless to prevent it. How BM searched SD for wires that day, convinced we had tapped her to spy on BM.

After we knew she was served, I will never forget holding my breath awaiting BM's angry phone call. But she never did. We found out when SD came back from there BM got them and told SD that she'd "Probably fight it."

I remember thinking, "Probably?" Well, maybe she's ready to hand her over after all. Unfortunately, no.

This is a really anxiety filled time. And I'm not sure what will happen regarding her not seeing her BM throughout, as we didn't have that option since they did have 50/50. There are so many things that are not in your control, and that is so unbelievably difficult for everyone involved. My SD caved a few times on what she even wanted. And we followed her lead every time. So when she told the GAL what she really wanted was some weekends with BM (we had her every TH-M) DH went to mediation to try to get BM to take some. BM resisted and ended up agreeing to a few, canceling a ton, etc. Then after the court mandated 4 or 5 sessions, I told DH to offer to keep going to mediation. He did, and BM said NO WAY, which was just another piece in the puzzle toward showing the GAL and the court that she was uncooperative and not concerned with SD's best interests.

So remember, IF BM doesn't fight it, it should wrap right up.

But if BM decides to do so, there will be many baby steps before you even get to see the inside of the court room. I'm not telling you to dash your hopes, but to help you find a balance with them.

On our first hearing day, the GAL report was handed out to both parties, including everything DH, Me, and BM said to the GAL about the other. It was then that I realized SD was telling BM and us two different tales, because of things BM could only have known about if SD "told on us" Like the exaggerated tale of how we made her mow the lawn, (BM claims SD has an allergy to grass, but SD rolls around in it quite fine when playing.) BM claimed SD and returned to BM's with welts all over her thighs. She mowed half the lawn once that summer (BS mowed the other half.) Afterward SD asked, begged to mow, always on the days she was returning to BMs. I think she wanted some welts to show her.

Obviously your SD isn't playing that game, but I think the kids can be caught up in trying to make the other parent happy, especially when they are super stressed out.

Anyway, that day on the GALs report it was noted that BM wanted custody too. Interestingly, she didn't file a counter claim though, so obviously it was just talk. But DH was so angry about the things in the report and SD's obvious contribution, that he turned to me and said, "Should we offer that to BM? Because we know she really doesn't want her, she doesn't even want a weekend with her. Should we call her on it?"

I said, "No. I wouldn't want the court to think we were playing or not serious. But maybe we need to surrender to the possibility that she might get custody. We need to trust that whatever is supposed to happen will, and that it will be the next step in the path toward what is best. So if SD has to go to BM's full time so they both can realize that doesn't work, maybe that's what will happen."

And you know what? We did that. From then on. We let it go. When the Dr asked us what we hoped would happen if we won, or expressed concern that sometimes the courts don't do a fantastic job of deciding what's really best, we said, "Well... we just know that the way it is NOW is NOT working. We cannot make joint decisions with her. And that has created a ton of inconsistency, instability, etc. So we have decided that a change of custody, no matter what the outcome, is better than joint."

I think in that one minute it became clear for the Dr who was concerned about the child's best interest.

I know I'm going on and on...but bear with me. Our minister told a parable last week about two mothers who had babies on the same day. One baby was healthy and beautiful and the other sickly. In the middle of the night the sick baby died. The mother of that child was so grief stricken she took the healthy baby as her own. In the morning both women claimed the healthy child was theirs. They were brought before the king. After hearing both stories, he declared that the child be cut in two and each woman take one half. The mother who's baby had died said, "Fine- if I can't have him than you won't either." And the real mother said..."No! Good King! Please just give her the child. He is hers." The king then declared, "Give the second woman the child, he is hers. Only a real mother would give up her child rather than see him harmed."

This has stuck with me so much this week. Sometimes we are the real mom's to these kids, because their BMs can't, or aren't capable of love and sacrifice.

So NS, I KNOW you are the best mom for SD. But I really think for your own good....you may also have to release this outcome to a higher power. I know your SD needs you, and I hope to God you get the same custody result we did. But we really did let go our attachment that we knew everything before going into court. It was so hard to do. But it will save you should this take forever, should road blocks and barriers be tossed your way. Don't give up the fight, but release the need to know the end result now. Every time the court says, "Just a minute- you need to do this first" or sends you for more mediation, orders counseling, schedules another hearing date etc.... You have to release it or you will go CRAZY with stress an anxiety. Trust that somewhere, if you do everything the court asks of you, if you gently but persistently tell the truth to the professionals...know that it will be ok.

I hope this came out right. I hope you know I'm in your corner routing and cheering for you guys to win. I just want to make sure you are ok with whatever happens. Your SD will need you to be. And you will need to relax in this process to preserve your stamina.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

As usual Sita, your insight is most appreciated!

You are absolutely correct, I do need to prepare myself for a long struggle. I am hoping against hope that BM will fold easily, and given her lack of resources, give up and not fight this, but as I've learned even from this single week delay, I should not count on anything like that, or a predictable time frame. It WILL be okay, but it may be a longer road getting there than any of us would like. I am concerned for SD's school, this delay is going to mean she either changes school at the end of the school year, or it gets delayed until next year. The school officials offered to let her finish out the year there regardless as to how this all works out, which is good, we will give SD the option. It is going to be hard getting her from school every day at 2:00, but thankfully the grandparents are on board and will help with this situation and transportation.

