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northernsiren's picture

BF and I had it out a bit last night. He called me out on being emotionally distant and point blank asked me if I wanted to be here anymore. I had to say I didn't know. I am very upset with him over a number of things, and my respect and opinion of him in general is way down. That being said, I think back to all the times he has supported and cared for me, been there for me, and my heart wants to break. I just don't know. The idea of leaving and moving back to my home area is so scary to me. I just don't want to start all over again, and unless some fairy drops out of the sky with a bunch of money for me to buy a condo or something, I don't see how I could do it. Plus finding a job there right now is practically out of the question. Ugh, it's bad.

Anyway, my major grievance is that I feel like I'm the victim of a bait and switch. The man I started the relationship isn't here anymore. He used to be outgoing, active, fun, confident, and affectionate. Now, he goes to work, comes home, and watches movies. I hate it. He's gained a bunch of weight, and so have I, but in the last month have taken off 11 pounds of it, and am half way to where I want to be.

When the idea of me moving in came up, it was so I could do an apprenticeship. He said if I made enough money to pay my car payment and cell phone, he could cover the rest. Ha. I pay more out a month than he does, and that apprenticeship never happened, in fact I work two jobs (when i'm employed anyway) He complains he has no time to do the things he wants, but he's home before 5:00 3 days a week and has all day Sunday to do nothing, which is exactly what he does. Compound that with SD now living with us full time, and he barely engages with her, and it makes me really REALLY upset.

I signed on to be a part of this family, not to be the only parent, and that's how it's been. Sure it's easier for me, SD is 15 yrs old, and becoming a young woman. It's easy for me to relate to her, and she is very attached to me.

As you guys know, I went away for like 4 days a couple weeks ago. He did like 1 activity with her in that time. I happened to have my plans cancel and was on facebook one evening, and SD was on there posting how bored and lonely she was. I know for a fact her father was in the other room, watching movies. Folks, that made me sooo angry. I did not sign up to the the primary parent here, but that's what I feel like.

Anyway, I called him out on all this, and BF says he feels left out and it makes him feel awful. Yes, it's true, I am unemployed, so I'm here with SD when she comes home from school, so I see her more. But he does nothing to maximize his time with her when he does have it. So apparently I am TOO close to SD! Sad I just don't get it, I have to constantly tell him "go spend time with your daughter".

I just didn't realize it was going to be on me to foster their relationship. I told him that he needs to change, and quickly. We talked about splitting up, and I have no idea how we would do it. I do love him, but I don't love this situation, and I have lost a lot of faith in him. He says if I give him something to fight for, he will and that he loves me, but I can't just turn off how I feel and pretend all is perfectly fine.

It's been a bit better since we cleared the air, and I'm open to seeing what happened. The urge to be free, like I was when I was home though, is still very real. I know it's a glass is half full thing, b/c although I have been single only for the briefest of periods in my life, I was always so lonely and so sad, and just hoping that someone I found would love me. I regret very much not just sticking with being single and being on my own for a while after getting divorced. I loved going out to the bar with my friends, meeting people, listening to music, not worrying about anyone not having a good time, being free to be spontaneous, go where ever I pleased. But that's the crux of it I guess, you're free, but no one misses you if you don't come home.

ugh, feel like I can't win, sorry for the ramble.


Sunflower's picture

First let me say great job for losing 11 pounds!! That is super tough especially when you are feeling down! I understand your frustration with your BF not spending enough time with SD. I had the same problem with my H. I think that you shouldnt try to cover for him by doing everything. This is obviousliy wearing you down. You can make suggestions of things he can do with SD but in the end if he's not spending time with her thats his problem! Yes there is gonna be a special bond between you.Your both women and that is special. He should be pleased you two get on so well. I do think you should have your own life; even if you are married/or in a relationship.Make one night every week where you just go out with friends or by yourself.If your funds are short go for walks w/ friends this is a great way you all see eachother and get some exercise!! Do not give up everything you love and need to save his child! BF should be looking out for her that is his job. Maybe if you start doing some family activities together you can ween him into getting more active and spending time with SD. Go hiking,fishing,stargazing,to the beach,to a gallery. Maybe you should temporarily loosen a cable on the tv so that its out of commission for a bit. Cook dinner together get everyone involved. Learn to function as a team and never forget to have some ME time. Best of luck to you

TinaKay's picture

was in your situation EXACTLY and what she did was go to court and adopt the sd and divorced the man. She won too.

The only difference was she worked and made good money.

Sita Tara's picture

You have so much going on, so many layers to peel off to find out what's best for you. Because that's where you need to go first, or you will chase your tail trying to fill yourself up taking care of them.

When you wrote that you never spent much time single you really touched on something for me. I was never single. I mean I started dating at 13, and by the time I married my ex at 22 I had spent about 11 mos single since that first BF. 11 mos all added together, not even in one continuous lump of time.

This caused issues in my marriage. My exh was 6 years older, divorced at 22 himself, and had always lived on his own or with a roommate except for the brief time he was married.

I had gone from my parents, to the dorm, to his apartment. NEVER had my own place. And he used to use that against me and complain I was so immature and had NO IDEA how to take care of myself.

There was a lot of manipulation in that relationship that I have posted on before.


Finally, one day after he complained that in all the years together he still hadn't succeeded in "teaching" me how to do laundry properly, I said THAT's IT. I will not spend the next 40 plus years of my life living with a man who thinks I am incapable of the smallest things in life without his instruction.

So I left him. He didn't know what to do. I had always been easily swayed by threats of how incompetent I was, yet I never veered from my decision.

The minute I decided to go I lost the 20 plus pounds I was placating myself with. Before he even moved out - the decision was freeing enough that the weight melted off of me.

I spend 5 and a half glorious, miserable, lonely, exciting, gratifying soul searching years alone. I didn't even date anyone for 2.5 years, and when I did I dumped the relationship a few months in because he treated me like crap. I then fell for a married man, old flame, The Notebook kind of tale. I was hung up on him for a few years leading up to, during, and recovering from the affair. BUT...

I LIVED NS. I jumped for the net and hoped it would find me. And I loved and cried and danced and sang and went to college and fixed my house and mowed my lawn and bought a Jeep after totaling my car...

Those years call me sometimes, but it is a nostalgic call as it was always physically and emotionally as tough as life with SD. Only now I have a DH to rub my shoulders.

I wish I could tell you a way to get that slice of life, your independence and knowing you can do it on your own, without giving up your FH and SD....

But I don't know or I would still be married to my exH.

We all feel bait and switched to a degree. I'm sure you know that as you were married before too. So the decision is, if this man is now showing you his true self, can you love this version too?

I always love quotes and this is one of my all time favorites-

"When people show you who they are believe them...the first time."
~Maya Angelou

Of course it may be possible to find your own happiness AND love and stay with FH and SD. I will have to defer to the other posters to help you there. I'm sure it's possible and others have found a way. I'm just not familiar and am trying to find that myself with SD as well.

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

northernsiren's picture

From day to day, my emotions are on a roller coaster with this situation. In any event, nothing can change over night. I have laid the cards out for BF, we'll see what happens. I need to make some money and of course get a job, so that's my first priority either way. Granted if I move out, I'll be leaving the job behind too, but one thing at a time. :S

Again, the support means the world, so few people can really understand. I went into this with an open heart for SD, and that makes it even harder to consider what's best for me above all else right now...

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Tara12's picture

I sent to you. I think once you get things done for you, get a job and get back working you will feel a lot better. I know when you are home you just have too much time to think! Hang in there chica!!! You will do what is best for you! Smile Hugs to you!