The Mind is a POWERFUL tool...sometimes DANGEROUSLY so...
I need some womanly advice that is not necessarily related to being a step mom…I was wondering if any one else can relate to this…For some reason I sometimes “create” situations in my mind and build them up so much that they have to be “proved wrong”…I don’t know how crazy that sounds but that is the best explanation that I can give for what happens…for example….I can call my husbands cell phone and he might not answer…I’ll try back later and still no answer…instantly my mind might go to a worry situation depending on the circumstances (i.e. if it is late and storming outside I think, is he okay, maybe he was in an accident…or if we’d been fighting I might think, is he not picking up b/c he’s out cheating on me…) then my mind will actually “run with” that made up thought so when he comes home I might be upset with him “Why didn’t you answer your phone?!?!” and expect him to disprove my delusion…okay now that I read it back I officially sound CRAZY….am I the only one who does this?!
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Our Minds
Our minds are dangerous sometimes. I too have had the "crazy" thoughts that you have had and I react and think the same way as you have. Of course most generally it's just our minds playing tricks on us. Just try not to "go off" to bad on your husband because that just causes more problems. I know easier said than done, but work on controlling the anger when talking with you husband. Sorry I don't have much "wisdom" to share, but hope things get a little more "under control" for you.
Analytical mind
I find myself anyalyzing everything and trying to figure things out. I think I would make a good detective. I am pretty good at it too. I think it comes from trying to figure out what biomom does and why.
However, maybe it is because I have a background in science. I have a B.S. degree in biology. In that field you are always trying to figure out the unknown. Do you have a background in science? Just a thought!
Don't worry you're not crazy!
Dawn
Thanks Dawn!
You know what I never thought about it as being analytical….my degrees are in Social Sciences/Liberal Arts…I guess I have spent a great deal of time learning to be very analytical…I’ve been trained to take basic information and use it to formulate my own “theory” and then use that hypothesis to try to solve the problem….maybe I’m not crazy!! LOL…thanks for showing me the connection…I guess the true art of it comes in learning when to turn that part of me off….especially since my husband’s mind does not work that way at all…he is very practically minded…very hands on and is much more “comfortable” with the Black & White of it all…(i.e. he says EXACTLY what he means..) I guess that is why we compliment each other so!
Controlling Thoughts
I hate when my mind does that too.Particularly when thinking about his ex and kids. It is so easy to let our minds wander and why does it seem always to go to the negative instead of the positive . That is a mystery!
The scary part is thoughts can be very powerful. And we often get what we expect.
I'm trying to control my thoughts. When the bad ones creep in I try to dismiss them and
imagine the positive. Not always an easy task.
Sande
Here's the thing. If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck..............it's usually a duck. It then follows that a lot of what the ex does IS negative so that is why you think it will be.
Is that deep or what?!
Dawn
lylagarret and Sande you are
lylagarret and Sande you are both VERY right in that allowing our minds to take control like that ALWAYS causes more problems than really existed…I have to train myself to replace negative thoughts with positive ones as Sande suggested…reading that made me think of the movie with Cher called Mask…her son would get horrible headaches and she would have him “pick a good memory” which would help his headaches go away…I’ll have to replace negative thoughts with “good memories” like our wedding vows, anniversary trips, simple little moments where he made me feel like I was worth a billion dollars….thanks all!
Nothing to lose
Dawn,
I know!!!! Bad track records.
but....what comes first? The chicken or the egg?
It's worth a try to think positive. What do we have to lose?
thought stopping/substitution
hey girls, We're not crazy. We try to think of things from every possible angel and it's based on past experiences. Speaking from a personal perspective I try to think through everything so I can be 'prepared' for no matter what.
Trouble is our minds dictate how we feel and relate (like you said...a powerful tool). If we dwell on the negative that's what we'll get. For example: husband doesn't answer call...SPIRALS DOWN into
1)he doesn't want to talk to me (what did I do, ect,,, 2) who is he talking to INSTEAD of me??? 3)he's sick/hurt ect...
So then he comes home and you're already believing that he's furious with you or filing for divorce, having an affair, or dead in a ditch somewhere! When in truth, maybe the music was up too loud, or the battery was dead, or 100 other LEGITIMATE reasons he didn't answer. We try not to lean too heavily on our reliance on electronic equipment. Phone, computers, ect...DO mess up.
The key is to STOP the negative thoughts and substitute a postive or even neutral. In other words, start talking to yourself! LOL J/K
On a different note...I'm a regular here but I'm on here as anonymous because my kids followed me to OUR site. (I used the computer they use one time in the middle of the night. Evidently they looked to see who had been where and came to the site. UGH)
Now I don't feel safe freely venting with my psuedo name cause it's two parts of my name and recognizable in my opinion. Plus you know if they read the content they would recognize their own lives. I feel pretty ticked that my ONE SAFE HAVEN has been violated...
I've been reading daily and praying for all of you and supporting you in spirit!!! Hang in there and don't type the address in the address bar. A friend today told me to get here through Google and I wouldn't leave a trail.
Stop
My sister taught me to look in the mirror and yell STOP. Okay maybe not yell because then you would feel crazy. But, these thoughts aren't going to do you any good. They're just thoughts. I have eventually for the most part stopped thinking too much about the what if's by just stopping myself when I start to go there.
I've been married for 6 yrs
I've been married for 6 yrs now, and I use to do that too. Only because I never knew what was going on regarding communication w/ex-wife, stepson & husband. I use to draw up conclusions in my head about every little thing. I was usually correct. It was only this year that I finally got in the loop of all communication regarding my family that I stop analyzing things too deeply. I guess its because I now know what's going on from custody schedule and what ever else that exwife communicates through email w/my husband. I also finally realize how committed and loving my husband is to me and so the jealously issue subsided. In my opinion, if you draw up conclusion in your head about exwife, it means that there are still unanswered or trust issues in your life. Find out what they are and find answers.
Conclusions/Anxiety
Ok I agree with the answers left unanswered. How do you suggest finding out that information without prying???
My BF will be having a baby anyday now, with a girl he never had a relationship with...(long story) Yesterday she went to the hospital (for the third time) for her high blood pressure. So of course BF mom calls and he rushes up there cause he needs to calm her down, for her to only go home to BF mom's house cause she is so upset that she doesn't wanna go home. BF left her there at momma's house came home to me... She stayed for about a hour and she went home to her mom's. ( go figure....I guess she thought he would stay there with her....She was planning on staying the night there.... nope)
See the thing is her sister had a baby 1 month and 3 days ago.... Well the story I was told was her and the husband put the baby to sleep, and they started drinking.... well the yesterday morning the sister went to check on her baby to feed, and the baby was not breathing. This is the second time in 2 yrs..... Don't babies wakeup every two to three hours when they are this small? I am really worried about BF's baby momma being alone with his child.... Now I realize that was her sister... but the first time the sister was living in the same house with the same people as she is now. Well here it is again a day later and she is at the hospital again. So he will be going up there once again..... I am ready for her to have the baby so he can have the paternity test and start the process for the custody battle. I am being a B*#ch? I am very sorry for her sister's loss, but come on 2 babies, 2 yrs???? Bad track record.... From what the BF says.... the family is a little off (alot off)in the head. We are all very concerned for the saftey of the new baby. Any suggestion with how to deal with this anxiety???
I have been stressing about her having this child ( refering to mind is a powerful tool) Well my mind goes wild everytime he talks to her, or see's her. I know he has no interest in being with her... but it still bothers me. I don't plan on going anywhere, I will be here for him, his child and our future children to come... Hopefully someone will have advise, so I can quit stressing.
Thanks, Kim