But you are right, I have to try to remain calm over this entire thing, it will not help any of us for me to get so frantic and frustrated that I can't emotionally support both SD and FH.

Thank you as always, for being a calm force in my chaotic experience!!!!

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Yoga Bread and Chocolate

There is some blog I visited a few times with that title. I always chant it when I want to calm down. Those three things are so soothing to me just thinking them works!

Glad what I meant to say came out the way I intended. Always worried it won't, especially online.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

nope, it was good to hear

in my case it's probably "ocean, drawing, and chocolate" ommmmmmmm

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

YEAH NS.....

I am soooo glad to hear that!!!!!! Hopefully it will continue to go smoothly..... fingers crossed!

Thanks Sia

Last night was rough, but either BM is cowed and didn't call the police, or she tried and they told her they already knew about the situation and wouldn't do anything, LOL.

BM seems to think SD is going to come over her house this weekend (per one of the voicemails she left) and expects us over there tonight, for SD to "clean out her room" Ha, fat chance. Unless we can get a police escort later this weekend, we're writing everything off she has there. There's two items she would like to have, her hair straightener and her nintendo DS. It is a bummer about the DS, she loves it and between the actual unit and the games, it's over 200 bucks, but if it waits until this situation blows over, we can live with that...

Ugh, woke up at 3:00 this morning dreaming about this whole thing and could not get back to sleep. I kind of AM sorry for BM now, until her POS husband gets involved (he says that FH is a deadbeat who does nothing for his daughter, that this is the WORST thing that has ever happened to SD, and she could not possibly be better off here than there, just to name a few of his gems) she was actually being reasonable and the conversation between FH and her was going okay. She seemed shocked, saddened, and hurt, but there wasn't much anger there, until POS got involved anyway. She called 3x wanting to know how to turn of SD's alarm clock (which wasn't even set) and by the last time at 9:00 I was tempted to answer and tell her it's not on, but FH wouldn't let me.

I listen to these phone conversations and I think both FH and SD do not handle them correctly. She as a cyclical logic and conversation pattern, and they do nothing to interrupt her illogical conversation, I really do think I could do better. In fact one of my dreams last night was having a rational, real conversation with the BM while SD cleaned out her room.

I guess hell might freeze over soon too....

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Have you picked up Eggshells yet?

"...a cyclical logic and conversation pattern, and they do nothing to interrupt her illogical conversation"

You can't interrupt their illogical cycle arguments. I recommend reading that book, especially the parts and testimonials from people on how to stop the cyclical arguing. We are still working on this with SD, but through coaching DH has gotten better about it in phone calls with BM. It's just so tempting to keep trying to reach them logically, but it won't ever work.

I remember the mediator telling DH he needed to appeal to BM by complimenting her or seeming to agree with her on something before she could hear him. At the time, the mediator was pretty ineffective herself, and was highly complimentary of BM in her report (which peeved me to no end, but later I realized she was trying to get BM to trust and cooperate with her- still wrong but oh well.)

After reading Eggshells I realized on some level she was right. So now, when BM is carrying on about how SHE never acted like SD before, or on how DH is being argumentative and she starts re-stating the same illogical argument or switching back and forth from 2 or 3 of the same illogical arguments, I remind DH to find SOMETHING he can affirm in her statement.

Ex-

BM- You need to come and get YOUR daughter NOW.
DH- But she isn't due back til tomorrow- what's WRONG?
BM WHAT'S WRONG??? She's rude, disrespectful, won't listen!
DH- Well, she is that way at our house too, but we just deal with it.
BM- Well I DON'T have to take this! You need to come and get her now!!!!

I would tell DH to say, "I'm sorry to hear she's being that way. You are right, you don't have to take that. I can't come right now, but I will pick her up when..."

Immediately, this approach works and BM calms down.

They repeat things b/c they don't feel heard if they don't feel you validate their position. It doesn't make sense, it is unfair, and you know you have no obligation to validate them...

But if you want to stop the argument, it's the only way.

Anyway, pick up the book. I think whether or not this BM is BPD, it's still a helpful tool dealing with oppositional people.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

exactly Sita

No I don't have the book but I do have a background in psychology and counseling. I believe I am equipped to deal with her, and it would not be by browbeating or trying to pound logic into her. My dream was almost verbatim what you wrote, employing active listening, empathy, and positive reinforcement.

All I can do though is coach SD and FH on these skills. FH does not want me to directly engage with BM, so be it, I won't do it, but I am going to try to give those I love the tools I know of to help with communication.

I am also going to talk to FH about family counseling for FH, BM and SD, no me, no stepdad, at least at the outset. A third party needs to moderate these volatile conversations, and if BM is going to try to force the issue of immediate visitation, trust is going to have to be created on all sides before SD or FH are comfortable with SD going back to that environment, especially in light of all that is transpiring....

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Maybe my XH is BP

So many of the things you describe for SD fit him to a tee! This is one of them. It drives DH crazy, but I just have to let XH rant, agree with everything I possible can justify agreeing to (not that it matters, he's usually not listening anyway), tell him I approve of the way he handled things, and try to work in my solution like it's his idea. It's like dealing with 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum, but that's all that works.

Sure sounds that way

Check out the book. If your X is Bpd, you will see him a million times in the testimonials of people living with someone affected with it.

It made it hard for my H to read though. He felt he lived it already. But it's still very helpful in dealing with them and you will have to deal with him for a long time to come.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra